Depression and what it's really like

many offer a sliding scale to uninsured clients; the psychology today therapist finder lets you filter on this criterion. xp

are there pro bono therapists like there are lawyers?

i don't know about pro bono but there are sliding scale therapists for sure. a lot of non-profit or city-funded health organizations have no-cost mental health services, if you can get in, but it's very much a get what you pay for situation in my experience. don't go expecting the hour in the couch of tv drama fame.

or what he said.

thanks for the support, dudes and ladies. last night's session went well, we worked on relationship stuff. i'm learning what the core of my problem is, i'm deathly afraid of getting close to people and asserting my boundaries/rights, etc. makes sense ... i was supposed to have thanksgiving with my two older brothers, but they blew me off to see a football game together, so i'm on my own. which is par for the course with my family. bunch of rotten bastards.

Damn, where are you? Maybe an ilxor can adopt you for thanksgiving.

nj. i'll be alright. just realizing now i'm probably better off without my family in my life for a while. like, if i want this therapy stuff to work, i need to start seeing myself and other people in a new context. in the context of my family i'm pretty damn worthless and have no recourse to change that, but they'll manipulate my emotions to keep me around ... for what, exactly? not like they want to spend time with me or do anything except treat me like less than a person to feel better about their own bullshit... it's a crappy relationship contract, in therapist terms. i'm sick of living like this, so they can all go to hell while i make a new life for myself.

you know what sucks ass? they're literally 3 miles from my apartment, but they still don't want to see me. "hey matt, happy thanksgiving! uhhh ... maybe in a couple of weeks or something you can come up here and hang out ... anyway, talk to you later! YEAH! BIG GAME! WOO!" same thing happened with my mom, didn't come see me graduate law school for no reason whatsoever. the rest of the fam' talked to me for about 15 minutes before bailing on me. spent more time that day with my friends' family than my own. then they make me feel like they don't want to spend time with me because i'm bad or evil or something, when i've opened my heart to them so many times. what a bunch of assholes. yeah, slightly alcohol fueled rant here.

They certainly sound like assholes. Have a good night and try not to get maudlin drunk..!

Damn, that's rough. Easier said than done, but try to get far away from those asswipes if you can. If not physically, then emotionally. Don't despair---there are a lot of people out there with awful families who end up building their own awesome families of friends.

The following happened in the past 48 hours:

- Property manager for my house comes by... The owner is putting it on the market, so I'll have to move out in the next month or too. I'm hoping that whoever buys it will want to keep it as rental property and keep me on, but in the meantime I have to deal with agents/buyers coming by.
- My mom calls my sister up and complains about severe pain in her foot. Overnights in the hospital, but tests don't find anything.
- My sister learns that all the lights in my mom's house have burned out and that my mom has been navigating around the house by flashlight. Mom is 88 and has been a severe hoarder for ALL her life*. So yesterday I go down to replace all the lights. I haven't been there in some time - 3 to 4 feet tall glaciers of unopened mail, old clothes and junk have left little moraines of paper and trash everywhere. It's one thing to talk about records and events that happened ten or twenty years ago, but I find things of mine I haven't seen in forty years: stuffed animals, books, toy cars, a ceramic dinosaur I made in elementary school. Everything is covered in a half-inch layer of dust that leaves filth marks on your hand when you pick it up. Kept it together long enough to change the lightbulbs, but damn that DMT-strength rush of forgotten memories is overwhelming. Could actually feel the long-term storage synapses fire up again and bring back all the emotions of being 12 and having to go live with my dad.

On the drive back last night from changing the bulbs (two and a half hours in heavy holiday traffic) I decided to offset everything and make a pumpkin pie (have fresh roasted pumpkin in the fridge), but needed to get some brown sugar. Two different grocery stores in Glendale were completely sold out and as I got back into the car to find a third store I noticed a flood of disassociation come on so strong that I thought "OK, so this is what it feels like to completely lose it (whatever 'it' is)." Did find brown sugar at store #3 and the resulting pie was so good that I broke down and cried for a hour.

Not happy about potentially having to move. I'm still out of work and have been fighting for table scraps at the moment (fuck hiring a 47 year old when we can hire a college n00b for cheap). Considering throwing what I want to keep in storage, liquidating the rest, and just get a plane ticket for somewhere else. Didn't want to post this on the Thanksgiving thread as people are having a good time, but just to get this off my chest: I have zero emotional resonance with what a family is so fuck that and fuck all these goddamn holidays.

* Before you ask, no one else in my family (which is really just my sister at this point, my dad died 24 years ago, and my brother has been estranged from everyone for 15 years) really felt motivated enough to get help for my mom. Think it's too late now and my sister is adamant against rocking the boat.

o man, sorry

i am familiar with the hoarding

It's basically impossible for me to watch any of the Hoarding reality shows.

Lots if free-floating depressive anger today (both outwardly and inwardly directed)

It's been a hell of a week. Best wishes and vibes to you, ET.

xpost yeah emilys, i think that's what i have to do now. there's this love you feel for your family, but sometimes it just keeps you somewhere you shouldn't be. at least new relationships can start clean ... that's the good thing about therapy, it's helping me learn stuff and confront fears that's kept me stuck my whole life. sadly, the future's brighter without my family than with.

