Depression and what it's really like

xp yeah, that's true. the only hurdle right now is going back and making emotional sense of everything. you know, facing myself and reality, i've spent my whole life running away from it all. now i can finally make sense of it, but damn is it hard, and it's going to take a lot of hard work. that's the plus side to this pain, at least i can finally go back and process everything and understand myself and the world for once. i find it funny when my roommates walk past my room, they don't know i'm inside curled up in a fetal position on the floor naked, covered only by a single white sheet and crying my eyes out surrounded by glass from a mirror i punched out (ok, that's a dramatization). i'll play "we are the champions" when it doesn't feel like invisible knives are being shoved into my soul while i'm suspended in the middle of a black hole. i'm sure that day'll come, i've made it this far.

that's true, in orbit. i'm assuming i'll bring something different to the table, but i don't quite know what that'll be yet. i guess i'm lucky in the social thing... that story i told before of people coming up and wanting to meet me, people have been like that to me my whole life, i've even had weird lady stalkers obsessed w/ me and people "fall in love" with me, all the while i sat there completely oblivious to it all. i have no idea why some people seem to like me, but i'll probably understand at some point. i genuinely like people and i like to have a good time and love the world, and refuse to be some phoney ass mfer, so that could be part of it. this is all crap i'll figure out as i work through everything and experience life with an open heart... i guess i'm a romantic, too. anyway, thanks for that.

i genuinely like people and i like to have a good time and love the world

Oh well that explains it. This is all it takes to make people like you btw.

yeah, my therapist said something like that. she was telling me the way i just was in our relationship (kind, respectful, thoughtful, etc.) is the stuff people like. and i thought it was all about being a professional, or wearing snazzy clothes, or being the funniest/smartest/coolest person in the world. which of course did jack shit when i tried it in younger days.

which i guess is an age old story... going out into the world to find the answer, when it was inside you all along.

Well I guess it won't make jerky people like you because they aren't intersted in liking ppl or loving the world. But it will make good people like you, and you will like them too. The End.

they don't know i'm inside curled up in a fetal position on the floor naked

Wait a sec, are you Natalie Imbruglia? That would explain all the stalkers. Either way, it sounds like there's something about you to be liked. Remember that when you get those thoughts of the catch 22. You don't need to be "cured" before you can make great friendships, you have something to offer right now.

xp that is where i'm at now, realizing there are good people who appreciate that stuff and share the same values. to my family, to people like my family, to the people my childhood conditioning attracts me to, those personality traits are a personal affront, or weakness, or tools that can be used to manipulate and control. those are the people i need to say the hell away from! i always felt like a weirdo or an outsider because I actually cared about things like love and respect, but now i'm seeing it's because my family is completely fucked up, and there are unfortunately enough people out there like them to have kept it all going.

oh shit, that makes total sense! of course i don't understand the positive qualities in myself that good people seem to like, because those qualities weren't valued or were rejected/abused by my family growing up and all the family facsimilies i've come across in my life. there's no way in hell i can have positive self-esteem when i value myself and base my views on people that rejected me and all the things that make life worth living.

anyway, thanks again aimless, in orbit, and all. i'm feeling a little better now.

Hello thread.

I lost my job a little over a month ago, for complicated reasons. The reason i was given was that I am "difficult to work with." This seems silly because I worked at this job for nearly 8 years (7 years, 9 months) without incident. The real issue was that the macho aggressive guy thought I was a lazy stoner. Stoner yes, lazy no; in fact I had been thinking of asking for a raise given how much work I did, without a raise in two years.

Anyway. At first I was really, really, really devastated. I didn't understand it and I felt hurt and angry and my self-confidence levels went way down. Now, I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are really tough. I just feel like a useless lump. I have been trying to stay busy in different ways, but I have a lot of worries. I don't worry much about 'getting by' because I have a decent amount of money saved (lol less than $2k in the bank) but I've also been selling records online (this has been my business for the past 8 years) and though that is not bringing in tons of money, its been enough to pay rent & bills and then some, which is great, but it doesn't feel satisfying to me. My worries are more about what people may think of me, what kind of bullshit this guy at work told my boss, if my friends aren't going to want to be my friends anymore.

I'm worried that my wife feels taken advantage of, that I'm not able to pull my own weight as much anymore, that we can't order take-out all the time and go out and spend frivolously. I worry that if I don't get a legit straight job (as opposed to vagrant record dealer), we may not be able to renew her green card when it is time next spring. I look at job listings and feel unqualified, or just terrified at the prospect of working in some high-pressure job for which I'm ill-equipped. I don't have a college degree, for instance, and my CV is pretty boring.

I don't really have a question I just needed to vent a little bit, i guess.

i guess just sometimes I wake up scared and sad and i can't really shake it.

Can you collect unemployment? If there's no real cause for firing, they should pony up for unemployment.

hugs, pal.

i'm getting unemployment -- not a lot, but yeah, that's helping. it's less about the money and more about the fact that i am worried that everyone i thought was my friend secretly thinks i'm a jerk. and the green card stuff.

hugs to you too, bill.

worried that my wife feels taken advantage of

Make her talk to you about this. If it is true, decide on what would be sufficient to neutralize that feeling. You can't force people to hire you, but it's important your wife sees you contributing and doing what you can do.

We have talked about it, and she assures me it's not a big deal. I cook dinner almost every night now, do more chores around the house than I would normally do, etc, but I still worry. I'm a worrier.

