Depression and what it's really like

thanks for asking, btw

You don't have to fix all that shit today.

maybe. some of it i have to get on really quick, though. i feel like my brain's been completely scrambled and i have no idea what way is up anymore, and the pain of dealing with the past and the present has crushed me. the tools i've been learning in therapy has revealed a far different reality than the one i've lived in my whole life, and it's FUCKING FREAKY. i don't know how to cope with it all, or deal with all this, and it just feels like the pressure of daily life is getting more and more intense while all this shit's going on, and i feel like everything's about to explode. or maybe it has already, i feel like hell right now.

can you afford a bit of time to take a break/get mind off things for a little while?

that's an option, this place doesn't observe a single holiday until may 29th, so a day off or few could help. i think i'm cracking the problem here ... talking this stuff out helps. thanks.

Yeah take a day off. Have patience with yourself, and be kind to yourself.

"self-love, self-care, and self-determination" is the pithy formula my friend came up with for describing the tenets of taking care of one's mental health issues, I really like it.

yeah, gotta give myself some of that self-love. which sounds kind-of seedy now that i think about it. oh well, i'm not going back to retype it. all this shit is really stressful, but what was blowing it up into epic proportions was patterns from childhood. those damn things again. it's funny how they work, it's like there's a play in your head and you just go through it again and again, and the emotions feel so real... but they honestly aren't, they belong to a specific time and place and to specific people. so yeah i'm feeling a little better figuring that out. i need to do something good for myself this weekend.

well, the emotions are real, they're just dead in time. the people and situations are just facsimiles come to life, but it all seems totally real. stupid brain.

but anyway, thanks silby, i always appreciate when you come 'round these parts. i'll have to keep your formula in mind next time i'm facing hard times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/magazine/do-millennials-stand-a-chance-in-the-real-world.html?pagewanted=all

I almost put this in the generation limbo thread, but, for me, it probably belongs here. I keep reading these articles about how I (a depressingly accurate representation of my generation) am completely fucked, and after the 500th one there isn't even any bitter laughter left. Especially when I read about generations resulting from other recessions never really recovering. I have all sorts of more cogent thoughts, but honestly my first, most overwhelming feeling is just the desire to throw a tantrum and scream "But I don't WANT to be a part of a lost generation! I want to get married, buy a house, have a child, and have some fucking health insurance!" Which, I understand, is kind of part of the problem (the tantrum part, I mean).

I guess I don't just want to complain about this in particular, but address how macro-level stuff affects depression and mental health in general. It can be hard, sometimes, to discern what's clear-eyed realism and what's depression-style pessimism. I've tried bringing this up with various therapists/counsellors, but they always feel it necessary to brush aside the geopolitical stuff and "focus on you." I find that kind of impossible? I don't know, how do you guys parse this stuff?

things are fucked up out there, and they have been for some time. just about everybody i know is in a miserable job or has been unemployed for very long periods of time. but it's hard to trust your own instincts about "the world outside" when you have depression that distorts things into seeming much worse than they are, forever

I've had a hard strange period at work just lately where my anger and sadness has become noticeably undeniable. I spoke to a boss about scheduling some vacation, and apologized to a (one of several) coworker for how negative I've been lately.

"You're doing a good job, if you need help, you just need to ask us."

didn't mean to hit enter just there.

My point is, I'm fighting back tears and saying "No, I understand, times are tough right now, I'm trying hard and so is everybody else, I'm just having trouble with my emotions. I understand don't worry about me or my performance."

Telling my friends "I've been a butt lately, I'm sorry. you don't deserve that. Physical and emotional and real life sent me in a spiral, and I didn't even realize it until it was happening"

I don't want to admit weakness, because that is weak. Expressing that I'm having feelings and dealing with them poorly, because that is part of my history, and everybody's job is in jeopardy, and I'm working so hard, and I'm starting to lose it, and it's my problem, but other situations have a role, and I just need a moment, or a couple of days, I'm feeling sad because I had hopes and maybe they aren't working out, but that's just how it goes, my fault for wanting things, sorry, I'm bitter, don't mind me, I really can't tell the difference right now.

this crap is hard.

"You're doing a good job, if you need help, you just need to ask us."

Youre lucky that you have that offer of support from work though, thats good! When I was in a state so stressed out recently I was being an ass at work and not realising it, I got pulled aside and dragged over the coals for it. I was actually told to "grow the fuck up" by my boss.

I was stung but chose to turn the hurt anger into determination to be better, cos I think I did need a kick up the bum. Just not so hard!