Best wishes to you too, Spectrum.

Elvis, no apologies are necessary on this thread! That sounds like a damn intense day.

Spectrum, glad to hear you wanting to take care of yourself. It's possible when you're stronger you'll be in a better position to negotiate and communicate with them. Then again some people are not interested in communicating. Sounds like there is a lot of detachment going on. Maybe your family has no idea how shitty they make you feel? As I've said, I'm often surprised I can hurt people because I'm so self-focused and feel like I don't really affect anyone. Maybe they need to know, at least your brothers. But for now try to focus on things and people who make you feel good.

Yeah, I hear that ... those thoughts ran through my own head a few times. But it's like...

Whenever I try to talk to anyone in my family about this stuff, they never accept responsibility and they shift the blame to me. I confronted my mom about ditching my graduation, and she said I was overreacting, and I actually believed her, and then I apologized for it! Then my relationship with her seemed OK for a while, then she drags me into some fight she was having with my grandfather, and she tells me he never loved me, he cared about his other grand kids more, shit like that, and it was a real headfuck. All the while within my relationship with her, it's perfectly OK for her to ditch me on her whim because she never apologized or showed any remorse whatsoever about it. If I do actually stand my ground I get called "the most selfish person in the world" by my other family members. It's always been like this. and I've been stuck in it my whole life.

Same goes with my two older brothers ... sometimes things are pretty OK for a while, then they act real friggin shitty towards me, and I say it annoys me, then they laugh it off or place the blame on me. My one brother even said flat out, "I don't respect you," after I confronted him about insulting me to other people in front of my face, smacking me upside the head, demeaning me, etc. He makes me feel like I ran over his dog and then pissed on its corpse, then sold heroin to his kid, etc., when I tell him I don't like him being a jackass to me.

Everyone in my family, immediate and extended, are absolutely friggin miserable, and I don't want to end up like them. I love them to death, but I keep getting dragged in ... and my role as garbage dump/nonentity never changes because they never admit they're wrong -- I'm always wrong. and if I do something wrong, I apologize profusely and crawl to them on my hands and knees with a gold plate filled with fruits and spices from the far east, etc. Maybe they take advantage of me because I'm sensitive and have a high need for love, who knows.

If it means going my own way, fine ... it's not like they were ever really a part of my life anyway, except in my imagination. They're all fucked, and if they can't see it or don't have the guts to break out on their own, it makes me sad, but it's not my life. I've tried too hard to help them with love and shit, but the abusive family system is way bigger than I am.

damn that's long.

yeah, I need to not think about this shit for a while

your mom sounds like Patty Hewes from Damages, minus the killing.

my family is too nice to be a drama, too boring to be a sitcom. I come from a family of nameless extras. I think I'm finally okay with that, and the fact that I will not fall too far from that tree.

I'm sorry you're going through all that Elvis :(

Guh! Fuck that noise xpost

i want to finish the program before i say anything about it. i'm done in a week or so, i'll let you know.

ugh. i couldn't decide whether to revive this thread or the suicide thread. it's bad, lord.

on the other hand, i was just listening to the stooges on spotify and it got interrupted for a commercial for the kidz bop christmas album and i had an honest to god lol. so perhaps all is not lost.

i'm sorry it's so rough for u, strongo

i know that doesn't help but... :(

hang in there

trying, dudes. i regret even posting that. but nevertheless.

Another day, another ill-advised thing posted to the internet by someone, somewhere. Not to worry. You're in the right place, we got ya.

you know, a lot of days, i think there's only three things standing between me and suicidal ideation

1) my dog

2) my turtle

3) my cocktail of six brain meds

that's like eight things, it could be worse :)

sorry that sounded glib, I was just being silly

i know!

to both of those posts

:D

if you can't be silly in the depression and suicide threads, what is the point?

kinda get paranoid about my reputation as little miss KIP, I never know if levity is a good or bad idea itt - but i yam what i yam, lol

always a good idea IMO

i just assume most of the people venturing into these threads already understands the true horror of living. it's not like the death wish ever goes away

what else can you do in the face of unceasing tragedy and hopelessness

one can only wrestle it like a pig in the mud and take yr lolz where you find them.

by watching hee-haw reruns, is what you're saying?

no. wrestling pigs.

damn i wish i went to therapy sooner. feels like my whole world is being deconstructed now, which is a good thing considering i've been miserable the majority of my life, but it's also kinda scary and hard to deal with. things are looking up at least.

it's also kinda scary and hard to deal with

This sounds promising. I say this free of irony. If it were easy and pleasant, you would have overcome these obstacles long, long ago. But it sound like you're dealing with the Gordian Knot, instead of a kinked garden hose.

Never underestimate the power of having a partial breakdown... Just the realization that I should be having the time of my life right now without work responsibility, but have instead spent four months being a saddo shut-in.

i'm right there with you man

I have a saddo shut-in club, yr all welcome to join.