fuck cancer

Wow VG, you brought tears to my eyes. That is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I've read in a long time.

Much love to you and your family <3

what a brilliant, and very heartbreaking, post VG.

this hit hard.

When it first became clear that Mauriad was heading towards her last days, I wanted to pull the emergency brake. I wasn't ready, I needed more time to prepare for the truth. But life, as we know, and death, are just not like that.

this is my world to the power of x.
1 year on the speed of the loss of lucidity still hurts as i was denied the chance to say some final words of love.

cheers for posting this VG ...

Coming from you that means an awful lot, mark. Thank you :)

Mother in law passed away on Thursday night.

I visited her on Tuesday after I posted the story above, and she had completely deteriorated -- they had a hospital bed in the room, oxygen machine, and she on pain meds so pretty much out of it, but she was still breathing regularly. It was a horrible shock, but also the flag that we didn't have a lot of time left with her. We got a phonecall Wednesday morning that she was only breathing once a minute, and we drove right over. That morning we all thought that we would be saying final goodbyes by lunchtime. We stayed til 10pm that night, she had made no change. We went home and tried (and failed) to sleep, and came back first thing the next morning. Still no change. The hospice nurse visited, and said based on her vital signs she would have said she only had maybe an hour or two at best...the fact that she'd been holding out for 36 hours that way was unusual. All we could do was keep up the pain meds so that her breathing, such as it was, wouldn't become labored, and that eventually whatever was keeping her ticking along like a metronome would eventually let go. We left that night at 9pm...and at 11:50pm we got the call that she had finally passed.

Even though we knew it was coming, it was still sad, as expected. But going through this whole experience, it was about the nicest kind of sad I've felt, in that she wasn't in any pain when she did go, that we had all been together at the house with her, and taking care of each other while we were taking care of her because there were huge stretches of time where there was literally nothing we could do except, just be together. And as a family we hadn't been together like that, talking, laughing, sharing stories, hanging out, for over a year. So it was a strange kind of gift that she gave us.

But she left us some incredible memories too. That woman kept everything of sentimental value to her, from Mr Veg's first ever preschool artwork, her own baby booties and baby blanket, boxes upon boxes of photos, a handwritten 'memory book' of stories from her childhood that she'd been filling out over the past couple of years...and the greatest treasure of all, my brother in law last night found a stack of love letters, from my father in law to her, written in 1964 one month after they met, up until a few months later when he proposed to her and they married. They're so beautiful and simple and full of life and love and youthfulness.

The saddest now is going to be helping my father in law. He has dementia -- not so bad that he doesn't know where she is, but we have to give him a list of 'events' to tell him where she is now, what's going to happen to the ashes, when the funeral will be, etc...and he has to consult that list many many times throughout the day to keep his compass pointed in the right direction. The stress has rattled him to his core. Occasionally he gets so anxious he forgets that she's gone and we have to tell him again, or he'll forget completely where he is for a moment. It's so hard for him right now. To have him look at you and say "I never wanted to see this day" with tears in his eyes is just, it breaks my heart.

seriously, fuck cancer.

I'm so sorry, Veg. Love to you and yours.

oh vg ..

<3

fuck cancer.

<3

Very sorry to hear that Veg, all the best you and your family <3

Heartfelt condolences to you and your family, VG.

In some ways having the time time to say goodbye is better than someone being hit by a bus with no warning. Not a lot of ways, though; fuck cancer, and my condolences to you and yours, VegemiteGrrl.

I'm so sorry VG.

Sorry to hear, VG. Fuck cancer and fuck dementia too, since you mention it.

Love and hugs to you and your family VG. What you describe was very similar to my sister's passing; tragic, and utterly devastating, but containing pinpricks of solace here and there. I'm glad it was as positive as possible for her - pain-free, peaceful, surrounded by family, etc. Your support for your father in law will be so vital from now on, and you are a legend for being there for him. Those love letters sound beautiful.

Fuck cancer and fuck dementia too, since you mention it.

^ I fully endorse this post. Sorry to hear your bad news VG and wish you the best with your FIL.

thx guys :)

so, one year on ..

yes, life is easier.
the never ending darkness has subsided.
however, that does not take away the never ending impatience with the needs of being a single parent.
i mean, seriously, can someone pleas please please answer the 146 questions that mk2 asks every day..
it's exhausting.
oh, and scary and unexpected discovery that i have become a threat to all married couples in my local vicinity.
i.e. a few drinks last week ended up with an old friend laying into me as he thought i was coming onto his wife.
the fact is that she has recently recovered from cancer, so i was complimenting her on this aspect of her life.
next thing i know, her husband is full on in my face and threatening all manner of chaos ..

adult life sucks.

adults suck. they don't have to suck you down with them.

good wishes sent your way.

jeez talk about piling on

threatened adults can go fuck themselves

Got an IM this afternoon from an ex who I'm still friendly with...

She has stage IV brain cancer rapidly spreading through lymph nodes and bones, her Dr. told her she has 3-4 months tops.

What do you even say? I tried to stay positive but man do I feel incredibly miserable.

Hey Mark, I hadn't paid much attention to this thread in the beginning because frankly...it's a hard one for me because I've walked a million miles in your shoes. I have the answers to those 146 questions...but they never seem to make sense.

It gets better.

so there i am chillin' in the west wing to some old school rawkus grooves feeling good.

i walk into the tv room to find mk2 watching some old home videos that bh had filmed.

the sound of her voice and bammmm.

impact : massive downward groove.

i hate unexpected triggers.

