Depression and what it's really like

Oh yeah i've had plenty of times where i tried to turn something into a joke, and it was deemed incredibly insensitive, and sort of did irreparable damage for really no reason at all.

i wish i could take everyone's comedy-related guilt and self-loathing and inject it into tosh.o

ailsa, parallel life ... that's a perfect way of putting it. it's been hard for me to accept the way things were and the way things are now. guess it's necessary to move on, though. for me there's this fear that i'll be closing doors on most other people if i finally come to terms with the fact that i'm a little different. i know i can hide my thoughts, feelings, interests, etc., to get along, but it's like wearing a costume that takes over your soul and suffocates it... you lose touch with all the wonderful things that make life worth living. you become foreign to yourself, your perception of the world starts to match other peoples' and it's incompatible on a personal level. there are very few people out there i've met where i felt like i belonged, or could open up, express myself, or grow. the few times i've met 'em was like a dream come true. too bad there aren't more out there.

there's this screaming, childish "not fair!" going on, but that's not the way to deal with it. maybe the first step is shutting down that parallel life, the what ifs, the shouldas, and just accept things as they are.

Is it anything like this?

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mceua23qlI1rcaovvo1_1280.jpg

Not to be glib, but most days i realize there are probably some amazing times i have passed by because of depression or just maybe not even straight up depression but just being my fucked up self who would rather chill at home and watch movies and read books every weekend for years than pursue some relationship. There's a parallel life where I was outgoing and maybe met some women and had some great experiences and networked and found some jobs and actually built a decent career instead of just retreating into my shell. But it's just as likely there is a parallel life where I've left the house and was immediately hit by a bus and have to spend the rest of my life paralyzed from the neck down. It's pretty pointless to even look at the past unless you want to just imagine the good times or give yourself a bummer.

in alternate universes where you are all are free from self-loathing i think you all would end up as horrible dot com CEOs. the trick is being depressed just the right amount maybe?

but the horrible dot com CEOs don't think they are horrible - there is an appeal in that

Blindness to your own flaws and failings is not a recipe for success as a human being, even if you get to drive a Maserati and drink grand cru wines.

How many of you have autoimmune issues? There is some evidence that people with overly-reactive immune systems may be more at risk for major depression.

sorta, i get some weird skin stuff in the winter. probably doesn't help my diet is 90% cigarettes and caffeine, 10% take out food. i'm going to try out some paleo diet recipes this week, cut down on the nicotine and coffee, and see if that helps.

i'm currently eating a donut i found in a ziplock bag i forgot about for over a week. i don't think it'll be hard to improve my diet.

A considered eating a potato chip I found in my shoe.

of shoetato chip and donut which is more paleo?

shoe chip IF it came from a Vibram Five Fingers

forget paleo - try stuff rich in vitamin D: salmon, almonds, oranges, etc.

I don't get sick much, even through bouts of forgetting to eat anything. I think I would rather be a happy yet shallow wanker than a miserable lonely artistic ideal. There's a middle ground I know I'd rather be than either though. Comfortable with my lot would be a start.

holy crap man, all this stuff i've been worrying about in here is ... DEPRESSION! AUHHGRGH! this is like a friggin tar pit. seeing a therapist for the first time tomorrow. hopefully i can start putting this thing to rest.

A+, be brave.

good luck

+1. Tell us how it goes / went.

therapy went OK ... didn't think it was helpful at first, but therapist said some insightful things i wouldn't have guessed at ... so, i think i'll be going back next week.

if it was your first session you likely spent it doing intake, i.e. unilaterally disgorging lots of your personal & family history. Go back next week.

My first session was just an infodump, he only asked questions and I didn't get much out of it. The next week was a lot more helpful. The fact that you did get something out of the first session sounds promising - hope it works out for you, Spectrum.

is that a standard procedure? could the process be mechanized in any way do you guys think?

no, it couldn't.

maybe that was unnecessarily curt. the intake interview is essential for the therapist to get a sense of who you are, and so that they're able to start working out what topics you're going to want to focus on and therefore help you more effectively. mechanized it would be of little or no use.

also, i've dumped a therapist after an intake interview: that was enough to let me know that we weren't going to work out, and that timing was perfect because i hadn't had to invest very much in the therapeutic relationship yet.

i like this therapist because she seems to take a holistic approach to treatment: cognitive behavioral with understanding the roots of the problem and ending with setting and achieving goals... emotional, mental, and practical. that sold me on it because it makes sense to me, and if she thinks in that vein then it may be a good sign. i'll see. it's also the first time i'll be sharing this stuff with another human being, so that'll be real swell, too. i just want to get on with life, the world's too cool to spend everyday in a private nightmarescape.

the world's too cool to spend everyday in a private nightmarescape

I need this engraved on my bathroom mirror.

yay, Spectrum!

My awful mood of my last posts lifted a lot as soon as I started my period this week. The issues are still there, but don't seem as pressing. It also helps that I got out of the house and walked a good bit and saw some folks. My blood pressure was really high during one of my walks, though (made the mistake of checking it on one of those drug store machines), so now I am staving off the googlies with all my might and hoping not to lapse back into my health anxiety, which is its own peculiar flavor of hell.

the worst :(

wow, how the hell have i never posted on this thread before? denial is some shit

it's not good in the long run, no, but some days it has it's uses. sorry, rev.

i'm so depressed tonight i'm apparently fucking up its/it's.

that sounds glib, but sadly i'm serious.

just checking in to say that i feel... all right. which is fucking great in terms of depression. (i feel like "good" is too much to ask for. "all right" is the ultimate goal of what we take all that medication for.)

The almost 35-year-old Terry Schmidt had very nearly nothing left of the delusion that he differed from the great herd of common men, not even in his despair at not making a difference, or in the great hunger to have an impact that in his late twenties he'd clung to as evidence that even though he was emerging as a sort of a failure the grand ambitions which he'd judged himself a failure were somehow exceptional and superior to the common run's--not anymore.

ugh god i'm gonna totally stay up until 5 am re-reading this now, i can feel it.

Hey, guys. Just saying hi. Stick with it, emily. Also, strongo. Yay, jbr!

thanks, l. i am planning on "medicating" myself to sleep and then dealing with everything tomorrow.

That's okay, the sun will come up tomorrow no matter what you do, so that's one thing you can assure yourself you can't possibly have any effect on.

not...yet, anyway.

i am planning on "medicating" myself to sleep and then dealing with everything tomorrow

strongotm

god is a crul ringmaster

<3

Holy crap Strongo what is that Terry Schmidt thing from?

David Foster Wallace, Oblivion.

that is a sad quote, indeed

I think I get some form of depression which combines with feeling unproductive/extreme procrastination from time to time, but always feel it's too minor to bother anyone with when I'm feeling it combined with a feeling that I'm not up for doing anything anyway. When I'm feeling good I tend not to think about it and just enjoy being in the mood to be productive. Does anyone which experience think this is a fairly common scenario for people who suffer from depression?

yes.

i mean hopefully it's not too serious, and if yr productive periods outweigh yr unproductive periods that's a good sign. but yes, depression and not giving a shit enough to do anything go kinda hand in hand.

Yes. Depression makes it very difficult to feel motivated. When the depression lifts, even for a short while, it's a lot easier to be productive.