Depression and what it's really like

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That would be cool. I dont want to cause a stir.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 04:04 (ten years ago) link

But yeah i could use some empty reassurance if its not too much trouble. I feel low.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 04:06 (ten years ago) link

treeship, you seem cool. it's not your fault that the world is shit.

Nhex, Saturday, 13 July 2013 04:08 (ten years ago) link

Thanks nhex. You seem cool too.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 04:09 (ten years ago) link

things turned out okay in the end w/r/t another opportunity, but i had a shitty job interview on wednesday with a guy who was just dripping with antagonism and arrogance. he belittled me in front of other people and i sucked it up and said "i understand. thank you." i still haven't recovered. i wish i'd had the guts to tell him what i really thought of his attitude.

pass-ag caglia (get bent), Saturday, 13 July 2013 04:54 (ten years ago) link

i like to think of myself as some kinda fearless fount of righteousness but when push comes to shove i'm a total doormat.

pass-ag caglia (get bent), Saturday, 13 July 2013 04:57 (ten years ago) link

That sucks gb. People who power trip at work - who take corporate hierarchies at face value, as a pretext to entitlement - are the worst kind of scum.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 05:01 (ten years ago) link

fuck that guy

Nhex, Saturday, 13 July 2013 05:06 (ten years ago) link

Fuck everyone who needlessly makes life worse for people.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 05:18 (ten years ago) link

sorry you're feeling low, treeship. afaic, you're good people.

twerking for obvious reasons (contenderizer), Saturday, 13 July 2013 05:20 (ten years ago) link

thanks contenderizer. i had a scotch and soda and i feel a bit better. my main issue is related to isolation due to my living situation and really, since that's a tangible thing that i will have fixed before the end of the year at the latest, i'm in pretty good shape.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 05:28 (ten years ago) link

yeah, i feel you. i'm similarly isolated, out of my habitual places and routines, and it kind of wears on me.

twerking for obvious reasons (contenderizer), Saturday, 13 July 2013 05:51 (ten years ago) link

i'm really feeling this book "on depression" lately--the guy is head of the tufts mood disorders program, and he takes a really wide ranging view of depression (historically, socially) and the way its treated today and comes out with the most sensible thinking i think i've encountered on the use of pharmaceuticals to treat this stuff. as i think i've said before, my personal experience with a variety of SRIs showed them--for me--to be as much an anti-personality medication as an anti-depressant. i lost the lows, but i lost the highs too, and found myself in a sort of boring stasis where i wasn't especially interested in or excited about anything. to see the guy recognize this and talk about why it happens was really comforting. def recommend the book.

BIG HOOS aka the denigrated boogeyman (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 13 July 2013 16:30 (ten years ago) link

Treeship: Two things. (1) We seem to have similar problems; i.e., loneliness in the 'burbs, getting in touch with the ex-gf, feeling that your life isn't for anyone. (2) And more importantly, I'm sorry to hear. Have to say it: you're one of the nicest users on here and only one of few who've made me feel somewhat welcomed, even though this is only a unreal/virtual space.

As for me, I hope to remedy my situation by moving, as well.

The only thing is that my ex actually has responded and is showing an interest. But I know I shouldn't lead her on for reasons I won't get into here.

Anyway, in terms of depression, I'll just say I know it all too well. Has anyone ever seen this site?

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

c21m50nh3x460n, Saturday, 13 July 2013 17:19 (ten years ago) link

an* (argh)

c21m50nh3x460n, Saturday, 13 July 2013 17:20 (ten years ago) link

thanks crisomhexagon. relationships are kind of stupidly painful and difficult, to an extent which is almost funny, in my opinion. the fact that anyone puts themselves through all of that, and that i will most likely put myself through all of it again, is a sort of miracle of human resiliency.

