Depression and what it's really like

Personally, I don't get down from barstools.

Sorry, Ian. I don't have a degree either and yes, it seems to feel extra scary when you don't have one and find yourself unemployed. If it is any consolation, I managed to find jobs eventually. Have had quite few interesting, long lasting gigs in my lifetime. I had a secure job at the University of Texas library, libraries have always saved me. Not sure if they still will, but will find out soon as I enter the job market again. But you do have experience, you do have skills, you have smarts and you will find a job. Hang in there, on your side.

if you don't mind my asking, how are things for you, tera?

lots of xposts and orbit pretty much has said all that was urgent + key but just to tack on:

ian definitely don't let yourself undermine your wife's confidence in you. if she says she's not worried then allow that to buoy you and move you forward. It's easier said than done, but the less you let your worry shape ordinary things into crazy monsters that keep you awake, the better equipped you will be to face what needs to be done. We all do that from time to time (ie worry), but don't allow it to make you deaf/blind to the support you need, and it seems you already have, to get through this rough time

I hurt. Thank you for asking. I just hurt, find out more, hurt some more.

(hugs)

hang in there, sister.

Thank you and hugs back...

hugs for all.

group hug yes :)

ugh, had a weird session with my therapist this week. i was in rough shape that session, completely overwhelmed and exhausted with pain... i had basically gotten to the deepest level of my trauma, which is great and everything but it's still no fun. i tried sharing this with her, but didn't seem like she was listening or reacting at all emotionally to me. she responded by pounding me with analysis when i just wanted someone to listen to me. the whole thing seemed to make her feel really uncomfortable and stand-offish. i apologized and said i was a little frazzled that day, and she mumbled out of the side of her mouth "you're more than a little frazzled". i mean, she said some helpful things for me to think about, but in that moment things were just so monstrously painful i couldn't even listen to her.

so i don't know, i'm not sure she's the safest person for me to explore my pain with, or maybe i'm expecting too much.

she's the best you've got. she was not at the top of her game. tell her your perspective about what happened. she'll realize she needs to change up. none of this stuff goes perfectly, so you just need to keep adjusting whenever you flounder. the main thing is to keep your head above water long enough to get to where your feet can touch bottom.

that's true. i take it back, i'm sort-of glad she didn't engage with me more emotionally, probably would've made me more dependent on her. i need to start standing on my own two feet more, i've learned and experienced enough to be able to do it.

slept from 3am to 9pm on saturday

it's all i want to do tbh

i was happiest when i refrained from morphine gel caps, alcohol, cocaine, percocets and vicodins but then i realized without drugs i would have no personality and be really really sad and shit.

my distorted thinking tells me that without depression i would have no personality.

wrong-o. For example: when I came back to school after my first summer on pills I had friends tell me that it was nice to see me acting like a human, and that I had been pretty robotic the year before, which was news to me.

It is important to accept that depression isn't you. It is a part of you and shapes you but it is not essential to you. You have a mind, personality, creative spirit, etc. totally independent of it. (This is why for me personally naming depression as a disease was helpful; it allowed me to stop thinking of my depressive behavior as something that was essential to me or that I was stuck with.)

yes. when one identifies with depression for so long it can be hard to see this. it's a challenge for me to imagine myself any other way.

word

i feel like shit and i am a shitty person

the first doesn't imply the second

it's a conjunction not a conditional statement

harbl perfectly correct in the guise of grammar fiend, but verifiably incorrect in second assertion of first post in most recent series of posts.

I should probably change that display name, it doesn't exactly help. I used to post off and on, more on ILM than anywhere, now pretty much lurk. Just had total meltdown in matters of the heart followed by a real threat to my financial stability. Trying the right things: not turning to alcohol, eat well, exercise, etc. But I am stuck in a cold room with no windows or doors. Alone is an understatement. Frozen and quite honestly terrified.

i feel like shit and i am a shitty person

OBJECTION

Lostandfound can you elaborate on your cold room's lack of windows and doors? Are you literally trapped in a featureless prison somewhere? If so should we send help?

yeah, geez, i was going to say it's probably not helping if you're living in a real-life metaphor for depression

Yeah, just a metaphor. I can't find a way to adequately describe it. It's constricting and it's literally difficult to breathe and there is little light. Sorry, I don't mean to make it sound all dramatic, I was genuinely trying to describe it.

