Depression and what it's really like

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oh :( -- roxy you're gonna be ok -- just too many superemotional things happening at once maybe? i dunno, all that would flip me out. it's ok to hibernate sometimes, or i tell myself that at least.

free your spirit pig (La Lechera), Wednesday, 19 June 2013 04:38 (ten years ago) link

You have so much on your plate right now. I agree with Lechera, it is okay to hibernate.

*tera, Wednesday, 19 June 2013 05:16 (ten years ago) link

i really need to get my shit together so that when he does come home i can support him and not just be a basketcase.

is the main reason you (feel like you) don't have your shit together because he's not home? so you feel like what you ought to be doing is helping him, but you can't yet, so instead you just feel useless and guilty and adrift? i think that's how most people would feel. and if your fiance's father being sick upsets you like this i doubt you need to worry about failing to support him, or not being there for him: you're there already or you wouldn't be upset. obviously you care a lot and i think that's all people need from other people in situations like this, not super calm professional therapy. i think you will help him when he comes home, and if you allow yourself to believe that you are helping him you will feel better. in the awful meantime just be v firm with yr brain when it tries to convince you that getting disrupted by this means you are deficient, because of course it doesn't; it means the opposite. so yeah what ll/tera said. also congratulations.

the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Wednesday, 19 June 2013 06:03 (ten years ago) link

Bad things happening, and trying to handle and deal can lead to all sorts of whatever. Having a brain that puts life and death conditions on yourself only makes it harder.

Don't let your brain override the more important moments. Later on, address your brain sternly.

Zachary Taylor, Wednesday, 19 June 2013 06:14 (ten years ago) link

ok, update on my spiel above, i fired my therapist. thanks for calling me out la lechera, I was demonizing her. she just has a different approach that doesn't work with me, and i also believe she is a little nutty. she did fight me about leaving, though. she was like "well if you don't like my approach, you can see a trauma specialist." and that took me back a little bit. like, it's either her or some really foreboding kind-of shit. and her approach isn't even close to that!!! like if she thinks that'd actually help, she'd have recommended that in the first place.

but anyway, all that counts is I'm out, I can save up money to get myself a better living situation, and shift my focus. overall all positive. what a weird ride that was.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 19 June 2013 20:35 (ten years ago) link

Ever feel like your friends like you depressed because it makes them feel better or something? Speaking in general not to any one person on here? I get that vibe from two of my pals. Now that things are improving for me, seems what I share with them gets beaten down in a subtle way. Not very friendly thing to do. I often wonder if this is my perspective or if it is really going on. Has happened in the past, share good news, receive a negative point of view I never thought of. I no longer live in the same city with them. What I share is via texting or emails.

*tera, Wednesday, 19 June 2013 22:59 (ten years ago) link

I have a couple people in my life that are like that. Maybe gently address it with one of them and get their perspective on it. They might be consciously or subconsciously trying to drag you back down, or they might think they are helping by not letting you get your hopes too far up (as misguided as that is), or it might be more innocent than that. Some people are just poor communicators - although the possibility exists that they're just bad friends, too.

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 20 June 2013 00:14 (ten years ago) link

And thanks for the words y'all. Helped. I'm up here at the hosp with him now, and though the situation is grim, I have a better perspective on it up here. It was dark at the house this weekend. It was the kind of thing where you're struggling to even get a glass of water when you need one cause it seems like climbing a mountain or something. The constant circular thinking just sucks all the blood out of you.

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 20 June 2013 00:18 (ten years ago) link

i just want to thank everyone here for helping me through this crazy time, it's definitely made a positive difference in my life. it's dawning on me that my issues are a little more complex than just depression, so i'm going to take my leave here. hopefully i can get to a point where i can offer others support, too.

