Depression and what it's really like

landlord chose him. he was the first guy who wanted the room. the super who showed him around actually advised against giving it to him because he seemed dangerous, but the landlord didn't give a crap. this is a good lesson in getting myself set up to never need a roommate again.

That guy will probably drive off every prospective new roommate one after the other until the landlord realizes he's brought a cuckoo into his nest. Then he'll try to figure out how to boot him out. Too late for you though.

ugh spectrum that sounds awful! Aimless is def otm. That learned skill of separating [this scary moment] from memories of the past can have a huge effect on how you deal with that awfulness in and of itself, rather than compounding it with childhood horrors. It doesn't make the awful things any less awful to deal with...there's just LESS to deal with once that baggage isn't so everpresent.

But jesus I'm so glad you're getting out of that, it sounds perfectly terrifying

Was gonna say on the roommate thread this is the last thing you need to deal with. Roommates can, believe it or not,have a good effect on one's mental health, but most of them are pretty annoying (albeit not straight-up malevolent.)

friends who talk only about themselves and their problems 100% of the time and minimize your problems, including suicidal feelings, when you try to squeeze them into the conversation

like, classic or dud? jk i know that they are dud

They are too busy eating their tails to be of any use to the rest of the world.

these ppl are not really friends imo

maybe this insane roommate is actually a blessing in disguise. i'm looking back on my life and realizing how many people have manipulated me... it's a real eye opener. my parents trained me well, i'm like sociopath bait. fuck man. anyway, i appreciate all your support and responses here, it's definitely helped, especially with my therapist on vacation the past two weeks.

Are you moved yet, Spectrum? And yes, I do think there's some evidence that victims of abuse are more likely to become victims again, but that could just be something I got of Law & Order: SVU. Try not to be discouraged. There's good folks out there.

There have been a number of times over the past several months where I somehow reached that magical vantage point wherein I could look back at my depression and be all, "what was THAT about?". But I've managed to slide right back into the shitpit again every time. I had <1 day of feeling good about getting out of my crazy roommate situation (again, deepest sympathies, Spectrum, and good to know you're getting/have gotten out) before the reality of everything else in my life (unemployed and seemingly incapable of finding any job whatsoever, broke as a joke, unable to pay rent at the new place because of money my ex-roommate fucked me over on at the last minute, out of stuff to sell and people to ask for help) came rushing back in a flood. I've made some major strides inasmuch as I'm maintaining some sluggish forward momentum and hope rather than just folding in the face of adversity, but I feel like I'm being slowly cored out and wondering how long what's left of me can realistically maintain its structural integrity. And just generally feeling very "is this all there is?...and if so, why am I bothering?" I have some really solid friends in my life and the thought of them keeps me going most of the time, but I'm feeling more and more like that's all I have and wondering if it's enough. And feeling like I pretty much already know the answer to that question.

I dunno. Nevermind me. Surely things will turn around soon absent any evidence in that direction.

emilys, not yet I'm moving Sunday. Met the guy again and he seems straight up cool, so this is definitely an upgrade in all respects, and for the same money. I'm finally starting to realize there are good people ... for the first time I'm looking people in the eye and seeing humanity in them, and they're looking at me like I'm a human being, and it's all kosher. Feels pretty damn good. I can't believe how screwed up things have been for me my whole life!!! But if I can start turning around this shit, man, there's hope for anyone who wants to get better.

Thinking good thoughts for your future, bro.
I've had some really lousy roommates in life --nothing like what you've described but lousy nonetheless.
The guy who lives with me & my wife now is basically like me in most ways except he's a really good guitarist and I am not. So you can find people to live with you understand you, share your values, etc, and mostly importantly, who are not complete psychos.

Yeah, I have an ex-roommate who's one of my best friends in the world. And a number of ex-roommates who were totally cool to live with. And, yeah, a handful of ex-roommates who I might consider not pushing out of the path of an oncoming bus. My current roommate is also a previous roommate who's a perfectly kind and pleasant person. There are decent people out there, for sure.