I have felt that sensation of it being literally difficult through breathe because of depression. I'm really sorry you're going through that. I don't have much to add, but hold on to that light that is there, and do the best you can to take care of yourself.

Yes, and thanks. Actually, you make a good point: there's at least a little light. It's not pitch black.

I don't know. For some reason, this feels so awful that I'm feeling the need to say it "out loud," make it known outside of my own head.

cripes i hate when co-workers talk about vacations and fun times with their families. i guess i'm coming to the positive conclusion that the only person i really have in my life is myself, and that's not really a bad thing i guess. suppose it does take more strength for me to survive and live life than most of my peers, because i sure as hell doubt they know what it feels like to realize you're completely dead alone in the world. like, for real dead alone, not depression alone.

the only person i really have in my life is myself

That's a starting place at least.

yeah. it's a totally maddening feeling, though, i understand why i went nuts as a kid. maybe i shouldn't think about it, it's kinda like thinking about your own death.

don't people don't think about their own death every day

Some people opt for a once a week in the middle of the night schedule for thinking about their own death.

those lucky bastards

goddamn i hope things get better soon. not only do i have to deal with all this shit, i need to bump my career up another level. thanks to my ginormous student loans, even a decent job isn't enough money to survive... if my shitty, 16 year old car gives out, i am FUCKED. i really hope it doesn't come to killing myself. :[]

Hey man, back off the cliff. What's up?

Ehhh, things are just really overwhelming right now. Therapy's taking a huge emotional toll on me, my whole friggin reality is totally upended and I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. work's stressful and demanding, financially I'm in a hole right now I can only get out of by working even more and at a higher level (and that's an untrodden path), there's so much shit I need to take care of that i've neglected in my life, and I really am pretty much alone here, i have zero emotional support in my life. the people i do reach out to only have like, one conversation in 'em, and i can't blame them, they have their own crosses to bear in life. my therapist is great with the cognitive stuff, but gets a score of 5 out of 100 when it comes to dealing with emotions. so it's like UURGHHHH!!!!! and i'm having a hard time seeing my way out right now.

thanks for asking, btw

You don't have to fix all that shit today.

maybe. some of it i have to get on really quick, though. i feel like my brain's been completely scrambled and i have no idea what way is up anymore, and the pain of dealing with the past and the present has crushed me. the tools i've been learning in therapy has revealed a far different reality than the one i've lived in my whole life, and it's FUCKING FREAKY. i don't know how to cope with it all, or deal with all this, and it just feels like the pressure of daily life is getting more and more intense while all this shit's going on, and i feel like everything's about to explode. or maybe it has already, i feel like hell right now.

can you afford a bit of time to take a break/get mind off things for a little while?

that's an option, this place doesn't observe a single holiday until may 29th, so a day off or few could help. i think i'm cracking the problem here ... talking this stuff out helps. thanks.

Yeah take a day off. Have patience with yourself, and be kind to yourself.

"self-love, self-care, and self-determination" is the pithy formula my friend came up with for describing the tenets of taking care of one's mental health issues, I really like it.

yeah, gotta give myself some of that self-love. which sounds kind-of seedy now that i think about it. oh well, i'm not going back to retype it. all this shit is really stressful, but what was blowing it up into epic proportions was patterns from childhood. those damn things again. it's funny how they work, it's like there's a play in your head and you just go through it again and again, and the emotions feel so real... but they honestly aren't, they belong to a specific time and place and to specific people. so yeah i'm feeling a little better figuring that out. i need to do something good for myself this weekend.

well, the emotions are real, they're just dead in time. the people and situations are just facsimiles come to life, but it all seems totally real. stupid brain.

but anyway, thanks silby, i always appreciate when you come 'round these parts. i'll have to keep your formula in mind next time i'm facing hard times.