Treeship, Saturday, 13 July 2013 18:38 (ten years ago) link

re: seizing opportunities, i wonder how much American culture aggravates the impact of depression for us USers. we're morally obligated to make something grand of our lives, usually involving $$$ or status or great careers, or having expensive well-developed hobbies, global adventures in self-discovery, doing marathons and mud runs, etc., and if we don't then we suck because of, well ... culture.

like, i've done OK with my life, pretty damn well in fact considering where I started out, but damn if I don't feel like a loser because I'm not out there on the edge just LIVIN IT UP. don't have much to brag about TBH, no mystical hikes through Southeast Asia, no glittering big city career, no obsessive foodie culinary expertise. most of the work I've done is just trying to survive.

― Spectrum, Tuesday, July 9, 2013 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

but it never feels like there's ever enough because there's this push to do MORE. MORE. MORE. i feel like there's this cultural restlessness that causes a really bad friction with depression that just makes everything worse.

― Spectrum, Tuesday, July 9, 2013 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

These posts ring true, very much so. And the crux IMO lies in the phrase "morally obligated to make something grand of our lives".

The tricky thing about this is that "making something grand of our lives" may simply be an extension of aspirations that are genuinely ours, and therefore worthy of being nurtured. So, for example, we may wish we had a successful creative career in a big city not simply because we'd have something to brag about, but because there's a part of us that, since childhood, has been drawn both to creative endeavors as well as to metropolises with intoxicating quotients of mystery and possibility. Depression doesn't seem to care about this distinction, because it can feed voraciously off both. And that's, well, the sad thing. Depression takes what may be perfectly wholesome, healthy aspirations, and uses them against us. No need to personify the thing either, so another way to put it is: depression is actually a version, but a hypertrophied, counterproductive version, of our moral selves. The reason it is so persistent, the reason we give the self-hating so much rope, is because it begins from a good place and is driven by a drive to do the right thing. In short, it's hard to argue with its arguments; indeed, it's exhausting to argue with its arguments.

I just think of a boy, nine years old, and his wide-eyed wonder at the world and its infinite marvels. Then I think of that same boy, ten years later, wanting badly to participate in that world and live life fully... but already terrified because of the dark places he has found himself in, again and again, through adolescence. I feel sad for that boy, truly sad, and wish him the best. Most of all, I wish I could talk to him and tell him a few things that have helped me, just in the past few years. I'm not sure those words would help him, but maybe the sense of solidarity would?

That boy was me, of course, by the way.

collardio gelatinous, Sunday, 14 July 2013 05:27 (ten years ago) link

Geez that got melodramatic fast.

collardio gelatinous, Sunday, 14 July 2013 05:45 (ten years ago) link

it's ok. if i could talk myself as a boy, i would plunge a knife straight into his heart and save him the trouble of living ;)

Nhex, Sunday, 14 July 2013 05:47 (ten years ago) link

That's about as relieved as I've ever been to see the winky-face appear.

collardio gelatinous, Sunday, 14 July 2013 06:01 (ten years ago) link

re: seizing opportunities, i wonder how much American culture aggravates the impact of depression for us USers. we're morally obligated to make something grand of our lives, usually involving $$$ or status or great careers, or having expensive well-developed hobbies, global adventures in self-discovery, doing marathons and mud runs, etc., and if we don't then we suck because of, well ... culture.

This is also a UK thing (right down to each detail you list) and I'd imagine it applies to any of the 'developed' countries.

Although perhaps in the UK there's an added element that while you're supposed to go out and get all these things, you also don't deserve them and shouldn't even bother if you're not from the right class background. In particular, going traveling is very much a class signifier/mark of exclusion here.

cardamon, Sunday, 14 July 2013 14:01 (ten years ago) link

If you're someone who, for background reasons, wouldn't normally go to university, there usually comes a galling moment after that's finished where friends you've made either a) get on planes and go to travel, teach or work in continental Europe/Asia/Australia or b) go directly into jobs through the connections they were born with and you realise that yeah, you might have got yourself into uni, but it doesn't mean you're in the club.

cardamon, Sunday, 14 July 2013 14:05 (ten years ago) link

Boo hoo hoo. Should add that I'm not exactly in pieces over this, but it's definitely upsetting watching people disappear out of your life and off on their adventures, punctuated by visits to the job centre where they say 'Two degrees and no job?' and you say 'Yeah, I know'

cardamon, Sunday, 14 July 2013 14:11 (ten years ago) link

<3 to all who need it itt

staff rules everything around Mi (Neanderthal), Sunday, 14 July 2013 15:10 (ten years ago) link

After ten days away from home I returned exhausted and to find that my only potted plant, a miniature, heirloom rose bush, was stolen from my back porch. I felt silly getting so depressed about it. I was really invested in that plant. I nursed it back to health when it went bad, soon after I got it. Then it became this ritual with August. Every morning we'd check on it's progress, count the blooms, smelled the roses, gave it banana peels to encourage new growth, snipped the old growth. It made things nice for me, here in Oklahoma, when I was trying to make things nice here in Oklahoma.

