Depression and what it's really like

spectrum, unless you find yourself personally guided through the underworld and purgatory by the shade of the poet Virgil, just figure that you'll pick up clues about the way forward from a lot of odd places, and discard quite a few along the way after you've sucked what you could out of them and they got shriveled and used up in the process.

Just remember to use your hard-won self knowledge to increase your compassion toward others, who are often just as mired down, confused, bashed about, or lost as you.

aimless will u be my spirit guide

if you take every lefthand turning without fail, you can wander in circles at little or no expense; this would probably be simpler and more direct than following my lead on such matters, as I tend to veer about much less predictably.

I think I just ruined everything with my only close friend in the city by letting something totally innocuous she said set me off hysterically crying for a few minutes. I'm trying to hold it together but with my 30th fucking birthday coming up in August it kind of feels pointless now. All the experiences I was desperate to get out of Alabama and over my social anxiety/depression for are never going to happen now, so why should I give a shit?

Sorry you're going through this rough spot, Telephone thing. Is it at all possible that (a) you didn't in fact ruin your friendship for good (your phrase "I think" suggests so); or that, regardless of the former, (b) you may still be able to figure out ways to create experiences of the type you were looking forward to?

I dunno- she hasn't responded to my email and in not going to push it.

As for the other stuff, I'm pushing 30 and I'm less experienced in practically everything than the average person ten years younger than me. I totally missed out on doing anything during my college years and early 20s by being so afraid of being judged or excluded or hurt that I barely left my apartment and I just feel like I'll never get any time to just do normal young adult shit. I want to go out dancing and make mistakes and spend hours talking music or books and just exploring for a while, figuring out who I am and what I want to do, but it's too late now and I'm supposed to be a responsible adult despite having this gaping fucking hole in the middle of my life. I can barely pass through University City without crying my eyes out anymore

Hey TT, sorry things are shitty. I had a similar experience to you - barely tried anything new or crazy during college and early 20s, made very few new friends - because I was scared of people thinking I was uncool or whatever. Just turned 31 and it's only in the past year I'm finally doing stuff I always wanted to do but thought I couldn't/shouldn't. Therapy got me to that point, but I hope you realize it's seriously never too late to act how you want to act, or to figure out what you want/who you are. I think it's a lifelong process anyhow, and there's no right way for people of a certain age to act. Hell, my mom is pushing 60 and she's having a similar experience to me right now. It's great to hear how excited she is that she drove to the city for the first time by herself. :D

But how can I do that with a job that takes up 10 hours a day? No matter what I do I can't pick up my life where I left off, and everyone I know that's my age has long since gotten it out of their system and settled down into a real career or started a family.

and maybe when they're 40 they'll have a freak-out about being too settled and need to get it out of their system once more, and maybe they won't, maybe they'll just grow and change through their lives.

it is easy to romanticise "making mistakes" but I have looked back at past mistakes I could have made and was too shit-scared to, and frankly I'm glad of at least half of them. There are a lot of bullets I dodged by being hyper-afraid of potential bullets. We have a lot of personal freedom, as human beings, and so we spend a lot of time telling ourselves that a bunch of stuff is mandatory and essential and must-have, and that if we only get that mandatory/essential/must-have thing into our lives we will be better for it, and if we haven't got that mandatory/essential/must-have thing in our lives we will always be incomplete, and frankly it's bullshit.

you can still go out dancing and get your heart broken and work out what you want to do at age 30! even with a demanding job! you can still do that stuff at 50, 60, 70, whenever. we've romanticised "your twenties" as a time for working out who you are but frankly society only made that one up recently. it's not like you get to a specific age and suddenly who you are is a fixed and immutable fact.

having "more experience" in all that young adult shit never made anyone i know a better person.

never prevented them from making the same mistake multiple times, either.

i actually came to this thread to vent about how i am currently gnarled up in myself and the problem that is me that I am even more than usual afraid of emotions, such that i have got to the point where acknowledging that I have feelings makes me cry, and so i don't do it, because what kind of crazy person reacts to the question "how's it going?" by crying, when "how's it going" isn't even a question but a generalised phatic noise that people make.

so, i guess, i have 0 room to talk and totally feel you on the "how can this person talk to me again when i am a crying mess over stray comments" thing, but in my experience - and this isn't the first time i've got like this - saying something like "sorry about the hysterical crying, things are kind of overwhelming right now" tends to smooth stuff over ok.

TT: Yeah work makes things harder for sure, especially if your job doesn't energize you (my old one sure didn't) but start really small. Figure out the first steps to doing what you want to do and only do that, and try to feel proud when you do it. And then figure out the next step. When I was first trying that out, I had to go slow and thought that at that rate I'd never accomplish anything, but the momentum shocked me and by the end of the year, I'd done way more than I thought possible. Hope this doesn't sound too much like self-help BS, but your situation sounds so similar to mine that I figured the same thing might work for you.

xp I wish I had the darraghmac knack of thinking of something dry and clever that showed solidarity and sympathy while also flipping to a humorous side but I am Earnest Bot and can only say I hope you un-gnarl, I hope you find a physical or mental environment that is conducive to un-gnarling and you can get through and out of this painful or sad or angry part.

