Depression and what it's really like

thanks ZT. totally hear you man about the family x-mas shit. holiday season will be over soon and then it's back to business as usual.

i have to believe there are people out there who can care, i feel that myself so it can't be that rare, just hard to express it when i see ulterior motives everywhere... they're all strangers, though, so that's prob just normal. it sounds like hell, like real hell, if everyone's really just out for themselves. what kind-of life is that to live, to just extract from others and peace out? the times i've done it i felt nothing but guilt for it. what emptiness to just live for yourself. yuggghhh.

"i want sex" "i want love" "i want everyone to like me" "i don't want to be alone" ... i see what you want. is this a bargain or something? how do we set our temporary contracts here? maybe i'm too much of a romantic, too emotional or something, who the heck knows.

i don't know, i just feel like people only pretend to give a fuck and they expect you to play along in this stupid game of pretend where we all act like we care but don't. nominal attention takes precedence over genuineness ... an act of thought to resemble thought as opposed to real thought. what the crap is that? might as well just be straight about it. yet when you call a spade a spade and see through all the bullshit, you get called out on not playing this stupid game nobody wants to play anyway but we all have to because we expect it cuz it's just the way it is. oh life!!! what a ridiculous thing.

i wish i could shoot myself in the heart sometimes

You have to understand though, that yes caring is a two-way street. People are indeed more likely to care about someone who cares about them too, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. That's simply the way human relationships work. You're not the only one who needs someone to care for them.

It seems to me your problems are a) you don't want to care about anyone else because you feel it's false, and b) you reject other people who care about you for the same reasons. Neither of these things are conducive to creating the mutuality that is required for actual care to exist.

yeah, maybe i need to give other people a shot. i pin my experiences on the few bad people out there, not so much on the good. cognitive distortion shit still. i also throw my attention at bad instead of good ... ugh. thanks dude. looks like i need to spend a few more years up in the himalayas.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't expect empathy unless you're willing to give it.

but on the other hand, if you give empathy in the expectation of getting it in return, you're not doing it right.

the easiest way to make sure that there are people in the world who genuinely care about others is to be one of them.

well, trying to be one. it's almost impossible to be one all the time.

http://i.imgur.com/JEEIn.jpg

"what kind-of life is that to live, to just extract from others and peace out?"
http://www.sonorannews.com/archives/2011/110615/1110615-Images/POTW-Tinkerbell.jpg

pretty awesome life is what kind it is.

Thank christ we're past the shortest day

Thank christ we're past Christmas

haha

so gracious of him to have only one bday a year

it's like rain on yr wedding day

nth christmas in a row where stepdad's needless shittiness towards me (and rest of family's blindness to/ignorance of said shittiness) has left me super super super miserable.

i have literally no respect for this guy. why should i let his bullshit upset me so much?

this is what to myself in these situations: fuck that guy, right in the ear

do you think the shittiness upsets you because you don't say anything about it?

also your family is invalidating your emotions by acting like nothing's happening, which is another layer of hurt

i've definitely had a lot of esprit d'escalier since getting back home, thinking of the perfect response, the things i would've said if doing so wouldn't have broken my mum's heart. my little brother handles it all really well, but it gets under my skin so bad. and i can't tell if i'm being too sensitive about it all, and am bummed at myself for letting myself get hurt by it all.

and it was the first xmas since my granma, my favourite person on the planet, passed away. i guess there was no way it was going to go well, but...

why not just say "stepdad, when you say x, it makes me feel y, and i understand you are trying to z, but if you don't stop i'm going to ..."

http://studentservices.fgcu.edu/StudentConduct/files/D.E.S.C._Script.pdf

i'm not sure i'd go with that wording, but i do believe in saying your piece and hoping something good will come out of it, but not expecting anything really to change, because everything is full of shit and what can you do

thanks both of you. i'm sure i should say what you're suggesting, late great, though when my partner has responded to him in similar ways the results were really unpleasant. most of all, this xmas has made me realise i should probably go back into therapy again.

