Shakey Mo's thread of misery

I asked her to sign me up. I don't really know what to expect.

kaiser moves so slow and I'm like NOW NOW NOW

afternoons are the fucking worst

I know how hard it is and I'm really sorry. Have faith if you can; some of us have been to this chasm and come back better than ever, for real.

friend of mine found this show and said "ah, now I get what you're going through"

http://www.kcrw.com/media-player/mediaPlayer2.html?type=audio&id=uf121127silence

thx aero

yeah I am trying to be hopeful

I really hope you can find some peace with this man. I've been putting off going to an audiologist about my hearing: I'm supposed to have a punctured eadrum fixed but the surgery scares me and doesnt even guarantee full hearing recovery (and has a risk of worse tinnitus! no thanks), so I'm weighing up that v a hearing aid. Urgh.

no zoloft today. feel a little physically more together, still kind of shaky. my wife is of the definite opinion that it made me worse and that I look better so that's something.

trying to just cope and act normal, get into a routine

now I am the guy that calls the doctor every day to see if there's been any cancellations

I'm gonna get better goddammit

my dad and his partner are constantly emphasizing that I should get into some talk therapy asap (of course, the earliest appt I can get is still a week away). it's weird cuz I didn't feel like I really had any issues before this happened and now I'm like, was I in denial/is there something I was burying? I felt pretty good before this happened, felt like I was ready for a new baby etc. Relationship w/my wife is good, job is good, band was plugging along.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZrxT4-q5Hrw/UH1kIPawjqI/AAAAAAAAJeg/7f8TCiH2Wao/s1600/you-can-do-it.jpg

ha

anyone know any good vibraphone-heavy albums that do not have a fucking saxophone on them

― Force Boxman (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, November 21, 2012 6:28 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Tim Buckley - Dream Letter Live. The timbre of his vocals might be in a covering range for you too?
Also, if Martin Denny was helping go directly to Les Baxter.
And I feel like the orchestral music of Messiaen is full of timbres that could be good concealers.

I really feel for you, man. Thinking of u often.

xxpost it might be that you were toodling along just fine before all this -- but the anxiety brought on by the tinnitus is something new that, unchecked, can feed into a lot of other aspects of your life. the talk therapy should be really helpful in coralling & managing the anxiety, even if you still have to deal with the tinnitus.

is my guess :)

given my recent bout with insomnia I opted to rewatch Into the Night last night since it was on demand.... it's pretty stupid, kinda a weird thing for Landis to do. too much coke probably? very underwritten. it's like the west coast version of After Hours only not as good/interesting. also features Bowie pre-getting-his-teeth fixed.

xp

thx for the suggestions Jon. yeah I have some Les Baxter, altho the recording quality is not good. I've found that classical music tends to have too much silence/too many pauses in it lol

VG otm - you're mentally vulnerable right now, everything is gonna feel 1000x harder to cope with.

Wish nothing but the best for you - it sounds like hell. I'm watching my sister deal with chronic illness, and seeing how tough life is for her right now... I just really feel for you, and your family (I'm sure it's hard on you're pregnant wife, setting you suffer).

she has been really strong through all this. we are getting some help from friends and family, who have helped with our daughter and bringing us food and stuff, for which I am eternally grateful. but my wife has a well of fortitude that is really just unbelievable.

that's good to have.

yeah she is the best. I am very lucky.

can someone post me some "hang in there" kitten gifs or something. this is the worst time of the day for me

can I listen to Gang Starr and take notes on a conference call at the same time? let's find out

http://www.bz1-img.com/images_customers/07/64/27664147_201997_full.jpg

now I am the guy that calls the doctor every day to see if there's been any cancellations

This isn't just Kaiser directed but by no means have any compunction about being the squeaky wheel looking for oil. The 'efficiency' of big institutions is indifferent to your specific case and being a pain-in-the-ass is often the only way to get adequate care.

http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/6/19/f4de4012-1bbb-4202-8468-df620679ad6d.jpg

I believe in u shakey. With a firmness that rivals adamantium.

