Depression and what it's really like

re: seizing opportunities, i wonder how much American culture aggravates the impact of depression for us USers. we're morally obligated to make something grand of our lives, usually involving $$$ or status or great careers, or having expensive well-developed hobbies, global adventures in self-discovery, doing marathons and mud runs, etc., and if we don't then we suck because of, well ... culture.

This is also a UK thing (right down to each detail you list) and I'd imagine it applies to any of the 'developed' countries.

Although perhaps in the UK there's an added element that while you're supposed to go out and get all these things, you also don't deserve them and shouldn't even bother if you're not from the right class background. In particular, going traveling is very much a class signifier/mark of exclusion here.

If you're someone who, for background reasons, wouldn't normally go to university, there usually comes a galling moment after that's finished where friends you've made either a) get on planes and go to travel, teach or work in continental Europe/Asia/Australia or b) go directly into jobs through the connections they were born with and you realise that yeah, you might have got yourself into uni, but it doesn't mean you're in the club.

Boo hoo hoo. Should add that I'm not exactly in pieces over this, but it's definitely upsetting watching people disappear out of your life and off on their adventures, punctuated by visits to the job centre where they say 'Two degrees and no job?' and you say 'Yeah, I know'

<3 to all who need it itt

After ten days away from home I returned exhausted and to find that my only potted plant, a miniature, heirloom rose bush, was stolen from my back porch. I felt silly getting so depressed about it. I was really invested in that plant. I nursed it back to health when it went bad, soon after I got it. Then it became this ritual with August. Every morning we'd check on it's progress, count the blooms, smelled the roses, gave it banana peels to encourage new growth, snipped the old growth. It made things nice for me, here in Oklahoma, when I was trying to make things nice here in Oklahoma.

Everyone I know is putting down roots, it is going to be awhile before that happens to me. I long for pets, a garden, seeing my things again and putting them in a house, on shelves, decorate...In the meantime this rose bush was symbolic and hopeful. I didn't realize that until it was stolen. Not going to buy a new one as I don't have long here and don't know where I'll be going next. But shit! Not what I wanted or needed. Had that rose bush been where I left it, I wouldn't have had this chain reaction of thoughts that take me down these rabbit holes of insecurity, distrust, depression...geez how fragile am I?

*tera I hope you don't mind me saying I found your post beautiful.

someone stole my stupid ivy plant 20 years ago in college and i'm still kind of pissed about it tbh

Yep. Some of my bigger breakdowns in the last several years started with plants.

"A thing that mattered to me, that I invested time and care and imagination into was ruined by some uncaring asshole. I guess that means I can't control anything. Nothing good is allowed to happen. Fuck me and fuck what is important to me. I should have known better than to care."

even typing that out has given me an adrenaline rush. We build ourselves up and try real hard, but fragility is always under the surface.

I got shot down at work recently. I survived, but the fact that my survival was an issue reminds me of something or other.

no plant thefts, but i'm still devastated over my cat dying. i found these the other day -- they're from 2004 or 2005, taken at my parents' place.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7425/9291308222_b7f4738bb7.jpg

he looks sad (pensive cat is pensive) but he was spoiled rotten.

o jeez i'm so sorry

:( RIP

w.r.t. plants, was sad facing facts that the little storebought basil plant from Whole Foods had lived far beyond it's probable life.

Not perfectly analogous to botanical burglary, but: many years back someone broke into my apartment and took off with my entire record collection. I'd been buying records since the age of nine, and had a few rarities in there. The stereo was left in place, but i would have infinitely preferred if they had taken that instead. That same summer my girlfriend of a few years decided to break up with me. The breakup was more lacerating, but -unlike the break-in- at least with that kind of loss you're able to access whole swaths of culture that romanticize your plight, and achingly beautifuly songs to quietly weep with. With the loss of a record collection you're mostly just left with the gut-blow and the emptiness of your shelves. Most people (as I suspect to be the case with plant theft) underappreciate its meaning and impact.

So sorry, pass-ag.

HOLY SHIT, collardio, a record burglary would seriously devastate me! EEESH!

I took out the trash today and when I opened the bin it was half way filled with the neighbors crap that was once in their yard, old toys, aerosol cans and an old, coiled garden hose. I dug under it all fearing I'd find my plant but it wasn't there, fortunately. I suspect it was given away to one of the many people who swing by this person's place. At that moment, the guy next door came out and never made eye contact, had his head turned the whole time. He drove out with his head just turned all the way to the left, as far as it could go it seemed.

Left lights on in a few rooms, was getting mail...wtf? It could always be worse. Could have returned to a looted home and squatters, the kiddie pool gone. Glad they left the kiddie pool and plunger that were also on the back porch.

