Depression and what it's really like

Leanin on a thread is no great sin if it helps spectrum. Often wish i could contribute more itt tbh but plenty of others do good work here imo (EVEN SPACECADET AND IN ORBIT)

word

i didn't think in orbit was being malicious, maybe a little cranky. it's not a big deal. i need to keep remembering this is just warped thinking, but it's more like ... that positive thinking never happened, and so this is just my natural state. nothing's been warped because i never knew an identity beyond "sack of crap". that's the challenge, learning how to go from pile of human garbage to, at the very least, sentient effigy of human garbage. anything after that is icing on the cake.

thanks darraghmac, i feel the same way when others post on here.

depression clouds your perception of a lot of things; not only how you see yourself, but how you perceive others seeing you, even how you perceive the past. part of you going through therapy and all this work you're doing on yourself is to now be conscious of the veil between you and the rest of the world that's been obscuring what you see and what you take in...now is when you start taking a moment to take a breath, ~lift~ the veil, and consider what's being given to you, instead of taking it at face value like you would in the 'beforetimes'.

brand new world, etc.

sorry that's all kinda shitty metaphors, reads like a bad poem...but you get my drift, hopefully?

yeah, i do. i wish i knew a time before depression. i have little to no idea of the concept of someone liking me. it makes no sense whatsoever to me, like there's a receptor in my brain missing. and it makes sense, i spent way too much time growing up in total isolation, and any attempt to break out of it failed pretty badly cuz of the snowball effect from growing up in a righteously shitty home. this period in my life is like an awakening, and it's not like i'm getting my groove back, it's more like i'm getting my groove for the first time.

trust that. not to the point where you're wide open to *everything*, but for every few encounters that you instinctively recoil from, maybe accept one.

but whether or not you personally understand people liking you, you are aware that this is a thing that happens between people and maybe it's part of your new groove to find out what that looks like. consider it an anthropological undertaking :)

i do know what it looks like, everything's working inside of me, i just have to keep coming to terms with the fact that i'm not a flaming bag of dog shit left on someone's door step. it's happening slowly.

:)

sentient effigy of human garbage

Ok, that made me lol

So far your evidence for "sack of crap" is: You're a gainfully employed dude who escaped a horror-movie childhood and more recently a horror-movie roommate, and are interesting enough that random people want to meet you. Would you have the same assessment about this person if it wasn't you?

thanks PN, it's weird reading it that way.

this just made me realize my problem is i don't have a framework for relationships in my life. this positive stuff doesn't stick because i haven't been truly close to anyone, i never took that risk. i've had girlfriends and friends and shit, but all of that was in a disassociative state so it wasn't totally real to me. so maybe i have to take the risk and venture out and connect with people more for any of these positive things about myself to make sense. woah i don't even know how to comprehend this right now.

can you develop positive associations and models of thinking about other people, then map it back to yourself, like a kind of reverse-empathy?

no, has to be real people. i've done all i can sitting alone in a room thinking.

like, if people think i'm nice or cool or whatever, i'm just going to follow their lead, instead of making their decision for them that i suck.

Yeah I mean other, real people who you get to choose to model and see yourself through.

oh, I get what you're saying. that's a good idea (the former thing you said, i can't put my finger on the latter) ... thinking more positively about people may actually be pretty helpful.

holy shit, I went out with some co-workers tonight and had a lot of fun. the person who invited me said I was a blast! this was probably the most successful social time out i've had out since i was like, 10 years old. therapy really works. and i really appreciate the support here. can't believe things are actually starting to work here! yeah, i'm a little tipsy.

sometimes, while learning to walk, a toddler puts on a crazy burst of speed to get across the floor from one piece of grabbable furniture to the next, and when they don't fall over on the way, they burst into a big smile at the wonder of themselves. rightfully so, too.

that's true, I still have a ways to go, and I should be careful about saying "this is it!" so soon... I've made that mistake before. I'm just happy to see that good things are possible.

damn straight. about time, too. remember this as long as you can.