Spectrum, Thursday, 20 June 2013 14:57 (ten years ago) link

woke up feeling terrible today, and it's not a hangover from last night's wine. my sense of self-worth is shaky right now.

paula deezen (get bent), Monday, 24 June 2013 21:32 (ten years ago) link

one of the worst parts of depression is wondering whether your feelings are VALID or just a function of needing a dosage change or whatever. is it okay to feel terrible because we live in a terrible world, or do i not take my own thoughts seriously because i have a psychological disorder?

paula deezen (get bent), Monday, 24 June 2013 22:24 (ten years ago) link

Aren't you job hunting atm? That's enough to make anyone feel blue.

free your spirit pig (La Lechera), Monday, 24 June 2013 22:32 (ten years ago) link

yeah, part of it is constantly checking my cell phone and e-mail and getting deafening silence.

paula deezen (get bent), Monday, 24 June 2013 22:35 (ten years ago) link

your feelings are always valid

mookieproof, Monday, 24 June 2013 22:43 (ten years ago) link

Man that's the worst -- if it were me, I'd go for a really long walk but really you just gotta distract your brain. Podcast time?

free your spirit pig (La Lechera), Monday, 24 June 2013 22:43 (ten years ago) link

your feelings are always valid

not even so much a matter of valid or invalid. feelings just arise and there they are. then you have to deal with them.

Aimless, Monday, 24 June 2013 22:49 (ten years ago) link

it's just such a nightmare sci-fi scenario not to be able to trust your own brain.

paula deezen (get bent), Monday, 24 June 2013 22:55 (ten years ago) link

your feelings are always valid

not even so much a matter of valid or invalid. feelings just arise and there they are. then you have to deal with them.

― Aimless, Monday, June 24, 2013 6:49 PM (25 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

someone once gave me a stern talking to wrt this: "don't ever apologize about your feelings." valid or not, they represent a basic component of your consciousness to work with.

shaane, Monday, 24 June 2013 23:20 (ten years ago) link

did something trigger this onset?

thanks to the good weather i've been able to be of two minds and extricate myself from the mire of my self-loathing and see that, oh, i ate/drank/smoked like shit recently and didn't sleep well/have indegestion like a motha'/etc so now my body can't bootstrap motivation. realizing this, i ate a bunch of fruit all day and drank a bunch of coffee and took it easier on myself, and now i feel better. the slog of job hunting/situating your life just right/building a house will always be there. if i may be platitudinous, bind your heart to that deep down shit that you hold dear, and put the mind to strategy.

shaane, Monday, 24 June 2013 23:25 (ten years ago) link

i kind of wish this was on 77. anyway, i'm sorry to hear about all of the problems everyone is having, but i am heartened by the fact that, for the most part, everyone is thinking about their issues in positive, productive ways.

the issue i am having is that i live at home, and it is irritating to me how my family is, i think, in denial about how serious my depression can get... they tend to think it is something in the past, that is over. and that's fine usually, i probably encourage this by not sharing things with them and pretending everything is okay most of the time. but like, it is a think i actively combat every day and lately, the facade is pretty difficult to maintain. they seem to get uncomfortable even when i use euphemisms like "i am not feeling well lately". this is causing me frustration, and i find myself feeling resentful of them, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel more depressed, etc. i kind of have more specific things to say but i feel bad "shit talking" my family. i think, basically, what needs to happen is i need to accomplish my goals of 1.) getting some job in new york and 2.) moving to new york. i need distance from my family, whom i love, but who i feel too indebted to, or something...

maybe the problem is on my end. i feel guilty for not "living up to my potential" because of my depression, especially because this is not a thing that i think my family understands, and that i am kind of embarrassed of anyway. like, i'm not really candid with them that it wasn't just that i had difficulty "applying myself" freshman year of college when i barely passed a bunch of classes, it was that i was crying in my room all time and also couldn't sleep more than a few hours at a time. idk. the thing that works best is staying positive... like, i like to think it was a good thing that i at least had a brush with depression because it has made me more empathetic.

anyway, good luck to everyone out there. i just needed to write some things out and look at them. my main problem is guilt, i guess... my depression centers on feeling guilty and worthless. i don't think there is an external source for this, i think it's just how i am for some reason.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:01 (ten years ago) link

also, on a related note, i don't need, and probably don't even want, the external validation of my feelings from my parents -- that wouldn't help me at all. i just realized that, i think, after writing out my last post. it's better they think i am fine and it is a good thing, not a bad thing, that i am able to "pass" as happy so easily.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:04 (ten years ago) link

also: is there such a thing as reverse seasonal affective disorder? i always feel better in the winter. in the summer i feel out of step with the rhythms and the beauty of nature, and like i am missing out on something.... fun, i guess.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:08 (ten years ago) link

Treeship, you are a grand dude. Feeling guilty toward your family comes with being depressed. Your family, in your view, being "in denial" or not rating your depression like you do is integral to depression. You can't expect them to understand what it's like, for it is out of their realm. Plus, I am pretty sure they just want the best for you, nothing more but certainly nothing less. Don't underestimate their love and care for you simply because they do not understand your depression. Parents don't even understand the musical taste of their kids most of the time, let alone what really goes on within you, as a whole person, instead of just their child.