Hoping your situation improves immediately, Spectrum, counting down. What you describe is just terrible, those last hours can be hell too...don't know if you are spending them there or can stay somewhere else.

A crazy roommate can wreck a person's world. It is a situation, depending on the level of dysfunction, that can really do a number on your outlook, your perceptions. It happens in your home. When you remove yourself from the situation, you may find yourself, at some point, seeing it differently and not have it mess with the progress you have made.

thanks ian and tera. i've had good roommates before, but damn i need to prepare myself against the shitty people of the world. it's easy for them because of my emotional trauma, the fact that my parents raised me to be dominated, controlled, and even killed. if they had just not given a shit that would've been far preferable to the sheer pleasure they took in destroying me as a person. i still have a lot of work left.

ahem ... should probably keep some of that for my journal. anyway.

I hate how it feels when you think you have reached a point of progress, or remission I guess, you just feel good, clouds clear, look back and think, what was that...then out of nowhere, a trigger and like a fragile house of cards it all comes down. Sometimes worse than before. That has been what I have been going through and why I didn't seek out a medical help before. I see a doctor on Thursday. Saw one last Thursday but didn't bring it up because I was feeling so great, truly thought hey, all I needed was out of OK, back to my norm. But today I feel worse than before.

However, Texas in March is my favorite place to be so it's like depressed, oh look flowers! Depressed, oh cool festival! Depressed, I love it here, depressed.....weird.

Yeah, the fact that your depression doesn't seem very connected to your immediate circumstances, which atm would seem to be very pleasant, is a clue that it may be more hormonal than situational.

Turns out my husband was cheating on me. Hence that anxious feeling. Gut feelings....Now to begin the process.

tera I'm so sorry

fuck. oh tera. my words are dumb right now. i would like to hug you? i'm so sorry

oh gosh.

strength to you.

Uh... shit. Thats not good lady :( x

*tera, you and the baby deserve x1000 better than that. I am extremely sorry you're having to deal with that kind of ugliness right now. I'm glad you are with your family.

damn *tera, also sorry to hear about that. it really sucks when you imagine all sorts of horrible shit due to depression, and it doesn't help when you're proven right

ok, i'm starting to consider suicide here. i don't see the point in living every day in excruciating pain ... i imagine all the counter arguments, "you have so much to live for!" but I've never experienced those reasons to live, and those reasons are so far out of reach for me. i just watch everything fall apart as pressure mounts and i have no idea how to handle it ... i make one wrong move, and everything just crumbles. no understanding, no sympathy, no time to take a break. all this hard work and i'm still so far away. i see people laughing and chatting, talking to friends and family, those people have a reason to live. i can't even get near to that, and this ain't depression talking, this is shit that happened to my brain through no friggin fault of my own. god damn. and nobody cares because everyone has their own lives to live, so i can't blame 'em. it's just pure bad luck. what a life.

All right, kid. Relax for a second. Have you 1. Eaten recently? 2. Slept recently? 3. Had a shower? It's not that doing those things solves anything about depression, I just want to unload the emotional freight a little bit, and taking care of your body affects your mind.

yeah, i did all those things, even went to the gym yesterday. shit's just overwhelming right now and i haven't had a chance to take a break yet. i'm just thinking about it, though, i wake up everyday and it's just misery. every day. and it's been like this my whole life. and seeing how hard it is to just function, to think about all the reasons for someone to live, i can't even touch that. so it's like, what's the point of even waking up and getting through the day when it's just pain and nothing? life isn't going to stop long enough for me to even catch my breath.

my mind and emotions are completely crippled by trauma... i've never felt love before, never truly had sex, never had a real relationship, and i'm 30. feels like there isn't time to catch up to where everyone else is. and i'm starting to touch those things a little, but it just unravels even more pain and confusion, and life's demands go up, and i stumble and everything falls apart again, and there's simply no time and no mercy. life is an unforgiving beast, and i was born on the wrong side of things. not all narratives have a happy ending like we want to believe, that's just something we see on TV. there are a billion tragedies out there in the world and sometimes it happens in Disneyland USA, too. i feel like i got the bad luck of being one of those tragedies.

well, sleep no ... i barely slept in two weeks. maybe i just need to catch my breath.

