Depression and what it's really like

i haven't read dianetics -- mostly read descriptions of 'auditing' and it seems like it could possibly be a reasonable form of CBT, especially if it depersonalizes unwanted thought patterns as some outside, alien thing, not something to blame oneself for (though i doubt the xenu stuff comes into practice) it's weird to think of scientology as less stigmatizing than straight up therapy though.

Scientology is a scammy scam and its practices are designed to recruit vulnerable people and take their money; it really doesn't have any place in this thread.

xp That sounds horrible, and getting involved with a cult is not a great way to move on with your life. It's like replacing alcohol with heroin. In fact it's completely absurd!

i know someone with both serious mental health issues as well as serious physical health issues who was a scientologist for many years, and i can tell you right now that dianetics will only fuck you up further and there is absolutely no merit in even considering it as a viable option for treating depression.

what about unlicensed therapy in general, though? I get the feeling a lot of bartenders end up being ears for a lot of regulars.

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Reevaluation Co-counseling is similar to the therapy side of Scientology, without the aliens, but should probably be avoided just as much.

I've started looking into Drexel's social anxiety treatment program. Hopefully it's not students/faculty only and open to the general public.

I've also started lookin into school options, but it's rough- everything for "mature students" is shoved off onto satellite campuses and the courses are all business/IT/accounting shit. It's bad enough knowing I'll never have a real student life without the realization that getting a liberal arts education is no longer a possibility. I just feel I have to do something IMMEDIATELY because I've been putting off my life for so long, I'm running out of time (fucking 30 in 6 months) and I could not give less of as hit about my job and I can't take crying myself t sleep alone after another wasted day one more time.

The "real student life" thing is a total myth, dude. Don't let that figment stand in your way--what about all the people that work to put themselves through school a few classes at a time and never go to any events, or ppl who transfer from a community college, or are returning adult students changing careers, or anything outside the norm, which is normal dumb 19-year-olds who don't know anything yet? You wouldn't like most of those people anyway, and it wouldn't change you or fix your problems. Focus on learning stuff and connecting with people who are in your classes instead!

Also why would you have to take classes with other "mature students"? Can't you enroll in Philosophy Survey 101 if you want?

Hang in there, Tt, it's possible to get through this. I'm about to hit 30 and feel some of the same pressure. That motivation you have is key to solving this shit, but it's hard fucking work man. If you had a less than thrilling childhood make sure you get into a program or read up on abuse if you haven't ... understanding that stuff's helping me more than the usual Cure Social Anxiety in 30 Days! kinda shit. I was raised as the family trash can and grew up in a blue collar, kunckle-dragging beat 'em up kinda town, so working through that's been way more helpful than "learning how to be more confident" or whatever shit they tell ya about.

This book was helpful. I'm not sure I buy the dude's premise totally, but it helped me to figure some things out that aren't covered in the usual CBT/therapy canon. www.amzn.com/0757303234. There are also a whole load of websites out there that have been fairly useful, too. Are you seeing a therapist regularly?

oh yeah, if that link sounds like your cup of tea, I can ilxmail you a pdf.

Why wouldn't you be able to get a liberal arts education now? There are plenty of people 30 and over who have done so. Xpost

yeah my (late) grandfather did both BA and MA in liberal arts in his late 70s!

because it's all pointless. everything is pointless

Oh yeah?! I dare you to go on over to I Love Books and say that, Nhex. We'll reply, "So, who cares? The liberal arts are stimulating and fun. Go spit in somebody else's drink. We are happy here."

hehe

sorry, i crossed 30 a little while back and still haven't gotten off my duff to go back to school either so i am in tune with this particular despair

let's grouse about valentine's day

valentine's day goes off the rails and straight into train wreck territory sometime around puberty.

only if you let it, imo. for me nothing saps the spirit like christmas. i'm so glad the holidays (tm) are over for a nice long while.

I've never celebrated it, aside from making valentines for my friends and buying discount candy the day after, but it will be my first uncoupled one in awhile. But yes, Christmas is the soul-suckingest holiday.

