Shakey Mo's thread of misery

goin back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off w babby. the tinnitus grind continues ... habituation process can be quite lengthy, apparently.

*sigh*

trying to get an appointment with one of UCSF's therapists who specializes in tinnitus... with babby I am worried about getting enough sleep, de-stressing.

I really want to talk with them more about the habituation process and how the unconscious/conscious aspects of it work. like I get that on the conscious level I need to work on not letting it bother me etc. but at the unconscious level what goes on... does the brain just gradually learn to unconsciously tune it out, and then you only hear it when you consciously think about it...? or something? and I assume that that's impacted by how well your managing it consciously, but it's pretty hard for me to constantly, consciously thinking "DON'T THINK ABOUT THIS". urgh all so perplexing.

I would assume it's similar to how you can't smell something weird after breathing it for 5 mins, but I am not a doctor.

right. I just feel like it's taking so long. was bummed to learn that the habituation process can take "anywhere from a few months to 1-2 years"

I sorry, Shakes. :(

I cling to the notion that no matter what this will get better, this is just my lot to to endure and one day I'll look back on this and think wtf that was crazy

one day I will be over this

Hope you do Shakey, that's the spirit! (Had a mild temporary case of ringing-ear myself for a while myself last night & thought of this thread)

Stay strong, Shakey.

chronic back pain from the stress of this the last week or so... find myself wondering, does it just become easier to consciously ignore it (which seems to be what I expend a fair amount of my mental energy on these days) or does the unconcious mind take over at some point and tune it out? The preoccupation with it is the real problem.

seeing one of UCSF's "cognitive behavioral" therapists on Friday. I am not sure what that means.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

CBT is, as i understand it, p much the dominant mode of psychotherapy these days. focused more on what you feel and think now and what you're going to do about it, rather than what mommy and daddy did to you

as this thing hit out of nowhere, they are probably the better people to talk to. hope it goes well!

my dad bought me a bag of sexist fortune cookies. other than that, he's an upstanding guy

Cochrane reviews have found no evidence that CBT is effective for tinnitus, although there appears to be an effect on management of associated depression and quality of life in this condition

yeah I need this

jeez keep yo head up shakey mo, just posted some bay area rapps & thought of u

goddammit therapist cancelled my appt today and I had to reschedule for next wednesday

sorry to hear that. I think I said early that getting the mental health picture set is how I coped. one thing I'd strongly advise against is reading descriptions of what various therapies are "about" and picking based on whether you imagine yourself as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy partisan or whatever. Finding a therapist with whom you can build trust is everything imo. It doesn't really matter much what kind of therapy they're practicing. You are coping with stress & with a major adjustment. It takes a while, but accepting "I have to cope with this" as a starting point (as opposed to trying to find a cure - which you can also do! but it oughtn't be your focus imo, ymmv) will afford you much relief, or may. It did me. I still have two arms, two legs, and all my talents, such as they are, and I reminded myself of that shit for a good long while until, in conjunction w/heavy therapy, I felt better.

CBT is, as i understand it, p much the dominant mode of psychotherapy these days. focused more on what you feel and think now and what you're going to do about it, rather than what mommy and daddy did to you

grrrr ok if yr Archie Bunker I guess other therapeutic approaches are "what mommy and daddy did to you" but if yr actually interested in human behavior/response then strawmanning therapeutic modalities is maybe not a great look, ok off soapbox now

was looking forward to this first meeting regardless of the modality tbh, I was just eager to finally talk to someone who specializes in this kind of thing (my previous UCSF appt was with the audiologist, which was helpful, but that's different from a therapist). couldn't really find a kaiser therapist with any experience dealing specifically with tinnitus and the stress related to it etc

I do feel like I am at least functional now, which is good, but emotionally/psychologically I am just not really in a good place

see I would say never mind whether the therapist has a tinnitus specialty. mine had to look it up, it wasn't her deal at all, but that actually turned out to be a big plus: she was able to hear me describe why it was ruining my fuckin' life and translate my pretty heavily focused view of the situation into broader terms. tinnitus is its own deal, but essentially it's a huge life adjustment: that's one thing therapy's good for is getting perspective on dealing with life adjustments. To me, at present, I think of tinnitus as a gift; getting old is going to be full of "now my body does this thing it didn't used to do" adjustments. I have a head start on dealing w/that sort of thing now.