Hey, look! Today you were one of those people, laughing with their friends and having fun!! Remember last week you thought it would never happen to you? :D You're still yourself and you have an idea of the work ahead but consider that there are a lot of pleasures along the way, not just a destination of "absolute happiness." You're not putting life on hold until you reach that goal, you're actually having a normal life.

ok, back again. i think my social skills are starting to outmatch my emotional ability to handle things right now. i never realized how alone i really am, and how alone i've been my whole life. this is really quite exruciating, especially since my life is so void of people. catch 22 is i need to deal with this ridiculously painful crap before I can even start bringing people into my life. this is real fuckin' blast.

fuck this shit takes a long time to deal with, doesn't it. guess i should prepare for the long haul then.

At least you're starting to see some daylight on the social side, so you know that it is possible for you to have fun with people who do not see you as a bag of shit. Hard as all this is, you've reached a point where going backwards will never look like a viable option for more than a few minutes before you realize you're fooling yourself and forwards is the only way left to you. Yes, that won't feel great for some time to come, but it is the sort of progress that ought to trigger confetti and streamers falling from the ceiling and "we are the chapions" playing at high volume..

Honestly? The long haul is the rest of your life--your experiences have shaped you, and you will never "outgrow" or completely undo them. This is okay, because you're going to be a person who knows totally different things deep in their bones than most other people do, and ppl in your life will see that. Everyone brings sthing different to the table, yours is just a little more different than usual, yeah?

Ever onward! You are smart and self-aware! Uh also have you read the posts of all the ppl on here who lament their own social failures, who are otherwise completely functional, responsible, nice adult humans? It's kind of a big deal that whoever you are, you survived yr past with social skills intact--in fact apparently high-functioning. Enjoy that and consider that not everything in life has gone against you.

orbit, that was killer. so OTM

also Aimless 'we are the champions' streamers made me lol

xp yeah, that's true. the only hurdle right now is going back and making emotional sense of everything. you know, facing myself and reality, i've spent my whole life running away from it all. now i can finally make sense of it, but damn is it hard, and it's going to take a lot of hard work. that's the plus side to this pain, at least i can finally go back and process everything and understand myself and the world for once. i find it funny when my roommates walk past my room, they don't know i'm inside curled up in a fetal position on the floor naked, covered only by a single white sheet and crying my eyes out surrounded by glass from a mirror i punched out (ok, that's a dramatization). i'll play "we are the champions" when it doesn't feel like invisible knives are being shoved into my soul while i'm suspended in the middle of a black hole. i'm sure that day'll come, i've made it this far.

that's true, in orbit. i'm assuming i'll bring something different to the table, but i don't quite know what that'll be yet. i guess i'm lucky in the social thing... that story i told before of people coming up and wanting to meet me, people have been like that to me my whole life, i've even had weird lady stalkers obsessed w/ me and people "fall in love" with me, all the while i sat there completely oblivious to it all. i have no idea why some people seem to like me, but i'll probably understand at some point. i genuinely like people and i like to have a good time and love the world, and refuse to be some phoney ass mfer, so that could be part of it. this is all crap i'll figure out as i work through everything and experience life with an open heart... i guess i'm a romantic, too. anyway, thanks for that.

i genuinely like people and i like to have a good time and love the world

Oh well that explains it. This is all it takes to make people like you btw.

yeah, my therapist said something like that. she was telling me the way i just was in our relationship (kind, respectful, thoughtful, etc.) is the stuff people like. and i thought it was all about being a professional, or wearing snazzy clothes, or being the funniest/smartest/coolest person in the world. which of course did jack shit when i tried it in younger days.

which i guess is an age old story... going out into the world to find the answer, when it was inside you all along.

Well I guess it won't make jerky people like you because they aren't intersted in liking ppl or loving the world. But it will make good people like you, and you will like them too. The End.

they don't know i'm inside curled up in a fetal position on the floor naked

Wait a sec, are you Natalie Imbruglia? That would explain all the stalkers. Either way, it sounds like there's something about you to be liked. Remember that when you get those thoughts of the catch 22. You don't need to be "cured" before you can make great friendships, you have something to offer right now.

xp that is where i'm at now, realizing there are good people who appreciate that stuff and share the same values. to my family, to people like my family, to the people my childhood conditioning attracts me to, those personality traits are a personal affront, or weakness, or tools that can be used to manipulate and control. those are the people i need to say the hell away from! i always felt like a weirdo or an outsider because I actually cared about things like love and respect, but now i'm seeing it's because my family is completely fucked up, and there are unfortunately enough people out there like them to have kept it all going.

oh shit, that makes total sense! of course i don't understand the positive qualities in myself that good people seem to like, because those qualities weren't valued or were rejected/abused by my family growing up and all the family facsimilies i've come across in my life. there's no way in hell i can have positive self-esteem when i value myself and base my views on people that rejected me and all the things that make life worth living.

anyway, thanks again aimless, in orbit, and all. i'm feeling a little better now.