Is the roommate situation better at least?

yeah, living situation is better, just have to adjust to it. even good things have their own pain and confusion involved, unfortunately. this blows. now i know why so many people in my family have killed themselves, there are some truly evil people in this world who do horrible things to others, and there's no justice, there's no solution to it, no special breaks. it's just how things are sometimes. i'll get through this, i hope.

Ah, crap. Hugs to both of you, tera and Spectrum. Hang in there.

nobody cares because everyone has their own lives to live

I would like to point out that this is not true. Well, it is true that everyone has their own lives to live. Actually, I'm not sure who else I could get to live my life for me or how it would work if someone volunteered to. But there are many ilxors who've read your posts and who do care, even from such distant contact with you. Your therapist was driven to tears not long ago from caring. It is just that our caring about your pain cannot take the form of extinguishing your pain for you, however much we'd love to do that for you. We can't.

You're looking for courage right now because the pain is overwhelming you. I am not trained for this, but I have been overwhelmed with pain. At such times words of encouragement ring hollow, and their substance needs to be taken on faith. Here's the best I can do: You are a human. You have the same capacities as other humans, such as the ones you've seen laughing and chatting and happy. That capacity is in there waiting to be realized. You are digging it out from under a blizzard of shit, but it is there. As long as you keep digging, you have an excellent chance of realizing that capacity for happiness. But only if you don't stop digging.

Others like myself can encourage you, reassure you, cheer you on, show they care, but you're going to have to do the heavy lifting. All I can say is it is worth it. You will have to take some of that on faith right now. That requires trust. And profound courage. But you've come a long way already. You are not broken, just buried. You can do it.

Finally, if thoughts of suicide continue, call a suicide hotline. There is a real voice of a real person on the other end, and sure as shit THAT PERSON CARES. Ok?

Aimless otm, esp You are not broken. Just buried. Hang in there Spectrum.

god, thank you aimless, i really appreciate that, tears just welled up in my eyes reading that

cripes, my supervisor and i've been bonding over having had terrible childhoods, and while she's got some good advice, i just heard her call her daughter a nickname involving "dumbass" ... sounded just like my own mother. yuggg. and she still seems fairly troubled. perhaps i should be careful of who i trust. it also looks like this shit is hard to beat for anyone.

every person with a bad childhood i ran with back in the day is just getting worse and worse, including everyone in my family, and even the victory stories i've come across have been riddled with problems. my old supervisor at the DA's office also overcame extreme child abuse, and had a lot of the same problems as me ... gave me some good advice about how to start reconnecting with things (starting with pets), but lord she had a truly and utterly awful side, had the personality of a belt sander put to your face. i don't want to end up like any of these people, man. i got a lot on my plate.

Thanks, Aimless. That's a good post.

I'm on my phone so hard to write long msgs but remember: the kind of person you "end up" being is not beyond your control. You become that person every day, you ARE that person right now, in transition like everyone always is.

self-awareness is a huge part of avoiding that too, and you have that in spades.

Spectrum, if you haven't already, do check out the work of David Burns. It sounds like his activities on identifying and correcting cognitive distortions could help you unpack a lot of the cruddy feelings in your post. It definitely seems corny at first, but the simple act of doing the exercises when I am in a dire state has helped me out.

