Depression and what it's really like

HOW DO I MANAGE TO FUCK UP THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE 100% OF THE TIME? I could understand if I was a fuckup some of the time cause everybody is gonna fuck up some of the time, BUT NO I FUCK UP ALL OF THE TIME. HOW DOES THAT EVEN FUCKING WORK?

idk if this is the right thread for this, i'm a lot more angry than sad right now but w/e

it's an ok thread for it

especially because nobody fucks up 100% of the time, if you fucked up 100% of the time you'd be spending 100% of your time falling into open manholes.

no, no. i don't fuck up random things that happen to me by chance, i fuck up very important things that i have full control over

how come

I might have to wait another 3 months to go to school which really sucks BECAUSE I FUCKED UP GETTING INTO CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE TOO. AND I DROPPED OUT OF MY CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE BECAUSE MY GRANDPA DIED AND I WAS SICK AND I WENT INTO DEPRESSION. GOD DAMN I HATE MYSELF.

badflaerkju;adsfi;oi'jlesfap.ooiyoybufagduoy

and I've pretty much put all my other plans in my life on hold for this school thing which means I have done nothing productive with my life for the past fucking year now. I was supposed to have my pharm tech certification in August but I still need to take three quarters worth of classes and I need to get this finished and start my career by the end of the year when my parents retire and move to Brazil and I no longer have a roof over my head.

The thing that's so frustrating about all this is none of the shit holding me back is ever anyone else's fault. People give me so many great opportunities and I FUCK. UP. ALL OF THEM.

ALL OF THEM.

Like I've never been handed an opportunity that I couldn't squander.

I realize I'm kind of going off the rails here but idgaf.

I have no idea what to do with myself now which HAS DONE BEEN A PROBLEM IN MY LIFE.

Rev, depression puts some shitty filters on our perception. One of the big ones is that we find ourselves over-emphasizing our failures to ourselves, and discounting our many successes. And depression symptoms like anhedonia, sleep difficulties, having difficulty doing things that are important to us, etc., can make tasks that should be tractable (like signing up for classes, feeding oneself, leaving the house) seem almost impossible. For me, once I let a deadline slip, I often become terrified of dealing with the task in question, even if the people I'm accountable to are more than willing to cut me a little slack. And so something that's a week overdue turns into a month, while I keep panicking every time I think of it.

Getting on track with school has to go hand in hand with cultivating good self-care habits and, if you need to, getting into/continuing treatment for depression. Depression's a big old pile of shit. You can kick it in the ass.

I have no idea what to do with myself now which HAS DONE BEEN A PROBLEM IN MY LIFE.

― hemioblock (The Reverend), Wednesday, January 2, 2013 8:48 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Do something non-harmful to get yourself out of your head and into your body. Single most helpful thing my favorite therapist ever told me was that I treat my body like a machine for carrying my head around. Depression is in part a hypertrophy of introspection. Respecting your body is part of easing up on your head.

also sorry for the unsolicited advice, it's my weakness.

I might have to wait another 3 months to go to school which really sucks BECAUSE I FUCKED UP GETTING INTO CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT.

fwiw, i can relate. i missed out on my fall semester of culinary school classes partially because i had some outstanding fees i forgot about and i couldn't register in time, and then for some reason i decided against seeing if i could petition in from the waitlist. and the other project i was involved in at the time petered out, leaving me not knowing what the hell to do. at least now i have spring classes lined up, but they don't start for another month.

you know that feeling of any dormancy in your life meaning you're a horrible, non-contributing person? i know it well. i also know what a disgusting, destructive lie it is.

oh sweer rev. let it out, it's okay. if anyone's going to understand it's the ppl itt

it's not true, no matter how true it feels in your head <3

I might have to wait another 3 months to go to school which really sucks BECAUSE I FUCKED UP GETTING INTO CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE TOO. AND I DROPPED OUT OF MY CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE

This.

yup, i remember those days

Single most helpful thing my favorite therapist ever told me was that I treat my body like a machine for carrying my head around. Depression is in part a hypertrophy of introspection. Respecting your body is part of easing up on your head.

Fucking hell, I was giving myself grief for feeling like that robot/head combination because it seemed distancing. Makes total goddamn sense.

I hate class scheduling mishaps with the fury of a thousand suns. Relate all too well with rev.

ok, making huge leaps and bounds in progress. excellent. i owe my therapist a lot in helping me get here. lately she's starting to refer to her personal beliefs a little, and they sorta sound like the secret or something. like, "because you're more open to opportunities, the universe is making it happen!" and I'm thinking, "oh crap, she better not be talking about The Secret here."

one session a while ago hinted at this that made me a little worried. she had this deck of 'daily affirmation' cards. the kinda thing you'd find in a new age store that sells crystal dragons. the card i took had this Facebook macro-style affirmation on it, and she was dead serious about it!! didn't even play it off like it was sorta corny, sorta helpful.

she recommended an author today called louise hay. i checked her out and this is some real life stuart smalley shit!!! holy crap! i just cracked a joke about him earlier today. check it out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhG1qjc6jSw

what's y'all thoughts on this? makes me feel a little iffy because, personally, I think this stuff is corny as hell. maybe it's an opportunity to be more open minded though. could be the universe conspiring. or i'm an irredeemably snarky, cynical a-hole.

wooooah, reading more about louise hay, she sounds like a kook. her claim to fame was telling AIDS patients in the early 80s they could heal themselves with their mind. wtf is this.

