goddammit therapist cancelled my appt today and I had to reschedule for next wednesday
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 1 February 2013 19:34 (eleven years ago) link
sorry to hear that. I think I said early that getting the mental health picture set is how I coped. one thing I'd strongly advise against is reading descriptions of what various therapies are "about" and picking based on whether you imagine yourself as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy partisan or whatever. Finding a therapist with whom you can build trust is everything imo. It doesn't really matter much what kind of therapy they're practicing. You are coping with stress & with a major adjustment. It takes a while, but accepting "I have to cope with this" as a starting point (as opposed to trying to find a cure - which you can also do! but it oughtn't be your focus imo, ymmv) will afford you much relief, or may. It did me. I still have two arms, two legs, and all my talents, such as they are, and I reminded myself of that shit for a good long while until, in conjunction w/heavy therapy, I felt better.
CBT is, as i understand it, p much the dominant mode of psychotherapy these days. focused more on what you feel and think now and what you're going to do about it, rather than what mommy and daddy did to you
grrrr ok if yr Archie Bunker I guess other therapeutic approaches are "what mommy and daddy did to you" but if yr actually interested in human behavior/response then strawmanning therapeutic modalities is maybe not a great look, ok off soapbox now
― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Friday, 1 February 2013 19:42 (eleven years ago) link
was looking forward to this first meeting regardless of the modality tbh, I was just eager to finally talk to someone who specializes in this kind of thing (my previous UCSF appt was with the audiologist, which was helpful, but that's different from a therapist). couldn't really find a kaiser therapist with any experience dealing specifically with tinnitus and the stress related to it etc
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 1 February 2013 19:52 (eleven years ago) link
I do feel like I am at least functional now, which is good, but emotionally/psychologically I am just not really in a good place
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 1 February 2013 19:54 (eleven years ago) link
see I would say never mind whether the therapist has a tinnitus specialty. mine had to look it up, it wasn't her deal at all, but that actually turned out to be a big plus: she was able to hear me describe why it was ruining my fuckin' life and translate my pretty heavily focused view of the situation into broader terms. tinnitus is its own deal, but essentially it's a huge life adjustment: that's one thing therapy's good for is getting perspective on dealing with life adjustments. To me, at present, I think of tinnitus as a gift; getting old is going to be full of "now my body does this thing it didn't used to do" adjustments. I have a head start on dealing w/that sort of thing now.
― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Friday, 1 February 2013 20:00 (eleven years ago) link
(nb I would trade the gift to not be hearing a tone all the time don't get me wrong but one benefit of it is I now also have some aches 'n' pains about which I said when they hit: "ha, nice try, you're not even in the same ballpark as a sudden constant whine")
― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Friday, 1 February 2013 20:01 (eleven years ago) link
hmm yeah I can see that. any thoughts on this q I posted earlier: does it just become easier to consciously ignore it (which seems to be what I expend a fair amount of my mental energy on these days) or does the unconcious mind take over at some point and tune it out?
cuz at the moment I feel like I have to tell myself to think about something else every 30 seconds or what have you
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 1 February 2013 20:05 (eleven years ago) link
it gets a lot easier to ignore - I barely notice it any more, ever. it certainly doesn't cost me any sleep. but part of that's on you imo. acceptance is a bear in this regard because it is not a thing you want to accept. but once you do - once you accept it like you accept plenty of other unfun realities - it gets a LOT easier
― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Saturday, 2 February 2013 17:11 (eleven years ago) link
ah acceptance. feel like I've already been through anger denial bargaining etc. lol
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Sunday, 3 February 2013 00:52 (eleven years ago) link
i can't believe someone hasn't already invented something that you can stick in your ear that emits a sound that would counteract this. but maybe that's not how tinnitus works. anyway my wife has had this off and on for years, exacerbated by her cancer treatment (she was given a platinum based drug that seemed to make it worse)
― akm, Sunday, 3 February 2013 00:56 (eleven years ago) link
yeah that's now how it works. there is no actual signal to counteract, it's more like a neurological disorder.
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Sunday, 3 February 2013 00:59 (eleven years ago) link
Aero otm. Its hard for me to know, bcz ive had it for so much of my life but its only during extreme stress/tiredness that it bugs me anymore.
― Manti and the Catfish (Trayce), Sunday, 3 February 2013 04:54 (eleven years ago) link
working on reminding myself that this is not so bad and I have everything I could ever want (home, family, job, creative outlet etc) but ugh feel like my body is generating stress-pain to give me something else to worry about instead of the tinnitus
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Monday, 4 February 2013 19:13 (eleven years ago) link
must... relax... somehow
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Monday, 4 February 2013 19:14 (eleven years ago) link
Good luck.
