Depression and what it's really like

is it cool for a therapist to do stuff like that? if it were a dude therapist, would you like it if he was stroking his junk in the session with you?

Of course it bugs you out if she is actually doing those things are you describe them. Of course. I'm just saying that from my perspective, as a woman who wears clothes and occasionally has to adjust her bra, it's easy for people to get the wrong idea and then attribute some sort of intention to it that isn't actually there. What you said before was that she was "wearing provocative clothing" and honestly, that could have nothing to do with you. I was just pointing out that if you have decided to move on, there's no reason to go into any more detail about her clothing.

You never said anything about "stroking her junk" --that's clearly outlandishly unprofessional. You said she was wearing "provocative clothing", which is quite different imo.

yikes -- this are you describe them should have said "as you are describing them"

maybe there isn't a reason to focus on it beyond it belonging to a whole bag of unprofessional traits. there are far more important reasons not to go there anymore, i'm just angry that i've gone so long with a bad therapist. i hate that i'm so easily controlled and that i don't take care of myself, and people make big bucks and get their rocks off on it. basically i just want vengeance from all the times i've been wronged in my life, partic my family, but it's a hopeless quest. there's nothing i can do about it except move on.

Yes, definitely move on, do not dwell on it. Using her clothing or your perceptions of her behavior (I'm assuming she didn't actually try to sit on your face or sthg) is not a good way to amplify her professional shortcomings, which are ample, as you've described them.

drop the hot potato and bounce

otm
time to bizounce

yeah, i'm just trying to find evidence to justify my feelings, as if my feelings aren't legitimate in the first place. that's what i'm doing here. if i went with my feelings in the first place, i would've left after month 2 w/ no reference to clothing.

there's a whole load of other crap going on. creepy, obnoxious living situation, taking on a management role at work, being stuck in the suburbs, dropping my therapist, having no one in my life, recovering from depression and child abuse. it's so much friggin stuff!! i feel like my brain is going to explode.

there are many good therapists out there spectrum, you will have success in the future. i hope you tell her you are dropping her today and don't drag this out any longer.

And though it's kind of a cliche, shitty experiences like this inform and improve your future decisions. From what you've said in this thread, you're already getting better at recognizing when a situation is bad.

that's true, I am making progress in that regard. I'm actually making a lot of progress, but things are friggin crazy right now. I have to find a new apartment soon because my landlord is a fucking creepy weirdo (yet another case of not trusting my gut), new therapist, new everything. feels like I can't just chill out because there's something "wrong" with most parts of my life now. but it's always been like that, so at least things are a little different this time...

man, recovering from being abused is hard as fuck. the world is so difficult and unforgiving... so many people willing to exploit you, too few people who give a shit. no chances to make a mistake or take a break because everything falls apart and there's no floor or net to catch you.

you guys are pretty cool, though, and thanks for helping me out here.

Spectrum, you definitely have a big streak of self-pity that you indulge yourself in. If you want to fire your therapist because you think she is a bad fit for you, then fire her. The longer you proclaim how awful the situation is, while doing nothing to change it, the more you forfeit any sympathy that others might have for your plight.

Just make a decision and act on it. Yes, that can be hard, much harder than dithering and whining, but when something is necessary then how hard it is becomes irrelevant. Being an adult means stepping up and doing hard things when they are the right thing to do. You have to start some time. Such as now, for instance.

And don't beat yourself up for not doing it sooner. You seem to be making progress with not dwelling on the past, and this is another area where that applies.

The thing is, Aimless, is that I'm not looking for sympathy. The problem I have is I have no idea whether or not my feelings are right or even real, so I constantly need input from others to check myself against. It's way worse than trying to get pity points from people. I need a reality check. That's the childhood abuse crap I'm talking about, not knowing what's real or fake due to nearly two decades of being brainwashed.

The positive side is that I am getting more confident in my feelings, it's just that all this stress is totally shorting me out. I'll be OK, I just need to chill out and assess things from this new position I'm in.

wow, even recognizing that in itself is progress. ok..ok... things are going to be alright.

a few days ago i got back from a wonderful vacation at the beach. we got engaged and andy's whole, extended family was there. on the way home, halfway between here and there in VA, his elderly father got really sick and had to go into the emergency room. hes still there, having been diagnosed with sepsis and "crashing" a lot. everyone seems pretty sure that he will die at any time. andy is there with him, i am home. for several days now i've just been sitting around turning our house into a hovel, eating badly, doing no work, goofing around on the internet and being stressed. sleeping for a couple hours in a recliner at night. last night i wrote in my diary "tomorrow: goals or death"; today i set no goals nor did i make progress on any previously set goals. very depressed, feel powerless, weird to be alone in my house, hard to try to support andy from here, hard to experience that kind of sorrow and fear second hand from so far away, i want andy to come home but if he comes home it means his father died. i really need to get my shit together so that when he does come home i can support him and not just be a basketcase.

also, it occurred to me today that it is not really normal to intentionally view oneself in the most horrible light possible. other people try to make themselves feel better about things - it's naturally where their minds go. making yourself walk through the fire all the time produces no positive result

oh :( -- roxy you're gonna be ok -- just too many superemotional things happening at once maybe? i dunno, all that would flip me out. it's ok to hibernate sometimes, or i tell myself that at least.

