OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

A Day Without Rain [Reprise, 2001]
Pondering the fate of post-September 11 pop, everyone predicted what they already wished for--Slipknot undone, Britney in hiding. What happened instead was the unthinkable--sales of Enya's first album since 1995 spiked 10 months after release. (And she thought that movie where Charlize Theron fucked Keanu Reeves and died of cancer was a promotional coup!) Two years in the making with the artiste playing every synthesizer, the 11 songs here last a resounding 34 minutes and represent a significant downsizing of her New Age exoticism since 1988's breakthrough, Watermark--it's goopier, more simplistic. Yanni is Tchaikovsky by comparison, Sarah McLachlan Ella Fitzgerald, treacle Smithfield ham. Right, whatever gets folks through the night. But Enya's the kind of artist who makes you think, if this piffle got them through it, how dark could their night have been? Like Master P or Michael Bolton only worse, she tests one's faith in democracy itself. D-

Assholy in the last two sentences, but no, it's not the worst music writing ever, esp. compared to many other specimens submitted.

Assholy vs her fans, that is

oh, c'mon, that's funny!

Zingers on target up the last couple couple sentences (a little too much stage blood there), and "treacle Smithfield ham" is a great punchline for the comparisons, maybe he shoulda quit there? Brevity is the soul of wit, but I guess he wanted to emphasize the fact that he was really really upset!!

So pretty funny after all--tell us how you really feel, 'gau.

how terrible that he wrote a bad review of an Enya record.

writers should justify easy target hatchet jobs by bringing their A game, not by sneering bravely at a fanbase that is almost definitely not reading it

A- game in this case.

christgau doesn't even seem to like records he says are A- so that's appropriate

i mean it really is perhaps the most useless rating system in all of music writing

It's more accurate to say he doesn't much like his B+'s and especially his B's. Getting awarded the latter means you should crawl back into your mother's womb.

like i said, most useless rating system in all of music writing

Better just to ignore the grades and read the comments---but the later thing, when he awards icons of bombs etc, with no comments--now *that* is the most useless rating system, far as I'm concerned.

i thought he was dropping bombs in the style of Funkmaster Flex

it's da bomb

I'd like to think so! Like it even better if he just spewed keyboard graffiti all over his hated ones; (!#)))>\d1-->fuk I know some of yall are more creative w it

In my line of work only deans get to decree whether anything is neither here nor there

(thanks guys. a novel! by me! you are all so nice <3)

wouldn't a single bomb imply it being THE bomb, though

"productionally"? ...yes, terrible piece of writing.

Samantha Fox reviews The Fall, 1986.

http://dangerousminds.net/content/uploads/images/37735076264sam1.jpg

what's wrong with that?

Mark Smith doesn't yodel on that song
It doesn't rip off a Peter Gunn guitar bit
She listens to half a song then moans about a different band
The Smiths are not this "sort of group" when this sort is The Fall
The Smiths lyric is wrong
"I heard one the other while"

The Smiths lyric is wrong

I am just going to type all of the Wire's '2012 Rewind' issue in here. Particularly though Tony Herrington's bit about the diaspora of African-American archetype invoked in DJ Spinn's 'Teklife 2'.

Sam Foxes are the art of pretend forgetfulness

There is totally a yodelly bit in "Living Too Late". Two, I think.
It does sound a bit "Peter Gunn"-y too, I can see what she means, though I agree rip-off would be a bit strong.
From Sam's POV, The Smiths and The Fall are probably the same sort of group, I might have said the same thing in 1986 (1986 would probably have been the year when I got close enough to indie to start thinking about the subgenres as not the same sort of music).
This isn't music writing, it's music chat.
"I heard one the other while" is very likely mis-transcription for "I heard one the other day, while..."

I'm on Sam's side in this one.

It's a basically accurate piece, and I like the style too.

He fails badly at a couple of high notes, I don't think that counts at trying to yodel.
Peter Gunn is very distinctive, the Fall track is distinctively not like it, though I too can see what she means - it's a perfect example of a lazy reference from a bad reviewer.
"From x's POV" is every review ever - people shouldn't get a free pass for being wrong

I know it isn't supposed to be proper music writing - I saw it on Dangerous Minds and it amused me and it reminded me of this thread.

I do get (slightly) annoyed when people who can't write and have no interest in a genre are asked to write reviews just because they have huge tits are famous.

naughty girls review records, too

xp So that's what Stylus's letter-graded system referred to...