― Leopard Skin POLL-Box Hat (James Redd and the Blecchs), Monday, 4 February 2013 19:15 (eleven years ago) link
had my first mtg with the UCSF therapist today. as would be expected, I did most of the talking filling her in on my history etc. seems promising tho.
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:47 (eleven years ago) link
basically the idea is to focus on improving my overall quality of life/helping me cope, and not on somehow "curing" the tinnitus
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:48 (eleven years ago) link
nice! sounds positive, which is huge with all the dismissive responses that have come before.
― EZ Snappin, Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:50 (eleven years ago) link
that's great, Shakey
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:51 (eleven years ago) link
I have recently discovered that I have a minor case of tinnitus, so I've been reading this thread with interest. It hasn't really negatively effected my life in any way yet, but I am concerned about it getting worse.
In any case, this is highly subjective and maybe placebo, but I try to do a short daily meditation practice for other reasons and I've noticed that it seems to help with the tinnitus.
― ryan, Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:52 (eleven years ago) link
but I am concerned about it getting worse
fwiw from what the pros have told me, tinnitus tends to not be a progressive thing
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:56 (eleven years ago) link
which is huge with all the dismissive responses that have come before
with the kaiser therapists, they mostly seemed concerned about identifying other problems that might have either led to the tinnitus or been stress factors in and of themselves. but I honestly feel like the tinnitus is the sole source of my problems (insomnia, upper back pain, depression, etc.) - I didn't have any of these problems before, and this therapist clearly grasped that, talked a bit about how any serious physical condition can be (and often is) the source of all these other problems, and that the key is learning how to deal with/cope with the physical condition itself.
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 20:59 (eleven years ago) link
which has obviously been a real problem for me
anyway, my "homework" is to make a list of things I enjoy doing despite the tinnitus (I guess this rules out "smoking weed" since I can't handle that anymore lol)
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 21:00 (eleven years ago) link
that sounds like the beginning of progress to me!
"ILXing" at the top of yr list :)
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 21:02 (eleven years ago) link
does commiserating count?
― EZ Snappin, Wednesday, 6 February 2013 21:05 (eleven years ago) link
felt like I had a couple almost-okay days this weekend (there was even a brief period where I didn't think about it at all) and then ugh came down with a cold the last couple days and just feel fucked now. normally I would just take a day off and sleep and rest but I can't take ambien all day which means I basically don't sleep until nighttime and even then it's just the typical 6 hours or so agh
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 14 February 2013 00:41 (eleven years ago) link
oh yeah man a cold will jack that shit straight up. but once you're well again it sounds like you're on the road to adjustment, which is awesome!
― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Thursday, 14 February 2013 01:05 (eleven years ago) link
I hope so. I feel like having committed to therapy improved my outlook just by making me feel like I'm being proactive about it, that here is something I can do that will help me, over time. It was kinda demoralizing hearing so much "welp nothin we can do for ya" from various medical pros.
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 14 February 2013 01:18 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2278523/Pensioner-suffering-rare-medical-condition-endures-years-sleepless-nights-hears-How-Much-Doggie-Window-loop-head.html
― 乒乓, Thursday, 14 February 2013 15:57 (eleven years ago) link
so, could be worse I guess yikes
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 14 February 2013 17:41 (eleven years ago) link
it's weird how I feel like I am consciously training my brain to prioritize sources of sound in any given environment. like I will be sitting on the couch and thinking "okay, I hear 1) my baby gurgling, 2) the traffic outside, 3) my daughter running water in the tub, 4) music from downstairs - ringing in my ear is at the bottom of this list, pay attention to all these other things first"
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 14 February 2013 18:32 (eleven years ago) link
ugh my sleep has just been fucked for like a week now, waking up at 3am every night. makes every day seem so long. I know that I will (am getting?) better but I'm so tired of every day being an endurance test.
― Welcome to my world of proses (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 00:14 (eleven years ago) link
Saw MBV recently, and despite very great care with high end earplugs and fingers in ears, the "holocaust note" (ugh must it be called that) has ramped up my tinnitus a bit. I expected as much.
Re that daily mail article, Oliver Sacks mentions similar aural hallucinations/loops in one of his books "man who mistook his wife for a hat" I think, and possibly also in "musicophilia". It can be related to epileptic/stroke type brain activity iirc.
― a kissed out red popemobile (Trayce), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 01:07 (eleven years ago) link
is it sad or awesome that sleeping for 7 hours in a row feels like a massive accomplishment
― Donkamole Marvin (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 20:38 (eleven years ago) link
it is awesome without even the tiniest trace of sad, you need to embrace that man
― available for sporting events (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:14 (eleven years ago) link
yes embrace that man
(sorry)
baby steps, shakey <3 and sleep rules
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:17 (eleven years ago) link
I went to an ear doctor yesterday to talk about my tinnitus and it was such a huge waste of time. I want my 40$ copay back.