You have so much on your plate right now. I agree with Lechera, it is okay to hibernate.

i really need to get my shit together so that when he does come home i can support him and not just be a basketcase.

is the main reason you (feel like you) don't have your shit together because he's not home? so you feel like what you ought to be doing is helping him, but you can't yet, so instead you just feel useless and guilty and adrift? i think that's how most people would feel. and if your fiance's father being sick upsets you like this i doubt you need to worry about failing to support him, or not being there for him: you're there already or you wouldn't be upset. obviously you care a lot and i think that's all people need from other people in situations like this, not super calm professional therapy. i think you will help him when he comes home, and if you allow yourself to believe that you are helping him you will feel better. in the awful meantime just be v firm with yr brain when it tries to convince you that getting disrupted by this means you are deficient, because of course it doesn't; it means the opposite. so yeah what ll/tera said. also congratulations.

Bad things happening, and trying to handle and deal can lead to all sorts of whatever. Having a brain that puts life and death conditions on yourself only makes it harder.

Don't let your brain override the more important moments. Later on, address your brain sternly.

ok, update on my spiel above, i fired my therapist. thanks for calling me out la lechera, I was demonizing her. she just has a different approach that doesn't work with me, and i also believe she is a little nutty. she did fight me about leaving, though. she was like "well if you don't like my approach, you can see a trauma specialist." and that took me back a little bit. like, it's either her or some really foreboding kind-of shit. and her approach isn't even close to that!!! like if she thinks that'd actually help, she'd have recommended that in the first place.

but anyway, all that counts is I'm out, I can save up money to get myself a better living situation, and shift my focus. overall all positive. what a weird ride that was.

Ever feel like your friends like you depressed because it makes them feel better or something? Speaking in general not to any one person on here? I get that vibe from two of my pals. Now that things are improving for me, seems what I share with them gets beaten down in a subtle way. Not very friendly thing to do. I often wonder if this is my perspective or if it is really going on. Has happened in the past, share good news, receive a negative point of view I never thought of. I no longer live in the same city with them. What I share is via texting or emails.

I have a couple people in my life that are like that. Maybe gently address it with one of them and get their perspective on it. They might be consciously or subconsciously trying to drag you back down, or they might think they are helping by not letting you get your hopes too far up (as misguided as that is), or it might be more innocent than that. Some people are just poor communicators - although the possibility exists that they're just bad friends, too.

And thanks for the words y'all. Helped. I'm up here at the hosp with him now, and though the situation is grim, I have a better perspective on it up here. It was dark at the house this weekend. It was the kind of thing where you're struggling to even get a glass of water when you need one cause it seems like climbing a mountain or something. The constant circular thinking just sucks all the blood out of you.

i just want to thank everyone here for helping me through this crazy time, it's definitely made a positive difference in my life. it's dawning on me that my issues are a little more complex than just depression, so i'm going to take my leave here. hopefully i can get to a point where i can offer others support, too.

woke up feeling terrible today, and it's not a hangover from last night's wine. my sense of self-worth is shaky right now.

one of the worst parts of depression is wondering whether your feelings are VALID or just a function of needing a dosage change or whatever. is it okay to feel terrible because we live in a terrible world, or do i not take my own thoughts seriously because i have a psychological disorder?

Aren't you job hunting atm? That's enough to make anyone feel blue.

yeah, part of it is constantly checking my cell phone and e-mail and getting deafening silence.

your feelings are always valid

Man that's the worst -- if it were me, I'd go for a really long walk but really you just gotta distract your brain. Podcast time?

your feelings are always valid

not even so much a matter of valid or invalid. feelings just arise and there they are. then you have to deal with them.

it's just such a nightmare sci-fi scenario not to be able to trust your own brain.

your feelings are always valid

not even so much a matter of valid or invalid. feelings just arise and there they are. then you have to deal with them.

― Aimless, Monday, June 24, 2013 6:49 PM (25 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

someone once gave me a stern talking to wrt this: "don't ever apologize about your feelings." valid or not, they represent a basic component of your consciousness to work with.

did something trigger this onset?

thanks to the good weather i've been able to be of two minds and extricate myself from the mire of my self-loathing and see that, oh, i ate/drank/smoked like shit recently and didn't sleep well/have indegestion like a motha'/etc so now my body can't bootstrap motivation. realizing this, i ate a bunch of fruit all day and drank a bunch of coffee and took it easier on myself, and now i feel better. the slog of job hunting/situating your life just right/building a house will always be there. if i may be platitudinous, bind your heart to that deep down shit that you hold dear, and put the mind to strategy.

i kind of wish this was on 77. anyway, i'm sorry to hear about all of the problems everyone is having, but i am heartened by the fact that, for the most part, everyone is thinking about their issues in positive, productive ways.

