given my recent bout with insomnia I opted to rewatch Into the Night last night since it was on demand.... it's pretty stupid, kinda a weird thing for Landis to do. too much coke probably? very underwritten. it's like the west coast version of After Hours only not as good/interesting. also features Bowie pre-getting-his-teeth fixed.
xp
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:02 (eleven years ago) link
thx for the suggestions Jon. yeah I have some Les Baxter, altho the recording quality is not good. I've found that classical music tends to have too much silence/too many pauses in it lol
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:04 (eleven years ago) link
VG otm - you're mentally vulnerable right now, everything is gonna feel 1000x harder to cope with.
Wish nothing but the best for you - it sounds like hell. I'm watching my sister deal with chronic illness, and seeing how tough life is for her right now... I just really feel for you, and your family (I'm sure it's hard on you're pregnant wife, setting you suffer).
― just1n3, Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:27 (eleven years ago) link
she has been really strong through all this. we are getting some help from friends and family, who have helped with our daughter and bringing us food and stuff, for which I am eternally grateful. but my wife has a well of fortitude that is really just unbelievable.
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:30 (eleven years ago) link
that's good to have.
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:32 (eleven years ago) link
yeah she is the best. I am very lucky.
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:33 (eleven years ago) link
can someone post me some "hang in there" kitten gifs or something. this is the worst time of the day for me
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 22:59 (eleven years ago) link
can I listen to Gang Starr and take notes on a conference call at the same time? let's find out
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:00 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.bz1-img.com/images_customers/07/64/27664147_201997_full.jpg
― have a sandwich or ice cream sandwich (Jordan), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:08 (eleven years ago) link
now I am the guy that calls the doctor every day to see if there's been any cancellations
This isn't just Kaiser directed but by no means have any compunction about being the squeaky wheel looking for oil. The 'efficiency' of big institutions is indifferent to your specific case and being a pain-in-the-ass is often the only way to get adequate care.
― Un monde où tout le monde est heureux, même les riches (Michael White), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:09 (eleven years ago) link
http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/6/19/f4de4012-1bbb-4202-8468-df620679ad6d.jpg
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:10 (eleven years ago) link
I believe in u shakey. With a firmness that rivals adamantium.
― you only write about... pleassssure (Jon Lewis), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:15 (eleven years ago) link
shakey, if you are a person who can cry it might help you to get some privacy and cry your eyes out. be as self-pitying and furious and afraid as you like, it won't affect anyone else and you'll get rid of some physical and emotional tension. it can be very cathartic. a lot of the horribleness of health problems etc. comes from fighting them, not wanting to accept them, and i think crying can help lead to the surrender that hopefully leads to a bit of peace. i had debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome for several years in my early 20s and when i finally stopped spending all day resisting it things improved, even though i was still physically ill. i am really sorry you're going through this.
― estela, Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:33 (eleven years ago) link
estela otm
― you only write about... pleassssure (Jon Lewis), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 23:37 (eleven years ago) link
At the very least, several good long screams into a pillow would be something different to listen to. Continued best wishes/good luck, Shakey.
― WilliamC, Thursday, 29 November 2012 00:38 (eleven years ago) link
time for some daily affirmations
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 16:44 (eleven years ago) link
I am going to make it through another day with this
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 17:09 (eleven years ago) link
HELL YEAH YOU ARE
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 17:47 (eleven years ago) link
https://vondoviak.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/roadwarrior.jpg
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 17:48 (eleven years ago) link
took 2 trazadone and half an ambien to go to sleep last night. woke up at like 3:30 - took another half an ambien but it didn't seem to do anything so I just lay there sort of half-asleep until finally dozing off again around 5:00. I understand why the psych nurse has been telling me to cut down the ambien, but this high a dose of trazadone seems to be giving me some weird side effects, maybe I should cut back on that too argh
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 18:20 (eleven years ago) link
what kind of side effects are u having
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 18:36 (eleven years ago) link
still a bit jittery, albeit not as bad as before. but also since I've started taking two a night I've noticed my vision is sort of weird - not blurry exactly, but more sensitive to light
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 18:44 (eleven years ago) link
I guess on the upside they're not as *bad* as before, but still. hopefully you'll eventually get to a new kind of normal once you find the right mix of drugs
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 18:57 (eleven years ago) link
for a little bit last night while I was in bed I was not aware of the tinnitus, it had merged with the cricket sounds of the noise machine I had and I could let my mind wander about various things, which seemed good even if I wasn't sleeping. and when I was asleep I had dreams, which has not been the case for awhile. so that seems like a positive.
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 19:00 (eleven years ago) link
that's progress!