(nb I would trade the gift to not be hearing a tone all the time don't get me wrong but one benefit of it is I now also have some aches 'n' pains about which I said when they hit: "ha, nice try, you're not even in the same ballpark as a sudden constant whine")

hmm yeah I can see that. any thoughts on this q I posted earlier: does it just become easier to consciously ignore it (which seems to be what I expend a fair amount of my mental energy on these days) or does the unconcious mind take over at some point and tune it out?

cuz at the moment I feel like I have to tell myself to think about something else every 30 seconds or what have you

it gets a lot easier to ignore - I barely notice it any more, ever. it certainly doesn't cost me any sleep. but part of that's on you imo. acceptance is a bear in this regard because it is not a thing you want to accept. but once you do - once you accept it like you accept plenty of other unfun realities - it gets a LOT easier

ah acceptance. feel like I've already been through anger denial bargaining etc. lol

i can't believe someone hasn't already invented something that you can stick in your ear that emits a sound that would counteract this. but maybe that's not how tinnitus works. anyway my wife has had this off and on for years, exacerbated by her cancer treatment (she was given a platinum based drug that seemed to make it worse)

yeah that's now how it works. there is no actual signal to counteract, it's more like a neurological disorder.

Aero otm. Its hard for me to know, bcz ive had it for so much of my life but its only during extreme stress/tiredness that it bugs me anymore.

working on reminding myself that this is not so bad and I have everything I could ever want (home, family, job, creative outlet etc) but ugh feel like my body is generating stress-pain to give me something else to worry about instead of the tinnitus

must... relax... somehow

Good luck.

had my first mtg with the UCSF therapist today. as would be expected, I did most of the talking filling her in on my history etc. seems promising tho.

basically the idea is to focus on improving my overall quality of life/helping me cope, and not on somehow "curing" the tinnitus

nice! sounds positive, which is huge with all the dismissive responses that have come before.

that's great, Shakey

I have recently discovered that I have a minor case of tinnitus, so I've been reading this thread with interest. It hasn't really negatively effected my life in any way yet, but I am concerned about it getting worse.

In any case, this is highly subjective and maybe placebo, but I try to do a short daily meditation practice for other reasons and I've noticed that it seems to help with the tinnitus.

but I am concerned about it getting worse

fwiw from what the pros have told me, tinnitus tends to not be a progressive thing

which is huge with all the dismissive responses that have come before

with the kaiser therapists, they mostly seemed concerned about identifying other problems that might have either led to the tinnitus or been stress factors in and of themselves. but I honestly feel like the tinnitus is the sole source of my problems (insomnia, upper back pain, depression, etc.) - I didn't have any of these problems before, and this therapist clearly grasped that, talked a bit about how any serious physical condition can be (and often is) the source of all these other problems, and that the key is learning how to deal with/cope with the physical condition itself.

which has obviously been a real problem for me

anyway, my "homework" is to make a list of things I enjoy doing despite the tinnitus (I guess this rules out "smoking weed" since I can't handle that anymore lol)

that sounds like the beginning of progress to me!

"ILXing" at the top of yr list :)

does commiserating count?

felt like I had a couple almost-okay days this weekend (there was even a brief period where I didn't think about it at all) and then ugh came down with a cold the last couple days and just feel fucked now. normally I would just take a day off and sleep and rest but I can't take ambien all day which means I basically don't sleep until nighttime and even then it's just the typical 6 hours or so agh

oh yeah man a cold will jack that shit straight up. but once you're well again it sounds like you're on the road to adjustment, which is awesome!

I hope so. I feel like having committed to therapy improved my outlook just by making me feel like I'm being proactive about it, that here is something I can do that will help me, over time. It was kinda demoralizing hearing so much "welp nothin we can do for ya" from various medical pros.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2278523/Pensioner-suffering-rare-medical-condition-endures-years-sleepless-nights-hears-How-Much-Doggie-Window-loop-head.html

so, could be worse I guess yikes

it's weird how I feel like I am consciously training my brain to prioritize sources of sound in any given environment. like I will be sitting on the couch and thinking "okay, I hear 1) my baby gurgling, 2) the traffic outside, 3) my daughter running water in the tub, 4) music from downstairs - ringing in my ear is at the bottom of this list, pay attention to all these other things first"

ugh my sleep has just been fucked for like a week now, waking up at 3am every night. makes every day seem so long. I know that I will (am getting?) better but I'm so tired of every day being an endurance test.

Saw MBV recently, and despite very great care with high end earplugs and fingers in ears, the "holocaust note" (ugh must it be called that) has ramped up my tinnitus a bit. I expected as much.

Re that daily mail article, Oliver Sacks mentions similar aural hallucinations/loops in one of his books "man who mistook his wife for a hat" I think, and possibly also in "musicophilia". It can be related to epileptic/stroke type brain activity iirc.

is it sad or awesome that sleeping for 7 hours in a row feels like a massive accomplishment

it is awesome without even the tiniest trace of sad, you need to embrace that man

yes embrace that man

(sorry)

baby steps, shakey <3 and sleep rules