Personally, I find Louise Hay horrifying. I had a roommate who was way into that. When you publish affirmations to "cure cancer" you're kinda through the looking glass imo. Affirmations are cool to a point, but Hay is kinda next level with it & it's creepy.

But I'm glad that you're making progress, Spectrum!

xpost exactly

thanks vg. yeah, this lady sounds nutso. dunno what to think about my therapist being totally into this woman.

it is totally corny as hell, but maybe works for some ppl? if you are not among them then tell her so

i mean it's definitely worth trying new shit, but there are limits to what's likely to work

they had a copy of you can heal your life in my high school library, my friends & i used to consult it for ailments like constipation & stuff, hee hee

that's funny. i wonder if you made a daily affirmation to make a daily affirmation if it would melt your brain. i just tried it and sorta had a zen moment. i guess that was kinda cool.

hay is nuts, but that doesn't mean your therapist is. even if you dug it, it's not a bad reflection on you. if your therapist has been helpful to this point, there's no reason she can't continue being so. talk about it with her, figure out your own path.
mookie otm. stuff works for people, it's all cool.

but, separately, louise hay *is* bananas.

and regardless of the corniness of positive affirmations or w/e, positive self-talk (and countering negative self-talk) is an important component of recovering from depression & anxiety

it's kind of a matter of framing. Except not the affirmation cure for AIDS that shit is indeed bananas.

yeah, i hear that ... maybe i'll tell her it's not for me and move on, or even give it a whirl. i need to break out of the negative flipside thinking anyway so it couldn't hurt. i mean, a lot of stuff my therapist has done's been pretty helpful, so even if she's into something I think is a little wacky doesn't take away the good stuff. maybe it is an opportunity to be more open minded ... ! universe, you rascal.

My mum once sent me a book she thoguht would help me with my depression/self talk issues, and I was thinking it looked interesting til I started reading it, got about 3 pages in and threw it down in disgust.

Eckhart Tolle is a nut.

You know the book that most helped me to non-cynically consider mindfulness (non-cynically) was Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin, which is sort of about accidentally discovering the world of mindfulness through the microcosm of your anus and rectum. Like Tolle or whatever is just too po-faced and earnest, which is fine for some, but I needed an outer coating of pain-free anal pleasure or something. ZTMI.

I am real with this, even though, I am worried with infrequent posting, and it's all about butts, oh who cares.

is that like 'zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance' for butt sex?

is this about awakening the kundalini, or is the guy just a butt freak?

Well it's a book about...anal pleasure and health...with some mindfulness stuff thrown in. I think he is a sex therapist by trade.

spectrum you sound like you're on the right path. and "positive selftalk" def helps so keep on that, whatever it entails.

and remember that constipation is caused by repressing negative energy so much that it goes back down out of your brain into your poop canal and forms a plug of negativity. or something

spectrum, unless you find yourself personally guided through the underworld and purgatory by the shade of the poet Virgil, just figure that you'll pick up clues about the way forward from a lot of odd places, and discard quite a few along the way after you've sucked what you could out of them and they got shriveled and used up in the process.

Just remember to use your hard-won self knowledge to increase your compassion toward others, who are often just as mired down, confused, bashed about, or lost as you.

aimless will u be my spirit guide

if you take every lefthand turning without fail, you can wander in circles at little or no expense; this would probably be simpler and more direct than following my lead on such matters, as I tend to veer about much less predictably.

I think I just ruined everything with my only close friend in the city by letting something totally innocuous she said set me off hysterically crying for a few minutes. I'm trying to hold it together but with my 30th fucking birthday coming up in August it kind of feels pointless now. All the experiences I was desperate to get out of Alabama and over my social anxiety/depression for are never going to happen now, so why should I give a shit?

Sorry you're going through this rough spot, Telephone thing. Is it at all possible that (a) you didn't in fact ruin your friendship for good (your phrase "I think" suggests so); or that, regardless of the former, (b) you may still be able to figure out ways to create experiences of the type you were looking forward to?

I dunno- she hasn't responded to my email and in not going to push it.

As for the other stuff, I'm pushing 30 and I'm less experienced in practically everything than the average person ten years younger than me. I totally missed out on doing anything during my college years and early 20s by being so afraid of being judged or excluded or hurt that I barely left my apartment and I just feel like I'll never get any time to just do normal young adult shit. I want to go out dancing and make mistakes and spend hours talking music or books and just exploring for a while, figuring out who I am and what I want to do, but it's too late now and I'm supposed to be a responsible adult despite having this gaping fucking hole in the middle of my life. I can barely pass through University City without crying my eyes out anymore

Hey TT, sorry things are shitty. I had a similar experience to you - barely tried anything new or crazy during college and early 20s, made very few new friends - because I was scared of people thinking I was uncool or whatever. Just turned 31 and it's only in the past year I'm finally doing stuff I always wanted to do but thought I couldn't/shouldn't. Therapy got me to that point, but I hope you realize it's seriously never too late to act how you want to act, or to figure out what you want/who you are. I think it's a lifelong process anyhow, and there's no right way for people of a certain age to act. Hell, my mom is pushing 60 and she's having a similar experience to me right now. It's great to hear how excited she is that she drove to the city for the first time by herself. :D

But how can I do that with a job that takes up 10 hours a day? No matter what I do I can't pick up my life where I left off, and everyone I know that's my age has long since gotten it out of their system and settled down into a real career or started a family.