a divorce thread

a lot are i meant

my friend is getting divorced after being married 4 years. she told me today over gchat and i was just kind of like "ok" and didn't push for any more info. she just wanted me to know but i knew this would happen (should have sooner tbh) because i even tried to tell her before she got married i didn't think it was such a great idea (i didn't try *that* hard though, kinda rude). don't know what to do for her now though ˘\(o_º)/˘

yeah, i'm now old enough to have lived through several of my straight friends divorces and all I can say as the bystander to this is that people who are going to get married should really talk together- a lot- about what being married means to each party, and what it doesn't mean. I have now seen a mis-match of expectations about marriage and crushing disappointment wreck at least three marriages (tho happily other straight friends are able to keep on trucking). Sucks.

Breakups and divorces really aren't the same thing IMO.

I dunno, I think it depends on the nature or duration of the relationship.

harbl i think u just need to be like hey i'm here if you need anything; maybe check in with her every couple weeks unless she tells you to step off

yeah we don't even live in the same state anymore so it's hard. she seemed like she just needed something to occupy her time so i'm kinda like uh, can't help u. fortunately they already lived separate because she's still in school and he works in another city. i dunno i don't really have a problem just like wow, what would i do, you know?

it happens, rite

is that why they're divorcing?

send her some flowers or a nice present imo

from my friends' experience - with both divorces and break ups of really long-term relationships - the things that make it the hardest are when kids or shared property (houses, businesses) are involved.

Call all Destroyer's advice is good.

i don't even know exactly why. i really didn't ask. i figured she would tell me sometime and i don't really have my own curiosity about this shit (not a gossiper? i don't know). i can guess well enough. they don't have any property either which is good! this is gonna be a breeze really

for you or for your friend?

for her! not really but a lot better than it could be

not a problem for me if i'm not making this clear. just thinkin baout things, wishing i could have more empathy sometimes

did they try seeing a therapist together? i have found it to be very helpful, but sometimes things are too far gone.

nah i don't think it can be repaired, i think it might be for the best in the long run tbh

If they're not even living in the same area, unless they had definite plans to do so in the future, I don't see the point in being married/in a relationship.

well some people see points in different things i guess

yes they do, but at that point, if it were me, I'd be asking myself a bunch of questions.

i don't think distance had that much to do with it but i'm not gonna spell out all the other reasons for the internet

Two of my very old good friends finalized their divorce yesterday. They were kind of my substitute parents when I moved away from home after high school to start college, both about 6 or 7 years older than I am, but always seemed far more wise than their age would dictate. I was there for the birth of their first child, spent many many hours at their house, and even sublet it from them when they moved to Denver for a couple years. A few months ago, the wife left for another guy. It wasn't sinister or anything. She wasn't sneaking around. But their relationship was clearly over. The husband had been pretty upbeat about it and going with the flow of the divorce... UNTIL TODAY. Maybe it was too soon, but the (ex) wife announced her new engagement today on Facebook and he FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT calling everyone who was congratulating her "false friends" and "inappropriate bitches".

Yeah, I concede that getting engaged the day after your divorce is final is probably a little selfish or, at the least, insensitive, but it was going to happen sooner or later.

My dilemma is that, while I still want to remain friends with the (ex) husband, it's going to be hard if he's going to be one of those guys who lashes out at people who are still friends with her as well.

How do I deal with this, ILX?

Tell him you still like him, but plan to remain friends with his ex, and that while you will do your best not to have the two spheres overlap they may, and if he freaks the fuck out on you then fuck him in the ear because you will not be disrespected.

You can't be friends w/him if he puts you in the middle this way and you might as well tell him.

That is pretty tactless though, announcing that via FB the day after a divorce is finalized.

Hope he'll eventually cool down, and if he doesn't you'll, sadly, probably have to take her or his side.

That is pretty tactless though, announcing that via FB the day after a divorce is finalized.

Yes, it is. And dude has a right to say so but not to make his friends draw lines in the sand over it. Just because he's close to the issuse doesn't mean their other common friends have to be unforgiving about such a gaffe.

Oh I agree with your advice and he reacted horribly, but, I'm sure it has to be difficult for him and I would hope that mutual friends might also be a little understanding of the tough mental space he's in. I'm sure he'll regret some of the things he said with time.

You can't be friends w/him if he puts you in the middle this way

Yeah, I've done all I can the past few months to stay OUT of the middle of this. I most definitely don't want to be dragged in now that they're officially not married anymore.

If I were friendly with both of them I might congratulate her privately but I'd have a lot of trouble publicly oohing and ahhing and "liking this" on Facebook tbh. It would be insensitive.

My dilemma is that, while I still want to remain friends with the (ex) husband, it's going to be hard if he's going to be one of those guys who lashes out at people who are still friends with her as well.

Ugh, Ive been lashing out at a couple of my friends recently because theyve befriended my ex's new lady, really fast - without apology - and its hard because he hooked up with her 2 days after saying we should break up. Nothing like a divorce, and I'm now just keeping it to myself, but I can understand the reaction. Its been impossibly hard to keep the bitterness and anger to myself. I dont know how it must be for long term marriage bustups.

facebook ay?

how not to move on...

what about people who probably SHOULD get a divorce, but don't? I know a few folks who fall into that camp.

this brings up the whole, "Why get married in the first place?" question.

love.

fear of eternal loneliness & having no one except for ilx posters to "talk" to for the rest of your life

marriage is not a guarantee of being loved and having someone for eternity

you're right, it's not a guarantee.

Tax breaks.

I kid.

I was engaged once. I'm pretty sure if we'd gone through it, we'd have been divorced in three months. I'm not in a rush.