― pun lovin criminal (polyphonic), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:20 (eleven years ago) link
take 2 aspirin and never darken my door again
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:23 (eleven years ago) link
did yr tinnitus come back poly...? you mentioned it upthread but it sounded like a temporary thing. and yeah in my exp ear doctors not so good with this. personally, it's been much more productive to see a therapist.
― Donkamole Marvin (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:30 (eleven years ago) link
Yeah it comes and goes for me but the last few weeks have been pretty rough.
― pun lovin criminal (polyphonic), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:35 (eleven years ago) link
oof sorry to hear that. doctors can be good at identifying causes and prescribing drugs if its warranted, but helping you cope doesn't seem to be their specialty. do you have any hearing loss or any other identifiable cause...? (not that that will make it go away, but it will help you get your head around it)
― Donkamole Marvin (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:49 (eleven years ago) link
I've had a history of ear infections but so far I don't think hearing loss is a major issue. I mean, I'm sure I've fucked my ears pretty bad with headphones and loud music but I can still hear.
― pun lovin criminal (polyphonic), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 21:51 (eleven years ago) link
I've been told this could be a precursor to hearing loss - and I've fucked with my ears over the years too (performing, recording, etc.) - but so far none for me yet. does yours seem to be triggered by anything in particular? or does it get worse if you're listening to something loud etc?
― Donkamole Marvin (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 22:08 (eleven years ago) link
I have some triggers. I think higher-frequency sounds exacerbate the problem. The specific frequency of mouse-clicking has this awful cumulative effect. Nasal congestion issues can send me into a week-long ringing session. Marijuana had been making things worse lately so I quit using. Trying to drink less coffee/caffeine as a test, get more exercise, etc.
― pun lovin criminal (polyphonic), Wednesday, 20 February 2013 22:15 (eleven years ago) link
well, back on the trazodone and sleeping 5-6 hrs followed by a couple hours of restless sleep. which tbf is much better than that 4 hours of sleep shit when I had that cold. tinnitus is unchanged but with rest it's a little easier to just do my daily shit and enjoy things. I do find myself continually wondering how long it will be before I can phase out some of these management things like taking sleeping pills and wearing earbuds at work and shit like that... something to discuss with my therapist I guess. on the plus side I don't feel as stressed out or anxious about it, but it does still occupy my thoughts more than I'd like.
― Donkamole Marvin (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, 26 February 2013 17:50 (eleven years ago) link
gah 4 hrs of sleep the last couple nights. must remember: time is on my side
― Donkamole Marvin (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 1 March 2013 18:22 (eleven years ago) link
Oof. But it sounds like things are gradually improving overall, at least...?
― Tarfumes The Escape Goat, Friday, 1 March 2013 19:24 (eleven years ago) link
so it's been a weird couple of weeks, lots of ups and downs. I went four nights in a row with four hours of sleep each, freaked out cuz the ambien basically seemed to no longer be working. my therapist told me to increase the dosage of trazodone and see if I could get to sleep on that, and then if I woke up in the middle of the night to alternate taking the ambien or ativan to get back to sleep. seemed like my insomnia was being driven more by anxiety than by the tinnitus... anyway after a few nights of that crazy drug cocktail it turned out I could get to sleep on just the trazodone alone, and even though I still wake up several times a night, I can get back to sleep without anything else and still feel rested in the morning. oh, and I took up jogging. since then my outlook has improved a lot, it feels a bit easier to deal with the tinnitus. Falling asleep was really the one remaining thing it was (and sometimes still is) really interfering with - otherwise I can do everything else I used to do before this set in. But man, yeah I need sleep to maintain any semblance of normalcy, it's really clear.
anyway, for those who were wondering. this thread is sort of like a diary for me.
― his girlfriend was all 'ugh and he wears a solar backpack' (Shakey Mo Collier), Monday, 18 March 2013 16:27 (eleven years ago) link
That's a fine update. I'm happy to hear some normalcy is returning. Keep fighting the good fight.
― EZ Snappin, Monday, 18 March 2013 16:33 (eleven years ago) link
it's weird... if I'm rested and busy I can keep it in the background to a certain extent, or if there's enough other sounds around me to drown it out. quiet situations are still kinda hard.
― his girlfriend was all 'ugh and he wears a solar backpack' (Shakey Mo Collier), Monday, 18 March 2013 16:36 (eleven years ago) link