We have talked about it, and she assures me it's not a big deal. I cook dinner almost every night now, do more chores around the house than I would normally do, etc, but I still worry. I'm a worrier.
― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:15 (eleven years ago) link
Try believing what she tells you.
― Aimless, Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:16 (eleven years ago) link
I do. But I also know, because she's told me, that she's sad we won't be able to visit her family in the UK this year. She doesn't blame me, but I know she's sad about it. I don't like disappointing people.
― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:18 (eleven years ago) link
the prospect of working in some high-pressure job for which I'm ill-equipped.
I agree some kind of high-performance office job is not for you, and when you read job listings it's like they want ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE to be Superman basically--I have noticed this too! And am intimidated by descrips of jobs I actually want. And you know I have zero credentials in the field I'm trying to enter, you and I are in similar situations. I have to say, though, that I know so many couples who are like tattoo artist + bartender, or old movie clip curator + hair stylist, or hair stylist + freelance graphic designer, and somehow these people manage to get along in life and EVEN OWN HOUSES in some cases!! (How they got a loan I will never know, I can't even quality for a lease in my own name.) The green card thing is a year away. I would say focus on your own satisfaction, and do some mental work to figure out what does interest you. It's hard to separate expectations we have accepted onto our shoulders from the things that actually move us that come from within, but seriously, I don't think introspection is something you have a problem with and you are hella smart.
― lets just remember to blame the patriarchy for (in orbit), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:19 (eleven years ago) link
Also if you accept your wife's honesty in telling you that she's sad you're not going to the UK this year, you also have to accept her assurances that sharing her feelings abt that with you is not a prelude to freaking out or blaming you for the problem. She has to say it to move past it, you have to hear it, and now you have to NOT hold onto it more than she is. Or uh...something.
― lets just remember to blame the patriarchy for (in orbit), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:21 (eleven years ago) link
Thanks Laurel. You're a good pal.
― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:23 (eleven years ago) link
and you're right, H is not a very freaking out kinda person.
I'm thinking of bagging the whole non-profit thing and starting an internet advice column.
― lets just remember to blame the patriarchy for (in orbit), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:23 (eleven years ago) link
Miss Hardmanners.
― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:24 (eleven years ago) link
Love u boo. Don't let the barstools get you down.
― lets just remember to blame the patriarchy for (in orbit), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 19:26 (eleven years ago) link
Personally, I don't get down from barstools.
― Aimless, Tuesday, 19 March 2013 20:05 (eleven years ago) link
Sorry, Ian. I don't have a degree either and yes, it seems to feel extra scary when you don't have one and find yourself unemployed. If it is any consolation, I managed to find jobs eventually. Have had quite few interesting, long lasting gigs in my lifetime. I had a secure job at the University of Texas library, libraries have always saved me. Not sure if they still will, but will find out soon as I enter the job market again. But you do have experience, you do have skills, you have smarts and you will find a job. Hang in there, on your side.
― *tera, Wednesday, 20 March 2013 16:37 (eleven years ago) link
if you don't mind my asking, how are things for you, tera?
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 March 2013 16:38 (eleven years ago) link
lots of xposts and orbit pretty much has said all that was urgent + key but just to tack on:
ian definitely don't let yourself undermine your wife's confidence in you. if she says she's not worried then allow that to buoy you and move you forward. It's easier said than done, but the less you let your worry shape ordinary things into crazy monsters that keep you awake, the better equipped you will be to face what needs to be done. We all do that from time to time (ie worry), but don't allow it to make you deaf/blind to the support you need, and it seems you already have, to get through this rough time
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 March 2013 16:42 (eleven years ago) link
I hurt. Thank you for asking. I just hurt, find out more, hurt some more.
― *tera, Wednesday, 20 March 2013 16:46 (eleven years ago) link
(hugs)
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 March 2013 16:50 (eleven years ago) link
hang in there, sister.
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 March 2013 16:51 (eleven years ago) link
Thank you and hugs back...