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 19:05 (eleven years ago) link
so here's a weird thing that happened last night. I was going down the stairs and I noticed that when I put weight down on the balls of my feet and cocked my head to the right, I heard this weird balloon-rubbing sort of sound in my left ear (the one with the tinnitus). It didn't change the tinnitus, but it did it with every step I took. It felt like some weird circulation/pressure thing trying to work itself out. So then I went up and down the stairs a bunch of times, hopped around in the kitchen etc for like 10 minutes.
wtf body
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 21:22 (eleven years ago) link
also fuck you tinnitus
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 21:23 (eleven years ago) link
today has been Merle Haggard pretty much all day
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:02 (eleven years ago) link
merle's good company
that's kinda weird what you said about that pressure feeling in yr ear. no idea what it means though, lol
~it is a mystery~
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:09 (eleven years ago) link
once i had this crackling in my ear for like a week, every time i moved my head or swallowed. i had an appointment with an audiologist anyway (for ear plugs) and it turns out i had a hair stuck right against my ear drum, so it was acting like a piece of paper against a speaker. she went in with her little camera and tweezers and i was all good.
― have a sandwich or ice cream sandwich (Jordan), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:11 (eleven years ago) link
wow
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:12 (eleven years ago) link
when I put weight down on the balls of my feet and cocked my head to the right, I heard this weird balloon-rubbing sort of sound in my left ear (the one with the tinnitus). It didn't change the tinnitus, but it did it with every step I took. It felt like some weird circulation/pressure thing trying to work itself out.
That definitely sounds like something physical going on maybe in the eustachean tubes. Almost like whenm you get water in the ears after swimming! I assume all that's been investigated already though? (like in-ear obstructions and etc?)
I know what you mean by it tho - i often get odd noises of all kinds in my head from pressure changes/pops/head tilts/jaw cracks. I guess Ive got used to having a noisy head! :|
― Una Stubbs' Tears (Trayce), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:14 (eleven years ago) link
Like for eg if I tip myself upside down (say if I did a handstand or bent over) my head FILLS with a high pressure swooshing, noisy blood-moving-round noise.
― Una Stubbs' Tears (Trayce), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:15 (eleven years ago) link
yeah ENT's checked me out twice, as has an audiologist and they've said my ears are fine - no fluid, blockages, infections, etc. (I am still waiting to get an MRI)
I do have a history of weird sinus things and the physical aspect of this has really mystified me. like if it was just my brain/hearing problems, why does my ear physically feel different? who knows
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:21 (eleven years ago) link
fwiw I noticed a very subtle similar creaking/balloon-rubbing sort of sound several times in my left ear that corresponded to my walking gait a couple months prior to this happening
maybe it's not related, I dunno
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:24 (eleven years ago) link
u shd start documenting them and give yr notes to the doctor for yr next appointment, in case there's any pattern
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:25 (eleven years ago) link
there are sinuses they can only see on MRI so maybe something is going on in one of them. would be sort of unlikely but this whole thing has been so strange
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:27 (eleven years ago) link
when I told the ENT about feeling like my left ear's pressure was off/unbalanced he was pretty much just "eh, we don't really understand how these nerves work exactly, could be psychosomatic" etc.
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:32 (eleven years ago) link
God I hate specialists. They can be so dismissive. Mine was dreadful, he told me off for mispronouncing "tinnitus", he was brusque and spoke way too fast and acted like it was NBD to go over complicated surgery discussions. He might do it every day but I bloody dont! Waste of $300 if you ask me. (tho having a fibreoptic camera run up my nose and down my throat and seeing it in full colour on TV was awesome).
― Una Stubbs' Tears (Trayce), Thursday, 29 November 2012 23:42 (eleven years ago) link
he was sympathetic to my sufferin, but I think he was dismissive of anything he couldn't actually see
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 30 November 2012 00:00 (eleven years ago) link
but yeah I feel you
I'm gonna be better one day goddammit
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 30 November 2012 16:47 (eleven years ago) link
I got your back dude. It'll happen.
― EZ Snappin, Friday, 30 November 2012 16:53 (eleven years ago) link
had a weird night's sleep - only took one trazadone and half an ambien (the smallest amt of drugs I've taken to sleep in maybe a month). I know I slept cuz I had dreams but seemed like I was waking up every hour or two
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 30 November 2012 17:09 (eleven years ago) link
Waylon Jennings today. stuff with a background of clean acoustic guitar strumming seems good lately.
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 30 November 2012 18:04 (eleven years ago) link
i approve of yr tinnitus playlist so far
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 30 November 2012 18:05 (eleven years ago) link
I listened to Dolly's two recent bluegrass albums a shit-ton this week. more stuff that sounds like that needed, I guess
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 30 November 2012 18:08 (eleven years ago) link
another day with this bullshit
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Monday, 3 December 2012 17:08 (eleven years ago) link
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/12/03/living-with-a-sound-you-can%E2%80%99t-turn-off/
― del griffith, Monday, 3 December 2012 17:39 (eleven years ago) link
yeah I saw that. Kaiser not really offering me anything like that, unfortunately altho were I Dutch I would be seeking that guy's team out...
I feel at least psychologically I'm coping a little better. sleep is fitful but I feel like I'm on a semi-regular routine and def much better off the zoloft. yesterday I went to a craft fair with my mom and the wife and daughter and being in in a crowded space like that with a lot of low-level background noise was helpful for distracting me from the tinnitus ... unfortunately the stress of the tinnitus has resulted in me having random shoulder pain and sinus headaches so there was still that to contend with. I am, uh, getting a lot of backrubs at least.
― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Monday, 3 December 2012 17:44 (eleven years ago) link