Best line from TripAdvisor reviews of the Hotel Carter in NYC

reading these in Neil Hamburger's voice

"moles" must be a typo for "molds" right? I mean I want it to just mean "moles", but

maybe they meant the tub was full of savory chocolate sauce

ok why did molds not occur to me

My top 4. I can NOT narrow it down further:

You know it's gonna be a bad start when the entrace to the hotel has a display of nutcrackers in the window
I took sleep aids for 2 nights to escape from the horror of reality
I first noticed that my room door was broken in two!
With request from the small chinese man received nothing but hard heart ache and pian

so much horror

white things out in the air so we shut it off

"MISS WE CANNOT CATCH MICE" ::jerry lewis voice::

Roxy, I love you. For the past two years I have been obsessed with reading bad reviews of a holiday camp in England. In fact, I was catching up the other day. Totally going to read this one and I have a feeling it's going to be my new thing. (btw: http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g1752567-d607436-Reviews-Pontin_s_Camber_Sands_Centre-Camber_East_Sussex_England.html - in the last three days there seems to be a rash of positive reviews but go back - some of them are unbelievable. Also, the pictures.)

-We found maggets on our beds. -There were moles everywhere in the bathtub.

Also, I really want this to be moles too. Dammit.

ENBB you know Pontin's Camber Sands was where UK ATP was held for many years? Yeah it was pretty low rent but nothing horrendous, my favourite experience was the shower that cycled automatically and unstoppably every minute between boiling hot and freezing cold, having to jump in to wash for the brief seconds it was tolerable. Would also like to find a pic of the terrifying David Thewlis lookalike mural above the bar.

Maybe it's got a lot worse recently...

I don't know if I did know that, I think thought it was at a Butlins. Maybe it has gotten worse because some of the pictures/stories really do make it look pretty bad.

Yeah they moved it to Butlins which is about 1/1000 as seedy.

Oh, I've been to Butlins. I think the one it's held at though right now the name is escaping me.

Minehead!

Oh I liked that little Pontins, I didn't mind the chalets. It was amazing that the resort even had its own associated bar (<3 u, Queen Vic). Can you imagine a US campground having a pub attached? It would be unusable.

Which was not seedy but was definitely still . . . an "interesting" experience. Not really the kind of I'd ever pay to go to again tbh. Was totally worth it for the day trips though - I saw wild ponies and landscapes that looked like something out of a surreal dream!

I'm going to Camber in two weeks for ATP! I've been plenty before, and yeah, Minehead is a lot nicer in terms of chalets/cleanliness, but Camber is way better for maintaining the festival atmosphere.

x-post - Oh I liked that little Pontins, I didn't mind the chalets. It was amazing that the resort even had its own associated bar (<3 u, Queen Vic). Can you imagine a US campground having a pub attached? It would be unusable.

― Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Thursday, June 13, 2013 11:23 AM (50 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Hmmmm, campground? Is that what you would liken them to? I was trying to explain it to someone once and I couldn't really think of a us equivalent but I've never been to a campground. In light of that this might be a dumb question but, don't you stay in tents and stuff at campgrounds?

GUYS STOP YOU ARE MAKING IT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN THE HORRIBLE PLACE I HAD IMAGINED IN MY HEAD AND NOW READING THOSE REVIEWS WILL NO LONGER BE FUN.

Yeah, we don't really have those little...holiday villages? Anymore. I think they were more common in my mom's childhood but they turned decrepit/seedy eventually and then mostly disappeared. There are still some campgrounds that advertise cabins instead of tents, I don't know how common that is.

Kamping Kabins.

Yeah, there really isn't a direct equivalent that I could think of especially not one with activities and an entertainment schedule and stuff. I'll tell you what it did make for - excellent people watching. I guess what freaked me out most about those Pontins reviews was just how dirty so many of them made it sound. The words "mould" and "filthy" come up way too many times for somewhere that you're paying money to stay.

rox is this gonna be your honeymoon destination??