It's totally for some people, though, and I'd never begrudge them the opportunity (even those who announce they're engaged the day following their divorce, no matter how shitty that is to the ex). I wish he would've been using to the separation to work out his issues and I wish she would've waited to announce TO THE WORLD (i.e. all the mutual friends, him, their children) that she's already engaged.

I was engaged once as well, mainly due to immigration reasons (partner was canadian and gonna move to Aus). That ended, and I am also thankful, cos it really wasn't the right thing to do at all.

The Importance of Hating Your Ex

i can see where he's coming from, but yeah tbh fuck taking 'sides'

People who boast about their engagement on FB are just sort of ridiculous anyway. It's like sending all your friends cards telling them you're engaged. WHich some people do. "Jamie and Maria are engaged" with some gold cursive script and a photo of the lovebirds inside. Or possible a little more "craftsy" if the couple has Pixies listening in their past. What is the point of this shit? If I'm really your friend, you're going to tell me about it anyway. If I'm not really your friend, why am I getting this card about your intention to bone one person exclusively for the rest of your life? Doing this on FB is even less personal, and I really wonder about the motivation behind it.

when your parents start dropping the divorce word (when you yourself are in your thirties): still saddens you. but they won't (i hope). still, it's rather earth shattering. kinda fucking weird, cause you're an adult and you should be able to shrug it off, right?

I don't think you could ever casually shrug off something like that...are they already separated?

Nath, I hope this comes across in an understanding way, but does this put your mother's attitudes and advice about your own marriage into a different light? That, for me, would be the weirdest part.

my parent's looong disaster of a marriage certainly informed my approach to it (ie no fucking way, ever, thanks)

What darraghmac said.

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

Guys you realize you wouldn't be marrying your parents?

O RLY?

Joint Simplified Dissolution of Marriage, looks like minimum 6 months separation

oh for fuck's sake, my friend will say

but thank you harbl, very appreciated

divorce laws and procedures in the U.S. are VERY different depending on which state you live in

looks like the 6 months separation in IL can be used as proof of "irreconcilable differences", but it's not mandatory.

The only grounds for divorce recognized in Illinois is irreconcilable differences, which some people call no fault divorce. Illinois law defines irreconcilable differences as the “irretrievable breakdown” of a marriage. In such a case, the spouses are required to prove to the judge’s satisfaction that there is a breakdown in the marriage, that all efforts at reconciliation have failed, and that future attempts to reconcile would not be “in thebest interests of the family.”

Irreconcilable differences can be proven by showing that the parties have lived separately for at least six continuous months prior to the divorce action.

god, i hope they don't appoint incredibly nosey judges

judge: "have you tried listening to her? have you tried treating your anger as your friend?"

i'm not sure from that last sentence if you're correct in your interpretation. the clerk or the form they give you will be able to tell you for sure. here when a year was the requirement (i believe it has changed now) you had to have a witness testify that they know you and know you were separated for a year.

i looked a bit more into it and came upon this: https://www.illinoisdivorce.com/grounds-for-divorce

these seem to be the salient parts. it looks like as long as both people are in agreement, it can go pretty quickly:

Illinois no longer recognizes "grounds" for divorce. There is only one option: "irreconcilable differences." Irreconcilable differences needs little definition. Technically, to be granted a divorce, one must prove:

irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage;

past efforts at reconciliation have failed, and

future efforts at reconciliation would be impracticable and not in the best interests of the family.

750 ILCS 5/401

The Six Month Separation Period: You can live together, file for divorce, finalize it the same day you file, and go back home and continue living together. The six month separation period is not a requirement -- it is an option. Living "separate and apart" for at least six months creates an irrebuttable presumption that irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

...

Skipping the Waiting Period: If you want to get divorced NOW and don't want to wait, that's easy enough. You need only prove the three elements laid out, above. It's simple if you both agree. You may use our Quick Online Divorce service and we'll give you a script to read to the judge at your hearing; or you may hire us to represent you in court. You'll answer 20 questions; every answer will be "yes;" ( "yes . . . yes . . . yes . . . yes"); and you'll walk out divorce. It takes about ten minutes.

divorce research typo hell #666: "you'll walk out divorce."

yeah i'm just probably being a paranoid lawyer and imagining a judge being like really skeptical and asking too many questions of people who don't wait but that's because i don't like judges and you will probably sail through with one who just wants to process 100 divorces today

but that's probably a good habit for a lawyer. :)

thanks harbl!

i think i may go full tim heidecker and represent myself in court. it will be the least expensive, quickest divorce in IL history because my partner and i are still pals and we both have a deep desire to not make this complicated at all

i'll be sure to make clear to the judge that i am going for a state record. judges LOVE that shit!

i promise it will be very mundane for the judge. they also won't let you go fast because there are questions they have to ask to make sure no one is being coerced and stuff.

i did something very similar to this (in tx)... all it took was filing the appropriate forms, get my spouse to sign off on them (we were in agreement about divorcing as simply as possible), then i went and represented myself in court. the judge asked me a few questions... just double checking about our division of assets and that we sure about divorcing. it cost me little more than a morning off work to get it done.

that's good to hear! i am still going to try to beat your record, though

Crazy that I posted to this thread 8 years ago.

i received a card in the mail, signed it in front of a notary, and that was it

I did my own divorce =|

It helps that I worked in a family law firm for a year before as a paralegal. Can’t say I recommend it though. It’s like digging the grave of your marriage by yourself.

I also fucked up some fine print that resulted in my divorce getting entered in February instead of the very last day in December which added an extra year of marriage for tax purposes.

I would also advise to take a deep breath, count back from 10, and maybe you'll feel all right.