18 months on and this shit still hurts hard.

time for a top up and an increase in volume.

aw mark :(

i went into my deleted voicemails and found one from my mother-in-law, and I've kept it so I can hear her voice

i feel weird abt it but I dont like just ~going on~ with life, not having some tangible part of her still with me.

:( Take care, Mark.

all ok now ..

a year ago i would have fallen into a dark hole for days, whereas now, i can cope ..

was just the trigger that hit ..

never expected it given the 18 months ..

My sister's birthday today, the first since she passed. She would have been 40. My parents had her partner and son over for birthday cake.

I live in a different country so I couldn't be there. Settled for having spaghetti for dinner - her favourite, and what we always had on her birthday.

My mum has just got a diagnosis of grade 2 invasive lobular breast cancer last week :( My step-dad is planning to re-mortgage his house to pay for some private treatment known as Targeted Intraoperative Radiotherapy. I am phoning some UK private healthcare companies tomorrow to find out the cost etc. Anyone know anything about this type of treatment? It isn't available on the NHS but seems to be more commonly used in Germany + the USA.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23037497
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24224997
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24225155

Concept seems to be limiting radiation exposure (and side effects thereof) while producing equivalent benefit. Evidence doesn't look overwhelming either way. Don't think it's standard of care even in the US given the way this evidence is reported.

What's his rationale for wanting to pursue this option?

They seem to think this is the best treatment, based on reading an article about successful trials of this treatment, cut out of a tabloid newspaper and passed on to them by a friend. That type of solid medical research! I think the 'one-stop' aspect is appealing to her and she is terrified of how much the intensive 6 week chemotherapy is going to hurt.

couldn't you get another oncologist's opinion about this before they proceed with it?

like a third party who doesn't have any institutional/emotional/financial investment in providing or not providing this new treatment?

you and your family have my sincere best wishes anyway, whatever treatment is chosen

^ all of what he said. good luck with everything dsp

It's not meant to be an alternative to chemo (which aims to treat distant micro-metastases) AFAICT, but to whole breast irradiation (which treats local/regional disease, in the breast and/or axilla).

Many cases of local breast ca are treated without chemo, or with long-term hormonal treatments like tamoxifen, which isn't what most people imagine if they think of "chemotherapy".

Whole breast radiation can go on for weeks, so maybe that's what they meant. Don't tend to think of radiation treatment as being very painful, but experiences vary, no doubt.

Does she have an oncologist she trusts? AFAIK NHS paid docs would have no financial interest in steering her one way or the other.

Thanks for your input/well wishes Nilmar,Nick + Plasmon. I am getting the feeling that this TARGIT thing is not as widely accredited as she has been led to believe I am still waiting for two private hospitals to return calls and their call centre staff had never heard of it, one of them was googling it while we talked. Also I think she is making some wrong assumptions about the treatment she is going to get because she referred to it as '6 weeks of chemotherapy'. Just by chance there is a program on the beeb tonight about bogus medical companies ripping off cancer sufferers. I think her relationship with doctors are just as bad as mine Plasmon, nod along, make eye contact and smile politely and phew.. glad that is over. The only reason they caught the cancer at this stage was through a screening program that was being run in the area and a friend twisted her arm to attend, luckily.

Hmm. There might be 6 weeks of chemo as part of the treatment plan too, but that wouldn't be replaced by TARGIT.

It's sometimes reasonable to forgo chemo if the year-by-year risk of metastasis is low, the benefit is limited, and/or the patient's general state of health and overall function increases the morbidity of treatment. I would think grade 2 disease would make them that much more likely to recommend a full regimen of treatment.

The oncologist should be willing to meet with family (along with the patient) to discuss the options, especially if it becomes clear that she doesn't fully understand what she's being told.

Hope it works out OK, best wishes.

This TARGIT treatment has not gone past trial in the UK, there is nowhere that does it. Just enquiring about it led me to a remarkable lady from a private company in Liverpool who gave my mum a good pep talk free of charge and told her she is lucky the cancer has been found the opposite side of her heart. She is a top girl who went way beyond what she is paid to do and cheered my mum up without soft-soaping anything.

That sounds a bit wank, but she really cheered her up. More than any of of us could do.

nothing is wank that makes people feel better when they're going through this, it's very tough and sad and frightening. my very best wishes to you and your mum.

estela otm

There are so few people who can pull that off really well. Hooray for help from unexpected but effective places.

Just got off the phone from my mother and she is better than last week. She has chosen a mastectomy, rather than targeted surgery and is feeling happy. I am so glad she has cheered up, because last week she was so fearful. It sounds like the cancer can be dealt with at this stage with one removal. I told her, you could cut anything off me right now, I wouldn't give a shit. Anyway we had a good laugh.

glad to hear she's doing better :)

wishing the best for her, DSP

all the best

Indeed!

And fuck you again for taking someone away too soon, cancer, and fuck you again.

http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/dc9/2013/12/benjamin_curtis_rip.php

neds on the money.

fuck cancer.

saw Philomena today

went into thinking the lady would probably remind me of my Mum and that it'd be a bit sad/funny and quite a nice time.

except that the character of Philomena looks and behaves a lot like my mother-in-law.
to the point where when she knelt beside her bed in her nightgown to pray, I think I audibly gasped 'oh no' and started crying quietly to myself

I wasn't ready to cry so much again. It felt good but it really shook me. Funny how you think you're 'okay' but your whole foundation is shifting sands, all the time

fuck you cancer, fuck you for taking away that sweet woman

sorry for that VG, loss can be unpredictable like that

one of my best friends, former boss, amazing dude just got a diagnosis (yesterday) of 4 months to live, possibly a year or more w/chemo

:(