Shakey Mo's thread of misery

LOL I will steal that. Super-OTM.

Had a very bad night last night. Very bad. Sinus infection has increased the volume, and this fed right into a nice little spiral of depressive thoughts I'd been having in past days and well... suffice it to say I was failing miserably at not giving a shit.

Spent today watching comedy youtubes with my son (who's also fighting a flu), Three Stooges, Marx Bros, Andy Kaufman, and then a bunch of music ones. Everything was funny and beautiful and I felt grateful that there is indeed still a respite, that the ringing doesn't ruin everything, and that there are truly far worse things to be afflicted by.

This is going to be hard, but we can handle it.

Oh, and I'm going to try leaving music or TV on tonight when I go to bed. I suppose when I get my tinnitus black belt I'll be able to do without such aids, but right now I'm glad to reach for anything that helps.

Best wishes to you both, I really know how hard it can be to cope with and can only re-echo myself and Aero and say it really will get better with time - it may not go away but your brain will adjust. It sucks massively that all we can do is "cope" with this insidious malady rather than cure it, that said. If I knew for a second the posited ear surgery I need would cure my tinnitus I'dve done it in a flash months ago, but the risks sheet suggested it could get worse! So, I'm reluctant to meddle.

Thanks Trayce, that's helpful to hear. Very helpful. And last night went better than the one before.

would be cool if this wasn't accompanied by stress/back pain

altho feel like I've been dealing marginally better with it over the last few days. I dunno if it's getting fainter or if I've just been trying more successfully to ignore it

No sleep tonight for me. It's just really loud tonight; has been this whole week. It's only in the last week or so that the volume reached this can't-fall-asleep level, so I'm really struggling trying to adjust, trying not to panic. This thread, though, Shakey, I must say, is a great help. It's a balm to my anxious soul.

I've been dealing with sinusitis the past couple of weeks so I went to my doctor today and, lo and behold, he found fluid in my left ear (where the tinnitus is). I was thrilled to hear that, because it suggests that maybe, just maybe, this elevated volume is a product of the increased pressure... and that with antibiotics it will subside.... Please let it be so.

I had such a great attitude all of today... wish it carried over into the night-time more!

I've been taking trazadone+ambien to get to sleep for the past 3 months. sucks and I hate it but otherwise I just don't fall asleep.

you need a prescription for those, obviously (and these drugs affect different people differently...)

fluid in the year is treatable, which is good news, so hopefully dealing with that will ease yr symptoms

thanks ... we shall see!

ok so today i got hooked up with some chinese medicinal tea, made from a variety of herbs based on my 'pulse diagnosis' (this is all very new for me). i also started researching some meditation/mindfulness trainings nearby. i do think i want to 'befriend' tinnitus as much as possible.

on the western front: i did book an appointment with a doctor who, i was told, is new england's only tinnitus specialist. only problem is the earliest opening she had was january 2014. meantime, i have the ambien on standby, but i've allowed myself a bit of leeway this week in terms of sleep: told folks at work i might just take the rest of the week to sort all of this out, and get my immune system strong again. i feel extremely fortunate that i'm able to do that.

January 2014?! Best healthcare in the world...

i know, right? this is why, in the meantime, i'm quite willing to drink this viscous, nearly black, bitter-as-fuck qigong potion.

(btw a coworker of mine suffered with migraines for years until she went to this herbalist... i gotta temper the expectations though!)

Shakey, wondering how your wife is doing (and you!). How far is she supposed to be from delivery?

Things that have been helping me sleep, at least a few hours per night, in the last few days:

#1. Relax around the tinnitus more; try "to make it my friend" (odd as that sounds). Just trying to accept it rather than fight it. (Note: this is very much a work in progress. I go through ups and downs, but I like to think the general overall direction is slowly, subtly, up).

#2. Not try too hard to sleep. If the ringing's feeling very loud when I close my eyes, and it's keeping me up, I'll sit up in bed, turn on the lights, and read a book or watch a slow, ponderous movie or something. Of course, background music or noise of some sort (e.g. vaporizer) helps.

#3. Drink valerian tea.

