why do i hate that artist thing that people keep posting on my facebook so much? why am i such a jerk?

I'm still waiting to feel old

That's nothing. Tom Cruise is now the age Wilford Brimley was in The Thing.

did you hear about harrison ford being older now than sean connery was 23 years ago when they did that movie together? fucked up.

did u hear gary oldman is two weeks younger than gary numan?!?! *mind blown*

did you hear that time is a bulldozer that destroys everything in its path and soon all will be as dust???! like this if ur an 80s kid!!!

lol

hahaha

Remember reading the bible when you were a kid? It's now nearly TWO THOUSAND YEARS OLD! Where did the time go!

did you hear that time is a bulldozer that destroys everything in its path and soon all will be as dust???! like this if ur an 80s kid!!!

― the bagel is the bagel (donna rouge), Wednesday, April 10, 2013 5:57 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

stole this for a tweet

The baby from Look Who's Talking now looks like Abe Vigoda

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/733934_10152735320355005_1224713429_n.jpg

According to a scientific study i pwn freely

"I can achieve orgasm by touching THIS spot on my temple while I share pictures on FB, real life can suck it.'

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/5461_10151584092210763_1802215373_n.jpg
Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

SHARE if you Believe in HIM

God: Meanwhile in the time it took to explain the world to your dumb ass, I totally let a whole bunch of drunk drivers hit ppl
Me: (like a stupid child) Shucks god
God: ...
God: There goes another one. Bam! Smash!
Me: (like a total puss) I see
God: A old lady's house just exploded BOOM

Share if you believe in GROUND FAULT INTERRUPTERS

totally gonna call you all & give false witness

Was gonna tempt you into sin with lies but God dropped my call... or it was Verizon. Can't be sure.

he can't afford to miss work but he's worried about his foot massager, maybe god's plan should involve subtle lessons in finance management

Letting death angels, drunk drivers, illnesses, and false witnessers all run around creating havoc, what kind of mickey mouse operation is this "god" running?

I'm really curious about the author of the "new foot massager" part. Why a new foot massager? It's such a random electrical appliance to use in this example. Why not something more universal like "I wanted to microwave two Lean Cuisines for dinner but the microwave was broken" or "I wanted to watch back to back King of Queens episodes but the TV wouldn't work" or "I wanted to masturbate furiously with my Hitatchi Magic Wand but it wouldn't turn on"?

Has this consumer safety announcement popped up yet?

PLEASE!!! Spare 2 minutes to read it out...Its Important.. !!!!

A few days ago, a person was recharging his mobile phone at home.

Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the charging Instrument still connected to the outlet.

After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the floor with a heavy thud. As you can see, the phone actually exploded.

His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers.

He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival.

Cell phones are a very useful modern invention.
However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death.

Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet! If you are charging the cell phone and a call comes in, unplug it from the charger and outlet.

SHARE THIS TO THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER IN YOUR LIFE!

As you can see, the phone actually exploded.

http://obrazekzapodaj.pl/img37684__jezyk_angielski__rzecz_nieprosta_

this is apparently very funny to a number of my polish facebook friends

the english language
it is not straight-forward

boom

those crazy fuckers gotta love em

oh yes i love to crazy fuck em

em?

eminem

so many unsuspecting cell phone users dying of burnt fingers

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=499927880056929&set=a.304799816236404.63367.200068713376182&type=1&theater

Much as I'm inclined to sympathise with the point, there, er, is actually still money being spent on those things d00d

Damn, img fuck up.

jeez d00d!

n00b got pwned

why do i hate that artist thing that people keep posting on my facebook so much? why am i such a jerk?

Re: crut's post of the Ethiopian kids who feel sorry for Americans sitting in chairs. here is the original photostream that pic was taken from:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mytripsmypics/3040096367/in/photostream/

Here is a cnn story about infanticide in that tribe.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/05/world/africa/mingi-ethiopia/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

dammmmmnnnnnnnnn

This is now the "post stuff found on Facebook" thread, yeah?

http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/45328_473355946070878_1463489592_n.jpg

no i don't believe it is

you want best animal friends

Fair enough...

posted with a comment about how this is "super powerful stuff"

MARRIED OR NOT, YOU SHOULD READ THIS...

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It's never too late.

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ♥

Thank you for reading: LIKE & SHARE

creeeeeeeeeeepy

can't help but think there's something v. sick and broken at the heart of a lot of our fantasies

I like how these kind of "inspirational" screeds always read like they have been poorly translated from another language.

much like that sentence in fact

they read like they were copied down from something written in feces on a serial killer's prison cell wall

loll

There's surely a country music tune that expresses this in fewer words.

(congratulates self on use of the word "Fewer" there)

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice.

what - the - HELL

CANCER

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

cool beans