Depression and what it's really like

never prevented them from making the same mistake multiple times, either.

i actually came to this thread to vent about how i am currently gnarled up in myself and the problem that is me that I am even more than usual afraid of emotions, such that i have got to the point where acknowledging that I have feelings makes me cry, and so i don't do it, because what kind of crazy person reacts to the question "how's it going?" by crying, when "how's it going" isn't even a question but a generalised phatic noise that people make.

so, i guess, i have 0 room to talk and totally feel you on the "how can this person talk to me again when i am a crying mess over stray comments" thing, but in my experience - and this isn't the first time i've got like this - saying something like "sorry about the hysterical crying, things are kind of overwhelming right now" tends to smooth stuff over ok.

TT: Yeah work makes things harder for sure, especially if your job doesn't energize you (my old one sure didn't) but start really small. Figure out the first steps to doing what you want to do and only do that, and try to feel proud when you do it. And then figure out the next step. When I was first trying that out, I had to go slow and thought that at that rate I'd never accomplish anything, but the momentum shocked me and by the end of the year, I'd done way more than I thought possible. Hope this doesn't sound too much like self-help BS, but your situation sounds so similar to mine that I figured the same thing might work for you.

xp I wish I had the darraghmac knack of thinking of something dry and clever that showed solidarity and sympathy while also flipping to a humorous side but I am Earnest Bot and can only say I hope you un-gnarl, I hope you find a physical or mental environment that is conducive to un-gnarling and you can get through and out of this painful or sad or angry part.

TT, I want to echo what c sharp says. I'm in my late 40s, full-time job, married, two kids, and I can tell you, I'm still in exploratory (and hopefully growing) mode, I'm still staying up late with friends talking books or playing music, and I definitely don't feel like I ever want to stop any of this if I can help it. Frankly, it's the only way I know how to be. I don't think "settling" down equates to settling for a stultifying existence.

Regret is both a tyrant and a liar. By keeping you attached to what could have been, it seeks to rob you of what is and what can be, and it makes you denigrate your own life as it is. I know, believe me. Tell it to fuck off and leave you be. You still have a life, so much life, to live.

I'm supposed to be a responsible adult despite having this gaping fucking hole in the middle of my life.

As a rule of thumb, whenever I see a sentence that starts with "I'm supposed to be..." I find that the remainder of the sentence consists of an expectation imposed upon the person speaking, which the speaker would be much better off disregarding entirely. You must ask yourself, who is doing this supposing, and why?

Others do not live your life and so they cannot know the depth of your feelings or the dimensions of your need. That means their expectations are grounded in pardonable ignorance - and ignorant expectations ought not be in the driver's seat, steering your life away from what is important to your happiness.

i like silby's thoughts in this thread- among other, obv- c#m too, aimless almost always. everyone!

i like that i recognise a lot of the thought patterns people describe in this thread- it reminds me that this shit is normal. it's normal. it's normal. this state of being we're currently forced through until something better comes along often seems to me to be just one confusing decision after another, with hardly any training, warning or useful information, with outcomes that are either terrifyingly murky or murkily terrifying, or both, or i don't know what. how the hell is it normal for a person to hold any concept of their bewildering place in this onrushing present that so rapidly resolves into a ?wtf was that? past. that person who can get through the day, any day, without regrets or the road-less-travelled wonderings or whatever- i don't know if i could recognise a person who exists like that (and i know loads of them!) as 'normal'. they're alien to me. tomorrow keeps me awake most tonights.

i don't suffer from depression, i don't think. but i do think these thoughts, constantly, have these regrets, constantly, feel that my stupid self is holding back my other self who's really quite bright and capable, constantly. feel that there's no way to ever recover from the historical stupidity of my stupid self- sorry bout that future self. i hope that makes anyone with anything like these thoughts -and i hope not to be too presumptuous in at least feeling myself some recognition in some of the posts above- feel a little more normal.

also i random spotted this absolute gem, and i mean cmon folks give it up.

does this mean i can drink energy drinks with impunity?

― thread lock holiday (Noodle Vague), Friday, 12 October 2012 08:14 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

if the gp asks if you're still playing fm as hull, are you gonna answer truthfully?

― Randy Carol (darraghmac), Friday, 12 October 2012 10:21 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

if energy drinks are going to help get the job done then by all means drink them with impunity, whatever it takes is my motto.

― estela, Friday, 12 October 2012 12:04 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

estela agreeing with nv on what they both know to be a small evil - imp-unity

― Randy Carol (darraghmac), Friday, 12 October 2012 12:07 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

imp-unity do you SEE

:s energy drinks are just too expensive for something that's not going to deaden my brain

on a brighter note i made it thru a whole week back at work on time and looking vaguely efficient yay me victory for the forces of apathy

in the debit column is pretty much everything else but sacrifices must be made for the greater goo

hmmm, think i finally cracked it. apparently being rejected by your parents screws ya up ... whodathunkit. now i wish i just had depression. i'm not sure my current therapist is equipped to deal with this.

ah crap, i'll be alright.