You should now explain to your mom that, as much as you love her and want to see her, you won't be in the same room as your stepdad again until such time as he stops acting like (insert full explanantion of his actions). If she takes his side or brushes off your concerns as baseless or trivial, then talk to your mom on the phone in the future, reminding her from time to time that you'd love to come see her but...

aimless otm

HOW DO I MANAGE TO FUCK UP THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE 100% OF THE TIME? I could understand if I was a fuckup some of the time cause everybody is gonna fuck up some of the time, BUT NO I FUCK UP ALL OF THE TIME. HOW DOES THAT EVEN FUCKING WORK?

idk if this is the right thread for this, i'm a lot more angry than sad right now but w/e

it's an ok thread for it

especially because nobody fucks up 100% of the time, if you fucked up 100% of the time you'd be spending 100% of your time falling into open manholes.

no, no. i don't fuck up random things that happen to me by chance, i fuck up very important things that i have full control over

how come

I might have to wait another 3 months to go to school which really sucks BECAUSE I FUCKED UP GETTING INTO CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE TOO. AND I DROPPED OUT OF MY CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE BECAUSE MY GRANDPA DIED AND I WAS SICK AND I WENT INTO DEPRESSION. GOD DAMN I HATE MYSELF.

badflaerkju;adsfi;oi'jlesfap.ooiyoybufagduoy

and I've pretty much put all my other plans in my life on hold for this school thing which means I have done nothing productive with my life for the past fucking year now. I was supposed to have my pharm tech certification in August but I still need to take three quarters worth of classes and I need to get this finished and start my career by the end of the year when my parents retire and move to Brazil and I no longer have a roof over my head.

The thing that's so frustrating about all this is none of the shit holding me back is ever anyone else's fault. People give me so many great opportunities and I FUCK. UP. ALL OF THEM.

ALL OF THEM.

Like I've never been handed an opportunity that I couldn't squander.

I realize I'm kind of going off the rails here but idgaf.

I have no idea what to do with myself now which HAS DONE BEEN A PROBLEM IN MY LIFE.

Rev, depression puts some shitty filters on our perception. One of the big ones is that we find ourselves over-emphasizing our failures to ourselves, and discounting our many successes. And depression symptoms like anhedonia, sleep difficulties, having difficulty doing things that are important to us, etc., can make tasks that should be tractable (like signing up for classes, feeding oneself, leaving the house) seem almost impossible. For me, once I let a deadline slip, I often become terrified of dealing with the task in question, even if the people I'm accountable to are more than willing to cut me a little slack. And so something that's a week overdue turns into a month, while I keep panicking every time I think of it.

Getting on track with school has to go hand in hand with cultivating good self-care habits and, if you need to, getting into/continuing treatment for depression. Depression's a big old pile of shit. You can kick it in the ass.

I have no idea what to do with myself now which HAS DONE BEEN A PROBLEM IN MY LIFE.

― hemioblock (The Reverend), Wednesday, January 2, 2013 8:48 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Do something non-harmful to get yourself out of your head and into your body. Single most helpful thing my favorite therapist ever told me was that I treat my body like a machine for carrying my head around. Depression is in part a hypertrophy of introspection. Respecting your body is part of easing up on your head.

also sorry for the unsolicited advice, it's my weakness.

I might have to wait another 3 months to go to school which really sucks BECAUSE I FUCKED UP GETTING INTO CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT.

fwiw, i can relate. i missed out on my fall semester of culinary school classes partially because i had some outstanding fees i forgot about and i couldn't register in time, and then for some reason i decided against seeing if i could petition in from the waitlist. and the other project i was involved in at the time petered out, leaving me not knowing what the hell to do. at least now i have spring classes lined up, but they don't start for another month.

you know that feeling of any dormancy in your life meaning you're a horrible, non-contributing person? i know it well. i also know what a disgusting, destructive lie it is.

oh sweer rev. let it out, it's okay. if anyone's going to understand it's the ppl itt

it's not true, no matter how true it feels in your head <3

I might have to wait another 3 months to go to school which really sucks BECAUSE I FUCKED UP GETTING INTO CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE. AND THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE TOO. AND I DROPPED OUT OF MY CLASSES THE QUARTER BEFORE THAT ONE

This.

yup, i remember those days

Single most helpful thing my favorite therapist ever told me was that I treat my body like a machine for carrying my head around. Depression is in part a hypertrophy of introspection. Respecting your body is part of easing up on your head.

Fucking hell, I was giving myself grief for feeling like that robot/head combination because it seemed distancing. Makes total goddamn sense.

I hate class scheduling mishaps with the fury of a thousand suns. Relate all too well with rev.