Depression and what it's really like

so like i dunno

programmed the ~~~suicide hotline~~~ into my phone just in case but i don't really see myself calling it soon

i just know that i try to spend as little time at my house as possible in the last 6 months--sleeping at a girl's place or on the street cause i missed the last train or a friend's couch if i play my cards right--but every night among the small handful i spend here in the filth that is my unkept place i find myself drinking and telling myself this is how i blow off steam between otherwise near-constant activity. very much have the sense i'm avoiding certain unpleasant realities (hi near-5 digit tax bill, hi trash that hasn't been picked up in three weeks, hi 4-months-old housemates who've never met me) by hiding in my room with a small bottle, but the relative brevity lets me push through it and forget it in the ensuing rush of activity.

trying to move into the city since i spend all my time there anyway, hoping i pass any attendant credit checks.

it's as i say: i dunno. the guitar has gone dusty. the notebook stiff from remaining too long closed. the rarely-touched pile of dirty clothes in one corner would probably jump if i made a move to wash it, thank god for drawers elsewhere. the bookshelf would surely fall if i looked at it wrong.

i'm the age my parents were when they got married. my prospects at the moment, to put it kindly, are slim--so it's sort of dispiriting in that context to know i have drawers, in the plural, elsewhere.

i guess i'm just saying i recognize myself today as being depressed despite my best efforts to hide it behind activity and busy-ness.

strength

word, hoos.

hoostein much <3 to u

not to be all bossypants but i hope that sleeping on the street is a rare, freak occurence. plz to be safe

bahhh... seems the Big D is trying to snatch my soul the past few days. Just here to send good wishes to everyone. This is a good place. Seriously.

I wrote a long post a few minutes ago but don't think it'll do anyone any good at all. It's "insightful", maybe, but at this point its insight is without clear utility or solution. It can wait.

hoos, i've been reading your ilx posts for years now. as much as I know anything, I know you have the mental tools to dig yourself out of this wretched hole. if you are anything like me (and you are) you need to face up to the terrifying demons you associate with paid employment and recognize that the image of romantic heroism is leading you away from your buddha nature, which is more than a match for all your problems and, when fully brought to bear will have you laughing again. i wish you the best. i wish you yourself back. hang in there. we love you.

^^ esteemdriver

Holy shit. Due in no small part to portions of this thread, I'm now on my third day of Wellbutrin, the first time I've ever taken an anti-depressant.

I wonder if there's a connection between

the fact that I've been spontaneously writing all night, including tweets, a short record review that I posted on amazon and another site, a series of emails, and letters to my congressman and Reps, which is very out of the ordinary for me,

and the fact that today was my third day on an anti-depressant.

So far this feels pretty great. It's not a druggy, narcotic thing like the ADD amphetamines meds I used to take. I just seem to have more mental energy, more focus, and I don't get into the negative thought patterns (about myself and my potential to do something worthwhile) that I usually do.

And yet I'm not numb to my emotions at all. I've been on the verge of tears a bunch of times today over the shooting, and at work I listened to some black metal because I was so angry about the shooting (and I almost never listen to black metal), and then later some of the really heavy, angry Miles stuff because I was feeling low about the shooting. And then at home, my kid was falling apart and I was totally engaged with him.

I'm having a hard time tamping down my expectations about the long-term effect this could have on my emotional state and my ability to function. Apparently there are no major negative side affects for most people. It seems too good to be true.

^my experience pretty much, going on five years on the stuff (plus shrink visits roughly every six weeks).

I still get the "negative thought patterns", but they tend to be of shorter duration and lesser intensity. They also lack that physical dimension of feeling like I have toxic green bile running in my arteries.

Who knows what the long-term side effects are. Maybe we'll all sprout tails in twenty years' time. Right now it seems unambiguously worth it.

Still taking my vilazodone, feeling pretty much the same. Gonna step up to 20 in the next coupla days. Are feelings of worthlessness really a depressive symptom if they are founded in reality? (I am half-kidding.)

My mom has been in generally shitty health for the past several years, and she has a bad flu right now, so it's kind of freaking me out. She is a real champ*, unlike her pussy daughter, so I know she must be really bad off if she's visibly suffering so much. The inevitable day that is coming is not gonna be good for my extremely fragile mental health.

*has dealt with open-heart surgery & really intense anti-viral treatment for hep C with remarkable grit, and just generally has a level of determination and energy that is completely lost on me

don't be so hard on yourself, emilys. you aren't worthless, that could just be the voice in you that hates yourself. that voice is a douche. there's a part of you that loves yourself ... otherwise you wouldn't be in therapy right now. the fact that you are in therapy shows you're strong. stronger than a lot of people I know who struggle.

emilys. i am p sure your mom would tell you she loves and admires you and thinks you are also a champ, not a pussy. the trick is you need to believe she's right and stop listening to the voice inside you that says she's wrong.

Ugh I dunno if it's this time of year or what, been feeling worse this past week than I have in months. The year's been objectively pretty good to me overall but I don't feel that way, and the lack of anything external to blame it on makes me feel guilty for not being more appreciative? Right now I find it hard to acknowledge any progress I've made and I just focus on how my life still isn't what I want it to be.