Everyone I know is putting down roots, it is going to be awhile before that happens to me. I long for pets, a garden, seeing my things again and putting them in a house, on shelves, decorate...In the meantime this rose bush was symbolic and hopeful. I didn't realize that until it was stolen. Not going to buy a new one as I don't have long here and don't know where I'll be going next. But shit! Not what I wanted or needed. Had that rose bush been where I left it, I wouldn't have had this chain reaction of thoughts that take me down these rabbit holes of insecurity, distrust, depression...geez how fragile am I?

*tera, Monday, 15 July 2013 04:01 (ten years ago) link

*tera I hope you don't mind me saying I found your post beautiful.

collardio gelatinous, Monday, 15 July 2013 04:18 (ten years ago) link

someone stole my stupid ivy plant 20 years ago in college and i'm still kind of pissed about it tbh

mookieproof, Monday, 15 July 2013 04:25 (ten years ago) link

Yep. Some of my bigger breakdowns in the last several years started with plants.

"A thing that mattered to me, that I invested time and care and imagination into was ruined by some uncaring asshole. I guess that means I can't control anything. Nothing good is allowed to happen. Fuck me and fuck what is important to me. I should have known better than to care."

even typing that out has given me an adrenaline rush. We build ourselves up and try real hard, but fragility is always under the surface.

I got shot down at work recently. I survived, but the fact that my survival was an issue reminds me of something or other.

Zachary Taylor, Monday, 15 July 2013 06:10 (ten years ago) link

no plant thefts, but i'm still devastated over my cat dying. i found these the other day -- they're from 2004 or 2005, taken at my parents' place.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7425/9291308222_b7f4738bb7.jpg

pass-ag caglia (get bent), Monday, 15 July 2013 06:26 (ten years ago) link

he looks sad (pensive cat is pensive) but he was spoiled rotten.

pass-ag caglia (get bent), Monday, 15 July 2013 06:27 (ten years ago) link

o jeez i'm so sorry

mookieproof, Monday, 15 July 2013 06:49 (ten years ago) link

:( RIP

Elvis Telecom, Monday, 15 July 2013 11:47 (ten years ago) link

w.r.t. plants, was sad facing facts that the little storebought basil plant from Whole Foods had lived far beyond it's probable life.

Elvis Telecom, Monday, 15 July 2013 11:49 (ten years ago) link

Not perfectly analogous to botanical burglary, but: many years back someone broke into my apartment and took off with my entire record collection. I'd been buying records since the age of nine, and had a few rarities in there. The stereo was left in place, but i would have infinitely preferred if they had taken that instead. That same summer my girlfriend of a few years decided to break up with me. The breakup was more lacerating, but -unlike the break-in- at least with that kind of loss you're able to access whole swaths of culture that romanticize your plight, and achingly beautifuly songs to quietly weep with. With the loss of a record collection you're mostly just left with the gut-blow and the emptiness of your shelves. Most people (as I suspect to be the case with plant theft) underappreciate its meaning and impact.

collardio gelatinous, Monday, 15 July 2013 15:11 (ten years ago) link

So sorry, pass-ag.

*tera, Monday, 15 July 2013 17:26 (ten years ago) link

HOLY SHIT, collardio, a record burglary would seriously devastate me! EEESH!

I took out the trash today and when I opened the bin it was half way filled with the neighbors crap that was once in their yard, old toys, aerosol cans and an old, coiled garden hose. I dug under it all fearing I'd find my plant but it wasn't there, fortunately. I suspect it was given away to one of the many people who swing by this person's place. At that moment, the guy next door came out and never made eye contact, had his head turned the whole time. He drove out with his head just turned all the way to the left, as far as it could go it seemed.

