Depression and what it's really like

when we could be creating great cultural works evocative of our world-historical moment, yeah

but ilx is our collective great cultural work.

in some darker/sillier moments i kinda resent ilx for exposing me to so many people who much better at lots of things that i'd like to be good at than i am.

Oh god it's so true. You're all better at everything than I am except I have to believe that being in orbit myself is something that no one else quite replicates. It seems unlikely in the wide world of human experience, but it's a comfort.

if you guys want to feel smarter listen to this: i tried to refill a lighter last week with purell. it didn't work.

also i thought the cotton inside the lighter was packing material.

oh no

and with that one act, i raised everyone else's self-esteem to the level of hip-hop moguls.

merdey otm obv

Well, today I am depressed not by my inability to do stuff, but by the fact that I am a jerk and a bad friend. And by the fact that focusing on that is just another example of my disgusting narcissism. Wah!

whoa! hold on there a second, partner! narcissism is just plain a whole 'nother order of magnitude past any place you have ever spent more than one minute of your adult life, emilys. if you don't believe me, you can look it up.

as for being a jerk and bad friend, we all spend more than a few minutes there from time to time. just remember that apologies can work a lot of healing, no matter when they happen relative to the offense.

I don't know, I have like 7 of the DSM symptoms. (Obvi self-diagnosis is a bad idea.)

yeah, self diagnosis is pretty dangerous. when i first started tackling this stuff i thought i had aspergers or something. nope! turns out my parents were batshit crazy and totally blew my brain apart. this shit's so messy and complex, it's like each time a new door opens it's like a new world out there, then you find out that might be wrong, too. it's a real trip, maaaan.

even as a firm if unwise supporter of self diagnosis, I feel that narcissism is the kind of thing where if you think you're it, you're not it.

Yeah, reading some case studies... that's not me. Still uncomfortable to acknowledge some of these traits, those.

*though

Obviously anyone who would worry about being a capital-N Narcissist isn't one, but I think it can be worthwhile to acknowledge how depression can and often does lead you to some pretty shitty self-absorption. Worth talking about and guarding against I mean, not dwelling on.

(He says, dripping with hypocrisy).

depression has been described as an inward turn gone haywire, I think. Which is different from how I've heard narcissistic personality disorder described.

yeah, i thought narcissists were happy? or is it narcissist-hyphen-something that are like that?

i thought i had narcissism, too, emilys on my journey to figuring out what the fuck was up with me. a little narcissism isn't that crazy when it feels like life is a uniquely horrible nightmare because you're some permanently screwed up person. like you have DAMNED carved on your forehead for the world to see. makes ya feel special and perfectly unique, which is a really great feeling.

my parents are pretty narcissistic, and sorta fit the profile. the way they act and behave is absolutely beyond me. it's not just being self-centered. it's like ... you hurt others for your own benefit then laugh about it because the other person deserved it, or sucks, or is a weakling, or that you're only getting what you're owed in life and any damage done is to someone who is a "scumbag" because of some utterly capricious criteria. it's pretty twisted. my parents are perfectly content the way they are, even after years upon years of damage done to themselves and other people. me, I feel sick as hell for the times I've treated other people badly and I'm working my ass off to get better. they don't think anything is wrong with them at all - it's everyone else who has the problem.

Nah, narcissism is a whole other thing. What I'm talking about (and what I feel like em is talking about as well, let me know if I'm wrong) has to do with how amplified your own pain and despair can be, so much so that you become blind to the needs of others because all you can see is that pain.

xp

There is that, a lot of times even when I'm not depressed I have difficulty appreciating that my actions can really affect others. It's always surprising to me that I can hurt anyone's feelings, like why would anyone care what I say or think or do.

It's always surprising to me that I can hurt anyone's feelings, like why would anyone care what I say or think or do.

this is me to an extent, also the would-be comedian in me is always looking for the joke, so sometimes wanting to be funny outweights any potential "right" way to conduct myself.

Yes! Exactly, you're like a non-entity so no matter what happens it doesn't touch other people ... like you're a ghost or something. But it's not true, at all. People do care, you do affect things. It's a serious responsibility to be a person out in the world, took me a long time to learn that.

same sentiments to get bent, too. there's something about pain that leads to comedy.

I have nothing to add here other than you are all good and wise and insightful and reading this thread is helpful to me in a lot of ways, not least verbalisation and recognition of parts of the giant swirling mass of crap that passes for thoughts - the 'yes! I do/feel like that too!' factor is incredibly liberating, even though it's shit that any of us, let alone more than one of us, feels this way.