#4. Take some whiffs of some aromatic oil blend (no idea what it is except it's called Sleepy Time and I found it at Whole Foods), just to get some pleasant other sensory input. I think to do this properly you're meant to set up an infuser of some sort, but I'm doing this lo-fi and dabbing some drops on a bandanna, which I then clutch like Linus).

It's funny, I've never been particularly New Agey (in fact am one of those more than glad to poke fun), but tinnitus has me up against a wall and I'm willing to try anything, Cartesian intellectual pride be damned!).

yeah what's news with Babby Mo

Babby is doing good - it's only been a week, but so far he's much mellower than I remember babby #1 being (ie, will sleep for 4 hours at a stretch if we let him, feeds well, etc.)

had my appt with UCSF yesterday, which was good. they didn't give me a magic bullet or anything but talked to me about what is likely going on and what I am in for - basically aiding the habituation process. I am already doing a lot of the things they recommend, but I may check in with one of their psychologists to help with relaxation techniques etc. my doc went into detail about how tinnitus taps into the limbic system and perpetuates itself even in the absence of external stimuli on the auditory nerve etc. which was very interesting. I don't have any hearing loss at this stage - my tinnitus is around the 9000 Hz range (I haven't looked up what note on the scale this is yet, but high C is 4000 Hz iirc?), but I may be in for losing this frequency in my left ear. which I don't really care about, frankly, since it's so far on the high end it's not really in the range in which useful information is communicated to the ear. in the meantime my tinnitus is basically unchanged, just trying to ignore it, go about my daily tasks. and uh get over this cold I have. finding relaxing activities that distract me are still a challenge, I do really miss being able to sit in silence or walk in nature without noticing this goddamn sound but what can I do... it's a process. evidently a potentially long one.

yeah, the highest key on a piano is a little above 4000 Hz i believe

Congratulations on babby #2, Shakey! Glad to hear all are well.

BTW I'm finding (to my dismay) that coffee seems to turn up the volume on the ole' T -not horribly, but noticeably. Thus, I'm trying to keep it down to one cup per day at most.

alcohol inflames mine like a bitch.

goin back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off w babby. the tinnitus grind continues ... habituation process can be quite lengthy, apparently.

*sigh*

trying to get an appointment with one of UCSF's therapists who specializes in tinnitus... with babby I am worried about getting enough sleep, de-stressing.

I really want to talk with them more about the habituation process and how the unconscious/conscious aspects of it work. like I get that on the conscious level I need to work on not letting it bother me etc. but at the unconscious level what goes on... does the brain just gradually learn to unconsciously tune it out, and then you only hear it when you consciously think about it...? or something? and I assume that that's impacted by how well your managing it consciously, but it's pretty hard for me to constantly, consciously thinking "DON'T THINK ABOUT THIS". urgh all so perplexing.

I would assume it's similar to how you can't smell something weird after breathing it for 5 mins, but I am not a doctor.

right. I just feel like it's taking so long. was bummed to learn that the habituation process can take "anywhere from a few months to 1-2 years"

I sorry, Shakes. :(

I cling to the notion that no matter what this will get better, this is just my lot to to endure and one day I'll look back on this and think wtf that was crazy

one day I will be over this

Hope you do Shakey, that's the spirit! (Had a mild temporary case of ringing-ear myself for a while myself last night & thought of this thread)

Stay strong, Shakey.

chronic back pain from the stress of this the last week or so... find myself wondering, does it just become easier to consciously ignore it (which seems to be what I expend a fair amount of my mental energy on these days) or does the unconcious mind take over at some point and tune it out? The preoccupation with it is the real problem.

seeing one of UCSF's "cognitive behavioral" therapists on Friday. I am not sure what that means.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

CBT is, as i understand it, p much the dominant mode of psychotherapy these days. focused more on what you feel and think now and what you're going to do about it, rather than what mommy and daddy did to you

as this thing hit out of nowhere, they are probably the better people to talk to. hope it goes well!

my dad bought me a bag of sexist fortune cookies. other than that, he's an upstanding guy