TT, I want to echo what c sharp says. I'm in my late 40s, full-time job, married, two kids, and I can tell you, I'm still in exploratory (and hopefully growing) mode, I'm still staying up late with friends talking books or playing music, and I definitely don't feel like I ever want to stop any of this if I can help it. Frankly, it's the only way I know how to be. I don't think "settling" down equates to settling for a stultifying existence.

Regret is both a tyrant and a liar. By keeping you attached to what could have been, it seeks to rob you of what is and what can be, and it makes you denigrate your own life as it is. I know, believe me. Tell it to fuck off and leave you be. You still have a life, so much life, to live.

I'm supposed to be a responsible adult despite having this gaping fucking hole in the middle of my life.

As a rule of thumb, whenever I see a sentence that starts with "I'm supposed to be..." I find that the remainder of the sentence consists of an expectation imposed upon the person speaking, which the speaker would be much better off disregarding entirely. You must ask yourself, who is doing this supposing, and why?

Others do not live your life and so they cannot know the depth of your feelings or the dimensions of your need. That means their expectations are grounded in pardonable ignorance - and ignorant expectations ought not be in the driver's seat, steering your life away from what is important to your happiness.

i like silby's thoughts in this thread- among other, obv- c#m too, aimless almost always. everyone!

i like that i recognise a lot of the thought patterns people describe in this thread- it reminds me that this shit is normal. it's normal. it's normal. this state of being we're currently forced through until something better comes along often seems to me to be just one confusing decision after another, with hardly any training, warning or useful information, with outcomes that are either terrifyingly murky or murkily terrifying, or both, or i don't know what. how the hell is it normal for a person to hold any concept of their bewildering place in this onrushing present that so rapidly resolves into a ?wtf was that? past. that person who can get through the day, any day, without regrets or the road-less-travelled wonderings or whatever- i don't know if i could recognise a person who exists like that (and i know loads of them!) as 'normal'. they're alien to me. tomorrow keeps me awake most tonights.

i don't suffer from depression, i don't think. but i do think these thoughts, constantly, have these regrets, constantly, feel that my stupid self is holding back my other self who's really quite bright and capable, constantly. feel that there's no way to ever recover from the historical stupidity of my stupid self- sorry bout that future self. i hope that makes anyone with anything like these thoughts -and i hope not to be too presumptuous in at least feeling myself some recognition in some of the posts above- feel a little more normal.

also i random spotted this absolute gem, and i mean cmon folks give it up.

does this mean i can drink energy drinks with impunity?

― thread lock holiday (Noodle Vague), Friday, 12 October 2012 08:14 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

if the gp asks if you're still playing fm as hull, are you gonna answer truthfully?

― Randy Carol (darraghmac), Friday, 12 October 2012 10:21 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

if energy drinks are going to help get the job done then by all means drink them with impunity, whatever it takes is my motto.

― estela, Friday, 12 October 2012 12:04 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

estela agreeing with nv on what they both know to be a small evil - imp-unity

― Randy Carol (darraghmac), Friday, 12 October 2012 12:07 (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

imp-unity do you SEE

:s energy drinks are just too expensive for something that's not going to deaden my brain

on a brighter note i made it thru a whole week back at work on time and looking vaguely efficient yay me victory for the forces of apathy

in the debit column is pretty much everything else but sacrifices must be made for the greater goo

hmmm, think i finally cracked it. apparently being rejected by your parents screws ya up ... whodathunkit. now i wish i just had depression. i'm not sure my current therapist is equipped to deal with this.

ah crap, i'll be alright.

Word.

wait why do you wish you had depression?

just had. as in, if it weren't two things to deal with. i'll be fine, though, i've made more progress than i realize.

oh! why do you consider them distinct things?

depression is never *just* depression though, is it?

sorry if I am being naive

i'm sorry, too, for my posts looking like they were generated by ELIZA

>why do you feel sorry, Philip Nunez ?

>We were discussing you, not me.

A well-written first-person account:

http://noahpinionblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-few-thoughts-on-depression.html

pretty good

I've held it at bay for a while now because I was feeling really optimistic about turning things around, but I'm into month three of looking for a job (ANY job) and almost out of money and treating the job search like a full time job unto itself...but I haven't even gotten an interview. I'll be the first to admit that I'm bad at this shit, but I've been putting in a real effort for absolutely no payoff whatsoever. Earlier this week, a recruiter wouldn't even entertain the idea of putting me up for a job that was similar to but actually somewhat below my last job because knowing how to do and fielding questions from others about the job in question aparently doesn't matter as much as actually having done the job in question. And I think that was kind of a breaking point because I feel like my body is made of lead now and everything feels hopeless and my circuitous thought patterns keep coming back to the idea that it's maybe just time to hang it up, like, if even McDonald's thinks you're beneath them. I don't know how much gas I have left in the tank.

eveyone i know who got a job got it through nepotism (plus anyone i ever read about getting a job), so maybe tweak your strategy (i'd suggest more nepotism) but don't get the idea that mcdonald's is any kind of arbiter of human value.