the issue i am having is that i live at home, and it is irritating to me how my family is, i think, in denial about how serious my depression can get... they tend to think it is something in the past, that is over. and that's fine usually, i probably encourage this by not sharing things with them and pretending everything is okay most of the time. but like, it is a think i actively combat every day and lately, the facade is pretty difficult to maintain. they seem to get uncomfortable even when i use euphemisms like "i am not feeling well lately". this is causing me frustration, and i find myself feeling resentful of them, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel more depressed, etc. i kind of have more specific things to say but i feel bad "shit talking" my family. i think, basically, what needs to happen is i need to accomplish my goals of 1.) getting some job in new york and 2.) moving to new york. i need distance from my family, whom i love, but who i feel too indebted to, or something...

maybe the problem is on my end. i feel guilty for not "living up to my potential" because of my depression, especially because this is not a thing that i think my family understands, and that i am kind of embarrassed of anyway. like, i'm not really candid with them that it wasn't just that i had difficulty "applying myself" freshman year of college when i barely passed a bunch of classes, it was that i was crying in my room all time and also couldn't sleep more than a few hours at a time. idk. the thing that works best is staying positive... like, i like to think it was a good thing that i at least had a brush with depression because it has made me more empathetic.

anyway, good luck to everyone out there. i just needed to write some things out and look at them. my main problem is guilt, i guess... my depression centers on feeling guilty and worthless. i don't think there is an external source for this, i think it's just how i am for some reason.

also, on a related note, i don't need, and probably don't even want, the external validation of my feelings from my parents -- that wouldn't help me at all. i just realized that, i think, after writing out my last post. it's better they think i am fine and it is a good thing, not a bad thing, that i am able to "pass" as happy so easily.

also: is there such a thing as reverse seasonal affective disorder? i always feel better in the winter. in the summer i feel out of step with the rhythms and the beauty of nature, and like i am missing out on something.... fun, i guess.

Treeship, you are a grand dude. Feeling guilty toward your family comes with being depressed. Your family, in your view, being "in denial" or not rating your depression like you do is integral to depression. You can't expect them to understand what it's like, for it is out of their realm. Plus, I am pretty sure they just want the best for you, nothing more but certainly nothing less. Don't underestimate their love and care for you simply because they do not understand your depression. Parents don't even understand the musical taste of their kids most of the time, let alone what really goes on within you, as a whole person, instead of just their child.

You are not just your parents child, you are your own person. Your parents not "getting" your depression kind of goes with the territory. Parents by default struggle with that. And it is also a defense mechanism; it would literally kill them of sadness if they knew the magnitude of your depression.

Don't berate your parents for not "understanding" your depression, is all I am saying. It's difficult enough to understand it yourself, you are asking too much if you want them to understand it too. As you say now in a later post, you wouldn't even want validation from your parents of this. It just goes against the parents-child dynamics, most of the time.

They want nothing but the best for you, I am sure. Asking them to understand your depression and validate it in the way you wish them to, is probably stretching it, is all I am saying.

Reading that back now, I don't mean to stick up for parents. All I mean to say is, your parents will never understand the magnitude of your depression. And I am speaking from experience.

thanks for your response le bateau ivre. i think you are totally right about everything. they are good parents, and have helped me out with everything i needed help with in my life. at this point what i need to be focused on is staying motivated to accomplishing my goal of relative financial independence/living in nyc where most of my friends live, and where i've always wanted to move. i am feeling stalled and discouraged right now and that is magnifying my normal brain chemistry issues, which i think are relatively under control at this point.

i think as far as my parents go, the main thing is that sometimes they will say stuff like "i wish we had instilled more confidence in you" and like... i become resentful, because that is not the root of my problems. but then again, i am hypersensitive to this stuff because of my feelings of guilt/indebtedness to them. there are worse problems, honestly.

btw, i've been meaning to ask you what your newspaper is called. i know i can't read it bc it's in dutch, but i'm just curious. thanks again for your response.

Exactly. You know where your focus should lie, as hard as it is. Go for your own your goals in life.

I can totally relate to feeling resentful and/or guilty when they say things like that. I've been there. I've been told "I wish you weren't so sensitive, I wish you would just be better, what did we do wrong" etc. Guilt trip from hell ensured. But what can you do? Indeed, there are worse problems. But also better opportunities. In finding your own way in life, going after your own goals. Your parents are the least of your worries, I think.

it's true. that's what life's about... moving on and forging your own path. it's just hard to see that clearly when i'm like, still living in my childhood bedroom.

XP aw <3

I am very hesitant to disclose the name of my paper on here, but will tell you on 77 somewhere tomorrow.

sounds good.

Yeah, that's tough, dealing with your parents, your youth and the parent-child dynamic in your face all the time, when you are still living with them.

Brian Eno is eternal for creating the Oblique Strategy card that says simply “Go outside. Shut the door.”

Not a universal panacea, but when you've been inside for several days the outside starts looking apocalyptic.