Cochrane reviews have found no evidence that CBT is effective for tinnitus, although there appears to be an effect on management of associated depression and quality of life in this condition

yeah I need this

jeez keep yo head up shakey mo, just posted some bay area rapps & thought of u

goddammit therapist cancelled my appt today and I had to reschedule for next wednesday

sorry to hear that. I think I said early that getting the mental health picture set is how I coped. one thing I'd strongly advise against is reading descriptions of what various therapies are "about" and picking based on whether you imagine yourself as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy partisan or whatever. Finding a therapist with whom you can build trust is everything imo. It doesn't really matter much what kind of therapy they're practicing. You are coping with stress & with a major adjustment. It takes a while, but accepting "I have to cope with this" as a starting point (as opposed to trying to find a cure - which you can also do! but it oughtn't be your focus imo, ymmv) will afford you much relief, or may. It did me. I still have two arms, two legs, and all my talents, such as they are, and I reminded myself of that shit for a good long while until, in conjunction w/heavy therapy, I felt better.

CBT is, as i understand it, p much the dominant mode of psychotherapy these days. focused more on what you feel and think now and what you're going to do about it, rather than what mommy and daddy did to you

grrrr ok if yr Archie Bunker I guess other therapeutic approaches are "what mommy and daddy did to you" but if yr actually interested in human behavior/response then strawmanning therapeutic modalities is maybe not a great look, ok off soapbox now

was looking forward to this first meeting regardless of the modality tbh, I was just eager to finally talk to someone who specializes in this kind of thing (my previous UCSF appt was with the audiologist, which was helpful, but that's different from a therapist). couldn't really find a kaiser therapist with any experience dealing specifically with tinnitus and the stress related to it etc

I do feel like I am at least functional now, which is good, but emotionally/psychologically I am just not really in a good place

see I would say never mind whether the therapist has a tinnitus specialty. mine had to look it up, it wasn't her deal at all, but that actually turned out to be a big plus: she was able to hear me describe why it was ruining my fuckin' life and translate my pretty heavily focused view of the situation into broader terms. tinnitus is its own deal, but essentially it's a huge life adjustment: that's one thing therapy's good for is getting perspective on dealing with life adjustments. To me, at present, I think of tinnitus as a gift; getting old is going to be full of "now my body does this thing it didn't used to do" adjustments. I have a head start on dealing w/that sort of thing now.

(nb I would trade the gift to not be hearing a tone all the time don't get me wrong but one benefit of it is I now also have some aches 'n' pains about which I said when they hit: "ha, nice try, you're not even in the same ballpark as a sudden constant whine")

hmm yeah I can see that. any thoughts on this q I posted earlier: does it just become easier to consciously ignore it (which seems to be what I expend a fair amount of my mental energy on these days) or does the unconcious mind take over at some point and tune it out?

cuz at the moment I feel like I have to tell myself to think about something else every 30 seconds or what have you

it gets a lot easier to ignore - I barely notice it any more, ever. it certainly doesn't cost me any sleep. but part of that's on you imo. acceptance is a bear in this regard because it is not a thing you want to accept. but once you do - once you accept it like you accept plenty of other unfun realities - it gets a LOT easier

ah acceptance. feel like I've already been through anger denial bargaining etc. lol

i can't believe someone hasn't already invented something that you can stick in your ear that emits a sound that would counteract this. but maybe that's not how tinnitus works. anyway my wife has had this off and on for years, exacerbated by her cancer treatment (she was given a platinum based drug that seemed to make it worse)

yeah that's now how it works. there is no actual signal to counteract, it's more like a neurological disorder.

Aero otm. Its hard for me to know, bcz ive had it for so much of my life but its only during extreme stress/tiredness that it bugs me anymore.

working on reminding myself that this is not so bad and I have everything I could ever want (home, family, job, creative outlet etc) but ugh feel like my body is generating stress-pain to give me something else to worry about instead of the tinnitus

must... relax... somehow

Good luck.

had my first mtg with the UCSF therapist today. as would be expected, I did most of the talking filling her in on my history etc. seems promising tho.

basically the idea is to focus on improving my overall quality of life/helping me cope, and not on somehow "curing" the tinnitus