Word.

wait why do you wish you had depression?

just had. as in, if it weren't two things to deal with. i'll be fine, though, i've made more progress than i realize.

oh! why do you consider them distinct things?

depression is never *just* depression though, is it?

sorry if I am being naive

i'm sorry, too, for my posts looking like they were generated by ELIZA

>why do you feel sorry, Philip Nunez ?

>We were discussing you, not me.

A well-written first-person account:

http://noahpinionblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-few-thoughts-on-depression.html

pretty good

I've held it at bay for a while now because I was feeling really optimistic about turning things around, but I'm into month three of looking for a job (ANY job) and almost out of money and treating the job search like a full time job unto itself...but I haven't even gotten an interview. I'll be the first to admit that I'm bad at this shit, but I've been putting in a real effort for absolutely no payoff whatsoever. Earlier this week, a recruiter wouldn't even entertain the idea of putting me up for a job that was similar to but actually somewhat below my last job because knowing how to do and fielding questions from others about the job in question aparently doesn't matter as much as actually having done the job in question. And I think that was kind of a breaking point because I feel like my body is made of lead now and everything feels hopeless and my circuitous thought patterns keep coming back to the idea that it's maybe just time to hang it up, like, if even McDonald's thinks you're beneath them. I don't know how much gas I have left in the tank.

eveyone i know who got a job got it through nepotism (plus anyone i ever read about getting a job), so maybe tweak your strategy (i'd suggest more nepotism) but don't get the idea that mcdonald's is any kind of arbiter of human value.

Yeah, it'd be great if I knew anyone with job openings at their place of work. I sank low enough to look into a job at my last place of work (which I HATED but at least left on good terms) but it seems like everyone I knew there has also gotten fed up and left.

what kind of work do you want to be doing? is it possible to freelance your way into a more permanent position?

http://gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net/8019B6/data.tumblr.com/42011813f6b740220d88be15f30bb362/tumblr_mgwvw7SRC81qz6f9yo1_500.gif

There's an indistinct point in between clinical depression and melancholia. The nights get longer and sleep gets more painful. The jokes get less funny and more ugly. A minor misunderstanding turns to rage.

Oh God, I need a drink. Oh yeah, I already had one. It was the last time I was drinking and the couple of nights in between then and now that proves the point.

I'm in danger of realizing I'm already depressed. How do I know if recognizing and changing the thought process is a positive step back to stability, or a denial leading back to something or other?

Thinking about being better in the short term is part of the process of being better in the long term. I think.

Short term goals are the way to go. Hope you feel better soon :)

mooks: You could have come out on Fri. :(

Want to meet up tomorrow? I'll email.

Best wishes ZT.

In the UK and considering private counselling rather than bothering the NHS again, for various reasons. Anyone know how best to find a good one, whether it's reasonable to ask for appointments outside office hours, how much I could expect to pay?

(Fear I might need to be sitting down to read that last answer.)

I wasn't sure if I realllly needed to do this but whenever I try to think through what I would say to set the scene in an introductory session I burst into tears, so I guess that's a sign something needs to happen.

Unfortunately after 15+ years of feeling like a sad lost fuckup I never managed to narrow down exactly what the problem is and after a few previous attempts I'm low on hope that I can get anywhere. These things seem to work best if you can walk in with a specific list of symptoms and have the counsellor go "you are clearly afraid of x ever since y" and you go "wow, you're exactly right, now draw up the ten-step plan", rather than "well, I've never really felt that specific fear any more strongly than 6000 others, but... I guess, if it might help, I'll agree I'm a case of whatever you wrote your thesis on?"

I had a really good experience going through Mind; appointments in the evening, 20 quid a session (I think you're supposed to pay what you can/think is reasonable). That's the only therapy I've done so I can't really compare it to anything else, but it worked well for me. I should probably look at going back tbh.
Good luck!

When I was much younger and at an age when depression was closer to me than now, one method I had for keeping it compartmentalized was keeping a journal and writing in it frequently, sometimes multiple times a day. otoh, I was not a personality type that is prone to deep depression, so this mild approach was helpful for my relatively mild symptoms. It did keep me from drinking quite so much.

Thank you, chamber. Was that 1:1?

