pearls of wisdom from the thanksgiving dinner table

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Over many years, I've gotten my biological clock adjusted properly -various mental strategies and defensive hormones kick in- so that Thanksgiving I can actually take (fingers xed for Xmas). Forgive my if I bogart the thread, but there's a certain kind of upbeat chatter on all the OTHER days of the year, when some have forgotten to take down the holiday cheer, that really gets under my skin. Breakfast time example: "This is the BEST orange juice!" said for some mysterious reason in all seriousness while holding Tropicana carton aloft, perhaps as some sort of benediction, a prognostication of a good day for one and all.

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:53 (nineteen years ago) link

mom: i've always wanted to watch oprah, i hear people talking about it a lot.
aunt: yes, i've never seen oprah either, but you know who's great? ellen degeneres!
cousin: yes, she's hilarious!
uncle: very funny lady.
mom: oh yes?
uncle: and you know, she's a lesbian.
*uncle's entire family nods knowingly*
uncle: you have to watch lesbians on tv so they can get equal rights.
*long pause*
cousin: actually, she kind of creeps me out.

― j c (j c), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:55 (nineteen years ago) link

otmfm

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 17:02 (nineteen years ago) link

Right now have lost any shred of sang-froid I may have pretended to earlier, as I come to icy realization that my Thanksgiving holiday is going into extra innings, if you catch my drift, and my 24-hour T-day protective power pill has long since worn off. More "best glasses of Tropicana ever" to drink, "best slices of Kraft Swiss" to eat, and more, many more pretty, oh so pretty decorative arrangements to have my attention called to, holiday and everyday, floral and otherwise, both in and out of doors. Father Christmas, give us some money!

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:25 (nineteen years ago) link

the Sims bitch each other out

― kingfish (Kingfish), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:31 (nineteen years ago) link

NO, she would dress it up like THE LAST EMPEROR AND make it eat mushy tofu and give it pork bones to play with and try to teach it chinese by giving it a book and make it watch ONE LIFE TO LIVE when it wants to watch THE LITTLE RASCALS.

I shouldn't be laughing this hard, but I am.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:42 (nineteen years ago) link

"Dont eat them green deepfried wasabi balls...them shits aint no good...i dont care what the hell your mother says..."

― Spinktor, Friday, 26 November 2004 20:44 (nineteen years ago) link

As for us, everyone in the family is hard of hearing. So frustrating. A lot of "What?" and the necessary follow-up "What?" from everyone else at the table. Yeah, funny fuckers are we.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:44 (nineteen years ago) link

Lil Jon promotes de(a)fness

― kingfish (Kingfish), Friday, 26 November 2004 22:03 (nineteen years ago) link

William: "Buh."
Me: "Ball."
W: "Buh."
M: "Ball."
W: "Buh."
M: "Buh."
W: "Buh."

Then I give my godson his ball.

W: "SQUEE-AH-AH!"

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Friday, 26 November 2004 22:07 (nineteen years ago) link

On the other hand, my grandmother asked me yesterday how school was.

I haven't gone to school in over eleven years.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Friday, 26 November 2004 22:14 (nineteen years ago) link

I missed the big dinner with family this year so here's one from a couple of years ago:

My 85 year old widowed aunt Ruth had recently remarried. She's pretty right wingish and a longstanding member of the Daughters Of The American Revolution. Her new husband, Jim, a suit dressed, dapper sort of older gentleman, at one point proposed a toast. We all reached for a glass to lift in reverence as he recited:

Here's to the breezes
That flow through the treeses
And through the girls' kneeses
And up their chemises

There were a few small laughs, folks drank, and things proceeeded from there. Somehow, my brother and I managed to control our emotions of that moment and stepped outside shortly thereafter and proceeded to laugh our asses off for about a half an hour.

― jim wentworth (wench), Saturday, 27 November 2004 04:31 (nineteen years ago) link

I heard Barack Obama was "talented."

― Sanjay McDougal (jaymc), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:20 (nineteen years ago) link

Compared to "articulate," that's perfectly fair.

John, I think we're the only two people awake right now.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:23 (nineteen years ago) link

I am too, and he was just on Letterman. I think we can give the relatives a pass on this because he is noticeably more well-spoken than any politician, or public figure in general.

― nickn (nickn), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:29 (nineteen years ago) link

This much is true.

< /Spandau Ballet >

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:33 (nineteen years ago) link

From two years ago:

Step-Grandmother: "Most homosexuals are quite well-off."

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:35 (nineteen years ago) link

hahahaha ha ha haha HA

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:39 (nineteen years ago) link

The context was something like:
"Why would Elizabeth Taylor want to marry a gay?"
"Why would he want to marry her? For the money?"
"Not likely. Most homosexuals are quite well off."

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Well, now we know that discrimination against homosexuals is officially over. They're all RICH, after all.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:43 (nineteen years ago) link

That's what got me. Like the government writes you a big check if you come out of the closet. Or is the implication that only someone living a life of wealth, privilege and leisure would "decide" to be gay? I dunno, either way it cracked me up.

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:48 (nineteen years ago) link

It's a strong argument aginst Will and Grace, either way.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:17 (nineteen years ago) link

Like the government writes you a big check if you come out of the closet. Or is the implication that only someone living a life of wealth, privilege and leisure would "decide" to be gay

Like the government writes you a big check if you are born Jewish. Or is the implication that only someone living a life of wealth, privilege and leisure would "decide" to be a Jew?

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:25 (nineteen years ago) link

OK Momus

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Well, come on. Absurd is absurd.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:29 (nineteen years ago) link

There's seven gay bankers that control the world economy.

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:39 (nineteen years ago) link

That's the spirit.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:41 (nineteen years ago) link

Carey, why did you go home? I thought you had given that up?

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 27 November 2004 17:21 (nineteen years ago) link

two years pass...

"Did you hear about the Amish woman who took another lover? She likes two Mennonite." (men a night, obv, ho ho, punny!)

-- Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Friday, November 26, 2004 4:10 PM (2 years ago)

Wait, kenan, was she a J-Dub?

― Abbott, Monday, 19 November 2007 19:44 (sixteen years ago) link

nine years pass...

Don't know if you heard about this or not, but wikipedia stole the election from Hillary.

― pplains, Friday, 25 November 2016 01:46 (seven years ago) link

five years pass...

Let the Seasonal Stockholm Syndrome begin!

― Meet Me in the Z'Ha'Dum (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 18 November 2022 14:26 (one year ago) link

😳

― Meet Me in the Z'Ha'Dum (James Redd and the Blecchs), Tuesday, 22 November 2022 23:15 (one year ago) link

i have curated my family feed such that I don't get bad opinions

― Lord Pickles (Boring, Maryland), Tuesday, 22 November 2022 23:26 (one year ago) link

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