I feel so much for you in the US, things have gone to shit so bad there compared to whats happening here, I sometimes feel a little guilty about how well we've endured the GFC (not that you'd know it the way everyone whinges).

Thanks Trayce. I kind of just had an actual sobbing cry. I do think I will survive this period. Realizing or admitting "Depression"

no matter how many times I've been here, there is something honest about the moment of recognition. After all these years, "Oh yeah, i'm depressed."

When I post in this thread, I'm trying to relate and respond to the other ilxors up in here. Not good at linear communication at these moments.

Black Flag did a song about depression.

One more thing. I have had to really work at convincing my self that any show of support or acknowledgement from my management or co-workers wasn't an insult or threat. monkey brain.

Everybody give yourself a break from yourself today.

Hear hear. And *hugs* to all of you.

Hu

OMG OMG OMG

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/253806/white-castle-thanksgiving-kathryn-jean-lopez

i'm just wondering, are there all that many decent people out there? what i see is that people will use you, manipulate you, and treat you like a piece of shit if given the chance. there's this guy at work, he clearly suffers from depression, denigrates himself all the time, and the people at my job make fun of him and treat him like a piece of human garbage. the poor guy takes it, but like, wtf is wrong with people? i want to help the dude, but i can't really do that in my relationship w/ him.

but seriously. all i see is people being miserable or totally fake with each other. yet, everyone expects you to pretend to be nice. it's all for show. yet if you act honestly and tear down the curtain people get upset with you! it's like people want to live in this illusion that they're good people, yet if given half the chance they'll be a rotten motherfucker to anyone who gives them the chance.

you can't say "yeah, I know you don't give a fuck about me, and you'd stab me in the back if it came down to it." no, we have to grin with the widest friggin smiles possible when it's all complete crap. yeah, i'm probably stuck somewhere in adolescence still. i can't stand it, though. ughhhhh.

ok, maybe the people at my job just suck.

i want to help the dude, but i can't really do that in my relationship w/ him.

Sorry for being nosey, but why not? I'm sure you've already thought of this but can't you take him to one side and have a chat with him?

full disclosure, i was a little drunk last night.

i wouldn't really know how to help him and i'm not totally strong enough to really be all that helpful I feel like. i narrowly escaped being bullied at work, the main perpetrator targeted me when I first started, but thanks to the work I've been doing I was able to avoid it for the first time in my life. i try to be nice to the guy, like he'll make coffee in the morning and say "sorry if it sucks" and I tell him it's fine and he'll be like "yeah, you're right."

i was thinking of giving him a copy of feeling good or something, but I don't want to be some weird evangelical about it, and it might be offensive to be like "you don't know me that well, but here's a book that implies you're depressed. enjoy!" tbh, this is making me realize the only way people can help me in my state is to just be decent with me.

and now that I think about it a lot of people are. i need to start reading the book myself.

i wouldn't really know how to help him and i'm not totally strong enough to really be all that helpful I feel like

Apart from thanking him for the coffee, do you talk to him much? Is there trust between you that would enable him to feel comfortable enough to open up?

i don't talk to anyone all that much, honestly. i'm still in the thick of my own recovery ... like last week i realized i can make my own decisions. so i don't know what else i could do but be decent w/ him whenever i do interact w/ him.

that sounds fine to me. the little nice everyday things are good imo; let the guy open up if he wants to

xp. Sorry, wasn't having a go at you - just wondering what your relationship with him is like. I'm sure he recognises that you're on his side just by your friendly comments to him, and hopefully that's some comfort to him. Could you mention it to your manager and ask them to keep an eye on things?

Hope you don't find this patronising, but I understand how big a deal it can be to realise you can make decisions for yourself, so that's great to hear.

I'm not sure I could talk to anyone about it. I mean, everyone hears it every day, and the work culture is pretty weird. My supervisor sexually harassed me when I first started working there ... I was feeling really broken down and vulnerable and I feel like she took advantage of that; she's got a lot of her own issues, obviously. This is a Fortune 300 corporation I work for but it's probably one of the least professional environments I've been in, and not in any sort-of fun way. I'm also bristly and agitated from dealing with recovery, past issues, ptsd, all that jazz, so I can't imagine I've endeared myself to the team all that well.

Even if I were completely well I wouldn't fit in at all there, so I don't have much say in anything. Honestly, I'm just going to be decent, work, go home, and find a new job.

and really, it's up to him to do something about it.

Don't underestimate the impact of small kindnesses.

Depression isn't an addiction, but some AA type concepts can still apply. (i don't even like 12 steps and all that). One of the things they talk about is in the beginning work your own program. I've been around people who were all ready to do the last step, "Go save other people or something." before they were even used to being sober.