You are not just your parents child, you are your own person. Your parents not "getting" your depression kind of goes with the territory. Parents by default struggle with that. And it is also a defense mechanism; it would literally kill them of sadness if they knew the magnitude of your depression.

Don't berate your parents for not "understanding" your depression, is all I am saying. It's difficult enough to understand it yourself, you are asking too much if you want them to understand it too. As you say now in a later post, you wouldn't even want validation from your parents of this. It just goes against the parents-child dynamics, most of the time.

They want nothing but the best for you, I am sure. Asking them to understand your depression and validate it in the way you wish them to, is probably stretching it, is all I am saying.

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:28 (ten years ago) link

Reading that back now, I don't mean to stick up for parents. All I mean to say is, your parents will never understand the magnitude of your depression. And I am speaking from experience.

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:31 (ten years ago) link

thanks for your response le bateau ivre. i think you are totally right about everything. they are good parents, and have helped me out with everything i needed help with in my life. at this point what i need to be focused on is staying motivated to accomplishing my goal of relative financial independence/living in nyc where most of my friends live, and where i've always wanted to move. i am feeling stalled and discouraged right now and that is magnifying my normal brain chemistry issues, which i think are relatively under control at this point.

i think as far as my parents go, the main thing is that sometimes they will say stuff like "i wish we had instilled more confidence in you" and like... i become resentful, because that is not the root of my problems. but then again, i am hypersensitive to this stuff because of my feelings of guilt/indebtedness to them. there are worse problems, honestly.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:34 (ten years ago) link

btw, i've been meaning to ask you what your newspaper is called. i know i can't read it bc it's in dutch, but i'm just curious. thanks again for your response.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:38 (ten years ago) link

Exactly. You know where your focus should lie, as hard as it is. Go for your own your goals in life.

I can totally relate to feeling resentful and/or guilty when they say things like that. I've been there. I've been told "I wish you weren't so sensitive, I wish you would just be better, what did we do wrong" etc. Guilt trip from hell ensured. But what can you do? Indeed, there are worse problems. But also better opportunities. In finding your own way in life, going after your own goals. Your parents are the least of your worries, I think.

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:41 (ten years ago) link

it's true. that's what life's about... moving on and forging your own path. it's just hard to see that clearly when i'm like, still living in my childhood bedroom.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:42 (ten years ago) link

XP aw <3

I am very hesitant to disclose the name of my paper on here, but will tell you on 77 somewhere tomorrow.

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:43 (ten years ago) link

sounds good.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:44 (ten years ago) link

Yeah, that's tough, dealing with your parents, your youth and the parent-child dynamic in your face all the time, when you are still living with them.

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 00:47 (ten years ago) link

Brian Eno is eternal for creating the Oblique Strategy card that says simply “Go outside. Shut the door.”

Not a universal panacea, but when you've been inside for several days the outside starts looking apocalyptic.

Elvis Telecom, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 04:34 (ten years ago) link

weirdly, i was gonna quote that earlier tonight in response to this tweet:

Who has the screenshot of the "it's ableist to tell someone to go outside" tweet

paula deezen (get bent), Tuesday, 25 June 2013 04:50 (ten years ago) link

inside, outside, it's all the same

Nhex, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 05:11 (ten years ago) link

Oh man Treeship, I can so relate. I couldn't find work for several months after college, and I felt awful living at home, even though my parents were fine with it. I needed to move out and grow, but didn't have the means to do so. Not to mention being stuck in the house made me more depressed and curtailed my efforts to job search. And my parents didn't understand what I was going through at the time either. To go counter to LBI a little, if you feel angry towards your parents for not understanding you, feel angry! Even if it's not their fault, it's totally valid for you to feel that way. You don't have to take out that frustration or anger on them, but don't censor your internal feelings with guilt. Nothing good lies that way, I promise! And sometimes the anger/frustration can be a motivating factor to make you take action to improve the situation. It sounds like you know what to do to move on, so good luck.

