Homemade Jokes

correction, I'm losing my shit at most of them haha

mum; we can eat camels you know honey
dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS

that one could be an I LOVE CRICKET: THE CHINATOWN OF ILX: THE CHINATOWN OF ILX thread title

What did the goat say to the dog

nice buttock you loser

There was a man with a ham sandwich sitting on a bench in a park. Next to him was a woman with a dog, and the man said “can I throw him a bit?”
The woman said “yes, OK”, so the man picked the dog up and threw him in the pond.

Q.what did batman say to robin before they got in the car

A.get in the car

Did you hear they accept debit cards at the dump now? You can ask for trash back!

this is great

q: why did the ilxor cross the road?

a: she had room for only one McCarthy novel in her ballot, and blood meridian would probably be underrepresented in the poll

Bad Kids Jokes Special: The Unanswered Jokes

Submissions by different kids, all without answers.

why did the goat eat a baloon

WHY DID THE POO CROSS THE ROAD

Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIG THAT SHOOTS

how does a penguin get to school

how many dinosaurs can fit in a smart car

why did a cat smak his face

Whats a banana’s favourite dance move?

Why Did The Apple Go To The Toliet?

Do you no the chicken who went to the city to buy a hat

how many pickles do watermelons have

How many cats in the treasure chest?
A: 23
B: 4
C: 176

Joke I literally dreamed this morning:

Monica Lewinsky is giving her clothes away to her celebrity friends. Naturally, Beyonce got the free cum dress.

holy shit.

Did you hear about the grape who liked sunbathing? - He said it was his raison d'etre

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIG THAT SHOOTS

bac-gun

What was Popeye's favorite Led Zeppelin song?
Olive My Love

Can't tell whether it's no longer his favorite because they split or because he's dead. But solid.

Popeye has to be dead. I mean, come on.

how many dinosaurs can fit in a smart car

I'm getting very religious about drinking probiotic yogurt drinks - i'm thinking of joining a yakult.

What happened when all the judges agreed which was the best tasting ramen? Their verdict was umamimous.

So sorry.

what's the best part about letting casey anthony babysit for you?

she'll kill your kid.

Why did the American take his British date to an estate auction?

Because she told him she was turned on by heirless chests.

^ laughed!

that's great

i've just been putting all my heavy metal albums in strict alphabetical then chronological order. i have oc/dc.

why was 2 afraid of 1? because 187 on an undercover cop

those are both great!

i've just been putting all my heavy metal albums in strict alphabetical then chronological order. i have oc/dc.

― koogs, Wednesday, January 9, 2013 10:15 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

reminds me of a Steven Wright Joke: "I have HDADHD -- I have a lot of trouble concentrating, but when I do it's REALLY clear"

(am determined someone's going to laugh at this, cumbersome though it is.)

i see Disney are remaking their animated film about intelligent rats, updated so the rats have specialised knowledge of new battery technology, 'The Secret Of NiMH'.

(oh, it wasn't disney, but a bunch of disney animators who left and set up their own company)

I like the OCDC one a lot.

i like the nimh joke, especially since it actually relates back to the rats' use of electricity in the original.

What did Santa Claus say when he saw three hookers? "Ho ho ho"

-m p

that was a very bad attempt at a thumbs down emoticon

Perhaps you have not heard of Marvin Gaye's lesser known Jewish cousin, Moishe Gaye?

He scored a minor hit in the 1970s with "Inner Shtetl Blues (Makes Me Want a Challah)"

i was ()_() until "makes me wanna challah" and then i was IRL LOL

When Bruce Banner branched out into convenience foods, what did he call his potato side dish?

HULK'S MASH.

Was Lauren Laverne on the judging panel of American Idol?

No, it was just a Kenickie mirage

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Nein

simple yet great

So did you guys hear about the hamburger chain that had to close down because it was spending too much on the highest quality ingredients?

I guess the perfect was the enemy of the goodburger.

Q. Who is Guy Fieri's favorite rapper?

A. Entrée 3000

Q. What is Guy Fieri's favorite wrapper?

A. Snickers

Q. What is Paula Radcliffe's favorite wrapper?

A. Marathon

So I don't know if I've told you about my new career, but I've become a shoemaker to the stars. That's right, a shoemaker to the stars. For example, these boots were made for Walken.

brilliant

Q: Which Wu-Tang member is the greatest actor?
A: Method Man.

"Hey Corey, I'm gonna go to that yoga class, wanna come?"
"Nah, I'm-a stay."

I approve of that joke