Fans of the words "mould", "filthy" and "smell of cats" may enjoy the tripadvisor for a place near me:

http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Hotel_Review-g186361-d193762-Reviews-or10-Nanford_Guest_House-Oxford_Oxfordshire_England.html

(again, it has a few more favourable reviews lately for some reason. I haven't read them for a while so I don't know if the recent reviews are as amusing/horrifying but I spent a whole afternoon reading what was there about a year ago)

Look, as long as the English insist on putting carpeting in bathrooms, I don't see how you're going to avoid mold in the best of cases.

I used to work summers at an expensive (for West MI) resort with sort of the same idea: children's activities, tennis courts, a beach, mini-golf, tetherbalol. It had a main lodge with hotel rooms, and lots of smaller outbuildings that were full chalets with their own kitchens and stuff. I promise you that the decor and furnishings were NOT what guests were paying for, unless they were paying for the privilege of looking at the same lampshades their grandmothers had when they stayed there (it was that kind of place).

It was clean though (I know because I cleaned it).

When we went back to our room, there were people meditating right in front of our door, which we could not open

maybe they were trying to cast a spell of closing

AND NOW READING THOSE REVIEWS WILL NO LONGER BE FUN.

Just check out the travelers photos...

Oh, I've looked at them. All of them. Horrifying tbh which is one of the reasons I'm surprised that so many people are saying it's not that bad. It looks pretty grim!

The hot-water faucet fell out when I was in the shower, and a gush of boiling lava-like water landed me in ER.

Gotta admit laughed out loud at that one. ROxy deserves a medal for this thread.

we had FOIL as a mirror.

underrated IMO

I have to admit the idea of trying to shave or put on makeup in front of a foil mirror did make me chuckle

Yeah, that's pretty good. I kinda want to stay at this place. For like 20 minutes. Just to see how bad it really is.

lol who am I kidding - if it's as bad as it sounds I'd last 15 tops.

Also underrated imo:

"the walls were covered in graffiti, one that said 'evil lurks within this room look under the bed'"

It's like the Amityville Horror up in this place.

once for a friend's wedding we stayed at a cheap Philly hotel room with blood spatter across one of the walls and the pervasive smell of old butter because we were too broke to stay anywhere else

omg omg omg

"We witnessed cockroaches and mice and there was a blow up doll outside our window!"

witnessed lol

x-post - BLOOD!

also a big fan of someone had urinated in the bed recently and placed all of the pillows in the center of the bed to absorb it.

well wait let me rephase

Strangely enough the mould on the ceiling didn't bother me that much, nor the resident cockroach.

Gregor Samsa lives in my room

rox is this gonna be your honeymoon destination??

― ttyih boi (crüt), Thursday, June 13, 2013 3:37 PM (2 hours ago)

haha this is also the question that was on my mind

hahaha no, but i have been thinking of it lately bc andy and i went to nyc on our first trip together, and that's when i discovered these amazing reviews.

ENBB <3 thank you for this link - i think i have a new hobby. the hotel carter's tripadvisor has some pretty funny/O_O pics too - most are people showing mysterious rashes. and similarly, the hotel carter is now sadly being renovated, and is also having a recent rash of decent reviews. sad

batshit crazy reviews on trip advisor is my most favourite thing ever, thanks roxy

I love how there's rats and guys living in the hall and then "the curtains in your room were sewn in the early 60's"

voted for 'FOIL as a mirror,' it's the caps that does it, also love that it works in the sense that somebody can be somebody else's foil

right now really feeling the power of "Looks like a scene from a bad movie that takes place." however "There are bums defacating in the lobby" offers a strong challenge

BELL PEPPERS is good too... it's like youre in a real life AD&D game with a DM who has a sense of humor

Holy shit, the response from the management of that hotel.

ResponseS plural. I've gone down the rabbit-hole on this one.

malibublackpool, Your Shrink at Malibu Hotel, responded to this review
10 September 2012
How many times do we have to tell you not to open tripadvisor accounts and use your turrets in writing. We understand your medication is not working but it will in time. The malibu clearly had to put up with you on your day release from ward 29, but this will be your last release. If it wasn't for the malibu hotel, you would be lying in an alley again somewhere after paying your fiver a night allowance. Thanks Malibu for looking after this very sick person...