Vinnie, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 13:56 (ten years ago) link

it's rough, but i kind of take heart in the fact that a lot of people are in the same boat and i've done things to fill my time over the past two years. at this point i think my resume is solid enough i should be able to find full-time employment in nyc, and i just need to remain confident about that and not read a bunch of stuff on the internet decrying the uselessness of humanities degrees. i'm happy with my degree though. the things i learned in college are a huge part of who i am and i wouldn't trade them for a million dollars. two million, though, maybe.

Treeship, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 16:10 (ten years ago) link

if you want to get a job in NYC, a humanities degree is a pretty good start. i have an English degree and haven't had a problem making a living with it. it's not champagne and benzes, but for my lifestyle it leaves more than enough in savings + apartment and other such. so i don't think you should worry about that aspect of things. i lived in a big apartment in Williamsburg at 22 y/o with plenty of money in the bank thanks to my no-name college humanities degree. the key w/ that, though, is hustle. if you do the legwork you can do it.

Spectrum, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 16:17 (ten years ago) link

what industry were you in, if I may ask?

Nhex, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 16:26 (ten years ago) link

when is started i was a marketing/branding writer in-house for a corporation. now i'm another kind-of in-house corporate writer. not exactly glam, but it's steady and pays the bills.

Spectrum, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 16:31 (ten years ago) link

ah, i see. just curious

Nhex, Tuesday, 25 June 2013 16:40 (ten years ago) link

huh, why did I think you worked at a law firm?

emilys., Tuesday, 25 June 2013 22:40 (ten years ago) link

And yeah, Treeship, reverse SAD is totally a thing. It's like, I should be traveling & going swimming & going to cook-outs or whatever it is people do during the summer, but really half the time it just feels desolate, empty and smothering. At least in the fall and winter being down seems properly atmospheric, but in the spring & summer when you're depressed it just feels like all the beauty and verdancy are taunting you.

emilys., Tuesday, 25 June 2013 22:47 (ten years ago) link

thanks for verifying that emilys, yeah... because that is totally a thing i deal with and i haven't heard it mentioned before.

Treeship, Wednesday, 26 June 2013 01:48 (ten years ago) link

Summer also = all of media is full of happy families on vacation and/or half-naked bodies splashing around in crystal clear water. Total bombardment of images telling you that you ought to be happy which is bound to have an effect on anyone who isn't.

cardamon, Wednesday, 26 June 2013 15:39 (ten years ago) link

here all of you on the summertime blues shit. the worst are cheap american beer commercials where everyone's on the beach, and there's a bonfire and a DJ and dudes chillin with young women in bikinis, having a great time drinking cans of Coors Light they keep in a styrofoam cooler they bought at 7-11 in their flipflops and cargo shorts and their shoddy plastic sunglasses hanging from their faded sports t-shirts. i look at that, look at my life, and i dream of walking into traffic.

in other news i realized i got an official diaqnosis. major depressive disorder, moderate recurrent. feels so satisfyingly clinical.

Spectrum, Thursday, 4 July 2013 17:47 (ten years ago) link

Yo why are you letting the fakest and most manufactured images possible in all of society be what you measure ANYTHING by??? Come the fuck on, you are way smarter than that; if you want to wallow, wallow, but don't pretend that's not what you're doing.

Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Thursday, 4 July 2013 17:52 (ten years ago) link

Also if those people in the ad were real and you had to spend a whole day with them, it would be like torture. Pretty sure about this.

Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Thursday, 4 July 2013 17:52 (ten years ago) link

sorry, that was sorta tongue-in-cheek, i just find that kinda stuff funny and absurd. sentiment's the same though, 4th of July and all... family friend BBQ fun day with fireworks, and i'm sittin here gettin stoned and chain smoking. guess it could be worse.

Spectrum, Thursday, 4 July 2013 17:58 (ten years ago) link

tuff love from in_orbit is OTM -- don't let the beer commercials fool you. those ppl are actors, acting. they undoubtedly have plenty of misery in their lives.

xpost uhhh.. getting stoned rules.

i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Thursday, 4 July 2013 17:58 (ten years ago) link

ugh flipflops

mookieproof, Thursday, 4 July 2013 18:00 (ten years ago) link


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