Ugh, I thought I was getting better cause I had nowhere to go but up after feeling suicidal a few weeks ago, except I'm getting worse these past few days and I just randomly broke down crying for no goddamn reason.

this happens to me every now and again when i feel low. it's a good release though. try and surround yourself with friends as much as you can. also, i think you're the best! <3

all my friends live in the city and i live 45 minutes out and don't really have any expendable gas/bus money though :/

so yeah, i haven't really seen any of my friends in weeks

ugh, i pretty much stay in my house all the time bc i can't afford to go anywhere

sorry that sucks dude. i went through a period of being very down and very disconnected from friends for various reasons. i remember chatting to irl friends online sometimes made it worse and made me feel even more isolated. try and get some fresh air and human interaction even if it's strangers.

Rev, it's a really small thing, but I hope you are supplementing with vitamin D. The lack of sun around Portland these past two months has been brutal.

It's been more than two years since I've lived there, but the same applies up here in the Seattle area, true.

therapy's blowing my mind right now. i feel like i'm doing all the heavy lifting ... like, my therapist listens and throws out some ideas, offers some perspective, then i take that run with it ... i'm guessing that's how it should be? it's sure as hell working. i feel like i'm finally putting my overactive imagination to good use.

woah that was a little upbeat, guess i'm just enthused to see a little speck of light after years of darkness.

that's how it works

yep.

I dunno, it's not that I'm never happy, it's just that I'm sad a lot more often than is healthy.

is this shitstain of a year over yet?

not quite unfortunately

just a quick general question. are there really people out there who can genuinely -care- about people, like, from the heart? real caring? is that some kind-of illusion? my only experience from people is that they're out to use you for something, to get something from you for themselve and leave you out to dry when they're done. never had the good luck to happen upon one of these mythical beings who cared about you for the sake of you. is this childishly naive? i feel like my life experience is reminiscent of a william friedkin movie. i'm trying to get over my cynicism, but it's hard thinking of examples where there are truly good hearted people out there who took the time to give a crap.

if it's the case everyone's just out for themselves, then i might as well be a prick, too. i don't want to chase rainbows or other cliche phrases like that.

No dude. There really are people out there that like people and love people and treat them with kindness.

You might not have any in your life right now, or you might not be able to recognize it or accept it right now if it is there.

I have a hard time with gifts or compliments. "Why are you doing this? I am confused. You know I'm shit, what is your motive for pretending otherwise?"

It's a hard time of year. Thoughts of my family infuriate me, and the desire for that "old-fashioned Christmas" stuff hurts if I think too much. Working retail, at least I can be consumed by the work.

Spectrum, what ZT said. Also, here is a story about some people who definitely really care about people.

12th president otm

thanks ZT. totally hear you man about the family x-mas shit. holiday season will be over soon and then it's back to business as usual.

i have to believe there are people out there who can care, i feel that myself so it can't be that rare, just hard to express it when i see ulterior motives everywhere... they're all strangers, though, so that's prob just normal. it sounds like hell, like real hell, if everyone's really just out for themselves. what kind-of life is that to live, to just extract from others and peace out? the times i've done it i felt nothing but guilt for it. what emptiness to just live for yourself. yuggghhh.

"i want sex" "i want love" "i want everyone to like me" "i don't want to be alone" ... i see what you want. is this a bargain or something? how do we set our temporary contracts here? maybe i'm too much of a romantic, too emotional or something, who the heck knows.

i don't know, i just feel like people only pretend to give a fuck and they expect you to play along in this stupid game of pretend where we all act like we care but don't. nominal attention takes precedence over genuineness ... an act of thought to resemble thought as opposed to real thought. what the crap is that? might as well just be straight about it. yet when you call a spade a spade and see through all the bullshit, you get called out on not playing this stupid game nobody wants to play anyway but we all have to because we expect it cuz it's just the way it is. oh life!!! what a ridiculous thing.

i wish i could shoot myself in the heart sometimes

You have to understand though, that yes caring is a two-way street. People are indeed more likely to care about someone who cares about them too, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. That's simply the way human relationships work. You're not the only one who needs someone to care for them.

It seems to me your problems are a) you don't want to care about anyone else because you feel it's false, and b) you reject other people who care about you for the same reasons. Neither of these things are conducive to creating the mutuality that is required for actual care to exist.

yeah, maybe i need to give other people a shot. i pin my experiences on the few bad people out there, not so much on the good. cognitive distortion shit still. i also throw my attention at bad instead of good ... ugh. thanks dude. looks like i need to spend a few more years up in the himalayas.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't expect empathy unless you're willing to give it.

but on the other hand, if you give empathy in the expectation of getting it in return, you're not doing it right.

the easiest way to make sure that there are people in the world who genuinely care about others is to be one of them.

well, trying to be one. it's almost impossible to be one all the time.

http://i.imgur.com/JEEIn.jpg

"what kind-of life is that to live, to just extract from others and peace out?"
http://www.sonorannews.com/archives/2011/110615/1110615-Images/POTW-Tinkerbell.jpg

pretty awesome life is what kind it is.

Thank christ we're past the shortest day

Thank christ we're past Christmas

haha

so gracious of him to have only one bday a year

it's like rain on yr wedding day