I think "he sounds like he's been having yodelling lessons" is a pleasingly accurate reflection of what happens at 1:13 and 2:26 in "Living Too Late".

"Peter Gunn" is a perfectly sensible reference, too - the two twangy lines are not identical but clearly similar enough to merit a comparison.

Sam's not wrong in saying that the Smiths and The Fall are different sorts of music, she's right - they are both alternative rock. Now you (and I) may be close enough to see the many subdivisions in alternative rock, and with that perspective (and the benefit of a quarter of a century of hindsight) they may sound like different sorts of music. You (or I) don't need to be a specialist or an expert to have a valid opinion. I think Sam's opinions here are valid, although not particularly interesting.

The worst thing to have come out of this exchange is my having listened to "Living Too Late". I remember liking it, this morning I'd have told you I liked it, and I now think it is really, really terrible.

Sam did herself a favour by taking the damnable thing off at half time, and it's not like anything happens in the second half of the record to change a person's mind about it, is it?

I am sorry for spoiling Duane Eddy's yodelling Smithsesque classic for you.

So you should be, what with you being placed here to rep for that sort of music.

Wish I stopped @ Luigi Nono's music was never going to change the world. A travesty.

Some of the other entries are terrible too.

I'm scared to read that

the thing I like about the smiths comparison is the fall sometimes sounds nothing like the smiths, but that track does sound something like the smiths. and the lyrics are more smithslike than other fall tracks too. and i love the smiths lyrics in that review!

mark e was always my favourite one of the smiths

Imagine a duet of mark e and Morrisey---a mash-up maybe---?

M-o-r-r-i-s-s-ey, that is (what, ah, you. ah, mmmeaan-ah----to me.)(that's my mark e imitation)

we did the sam fox thing up thread already?

I read somewhere that Morrissey couldn't stand being in the same room as MES bcz the latter always insisted in calling the former by his birth name Stephen (MES-is-a-prick-shockah)

Samantha Fox is such a wild dame.

I think of Shiftwork as the Fall's 'Smiths' record

maybe he was mad they named their band after him.

This is written in defense of Holopaw. The band has simply put too much time, love and care into their new record for this type of thing to occur.
In disheartening form, Paste Magazine published a snarky review of Holopaw's new Misra release, however, they clearly listened to the concept album in the wrong order. It's fair enough if the widely read publication doesn't take to the "unevenly epic Academy Songs, Volume I," however, it's not fair to criticize an album as "uneven" when you haven't even bothered to listen to it in the correct order.

In reading the Holopaw review, it seems Paste writer Beca Grimm spent little time with Academy, downloaded it incorrectly, and clearly didn't care to read the track order that accompanied the promo. Grimm writes:

"Academy" sparks with John Orth's cherub vocals as flint. Tiny embers glow quietly, transitioning into the demure, hotly narrative "Bedfellows Farewell."

But then a hiccup. Surely the band included "Chapperelles Interlude" in an effort to set the very deliberate, scholastic stage. Following hot on the heels, "Diamonds" comes off almost like a parody of the nostalgia Academy tries so hard to maintain. It doesn't work.

This review doesn't work. The song "Academy" does not transition into "Bedfellows Farewell," "Bedfellows Farewell" does not transition into "Chapperelles Interlude," and "Diamonds" does not "follow hot on the heels" of the latter. From there, Grimm goes on to further illustrate that she listened to the new concept album incorrectly and, in turn, issued an inaccurate, unfair assessment. Perhaps Grimm wouldn't find Academy Songs, Volume I lacks in "the final burst of tenacity needed to alleviate the audio blue balls it conjures" if it was listened to correctly? Then again, perhaps not, but Paste and Grimm don't even bother to give Holopaw a fighting chance here.

When you pour your heart into a new record and spend months and months preparing for its release, it's obviously disheartening to read a snarky review. Nonetheless, in requesting criticism, this misfortune is expected from time-to-time. What's not expected is that a widely read and highly influential publication will avoid taking proper time and care with your release.

When painstaking hours of hard work are tossed to the wayside in such a lackluster manner it's enough to put you on the defense. Really, what does this say about the trusted voices of music criticism?

layers within layers of steaming gibberish

"Academy" "Bedfellows Farewell" "Chapperelles Interlude" "Diamonds"

Looks like the reviewer listened to the tracks in alphabetical order - the download prob didn't have tracks numbers and played in file-name order.

"trusted voices of music criticism"