Maybe a journal would help. Again, probably works better if you know what the One True Problem to be worked through is, but it's a lot cheaper than therapy if you can't narrow it down.

on the contrary, writing down your scattered thoughts can help, even if you don't know what you're writing about

it's possible to figure it out spacecadet, thoughts and feelings don't come from nothing and aren't infinite. there's usually a pretty limited place, theme, reason where it's coming from ... it just takes work and introspection to suss it all out. a therapist can def help with that, even just talking about the feelings themselves can sometimes push things forward because it forces you to organize everything for an audience.

i spent most of my life wandering around completely confused about everything, thinking i was some unique screw up, my life was doomed, etc., but after two years of work and 3 months of therapy, things are starting to make a hell of a lot more sense and feel genuine hope about it all. but yeah, there's no one true problem, shit's messy and complicated and takes a lot of work and effort to get through. at least that's been the case with me, but it's worth it. it's possible, just for the sake that we're pretty limited in our thinking and feelings, so you can figure out what's going on.

It was 1:1, I just got in touch with the local branch (they have different ones for London boroughs, it could be different elsewhere) spoke to a counsellor about some of the things I thought were wrong, and whether it was the sort of things they could help with and took it from there. I was actually seeing an art therapist which I was pretty sceptical about but she wasn't at all pushy about it, and I did find myself getting into painting as part of the sessions.

Anyway depression thread, I've spent the whole weekend knowing that I've been too depressed to drink, yet incapable of even thinking of coping with said depression without drinking. Hoping I can finish this wine and be in bed by 10 and tomorrow will just be fine.

Right now I'm staring at the clock at 8.25am, trying to work out a reason why I should bother going to work, or bother doing anything at all ever again.

So you won't dig yourself too deep a hole to get out of once this feeling passes?

Precisely the thing that forced me out of the house, yeah. I thought of sitting there all day, knew that would be even worse, and got on with it.

I feel like utter shit. But it is circumstantial, and partly my own fault, and I guess I'll get over it sooner or later. Sigh.

:(

Im just sick of the uncontrollable wobbly-lower-lip thing happening 32423x a day at work.

Unfortunately after 15+ years of feeling like a sad lost fuckup I never managed to narrow down exactly what the problem is and after a few previous attempts I'm low on hope that I can get anywhere. These things seem to work best if you can walk in with a specific list of symptoms and have the counsellor go "you are clearly afraid of x ever since y" and you go "wow, you're exactly right, now draw up the ten-step plan", rather than "well, I've never really felt that specific fear any more strongly than 6000 others, but... I guess, if it might help, I'll agree I'm a case of whatever you wrote your thesis on?"

Obviously everyone is different, but personally I found that counselling, while seeming sort of innocuous at the time, if still worthwhile, seemed to help me in ways I can't really put my finger on in the months that followed. I sort of had some specific symptoms but the counsellor didn't draw conclusions or give me any direct opinions of his own, just let me talk about how I felt really. though my problems were sort of based around fallout from health issues, they had sort of grown hard to separate in this way.

IME he/she wouldn't give you a solution or diagnose you as such, you'd explain how you feel and you'd explain when you feel that way and you would talk and some things might become more clear to you.

I think clarity is sort of what it can bring, a discovery of things that you need to do or things that make you happy that you hadn't realised are important. (personally I found counselling let me say aloud and really embrace the fact that I love doing things on my own and spending time alone, which has made this a real outlet, as I have always been extroverted to an extent.)

I personally found that just acknowledging to myself that I had the right to counselling and that I was unhappy was a big step, counselling wasn't a silver bullet but even 12 weeks at the start of January 2012 (which were quite painful at the time) had me thinking "how the fuck did this year improve so much" by the end.

I suppose the point I'm trying to offer is that you don't necessarily need to have perfect goals or ideas or even to fully work through all your issues - even a small improvement can yield real benefits. That's my experience. I probably could have done more counselling and I'm sure at some point I will, but the little I did made a major difference and rewired me in a way that has lasted.

entering counseling was a turning point for me. no matter what i tried to figure out on my own, there's something about talking to somebody about this stuff that makes a huge difference.

Unfortunately after 15+ years of feeling like a sad lost fuckup I never managed to narrow down exactly what the problem is and after a few previous attempts I'm low on hope that I can get anywhere

in what ways do you think you are a fuckup?

i wouldn't answer that til i know what she charges APS

entering counseling was a turning point for me. no matter what i tried to figure out on my own, there's something about talking to somebody about this stuff that makes a huge difference.

you just can't get clarity on some things - lots of blind alleys and emotional loops.

i'd settle for them landing me with a less-clear fog that steered me towards productivity

it's weird, as i'm overcoming this stuff i feel like i'm losing my personality a little. maybe i'm just drained and raw from dealing with years of pent-up emotional trauma and trying to rebuild my life, but i feel sorta like a dead fish right now. i hope this doesn't last forever.

i also feel like i have to keep this secret from everyone, so people don't know why i'm in this sorta mellow, washed out state. it's a little frustrating. i don't think i could tell people, "yeah, i had the type of parents who tried to kill me when i was a kid and i'm in a heavy place right now, i'm still cool with y'all".