I was put through all that 'gifted children' crap, put up a year at school. Even the teachers thought it was freaky, I was put on detention for correcting one of my teachers (lesson learned: being smart is not rewarding). I gave the fuck up when I realised everyone hated me, so I dumbed myself down but still no-one liked me and I wasn't getting the grades then either. And I have a longstanding hatred of myself and my environment for wasting my entire childhood on loneliness and wrong priorities and not allowing me a way to be happy.

Anyway, I'm doing something about it because the regret and the emptiness and the desire for the parallel life where schools and parents had known how to help rather than suffocate are finally taking their toll on my ability to run my day-to-day life as I get older and run out of time to get on with things. This thread helps. Thank you.

the would-be comedian in me is always looking for the joke, so sometimes wanting to be funny outweighs any potential "right" way to conduct myself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

and then when i do inadvertently hurt someone's feelings because of looking for the joke, it feeds back into the "yes, i truly am a horrible person" spiral of depression

Oh yeah i've had plenty of times where i tried to turn something into a joke, and it was deemed incredibly insensitive, and sort of did irreparable damage for really no reason at all.

i wish i could take everyone's comedy-related guilt and self-loathing and inject it into tosh.o

ailsa, parallel life ... that's a perfect way of putting it. it's been hard for me to accept the way things were and the way things are now. guess it's necessary to move on, though. for me there's this fear that i'll be closing doors on most other people if i finally come to terms with the fact that i'm a little different. i know i can hide my thoughts, feelings, interests, etc., to get along, but it's like wearing a costume that takes over your soul and suffocates it... you lose touch with all the wonderful things that make life worth living. you become foreign to yourself, your perception of the world starts to match other peoples' and it's incompatible on a personal level. there are very few people out there i've met where i felt like i belonged, or could open up, express myself, or grow. the few times i've met 'em was like a dream come true. too bad there aren't more out there.

there's this screaming, childish "not fair!" going on, but that's not the way to deal with it. maybe the first step is shutting down that parallel life, the what ifs, the shouldas, and just accept things as they are.

Is it anything like this?

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mceua23qlI1rcaovvo1_1280.jpg

Not to be glib, but most days i realize there are probably some amazing times i have passed by because of depression or just maybe not even straight up depression but just being my fucked up self who would rather chill at home and watch movies and read books every weekend for years than pursue some relationship. There's a parallel life where I was outgoing and maybe met some women and had some great experiences and networked and found some jobs and actually built a decent career instead of just retreating into my shell. But it's just as likely there is a parallel life where I've left the house and was immediately hit by a bus and have to spend the rest of my life paralyzed from the neck down. It's pretty pointless to even look at the past unless you want to just imagine the good times or give yourself a bummer.

in alternate universes where you are all are free from self-loathing i think you all would end up as horrible dot com CEOs. the trick is being depressed just the right amount maybe?

but the horrible dot com CEOs don't think they are horrible - there is an appeal in that

Blindness to your own flaws and failings is not a recipe for success as a human being, even if you get to drive a Maserati and drink grand cru wines.

How many of you have autoimmune issues? There is some evidence that people with overly-reactive immune systems may be more at risk for major depression.

sorta, i get some weird skin stuff in the winter. probably doesn't help my diet is 90% cigarettes and caffeine, 10% take out food. i'm going to try out some paleo diet recipes this week, cut down on the nicotine and coffee, and see if that helps.

i'm currently eating a donut i found in a ziplock bag i forgot about for over a week. i don't think it'll be hard to improve my diet.

A considered eating a potato chip I found in my shoe.

of shoetato chip and donut which is more paleo?

shoe chip IF it came from a Vibram Five Fingers

forget paleo - try stuff rich in vitamin D: salmon, almonds, oranges, etc.

I don't get sick much, even through bouts of forgetting to eat anything. I think I would rather be a happy yet shallow wanker than a miserable lonely artistic ideal. There's a middle ground I know I'd rather be than either though. Comfortable with my lot would be a start.

holy crap man, all this stuff i've been worrying about in here is ... DEPRESSION! AUHHGRGH! this is like a friggin tar pit. seeing a therapist for the first time tomorrow. hopefully i can start putting this thing to rest.

A+, be brave.

good luck

+1. Tell us how it goes / went.

therapy went OK ... didn't think it was helpful at first, but therapist said some insightful things i wouldn't have guessed at ... so, i think i'll be going back next week.

if it was your first session you likely spent it doing intake, i.e. unilaterally disgorging lots of your personal & family history. Go back next week.

My first session was just an infodump, he only asked questions and I didn't get much out of it. The next week was a lot more helpful. The fact that you did get something out of the first session sounds promising - hope it works out for you, Spectrum.

is that a standard procedure? could the process be mechanized in any way do you guys think?