Depression and what it's really like

harbl perfectly correct in the guise of grammar fiend, but verifiably incorrect in second assertion of first post in most recent series of posts.

I should probably change that display name, it doesn't exactly help. I used to post off and on, more on ILM than anywhere, now pretty much lurk. Just had total meltdown in matters of the heart followed by a real threat to my financial stability. Trying the right things: not turning to alcohol, eat well, exercise, etc. But I am stuck in a cold room with no windows or doors. Alone is an understatement. Frozen and quite honestly terrified.

i feel like shit and i am a shitty person

OBJECTION

Lostandfound can you elaborate on your cold room's lack of windows and doors? Are you literally trapped in a featureless prison somewhere? If so should we send help?

yeah, geez, i was going to say it's probably not helping if you're living in a real-life metaphor for depression

Yeah, just a metaphor. I can't find a way to adequately describe it. It's constricting and it's literally difficult to breathe and there is little light. Sorry, I don't mean to make it sound all dramatic, I was genuinely trying to describe it.

I have felt that sensation of it being literally difficult through breathe because of depression. I'm really sorry you're going through that. I don't have much to add, but hold on to that light that is there, and do the best you can to take care of yourself.

Yes, and thanks. Actually, you make a good point: there's at least a little light. It's not pitch black.

I don't know. For some reason, this feels so awful that I'm feeling the need to say it "out loud," make it known outside of my own head.

cripes i hate when co-workers talk about vacations and fun times with their families. i guess i'm coming to the positive conclusion that the only person i really have in my life is myself, and that's not really a bad thing i guess. suppose it does take more strength for me to survive and live life than most of my peers, because i sure as hell doubt they know what it feels like to realize you're completely dead alone in the world. like, for real dead alone, not depression alone.

the only person i really have in my life is myself

That's a starting place at least.

yeah. it's a totally maddening feeling, though, i understand why i went nuts as a kid. maybe i shouldn't think about it, it's kinda like thinking about your own death.

don't people don't think about their own death every day

Some people opt for a once a week in the middle of the night schedule for thinking about their own death.

those lucky bastards

goddamn i hope things get better soon. not only do i have to deal with all this shit, i need to bump my career up another level. thanks to my ginormous student loans, even a decent job isn't enough money to survive... if my shitty, 16 year old car gives out, i am FUCKED. i really hope it doesn't come to killing myself. :[]

Hey man, back off the cliff. What's up?

Ehhh, things are just really overwhelming right now. Therapy's taking a huge emotional toll on me, my whole friggin reality is totally upended and I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. work's stressful and demanding, financially I'm in a hole right now I can only get out of by working even more and at a higher level (and that's an untrodden path), there's so much shit I need to take care of that i've neglected in my life, and I really am pretty much alone here, i have zero emotional support in my life. the people i do reach out to only have like, one conversation in 'em, and i can't blame them, they have their own crosses to bear in life. my therapist is great with the cognitive stuff, but gets a score of 5 out of 100 when it comes to dealing with emotions. so it's like UURGHHHH!!!!! and i'm having a hard time seeing my way out right now.

thanks for asking, btw

You don't have to fix all that shit today.

maybe. some of it i have to get on really quick, though. i feel like my brain's been completely scrambled and i have no idea what way is up anymore, and the pain of dealing with the past and the present has crushed me. the tools i've been learning in therapy has revealed a far different reality than the one i've lived in my whole life, and it's FUCKING FREAKY. i don't know how to cope with it all, or deal with all this, and it just feels like the pressure of daily life is getting more and more intense while all this shit's going on, and i feel like everything's about to explode. or maybe it has already, i feel like hell right now.

can you afford a bit of time to take a break/get mind off things for a little while?

that's an option, this place doesn't observe a single holiday until may 29th, so a day off or few could help. i think i'm cracking the problem here ... talking this stuff out helps. thanks.

Yeah take a day off. Have patience with yourself, and be kind to yourself.

