Let's Win the New Yorker Caption Contest

"I think we will be able to attract top talent with our open floor plans, flex time scheduling, child care, telecommuting options, and casual dress code."

"Get mad you son-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to sell real-estate?"

"I think we can all agree THAT didn't work."

"Clothing is for closers."

clothers

"...profit!"

"Lyndon Johnson taught me a lot about getting the most out of employees."

"We've had reports of some of you bringing in concealed weapons."

3 finallists from the "clockwork" pic:

"Backstabbing was already prevalent—we just added a twist."
"Be careful not to overwind—it can cost us overtime."
"And Bob, here, came to us from a jewelry box."

and this weeks pic:

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2013/04/01/p465/130401_contest_p465.jpg

"Don't order the fish."

"you bastards"

"I recommend the pizza, they have a killer oven here"

excuse the cloud-yelling but boy o boy those winning captions are garbage

yeah the backstabbing one is pure head-in hands

not that i can talk...

"This great chef, his career tragically cut short by sous-icide"

"in life, chef sought to put a piece of himself into every dish that left his kitchen. in death, at last, he has realized that ambition"

Thomas C Leonard worthy

We would like to again apologise for the spoiled broth, but we believe we've solved the problem once and for all

bit of turd polishing:

"After the service you'll all have a chance to sample pizza from the bone-fired oven."

"For once it isn't just the food that smells funny."

"don't know why you're all so sad, you didn't have to shell out for an extra large coffin to fit his stupid hat"

"He died from the condition I also have, Bechdel mouth disease. In a show of respect, tonight's supper has been slurried."

wtf alan whicker btw

"OK, We're drawing the Meat Raffle now"

"To whoever it was who complained about the Brussel Sprouts, those weren't sprouts."

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called... lunch. Electric word, lunch, it means half an hour and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell ya, there's something else... dessert. A place where confectionery happens. You can always see the chocolate soufflé, day... or night. So when you call up that restaurant in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Doctor Everything-You-Can-Eat-For-A-Tenner, instead of asking them how much cake they have left, ask them how much wine. Because in this place, things are much harder for the dessert connoisseur. In this place, there's only pre-made fruit pies. So when the wine waiter tries to bring you down, go crazy... PUNCH THE MAITRE'D!"

“Nobody is leaving here until I find out who added the Hitler moustache to Chef’s corpse."

co-worker: Dead chef in the dining room.
ILXor: Yeah, I'd like to suck on some of that!
co-worker: o_O

<ILXor goes to dining room, sees it's a dead chef not some suckable foodstuff whose name sounds a bit like 'dead chef'>

ILXor: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This new season of Iron Chef really did raise the stakes."

"And now, in accordance with his last wishes, Phillipe is served."

"Thank you for coming to our dinner theater's production of 'The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.'"

nice -- i wanted to do a dinner theater gag but couldn't come up with the right play.

"Henceforth, our hollandaise will be a little darker..."

"He died doing what he loved: snorting coke and terrorizing line cooks."

“I have to admit it’s unusual for you all to have flies in your soup.”

"I'd like to welcome you all to our first celebrity chef roast."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Dennis is served."

"The backstroke."

"He died peacefully, in a rich beurre-blanc sauce with roasted new potatoes and haricot vert"

Yes

those of you who have your heads bowed in prayer shall find your eternal reward in heaven, those of you looking up at me are damned to eternity in hellfire

this comic sucks. nothing to work with here.

(the excuse of a coward)

sthg punny about a magician sawing him in half, the pain, the irony at stake as they are about to saw into their steaks but i am not punny/funny clearly this is the wrong thread for me lalala

"In conclusion, we can't recommend the soup."

enjoy the fugu.

"a fitting tribute to a man who in life hated cooking but loved irony"

"the cremation will take place this afternoon, 450 degrees for 25 minutes"

"I'd like to welcome you all to our wake and bake."

"So much for our daily bread"