Then I thought, well maybe this guy has never left his home in his life? Maybe he is not familiar with the concept of leaving a home for several days to go somewhere else, then returning, travel, vacations. Feel better thinking that rose bush has gone to someone who needs it more. Unless it was thrown in our trash bin and set at the curb last week. We did leave trash in our bin.

"I guess that means I can't control anything. Nothing good is allowed to happen. Fuck me and fuck what is important to me. "
Exactly!

Thanks *tera. I didn't buy records after that for a long, long time, years in fact; enough years that by the time I started to again, the default format had changed to CD's. I eventually got over the girlfriend, but the loss of those records still saddens me, tbh.

As for The Case of the Heirloom Rose: driving with head cranked to the left sounds mighty suspicious (unless he was backing up of course). I'll stay tuned for further clues.

...do any of you guys have issues with memory?

looooool do i

yeah. at the worst of my depression i had lost a pretty good chunk of my memory. it's better now, though, fortunately.

i don't have a great memory for things that happened in my life, even though i am good at remembering trivia (song lyrics, names of writers, etc.)

i know i've had a mild resurgence of depression since early may, and coinciding with that i've had memory issues significant enough that i've been repeatedly called out on the carpet both in the work environment and in my personal life, and the increasing convergence and incidence is starting to scare me into thinking this is something more than just "i forgot. again."

could totally just be the depression. for me at least, in the midst of depression there's a disconnection b/t daily life and what's going on in your head, so things just doesn't "connect". there's also a little bit of "this is too painful, I'm outta here". i have no fucking clue i made it this far, i mostly just bullshitted knowing what was happening around me. don't let it get out of hand! i'm sure i don't need to tell you that. i left this crap untreated and it lasted nearly a decade.

on my 10th cup of coffee this afternoon somebody asked me what i was self medicating for and i about lost it at my desk

that's funny, i recently realized i self-medicate with coffee.

baby i don't wanna know...

i've always considered myself forgetful, but haven't linked it to my propensity for depression. i prefer to stick with the notion that i'm a bit of a "space cadet", and that this is part and parcel of "absent-mindedness". i really don't want to know ...

xposts: ha, thirded on the coffee.

The memory thing is pretty self-explanatory, you're not going crazy or falling apart, you're having a normal response to stress and having part of your mental resources concentrated on other things. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_of_stress_on_memory

That makes a whole lot of sense TH.

When I'm feeling depressed, I'm way more likely to forget to do stuff, and that never helps me get out of that state either. Depression sucks like that in a lot of ways; draws your attention and energy away from other things, which makes you less able to do stuff, which makes you feel more depressed. Recognizing that cycle before it gets too out-of-hand has been key for me to fight it off.

Yeah, what in orbit said

i just checked and noticed that representing february/march/april i have 70 pages of notes, and that representing may/june/july i have 12

i was also just reminded that i found out i was getting sued in early may

Yep, terrible memory. I think a lot of it has to do with being kind of checked out and dissociated, so the memories never really formed that solidly to begin with? But yeah, it's pretty disturbing. Old friends are always reminding me of things I had completely forgotten, things it seems like I should remember.

I have whole years in high school (when I was severely depressed) of which I have very, very few experiential memories. Apparently I skipped 18 days of school in my first semester of senior year? I was just told this last week, have zero recollection of this.

as annoying as it is to not be able to remember whole swaths of time (as much as everyone else in this thread) i see it as more of a blessing

today i woke up at 1pm, ate a sandwich, felt exhausted and didn't have anything to do anyway so i went back to bed from 2:30 to 5:30.

i haven't left my apartment, or seen any people or spoken aloud in 36 hours. just now i shaved and took a shower: the apex of my weekend.

i don't even know what i've done since being awake -- i didn't read or even watch anything. i played a lot of computer backgammon i guess.

probably be up all night and be so tired at work tomorrow that i'll feel sick. ~life's a pretty sweet fruit~

word

hey you shaved

next weekend: set an alarm and make plans to do stuff

the outpatient program i was in had this silly acrostic they used for activity scheduling: GRAPES

g = something gentle
r = something relaxing
a = something that will give you a sense of accomplishment
p = something pleasurable
e = some exercise
s = something social

make a list before the weekend so you know what you're going to do going into it

Are you supposed to have a whole selection of the GRAPES activities, all six of them?

that seems way too much to figure out, man

that would be good if there were 300 hours per day

eat some grapes. that's all you have to do.

your problems will evaporate and you can focus the rest of your energies on ilx.

Can you maybe knock out several in one activity (eg pub quiz win = check of A, P, S)>?

yeah, all six. think 15 mins - 2 hrs each

what's the difference between "gentle" and "relaxing" - they seem synonymous?

well yeah, but then the acrostic would spell either "gapes" or "rapes"