"self-love, self-care, and self-determination" is the pithy formula my friend came up with for describing the tenets of taking care of one's mental health issues, I really like it.

yeah, gotta give myself some of that self-love. which sounds kind-of seedy now that i think about it. oh well, i'm not going back to retype it. all this shit is really stressful, but what was blowing it up into epic proportions was patterns from childhood. those damn things again. it's funny how they work, it's like there's a play in your head and you just go through it again and again, and the emotions feel so real... but they honestly aren't, they belong to a specific time and place and to specific people. so yeah i'm feeling a little better figuring that out. i need to do something good for myself this weekend.

well, the emotions are real, they're just dead in time. the people and situations are just facsimiles come to life, but it all seems totally real. stupid brain.

but anyway, thanks silby, i always appreciate when you come 'round these parts. i'll have to keep your formula in mind next time i'm facing hard times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/magazine/do-millennials-stand-a-chance-in-the-real-world.html?pagewanted=all

I almost put this in the generation limbo thread, but, for me, it probably belongs here. I keep reading these articles about how I (a depressingly accurate representation of my generation) am completely fucked, and after the 500th one there isn't even any bitter laughter left. Especially when I read about generations resulting from other recessions never really recovering. I have all sorts of more cogent thoughts, but honestly my first, most overwhelming feeling is just the desire to throw a tantrum and scream "But I don't WANT to be a part of a lost generation! I want to get married, buy a house, have a child, and have some fucking health insurance!" Which, I understand, is kind of part of the problem (the tantrum part, I mean).

I guess I don't just want to complain about this in particular, but address how macro-level stuff affects depression and mental health in general. It can be hard, sometimes, to discern what's clear-eyed realism and what's depression-style pessimism. I've tried bringing this up with various therapists/counsellors, but they always feel it necessary to brush aside the geopolitical stuff and "focus on you." I find that kind of impossible? I don't know, how do you guys parse this stuff?

things are fucked up out there, and they have been for some time. just about everybody i know is in a miserable job or has been unemployed for very long periods of time. but it's hard to trust your own instincts about "the world outside" when you have depression that distorts things into seeming much worse than they are, forever

I've had a hard strange period at work just lately where my anger and sadness has become noticeably undeniable. I spoke to a boss about scheduling some vacation, and apologized to a (one of several) coworker for how negative I've been lately.

"You're doing a good job, if you need help, you just need to ask us."

didn't mean to hit enter just there.

My point is, I'm fighting back tears and saying "No, I understand, times are tough right now, I'm trying hard and so is everybody else, I'm just having trouble with my emotions. I understand don't worry about me or my performance."

Telling my friends "I've been a butt lately, I'm sorry. you don't deserve that. Physical and emotional and real life sent me in a spiral, and I didn't even realize it until it was happening"

I don't want to admit weakness, because that is weak. Expressing that I'm having feelings and dealing with them poorly, because that is part of my history, and everybody's job is in jeopardy, and I'm working so hard, and I'm starting to lose it, and it's my problem, but other situations have a role, and I just need a moment, or a couple of days, I'm feeling sad because I had hopes and maybe they aren't working out, but that's just how it goes, my fault for wanting things, sorry, I'm bitter, don't mind me, I really can't tell the difference right now.

this crap is hard.

"You're doing a good job, if you need help, you just need to ask us."

Youre lucky that you have that offer of support from work though, thats good! When I was in a state so stressed out recently I was being an ass at work and not realising it, I got pulled aside and dragged over the coals for it. I was actually told to "grow the fuck up" by my boss.

I was stung but chose to turn the hurt anger into determination to be better, cos I think I did need a kick up the bum. Just not so hard!

I feel so much for you in the US, things have gone to shit so bad there compared to whats happening here, I sometimes feel a little guilty about how well we've endured the GFC (not that you'd know it the way everyone whinges).

Thanks Trayce. I kind of just had an actual sobbing cry. I do think I will survive this period. Realizing or admitting "Depression"

no matter how many times I've been here, there is something honest about the moment of recognition. After all these years, "Oh yeah, i'm depressed."

