Homemade Jokes

So I don't know if I've told you about my new career, but I've become a shoemaker to the stars. That's right, a shoemaker to the stars. For example, these boots were made for Walken.

brilliant

Q: Which Wu-Tang member is the greatest actor?
A: Method Man.

"Hey Corey, I'm gonna go to that yoga class, wanna come?"
"Nah, I'm-a stay."

I approve of that joke

I hope you remember it at your next group shavasana

I got into a terrible fight with my girlfriend. She was so angry at me that she ripped my sweater all the way down the front. But you know what, I don't mind, because love, love will tear us a cardigan.

That was great.

What did Captain Keef say when he saw the SS Bounty off the starboard bow?

"That's that ship I don't like"

What did the wookie order at the mexican restaurant?
A buRRRRRRRRito! (said by making a wookie sound instead of rolling your r's)

A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Larry, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd you."

A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Laura, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd ewe."

lol

mind blown

So, to boost morale, my philosophy department has decided to start having causal fridays.

How do you stop a german literature buff from choking?

Give them the heinrich mann oeuvre.

why was glenn gould always so busy?

because he had to play a lot of gigues.

high marks all

Why did Thom Yorke reject Liam Gallagher's donation of his own body parts for the school raffle?

Because Noel arms and nose are prizes, please

took me a while to get that one.

I'm writing an economic study about the workers at a chain hotdog stand in the UK.

It's called "The Welsh of Nathan's"

What was the gutter punk's favorite Steve Miller song

Fly like an oogle.

I dated a customs official once but in the end she had too much baggage.

i like it

You know, they say the gay rights movement started with the Stonewall Riots, but those are bullshit. Total false fag operation.

Slept with a ballerina last night. She was on point.

Submitted the following to a short-lived falafel spot on St. Mark's in a contest to name a dish:
'I let this chickpea in my mouth and now I falafel.'
Did not win.

falafel = feel awful is kind of an old standard but I like your twist

The causal fridays one upthread is too good.

ty, I liked your on point as well

Noel arms and nose are prizes is gonna haunt my thoughts for eternity tbh.

Q: What dancehall artist is #1 on pirate radio stations?

A: B-arrrrr-ington Levy.

So I ran into my friend the lingerie model the other day, and she was looking really sad. So I asked her "why the thong lace?"

Nice.

I asked my friend if he wanted to come w/ me to this German philosophy discussion but he told me he was busy and that he Kant Goethe anything tonight :(

like

Q: What's six foot three and purple?

A: René Aubergine

A: What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?
A: A brotozoa.

Whoops, sorry, "What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?" was supposed to be the A:

I have a condition you see

It was supposed to be the Q:

(...condition)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/307372_517836104906387_1641481268_n.jpg

Did you hear that Roger Waters just crashed his inflatable pig into London's tallest building?? I know it's wrong to laugh but eh, Shard and Floyd

ouch.

Don't suppose you heard his disastrous cover of Smooth Operator either then?

wow.

I hear certain 1970s hairstyles are back in fashion at the moment?
Yep, afros are big right now.

¡GOL! I'm actually gonna use that on irl.

Where do crust punks get those fashionable clothes?

American oogle

Why was the Met visitor so grateful to the one-armed, one-legged man for showing him around?

Because it had been a long time since he'd gotten a half-docent museum tour.

Q: Who is the greatest Ukrainian indie guitar goddess?
A: Mary Timoshenko