― *tera, Wednesday, 20 March 2013 17:01 (eleven years ago) link
hugs for all.
― i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Wednesday, 20 March 2013 22:24 (eleven years ago) link
group hug yes :)
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 March 2013 22:25 (eleven years ago) link
ugh, had a weird session with my therapist this week. i was in rough shape that session, completely overwhelmed and exhausted with pain... i had basically gotten to the deepest level of my trauma, which is great and everything but it's still no fun. i tried sharing this with her, but didn't seem like she was listening or reacting at all emotionally to me. she responded by pounding me with analysis when i just wanted someone to listen to me. the whole thing seemed to make her feel really uncomfortable and stand-offish. i apologized and said i was a little frazzled that day, and she mumbled out of the side of her mouth "you're more than a little frazzled". i mean, she said some helpful things for me to think about, but in that moment things were just so monstrously painful i couldn't even listen to her.
so i don't know, i'm not sure she's the safest person for me to explore my pain with, or maybe i'm expecting too much.
― Spectrum, Friday, 22 March 2013 17:31 (eleven years ago) link
she's the best you've got. she was not at the top of her game. tell her your perspective about what happened. she'll realize she needs to change up. none of this stuff goes perfectly, so you just need to keep adjusting whenever you flounder. the main thing is to keep your head above water long enough to get to where your feet can touch bottom.
― Aimless, Friday, 22 March 2013 17:36 (eleven years ago) link
that's true. i take it back, i'm sort-of glad she didn't engage with me more emotionally, probably would've made me more dependent on her. i need to start standing on my own two feet more, i've learned and experienced enough to be able to do it.
― Spectrum, Friday, 22 March 2013 18:36 (eleven years ago) link
slept from 3am to 9pm on saturday
it's all i want to do tbh
― mookieproof, Sunday, 24 March 2013 04:39 (eleven years ago) link
i was happiest when i refrained from morphine gel caps, alcohol, cocaine, percocets and vicodins but then i realized without drugs i would have no personality and be really really sad and shit.
― i got canal smarts bitch (rumham), Sunday, 24 March 2013 05:01 (eleven years ago) link
my distorted thinking tells me that without depression i would have no personality.
― fit and working again, Sunday, 24 March 2013 07:13 (eleven years ago) link
wrong-o. For example: when I came back to school after my first summer on pills I had friends tell me that it was nice to see me acting like a human, and that I had been pretty robotic the year before, which was news to me.
It is important to accept that depression isn't you. It is a part of you and shapes you but it is not essential to you. You have a mind, personality, creative spirit, etc. totally independent of it. (This is why for me personally naming depression as a disease was helpful; it allowed me to stop thinking of my depressive behavior as something that was essential to me or that I was stuck with.)
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 March 2013 17:39 (eleven years ago) link
yes. when one identifies with depression for so long it can be hard to see this. it's a challenge for me to imagine myself any other way.
― fit and working again, Sunday, 24 March 2013 18:29 (eleven years ago) link
word
― Nhex, Sunday, 24 March 2013 19:43 (eleven years ago) link
i feel like shit and i am a shitty person
― veryupsetmom (harbl), Sunday, 24 March 2013 22:03 (eleven years ago) link
the first doesn't imply the second
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 March 2013 22:08 (eleven years ago) link
it's a conjunction not a conditional statement
― veryupsetmom (harbl), Sunday, 24 March 2013 22:10 (eleven years ago) link
harbl perfectly correct in the guise of grammar fiend, but verifiably incorrect in second assertion of first post in most recent series of posts.
― Aimless, Monday, 25 March 2013 04:26 (eleven years ago) link
I should probably change that display name, it doesn't exactly help. I used to post off and on, more on ILM than anywhere, now pretty much lurk. Just had total meltdown in matters of the heart followed by a real threat to my financial stability. Trying the right things: not turning to alcohol, eat well, exercise, etc. But I am stuck in a cold room with no windows or doors. Alone is an understatement. Frozen and quite honestly terrified.