Kids at my elementary school were hooking up in the 4th grade and Valentine's Day ceased to be about fun cards dropped in decorated milk cartons, punch, cupcakes....really early on. I can totally relate to the Charlie Brown Valentine's Day special. In high school girls were walking around with huge bouquets of flowers, bear and balloons. It was insane. They all got married or pregnant before 20 though so looking back there was serious courting going on. Valentine's became cool when I started making cards for friends.

My friend is throwing a potluck! Valentine's Day is saved! (Provided I don't have social anxiety and panic at the party. Fortunately this is a friend who is aware of and sensitive to my issues.)

And yeah, I remember kids in middle and high school getting balloons and candy grams and crap delivered to class. Why is that BS allowed? Totally disruptive & annoying.

carnations

Those are for funerals.

haha really? in my high school they were delivered to objects of affection. (i did not get any, sigh)

The only carnation I ever got was one my best friend got for me.

I wish to destroy everything with my mind right now. I dont know how to control all this bitter, bile filled rage I am feeling so I'm just turning it inward. Hoorah.

rage sucks away your time and energy. the best thing you can do is apply all that time and energy to something that's actually productive. then you can concentrate on what you're accomplishing instead of all that bile you feel.

Yeah I know thats what I need to do. The bitterness is eating me alive and it blows. I'm trying to focus on writing music but lately Ive fallen back in a hole a little. I'll just keep on getting back up til I stop falling down.

don't make the productive thing too high-stakes -- if making music means a lot to you and you're not getting the result you want, that can be a disaster for your self-esteem. "productive" = something fun that your whole identity is not wrapped up in.

I had to coach myself to stop worrying about being "productive" because it was becoming a toxic concept to me. I just aim to make good uses of my time, now.

my 'product' is avoiding despair

in some ways it is simple but in others very much not

part of the way i self-treat my depression is to set a series of small, easily accomplishable goals for myself, instead of letting myself get intimidated by the big picture. that's being "productive" for me -- knocking out those little goals. then i feel like more of a human being.

feeling like a human otm

there can be no humanity for anyone, ever

that is not true at all

isn't it though? isn't it

no. for better or worse, i am always a human being until i'm not

gb you make a great point abt the music re identity and achievement and that occurred to me too. so on Ns suggestion today we're just gonna clean the house, that always makes me feel less gross abt myself .

whoa N's gonna clean?

Haha :) We both did a pretty good team effort! That did cheer me up.

ugh yeah definite rage/bile/bitterness up in here the past two weeks

Picked up a copy of this:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0415998735/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00

to keep me busy; I'm going to go shopping for soldering irons and breadboards and shit over the weekend. Between this and Korean class, hopefully I can keep myself from stabbing my eyes out with promotional Uline pens during my 9-hour cubicle shift (where as of today, I no longer have line of sight to another human being or a window).

Shit, I started telling my therapist my life story and she started crying. I"m starting to realize things were fucked up for me way worse than I thought. I wish I just had depression at this point... damn. Good perspective shift: if you just have depression, you are very lucky and I am jealous of you.

ugh, forgive that, things are just crazy right now.

It's okay man. I feel lucky all the time: my condition's under control, my meds work; I've never been committed or attempted suicide; I'm not an addict; I'm not dead. You probably have things that you can feel lucky about too! Keep working.

there have been times in a group or individual therapy setting where I've described my past and my feelings, and people in the room have responded to the pain.

It's a weird thing. Somehow I want to reassure them that it really isn't that bad, lots of people had it worse; and yet, on the other hand, I'm grateful for the recognition.

This painful stuff is painful. Wrong stuff is wrong. People can see that on paper and feel that in their hearts. We, on the other hand, don't always know what to do with it.

Thanks silby. I know I have some things to feel lucky about, but it's weird coming from a rare and unpleasant background and have so few people understand what it's like. Adds a little to feeling like an outsider in your own community or something. I'm sure I'll get over it at some point.

Agree ZT. It's hard coming to terms with the reality of it, it's pretty painful and almost nonsensical. It's encouraging my therapist actually responded on an emotional level, literally the first time I've seen that in my almost 30 years of life... of course she's the first person I've ever told about this stuff. So much crap happened that was absolutely illegal! Like, my parents should've been thrown in prison for the shit they pulled... it's freakin' crazy to see it that way! At least it's progress. I'm pretty sure both my parents are sociopaths at this point, there's just something completely inhuman about it all.