Hello thread.

I lost my job a little over a month ago, for complicated reasons. The reason i was given was that I am "difficult to work with." This seems silly because I worked at this job for nearly 8 years (7 years, 9 months) without incident. The real issue was that the macho aggressive guy thought I was a lazy stoner. Stoner yes, lazy no; in fact I had been thinking of asking for a raise given how much work I did, without a raise in two years.

Anyway. At first I was really, really, really devastated. I didn't understand it and I felt hurt and angry and my self-confidence levels went way down. Now, I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are really tough. I just feel like a useless lump. I have been trying to stay busy in different ways, but I have a lot of worries. I don't worry much about 'getting by' because I have a decent amount of money saved (lol less than $2k in the bank) but I've also been selling records online (this has been my business for the past 8 years) and though that is not bringing in tons of money, its been enough to pay rent & bills and then some, which is great, but it doesn't feel satisfying to me. My worries are more about what people may think of me, what kind of bullshit this guy at work told my boss, if my friends aren't going to want to be my friends anymore.

I'm worried that my wife feels taken advantage of, that I'm not able to pull my own weight as much anymore, that we can't order take-out all the time and go out and spend frivolously. I worry that if I don't get a legit straight job (as opposed to vagrant record dealer), we may not be able to renew her green card when it is time next spring. I look at job listings and feel unqualified, or just terrified at the prospect of working in some high-pressure job for which I'm ill-equipped. I don't have a college degree, for instance, and my CV is pretty boring.

I don't really have a question I just needed to vent a little bit, i guess.

i guess just sometimes I wake up scared and sad and i can't really shake it.

Can you collect unemployment? If there's no real cause for firing, they should pony up for unemployment.

hugs, pal.

i'm getting unemployment -- not a lot, but yeah, that's helping. it's less about the money and more about the fact that i am worried that everyone i thought was my friend secretly thinks i'm a jerk. and the green card stuff.

hugs to you too, bill.

worried that my wife feels taken advantage of

Make her talk to you about this. If it is true, decide on what would be sufficient to neutralize that feeling. You can't force people to hire you, but it's important your wife sees you contributing and doing what you can do.

We have talked about it, and she assures me it's not a big deal. I cook dinner almost every night now, do more chores around the house than I would normally do, etc, but I still worry. I'm a worrier.

Try believing what she tells you.

I do. But I also know, because she's told me, that she's sad we won't be able to visit her family in the UK this year. She doesn't blame me, but I know she's sad about it. I don't like disappointing people.

the prospect of working in some high-pressure job for which I'm ill-equipped.

I agree some kind of high-performance office job is not for you, and when you read job listings it's like they want ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE to be Superman basically--I have noticed this too! And am intimidated by descrips of jobs I actually want. And you know I have zero credentials in the field I'm trying to enter, you and I are in similar situations. I have to say, though, that I know so many couples who are like tattoo artist + bartender, or old movie clip curator + hair stylist, or hair stylist + freelance graphic designer, and somehow these people manage to get along in life and EVEN OWN HOUSES in some cases!! (How they got a loan I will never know, I can't even quality for a lease in my own name.) The green card thing is a year away. I would say focus on your own satisfaction, and do some mental work to figure out what does interest you. It's hard to separate expectations we have accepted onto our shoulders from the things that actually move us that come from within, but seriously, I don't think introspection is something you have a problem with and you are hella smart.

Also if you accept your wife's honesty in telling you that she's sad you're not going to the UK this year, you also have to accept her assurances that sharing her feelings abt that with you is not a prelude to freaking out or blaming you for the problem. She has to say it to move past it, you have to hear it, and now you have to NOT hold onto it more than she is. Or uh...something.

Thanks Laurel. You're a good pal.

and you're right, H is not a very freaking out kinda person.