Yeah, it'd be great if I knew anyone with job openings at their place of work. I sank low enough to look into a job at my last place of work (which I HATED but at least left on good terms) but it seems like everyone I knew there has also gotten fed up and left.

what kind of work do you want to be doing? is it possible to freelance your way into a more permanent position?

http://gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net/8019B6/data.tumblr.com/42011813f6b740220d88be15f30bb362/tumblr_mgwvw7SRC81qz6f9yo1_500.gif

There's an indistinct point in between clinical depression and melancholia. The nights get longer and sleep gets more painful. The jokes get less funny and more ugly. A minor misunderstanding turns to rage.

Oh God, I need a drink. Oh yeah, I already had one. It was the last time I was drinking and the couple of nights in between then and now that proves the point.

I'm in danger of realizing I'm already depressed. How do I know if recognizing and changing the thought process is a positive step back to stability, or a denial leading back to something or other?

Thinking about being better in the short term is part of the process of being better in the long term. I think.

Short term goals are the way to go. Hope you feel better soon :)

mooks: You could have come out on Fri. :(

Want to meet up tomorrow? I'll email.

Best wishes ZT.

In the UK and considering private counselling rather than bothering the NHS again, for various reasons. Anyone know how best to find a good one, whether it's reasonable to ask for appointments outside office hours, how much I could expect to pay?

(Fear I might need to be sitting down to read that last answer.)

I wasn't sure if I realllly needed to do this but whenever I try to think through what I would say to set the scene in an introductory session I burst into tears, so I guess that's a sign something needs to happen.

Unfortunately after 15+ years of feeling like a sad lost fuckup I never managed to narrow down exactly what the problem is and after a few previous attempts I'm low on hope that I can get anywhere. These things seem to work best if you can walk in with a specific list of symptoms and have the counsellor go "you are clearly afraid of x ever since y" and you go "wow, you're exactly right, now draw up the ten-step plan", rather than "well, I've never really felt that specific fear any more strongly than 6000 others, but... I guess, if it might help, I'll agree I'm a case of whatever you wrote your thesis on?"

I had a really good experience going through Mind; appointments in the evening, 20 quid a session (I think you're supposed to pay what you can/think is reasonable). That's the only therapy I've done so I can't really compare it to anything else, but it worked well for me. I should probably look at going back tbh.
Good luck!

When I was much younger and at an age when depression was closer to me than now, one method I had for keeping it compartmentalized was keeping a journal and writing in it frequently, sometimes multiple times a day. otoh, I was not a personality type that is prone to deep depression, so this mild approach was helpful for my relatively mild symptoms. It did keep me from drinking quite so much.

Thank you, chamber. Was that 1:1?

Maybe a journal would help. Again, probably works better if you know what the One True Problem to be worked through is, but it's a lot cheaper than therapy if you can't narrow it down.

on the contrary, writing down your scattered thoughts can help, even if you don't know what you're writing about

it's possible to figure it out spacecadet, thoughts and feelings don't come from nothing and aren't infinite. there's usually a pretty limited place, theme, reason where it's coming from ... it just takes work and introspection to suss it all out. a therapist can def help with that, even just talking about the feelings themselves can sometimes push things forward because it forces you to organize everything for an audience.

i spent most of my life wandering around completely confused about everything, thinking i was some unique screw up, my life was doomed, etc., but after two years of work and 3 months of therapy, things are starting to make a hell of a lot more sense and feel genuine hope about it all. but yeah, there's no one true problem, shit's messy and complicated and takes a lot of work and effort to get through. at least that's been the case with me, but it's worth it. it's possible, just for the sake that we're pretty limited in our thinking and feelings, so you can figure out what's going on.

It was 1:1, I just got in touch with the local branch (they have different ones for London boroughs, it could be different elsewhere) spoke to a counsellor about some of the things I thought were wrong, and whether it was the sort of things they could help with and took it from there. I was actually seeing an art therapist which I was pretty sceptical about but she wasn't at all pushy about it, and I did find myself getting into painting as part of the sessions.

Anyway depression thread, I've spent the whole weekend knowing that I've been too depressed to drink, yet incapable of even thinking of coping with said depression without drinking. Hoping I can finish this wine and be in bed by 10 and tomorrow will just be fine.

Right now I'm staring at the clock at 8.25am, trying to work out a reason why I should bother going to work, or bother doing anything at all ever again.

So you won't dig yourself too deep a hole to get out of once this feeling passes?

Precisely the thing that forced me out of the house, yeah. I thought of sitting there all day, knew that would be even worse, and got on with it.

I feel like utter shit. But it is circumstantial, and partly my own fault, and I guess I'll get over it sooner or later. Sigh.