Jasmine Beach Resort, Turkey
this is definatley not for the english so be prepared to be treated like we are the foreigners!!

...

RIP :(

http://www.blackpoolgazette.co.uk/news/local/court-shuts-down-stag-and-hen-hotel-1-4495879

OMG

ty enbb!!!!

The hotel was surrounded by wild cats so couldn’t leave the hotel at night - Donna O

Surrounded By Wildcats would have been a good ripoff of Captured! By Robots during the whole rediscovery of state-fair airbrushed cat-and-wolf T shirts thing.

You know, because everyone was really striving to rip off Captured! By Robots.

A door down the corridor had a hand-written sign on it saying “Anyone Who Knocks Dies” with a picture of a gun and a skull. - anon

There was a crap in the pool when we moved in. It got cleaned out but it made it difficult to eat meals as every time you faced the window it caught your eye and put you off the food.
The taps were annoying. - Angel889

^^ I love the use of the second person in that one especially

http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Hotel_Review-g186332-d615459-Reviews-or40-Grosvenor_Hotel-Blackpool_Lancashire_England.html#REVIEWS

with regards to this “hotel”, this was my first day after waking up from a 10 year coma, and within 30 seconds are being in this hotel, I wished I was back in the coma!!! I decided I needed to get out of here, and required a long hard-drink to overcome this situation (alcohol hadn’t passed my lips for 20 years, obviously 10 of these I was in a coma). - DRBLACKITH666

btw i was in a coma fyi

"obviously"

"This is by far the worst place ive stayed in. i found a cats paw in my pillow case - JonNigweed"

http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Hotel_Review-g190762-d632780-Reviews-Wulfrun_Hotel-Wolverhampton_West_Midlands_England.html

http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Hotel_Review-g186332-d192734-Reviews-or810-Norbreck_Castle_Hotel-Blackpool_Lancashire_England.html#REVIEWS

We happened to be there at the same time as an Alcoholics Anon convention which made us feel totally guilty about drinking at the bar as they watched us mournfully.

There was also a large puddle on the disused forecourt in which a dead pigeon floated for the duration of our holiday. - angieM

What kind of hospital discharges you the day you wake up from your ten-year coma?

idk

so. many. questions.

I spent HOURS on this thing yesterday. I can't stop!

lmao at wishing he was back in the coma

http://sociorocketnewsen.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/df14b652-s.jpg

killjoys

lol

I sent this one to Emily a while back.

http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g186338-d1650972-r188990643-Steve_s_Bed_Breakfast-London_England.html#CHECK_RATES_CONT

Do not go there. On arrive the stairs was full of mould and dirty and look like they had not cleaned the place in year. There was fly flying your face.

The place is badly maintained, almost neglected, the swimming pool looks like a pool with toads inside, the 2 cats of the owner come to steal the food in the kitchen and the dog is attached to 1 meter of rope and barks all the time.
Clothes were stolen from us, the owner is always shouting in her garden and we even had to bring in the police, the supporting evidences to the commissionership! Her husband says nothing, I believe that he is afraid of her.

The maid walked in on my wife while she was in the bathroom, and the maid asked us to wait out on the balcony while she cleaned our room (even though we insisted we didn't need her services that day).

The villa's guest book was a scrapbook of edited entries, blocking out a history of customer complaints.

we were given an initial roll of toilet paper, but were told that additional TP would be our responsibility as well!!

http://www.thrillist.com/travel/nation/tripadvisor-s-worst-hotels-in-the-world-thrillist-nation

its my goal to stay at all of those

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9s9N0cBiFA

i keep referencing "receiving nothing but hard heart ache and pian" (pronounced pee-on) to my husband who i thought i had talked about this with. i was mistaken

finally he was like "wtf does that mean?"

respond by emailing him a confirmation for a stay at the hotel carter.

i think i was complaining that after much request from the toaster i received nothing but hard heartache and pian, and he had finally had enough

lol

"I took sleep aids for 2 nights to escape from the horror of reality" is criminally underrated

as a former guest i can say that getting blindingly wasted during your trip also works.