shakey, if you are a person who can cry it might help you to get some privacy and cry your eyes out. be as self-pitying and furious and afraid as you like, it won't affect anyone else and you'll get rid of some physical and emotional tension. it can be very cathartic. a lot of the horribleness of health problems etc. comes from fighting them, not wanting to accept them, and i think crying can help lead to the surrender that hopefully leads to a bit of peace. i had debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome for several years in my early 20s and when i finally stopped spending all day resisting it things improved, even though i was still physically ill. i am really sorry you're going through this.

estela otm

At the very least, several good long screams into a pillow would be something different to listen to. Continued best wishes/good luck, Shakey.

time for some daily affirmations

I am going to make it through another day with this

HELL YEAH YOU ARE

https://vondoviak.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/roadwarrior.jpg

took 2 trazadone and half an ambien to go to sleep last night. woke up at like 3:30 - took another half an ambien but it didn't seem to do anything so I just lay there sort of half-asleep until finally dozing off again around 5:00. I understand why the psych nurse has been telling me to cut down the ambien, but this high a dose of trazadone seems to be giving me some weird side effects, maybe I should cut back on that too argh

what kind of side effects are u having

still a bit jittery, albeit not as bad as before. but also since I've started taking two a night I've noticed my vision is sort of weird - not blurry exactly, but more sensitive to light

I guess on the upside they're not as *bad* as before, but still. hopefully you'll eventually get to a new kind of normal once you find the right mix of drugs

for a little bit last night while I was in bed I was not aware of the tinnitus, it had merged with the cricket sounds of the noise machine I had and I could let my mind wander about various things, which seemed good even if I wasn't sleeping. and when I was asleep I had dreams, which has not been the case for awhile. so that seems like a positive.

that's progress!

so here's a weird thing that happened last night. I was going down the stairs and I noticed that when I put weight down on the balls of my feet and cocked my head to the right, I heard this weird balloon-rubbing sort of sound in my left ear (the one with the tinnitus). It didn't change the tinnitus, but it did it with every step I took. It felt like some weird circulation/pressure thing trying to work itself out. So then I went up and down the stairs a bunch of times, hopped around in the kitchen etc for like 10 minutes.

wtf body

also fuck you tinnitus

today has been Merle Haggard pretty much all day

merle's good company

that's kinda weird what you said about that pressure feeling in yr ear. no idea what it means though, lol

~it is a mystery~

once i had this crackling in my ear for like a week, every time i moved my head or swallowed. i had an appointment with an audiologist anyway (for ear plugs) and it turns out i had a hair stuck right against my ear drum, so it was acting like a piece of paper against a speaker. she went in with her little camera and tweezers and i was all good.

wow

when I put weight down on the balls of my feet and cocked my head to the right, I heard this weird balloon-rubbing sort of sound in my left ear (the one with the tinnitus). It didn't change the tinnitus, but it did it with every step I took. It felt like some weird circulation/pressure thing trying to work itself out.

That definitely sounds like something physical going on maybe in the eustachean tubes. Almost like whenm you get water in the ears after swimming! I assume all that's been investigated already though? (like in-ear obstructions and etc?)

I know what you mean by it tho - i often get odd noises of all kinds in my head from pressure changes/pops/head tilts/jaw cracks. I guess Ive got used to having a noisy head! :|

Like for eg if I tip myself upside down (say if I did a handstand or bent over) my head FILLS with a high pressure swooshing, noisy blood-moving-round noise.

yeah ENT's checked me out twice, as has an audiologist and they've said my ears are fine - no fluid, blockages, infections, etc. (I am still waiting to get an MRI)

I do have a history of weird sinus things and the physical aspect of this has really mystified me. like if it was just my brain/hearing problems, why does my ear physically feel different? who knows

fwiw I noticed a very subtle similar creaking/balloon-rubbing sort of sound several times in my left ear that corresponded to my walking gait a couple months prior to this happening

maybe it's not related, I dunno

u shd start documenting them and give yr notes to the doctor for yr next appointment, in case there's any pattern