When I post in this thread, I'm trying to relate and respond to the other ilxors up in here. Not good at linear communication at these moments.

Black Flag did a song about depression.

One more thing. I have had to really work at convincing my self that any show of support or acknowledgement from my management or co-workers wasn't an insult or threat. monkey brain.

Everybody give yourself a break from yourself today.

Hear hear. And *hugs* to all of you.

Hu

OMG OMG OMG

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/253806/white-castle-thanksgiving-kathryn-jean-lopez

i'm just wondering, are there all that many decent people out there? what i see is that people will use you, manipulate you, and treat you like a piece of shit if given the chance. there's this guy at work, he clearly suffers from depression, denigrates himself all the time, and the people at my job make fun of him and treat him like a piece of human garbage. the poor guy takes it, but like, wtf is wrong with people? i want to help the dude, but i can't really do that in my relationship w/ him.

but seriously. all i see is people being miserable or totally fake with each other. yet, everyone expects you to pretend to be nice. it's all for show. yet if you act honestly and tear down the curtain people get upset with you! it's like people want to live in this illusion that they're good people, yet if given half the chance they'll be a rotten motherfucker to anyone who gives them the chance.

you can't say "yeah, I know you don't give a fuck about me, and you'd stab me in the back if it came down to it." no, we have to grin with the widest friggin smiles possible when it's all complete crap. yeah, i'm probably stuck somewhere in adolescence still. i can't stand it, though. ughhhhh.

ok, maybe the people at my job just suck.

i want to help the dude, but i can't really do that in my relationship w/ him.

Sorry for being nosey, but why not? I'm sure you've already thought of this but can't you take him to one side and have a chat with him?

full disclosure, i was a little drunk last night.

i wouldn't really know how to help him and i'm not totally strong enough to really be all that helpful I feel like. i narrowly escaped being bullied at work, the main perpetrator targeted me when I first started, but thanks to the work I've been doing I was able to avoid it for the first time in my life. i try to be nice to the guy, like he'll make coffee in the morning and say "sorry if it sucks" and I tell him it's fine and he'll be like "yeah, you're right."

i was thinking of giving him a copy of feeling good or something, but I don't want to be some weird evangelical about it, and it might be offensive to be like "you don't know me that well, but here's a book that implies you're depressed. enjoy!" tbh, this is making me realize the only way people can help me in my state is to just be decent with me.

and now that I think about it a lot of people are. i need to start reading the book myself.

i wouldn't really know how to help him and i'm not totally strong enough to really be all that helpful I feel like

Apart from thanking him for the coffee, do you talk to him much? Is there trust between you that would enable him to feel comfortable enough to open up?

i don't talk to anyone all that much, honestly. i'm still in the thick of my own recovery ... like last week i realized i can make my own decisions. so i don't know what else i could do but be decent w/ him whenever i do interact w/ him.

that sounds fine to me. the little nice everyday things are good imo; let the guy open up if he wants to

xp. Sorry, wasn't having a go at you - just wondering what your relationship with him is like. I'm sure he recognises that you're on his side just by your friendly comments to him, and hopefully that's some comfort to him. Could you mention it to your manager and ask them to keep an eye on things?

Hope you don't find this patronising, but I understand how big a deal it can be to realise you can make decisions for yourself, so that's great to hear.

I'm not sure I could talk to anyone about it. I mean, everyone hears it every day, and the work culture is pretty weird. My supervisor sexually harassed me when I first started working there ... I was feeling really broken down and vulnerable and I feel like she took advantage of that; she's got a lot of her own issues, obviously. This is a Fortune 300 corporation I work for but it's probably one of the least professional environments I've been in, and not in any sort-of fun way. I'm also bristly and agitated from dealing with recovery, past issues, ptsd, all that jazz, so I can't imagine I've endeared myself to the team all that well.

Even if I were completely well I wouldn't fit in at all there, so I don't have much say in anything. Honestly, I'm just going to be decent, work, go home, and find a new job.

and really, it's up to him to do something about it.