― tubby permacrocked whorefucker (Lostandfound), Monday, 25 March 2013 20:39 (eleven years ago) link
― Heyman (crüt), Monday, 25 March 2013 20:41 (eleven years ago) link
OBJECTION
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 25 March 2013 20:42 (eleven years ago) link
Lostandfound can you elaborate on your cold room's lack of windows and doors? Are you literally trapped in a featureless prison somewhere? If so should we send help?
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Monday, 25 March 2013 20:48 (eleven years ago) link
yeah, geez, i was going to say it's probably not helping if you're living in a real-life metaphor for depression
― Spectrum, Monday, 25 March 2013 20:52 (eleven years ago) link
Yeah, just a metaphor. I can't find a way to adequately describe it. It's constricting and it's literally difficult to breathe and there is little light. Sorry, I don't mean to make it sound all dramatic, I was genuinely trying to describe it.
― tubby permacrocked whorefucker (Lostandfound), Monday, 25 March 2013 21:09 (eleven years ago) link
I have felt that sensation of it being literally difficult through breathe because of depression. I'm really sorry you're going through that. I don't have much to add, but hold on to that light that is there, and do the best you can to take care of yourself.
― Vinnie, Monday, 25 March 2013 21:16 (eleven years ago) link
Yes, and thanks. Actually, you make a good point: there's at least a little light. It's not pitch black.
I don't know. For some reason, this feels so awful that I'm feeling the need to say it "out loud," make it known outside of my own head.
― tubby permacrocked whorefucker (Lostandfound), Monday, 25 March 2013 21:31 (eleven years ago) link
cripes i hate when co-workers talk about vacations and fun times with their families. i guess i'm coming to the positive conclusion that the only person i really have in my life is myself, and that's not really a bad thing i guess. suppose it does take more strength for me to survive and live life than most of my peers, because i sure as hell doubt they know what it feels like to realize you're completely dead alone in the world. like, for real dead alone, not depression alone.
― Spectrum, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 18:14 (eleven years ago) link
the only person i really have in my life is myself
That's a starting place at least.
― Aimless, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 18:28 (eleven years ago) link
yeah. it's a totally maddening feeling, though, i understand why i went nuts as a kid. maybe i shouldn't think about it, it's kinda like thinking about your own death.
― Spectrum, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 18:39 (eleven years ago) link
don't people don't think about their own death every day
― Nhex, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 19:25 (eleven years ago) link
Some people opt for a once a week in the middle of the night schedule for thinking about their own death.
― Aimless, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 19:28 (eleven years ago) link
those lucky bastards
― Nhex, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 19:39 (eleven years ago) link
goddamn i hope things get better soon. not only do i have to deal with all this shit, i need to bump my career up another level. thanks to my ginormous student loans, even a decent job isn't enough money to survive... if my shitty, 16 year old car gives out, i am FUCKED. i really hope it doesn't come to killing myself. :[]
― Spectrum, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 19:43 (eleven years ago) link
Hey man, back off the cliff. What's up?
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Tuesday, 26 March 2013 20:05 (eleven years ago) link
Ehhh, things are just really overwhelming right now. Therapy's taking a huge emotional toll on me, my whole friggin reality is totally upended and I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. work's stressful and demanding, financially I'm in a hole right now I can only get out of by working even more and at a higher level (and that's an untrodden path), there's so much shit I need to take care of that i've neglected in my life, and I really am pretty much alone here, i have zero emotional support in my life. the people i do reach out to only have like, one conversation in 'em, and i can't blame them, they have their own crosses to bear in life. my therapist is great with the cognitive stuff, but gets a score of 5 out of 100 when it comes to dealing with emotions. so it's like UURGHHHH!!!!! and i'm having a hard time seeing my way out right now.
― Spectrum, Tuesday, 26 March 2013 20:16 (eleven years ago) link