Left lights on in a few rooms, was getting mail...wtf? It could always be worse. Could have returned to a looted home and squatters, the kiddie pool gone. Glad they left the kiddie pool and plunger that were also on the back porch.

Then I thought, well maybe this guy has never left his home in his life? Maybe he is not familiar with the concept of leaving a home for several days to go somewhere else, then returning, travel, vacations. Feel better thinking that rose bush has gone to someone who needs it more. Unless it was thrown in our trash bin and set at the curb last week. We did leave trash in our bin.

"I guess that means I can't control anything. Nothing good is allowed to happen. Fuck me and fuck what is important to me. "
Exactly!

*tera, Monday, 15 July 2013 17:47 (ten years ago) link

Thanks *tera. I didn't buy records after that for a long, long time, years in fact; enough years that by the time I started to again, the default format had changed to CD's. I eventually got over the girlfriend, but the loss of those records still saddens me, tbh.

As for The Case of the Heirloom Rose: driving with head cranked to the left sounds mighty suspicious (unless he was backing up of course). I'll stay tuned for further clues.

collardio gelatinous, Monday, 15 July 2013 18:30 (ten years ago) link

...do any of you guys have issues with memory?

BIG HOOS aka the denigrated boogeyman (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Monday, 15 July 2013 20:03 (ten years ago) link

looooool do i

markers, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:04 (ten years ago) link

yeah. at the worst of my depression i had lost a pretty good chunk of my memory. it's better now, though, fortunately.

Spectrum, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:19 (ten years ago) link

i don't have a great memory for things that happened in my life, even though i am good at remembering trivia (song lyrics, names of writers, etc.)

Treeship, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:20 (ten years ago) link

i know i've had a mild resurgence of depression since early may, and coinciding with that i've had memory issues significant enough that i've been repeatedly called out on the carpet both in the work environment and in my personal life, and the increasing convergence and incidence is starting to scare me into thinking this is something more than just "i forgot. again."

BIG HOOS aka the denigrated boogeyman (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Monday, 15 July 2013 20:25 (ten years ago) link

could totally just be the depression. for me at least, in the midst of depression there's a disconnection b/t daily life and what's going on in your head, so things just doesn't "connect". there's also a little bit of "this is too painful, I'm outta here". i have no fucking clue i made it this far, i mostly just bullshitted knowing what was happening around me. don't let it get out of hand! i'm sure i don't need to tell you that. i left this crap untreated and it lasted nearly a decade.

Spectrum, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:29 (ten years ago) link

on my 10th cup of coffee this afternoon somebody asked me what i was self medicating for and i about lost it at my desk

BIG HOOS aka the denigrated boogeyman (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Monday, 15 July 2013 20:35 (ten years ago) link

that's funny, i recently realized i self-medicate with coffee.

Spectrum, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:40 (ten years ago) link

baby i don't wanna know...

i've always considered myself forgetful, but haven't linked it to my propensity for depression. i prefer to stick with the notion that i'm a bit of a "space cadet", and that this is part and parcel of "absent-mindedness". i really don't want to know ...

collardio gelatinous, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:41 (ten years ago) link

xposts: ha, thirded on the coffee.

collardio gelatinous, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:45 (ten years ago) link

The memory thing is pretty self-explanatory, you're not going crazy or falling apart, you're having a normal response to stress and having part of your mental resources concentrated on other things. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_of_stress_on_memory

Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Monday, 15 July 2013 20:47 (ten years ago) link

That makes a whole lot of sense TH.

collardio gelatinous, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:50 (ten years ago) link

When I'm feeling depressed, I'm way more likely to forget to do stuff, and that never helps me get out of that state either. Depression sucks like that in a lot of ways; draws your attention and energy away from other things, which makes you less able to do stuff, which makes you feel more depressed. Recognizing that cycle before it gets too out-of-hand has been key for me to fight it off.

Vinnie, Monday, 15 July 2013 20:52 (ten years ago) link


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