And please do call a hotline or go to the ER if you feel endangered. We're rooting for you here.

hey Spectrum, another recommendation -> http://books.google.com/books?id=3cn2R0KenN0C

not a self-help book, an academic work that I think an intelligent and thoughtful person such as yourself might find worthwhile esp on the typical effects of traumatic stress and the steps that have helped in turning lives around. there are many who have had these kinds of experiences and a lot of research on it.

tera i am so sorry!

awesome, thanks for the recommendations both of you. i read feeling good by david burns a while back... i didn't make it all the way through, but that section on cognitive distortions completely turned my world inside out. it was amazing to realize that your own thoughts could control the entire makeup of your reality. those sections helped me burst through the worst of my depression a few months back and get to this point. maybe it's time to revisit it.

and thanks VG, i definitely know i can do this.

Thanks, everyone, for more cogent thoughts about depression! I've never truly had to navigate that kind of grief and I do think that's what a lot of depression is at base: feelings of grief, loss, and helplessness in the face of everything. I know what panic sounds like, though, and Spectrum, I'm getting strong whiffs of a panic spiral from your troubled post. Do whatever you can not to be dragged down into it, is my feeling. It's not REAL, like really real, which is basically what the cognitive distortion stuff is about, in better words than I can string together.

it could be, this morning was the grand result of close to two weeks of sleeplessness, roommate/moving bullshit, and way too much caffeine and nicotine to compensate. i went to the gym today and my heart rate was through the roof ... i think i might lay off coffee/nic tomorrow.

tbh i don't think depression is very much like grief at all?

I know I've recommended this book here before, maybe on this thread. http://www.amazon.com/Coping-With-Trauma-Through-Understanding/dp/1585621692/ref=dp_ob_title_bk/192-8570175-2894410

at least look over this link, http://www.menningerclinic.com/education/clinical-resources/coping-with-depression.

He really helped me in person (I was in the hospital where he works) and in some lectures, and his book and papers helped me put the pieces of my past together and form a framework for a future. I'm not completely okay, but I'm alive and am capable or articulating reasons for life and the existence of humanity.

Post I Didn't Want to Put Where It Belongs

There's been a Bruce Springsteen Poll on ILM the last couple of weeks.

One day, many years ago, I called in sick from work. I had a chronic illness, depression, and alcoholism, and there was no way I could go into work that day. I drank vodka and took pills and listened to the Springsteen Live Box Set. I just sat on the floor and read the lyrics in the book and thought about all the pain and meaninglessness in my life and the world. At some point I started hitting my arm with a carving knife and managed to call my wife at her job. An ambulance came and took me away. I was treated for alcohol poisoning and and stitched up.

I've been told I explained how I couldn't take any more shit, everything was wrong, and I was tired of people fucking with me and maybe I tried to start a fight with the guy on the stretcher next to me in the ER. I spent time with schizophrenics and addicts and neurotics in various levels of mental care. It wasn't the first or last time. Things are better now. I still cry when I listen to some Springsteen songs. There is a sense of betrayal when you realize you didn't get what you deserved. Nobody gets anything. There is nothing to get.

My depression is like grief. A selfish grief for myself, but it extends to everyone of us that is screwed before we even started.

do any of you have suggestions on learning better social skills? i never picked them up having spent almost my entire life with nobody to talk to and never having had a real relationship of any kind, on top of having nearly zero life experience beyond minor professional accomplishments.

the crappy skills I have now create feedback loops of stunted relationships and awkward conversations, resulting in people who don't want much to do with me and making it even harder to learn the skills I need. this is something i've been trapped in my whole life and need to break out of if i can ever get better, and it isn't something people are particularly forgiving of.

holy crap I have a lot of work to do, and I have to do it on top of working 50 hours a week, and as each day, month, and year rolls by, more is expected of me out of my life. i'm running up the down escalator for real here. ugh.

Oh well everyone will have different advice about that. I'm all about sharing personal things and trying anything that will increase intimacy/communion w ppl, whereas others will be like, "REVELATION, why the hell would I reveal anything about myself?" You seem perfectly well-spoken on here anyway, and to have a reasonable approach to things.