Try believing what she tells you.

I do. But I also know, because she's told me, that she's sad we won't be able to visit her family in the UK this year. She doesn't blame me, but I know she's sad about it. I don't like disappointing people.

the prospect of working in some high-pressure job for which I'm ill-equipped.

I agree some kind of high-performance office job is not for you, and when you read job listings it's like they want ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE to be Superman basically--I have noticed this too! And am intimidated by descrips of jobs I actually want. And you know I have zero credentials in the field I'm trying to enter, you and I are in similar situations. I have to say, though, that I know so many couples who are like tattoo artist + bartender, or old movie clip curator + hair stylist, or hair stylist + freelance graphic designer, and somehow these people manage to get along in life and EVEN OWN HOUSES in some cases!! (How they got a loan I will never know, I can't even quality for a lease in my own name.) The green card thing is a year away. I would say focus on your own satisfaction, and do some mental work to figure out what does interest you. It's hard to separate expectations we have accepted onto our shoulders from the things that actually move us that come from within, but seriously, I don't think introspection is something you have a problem with and you are hella smart.

Also if you accept your wife's honesty in telling you that she's sad you're not going to the UK this year, you also have to accept her assurances that sharing her feelings abt that with you is not a prelude to freaking out or blaming you for the problem. She has to say it to move past it, you have to hear it, and now you have to NOT hold onto it more than she is. Or uh...something.

Thanks Laurel. You're a good pal.

and you're right, H is not a very freaking out kinda person.

I'm thinking of bagging the whole non-profit thing and starting an internet advice column.

Miss Hardmanners.

Love u boo. Don't let the barstools get you down.

Personally, I don't get down from barstools.

Sorry, Ian. I don't have a degree either and yes, it seems to feel extra scary when you don't have one and find yourself unemployed. If it is any consolation, I managed to find jobs eventually. Have had quite few interesting, long lasting gigs in my lifetime. I had a secure job at the University of Texas library, libraries have always saved me. Not sure if they still will, but will find out soon as I enter the job market again. But you do have experience, you do have skills, you have smarts and you will find a job. Hang in there, on your side.

if you don't mind my asking, how are things for you, tera?

lots of xposts and orbit pretty much has said all that was urgent + key but just to tack on:

ian definitely don't let yourself undermine your wife's confidence in you. if she says she's not worried then allow that to buoy you and move you forward. It's easier said than done, but the less you let your worry shape ordinary things into crazy monsters that keep you awake, the better equipped you will be to face what needs to be done. We all do that from time to time (ie worry), but don't allow it to make you deaf/blind to the support you need, and it seems you already have, to get through this rough time

I hurt. Thank you for asking. I just hurt, find out more, hurt some more.

(hugs)

hang in there, sister.

Thank you and hugs back...

hugs for all.

group hug yes :)

ugh, had a weird session with my therapist this week. i was in rough shape that session, completely overwhelmed and exhausted with pain... i had basically gotten to the deepest level of my trauma, which is great and everything but it's still no fun. i tried sharing this with her, but didn't seem like she was listening or reacting at all emotionally to me. she responded by pounding me with analysis when i just wanted someone to listen to me. the whole thing seemed to make her feel really uncomfortable and stand-offish. i apologized and said i was a little frazzled that day, and she mumbled out of the side of her mouth "you're more than a little frazzled". i mean, she said some helpful things for me to think about, but in that moment things were just so monstrously painful i couldn't even listen to her.

so i don't know, i'm not sure she's the safest person for me to explore my pain with, or maybe i'm expecting too much.

she's the best you've got. she was not at the top of her game. tell her your perspective about what happened. she'll realize she needs to change up. none of this stuff goes perfectly, so you just need to keep adjusting whenever you flounder. the main thing is to keep your head above water long enough to get to where your feet can touch bottom.

that's true. i take it back, i'm sort-of glad she didn't engage with me more emotionally, probably would've made me more dependent on her. i need to start standing on my own two feet more, i've learned and experienced enough to be able to do it.

slept from 3am to 9pm on saturday

it's all i want to do tbh

i was happiest when i refrained from morphine gel caps, alcohol, cocaine, percocets and vicodins but then i realized without drugs i would have no personality and be really really sad and shit.

my distorted thinking tells me that without depression i would have no personality.

wrong-o. For example: when I came back to school after my first summer on pills I had friends tell me that it was nice to see me acting like a human, and that I had been pretty robotic the year before, which was news to me.

It is important to accept that depression isn't you. It is a part of you and shapes you but it is not essential to you. You have a mind, personality, creative spirit, etc. totally independent of it. (This is why for me personally naming depression as a disease was helpful; it allowed me to stop thinking of my depressive behavior as something that was essential to me or that I was stuck with.)

yes. when one identifies with depression for so long it can be hard to see this. it's a challenge for me to imagine myself any other way.

word

i feel like shit and i am a shitty person

the first doesn't imply the second

it's a conjunction not a conditional statement

harbl perfectly correct in the guise of grammar fiend, but verifiably incorrect in second assertion of first post in most recent series of posts.

I should probably change that display name, it doesn't exactly help. I used to post off and on, more on ILM than anywhere, now pretty much lurk. Just had total meltdown in matters of the heart followed by a real threat to my financial stability. Trying the right things: not turning to alcohol, eat well, exercise, etc. But I am stuck in a cold room with no windows or doors. Alone is an understatement. Frozen and quite honestly terrified.