The analogy is that having empathy and showing support is necessary and human, but your aren't qualified to do more than that yet, and you aren't obligated either. Group environments have been were I've helped and been helped the most, but those were guided and safe. Get out of the woods yourself first. Especially at work.

tldr

Step 1 - Oh Shit
Step 2 - Get healthy
Step 3 through 11 - ?
Step 12 - Go save other people or something

yeah, that's feeling i've been getting. i need to start focusing on CBT type stuff now, I think I've done all I can with reclaiming emotions and memories, and the CBT aspect is where the real change seems to lie. one of the hardest things for me right now is understanding what my value is. my complete obliviousness to it is having pretty serious negative consequences, not just on my enjoyment of life, but in my relationships and professional life, too.

Therapy is going reasonably well (after a month of strenuous work I'm...slightly better at making eye contact. Um, yay) and more importantly I'm quitting my job to go back to school. I have no idea how I'm going to afford it past the first year, I have no illusions about actually getting anything even remotely resembling a traditional college experience, but fuck it, one more year at that place and I would have ended up killing myself anyway. Even if I end up in Debtor's Gaol with half a worthless arts degree I'll still be happier than I am now.

excellent news, telephone thing. it's small steps like that which are the most important... even if they seem trivial, that shit adds up. but there's always a roadblock from there ... but within that lies yet the next step!

good news on the depresso front here. apparently i'm going to get a great performance review at work, and i'm feeling feelings i've never felt before. good shit. next step is emotionally severing myself from my family. i always had a hint of having to do that, and my therapist suggested it independently one day. i found a book which tackles this issue (Leaving Home if anyone's interested), and this is going to be uhhh... difficult, to put it lightly. family is sacred! how could you not love your mother and father you ungrateful bastard, etc. but if it's what I have to do, then I have to go there.

fwiw Spectrum, in your wdyll, you looked like a very much alive and happy person. Keep working.

How's everybody else doin'?

Thanks Silby, I'm getting there ... still have a while to go, though.

Here's the book I was talking about: www.amzn.com/0231134770. It's the first book I've come across that specifically deals with being neglected/abandoned in your childhood and my lord is it OTM with everything. I'm only halfway through but it really hits home with everything ... it's like a shot of steroids in this process. So if you've had to deal w/ that shit it's a pretty good read. I'm posting it here because I've never come across it mentioned anywhere; I only found it after my therapist suggested I emotionally separate from my family and found it through searching that term.

what do you guys think about positive affirmations? ever try them, helpful at all?

i haven't really done that as an enforced ongoing habit, Stuart Smalley-style, but i don't think it's bad to force yourself to think "good" thoughts every so often, at the very least to counter the "bad" ones automatically conjured by depression - it helps me a little bit, sometimes

i see the value in that, understanding the positive reality that's out there. my therapist is encouraging me not to focus on the past and instead focus on positive affirmations, which i'm not really down with. i feel like i need to understand what the hell is going on first before i can find the positive angle. just doing affirmations w/o any context doesn't seem helpful to me. i'm going to try the positive thinking stuff my own way, i do see how it can be helpful. i'm getting a The Secret vibe from the way she's presenting it, though.

I've been able to talk myself out of anxiety, which seems like a similar principle. I never ever talk to myself (find it weird that people do, honestly) but decided to try it in the car one day when my anxiety was particularly bad. It was kind of like putting voice to the logical part of my brain, the part telling me that the anxiety was a false trigger and that I didn't need to feel anxious, and it made it easier to believe. Don't know if that's exactly the same thing, but it was helpful. It's good to try a lot of techniques and see what works for you.

this seems really minor and dumb, but you know what's been really helpful to build a sense of accomplishment for myself?

moving shit from my various to-do lists to a "completed" list. at the end of the day i wind up with a pretty substantial group of time-intensive shit that i don't have to worry about anymore. it makes me feel like i'm really moving on things.

it's a kind of positive self talk, is what i mean.

positive self-talk and all its variants otm

i think i'll suspend disbelief and give it a shot. i just have it stereotyped as me saying "i am super duper" over and over in my head.

and the lady my therapist wants me to check out is the same one who said AIDS patients could cure themselves with positive thinking. ?!?@?#$%)

oh yeah you were talking about this upthread a while ago

"I am loveable because I exist." I think I need a little more than that. Maybe this stuff works for other people, but not sure it suits my personality. My therapists' office is in some yoga place where they have crystal healing seminars, so perhaps this is all starting to fit together.