it's like a home for anorgasmic people! a thread for anorgasmia and difficulty in getting off

I'm in the same boat. I've gotten off during sex, but that's the exception and not the rule. I tend to just masturbate before I fall asleep. It's never seemed to bother anyone, but I have had people who decided they get to play there, too, and often would get shot away.. ;) Tbh, I do that almost every night.. that's *how* I turn my brain off, so to speak!

Husband could never, ever get off in a woman's mouth because he thought it was so rude. I've put in a lot of work to erase an appropriate amount of feminism from my bedroom.

(LIKE WHEN TWO FIREFLIES FLUORESCE)

― difficult listening hour

hi this is when I fell in love with you, where were you 8 years ago?

I had this problem and faked Os until I was 20. Finally a non-chump gf said "oh, let's fix this" and we did.

A large inhibitor, for me, was the feeling that I was boring my partner, or that s/he was losing interest. But if your partner knows what to expect, and you're allowed to relax, concentrate, and focus on your own pleasure, it'll make it a lot easier for you.

Once I got more comfortable sharing the situation with my partners, it actually became a fun thing, like, a challenge!

(Those days are long gone)

xxp Uh that's not "erasing" "feminism," though? Because it wasn't an "unfeminist" act in the first place, if such a thing were even possible? Oh forget it. I did appreciate the rest of your post, though, that's a new take on things that I will consider adding to my mental binder labeled "Range of normal."

hah, I was about to make the same comment, io, but couldn't quite articulate it without it sounding like "man says fellatio is totes cool for feminism"

Sorry - what I mean is that his interpretation of the act is that it is degrading to women, and I had to ease his concerns that I do ot out of any sort of obligations. Erasing feminism was lazy, typing at work shorthand. Xp

http://alignlife.com/userfiles/thumbs%20up.jpg

oral sex as a degrading or subservient act is kind of a cultural baggage thing, totally get it, though

Thank you. He's the most woman-positive person I've ever known, but at the end of the day was still brought up in a very WASPy home.

I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm with a partner and it sometimes takes hours to get myself off, but I still feel like I don't really belong here. Strange. I suppose that I really do, though.

I suffer from MS and walk around half-numb all the time. It sucks. It took me quite a while to figure out how to make sex work again, much to the chagrin of two different partners, I guess. I have to take ED meds, which are expensive as hell (but I've found ways to get help with that).

My GF now is unbelievably supportive and understanding, though, so I count myself very lucky. If only she didn't live 1000 miles away :-/

He's the most woman-positive person I've ever known, but at the end of the day was still brought up in a very WASPy home.

my eternal dilemma. guh.

Must be why I love you/married into your bizarro family :)

SSRIs have made this a difficult thing in the best of circumstances,

― ɥɯ ︵ (°□°) (mh), Monday, October 22, 2012 11:26 PM

Have you tried using bupropion rather than SSRIs? It is one of the few antidepressants that doesn't cause sexual dysfunction, and a friend of mine who had gone through just about everything else told me that was the only one that worked and didn't destroy his sex life. (Unfortunately, it is not widely available in the UK though - can't remember where you live).

That's actually one thing I really like about going solo, no need to get up, pee, clean anything. I can just afterglow and then unconsciousness.

― purveyor of generations (in orbit), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:27 AM

I don't do any of that even with a partner....

Sex is a huge production, takes time away from ilx and reading & drinking wine

― purveyor of generations (in orbit), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:32 AM

Glad to see i'm not the only one here with my priorities straight!

So what if it's not a simultaneous fountain of wow during that one act. Seeing the other person get there, even separately, is still an intimate sexual experience and there's no shame in how you get there

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:51 AM

Right on, as others have said. I'm usually (well alright, always) the low-libido partner in previous relationships, and one woman I was with would often be in the mood when I wasn't. So she would sometimes lie in bed beside me and while I was trying to fall asleep, she would go at it by herself, complete unperturbed by my presense. I loved that. I don't think I could do that myself though if the roles were reversed.

I have to take ED meds, which are expensive as hell (but I've found ways to get help with that).

My GF now is unbelievably supportive and understanding, though, so I count myself very lucky. If only she didn't live 1000 miles away :-/

― Trip Maker, Tuesday, October 23, 2012 2:05 PM

In the US at least, you can get one 30-pill "trial" presciption of Cialis 5mg per year. The 5mg (and 2.5mg) doses are marketed for daily use for ppl who have sex frequently, whereas the 10mg and 20mg doses are for occasional use "when needed", but the high doses last for up to 36 hours (unlike Viagra, which lasts only 3-4 hours). But although the manufacturer doesn't mention this in their marketing, the prescribing info given to doctors also shows even the 5mg dose is adequate for as-needed use for many people. That's what I found myself - the 5mg dose does the trick when used as needed - I might not get 36 hours out of it, but taken in the evening it certainly works for that night and next morning, which is all I need. 10mg works even better. Since my main partner also lives far away (450 miles, though it's been a long time even with her), that affords me 15 to 30 free doses per year, and I don't think I've ever had sex more than 15 times per year. So essentially, my ED meds are free.

Also, at least in the USA both Viagra and Cialis have been approved for uses other than ED and if prescribed as such (both are given different brand names for the same active ingredient), your insurance may pick up on it.

I ended up getting my prescription filled by a Canadian pharmacy. I also have an aunt that works in a doctor's office who gives me free samples. Thanks for the tips, though.

I got several free samples from the doc too, although I don't know if he'd be keen on giving me more every time I see him. He first gave me the 20mg pills - yowsee, i kept getting frequent erections for the next 8 hours long after I was done having sex. I cut the remaining pills in half before using them.

BTW, here's the link for the free samples. This is for US only - I looked online but couldn't find an equivalent UK site and don't know much about how prescription meds are acquired there or the drug's legal status. I know it's been approved in Canada and some other European countries.

http://www.cialis.com/Pages/promise-free-trial.aspx

Yeah, I cut all the pills up.
I've used Cialis, Viagra, and Levitra.
The Canadian pharmacy supplies me with Generic Viagra. I think my first order was shipped from Madagascar(?!).

i'm imagining Lee626's entire ILX career as an incredibly long-term spam campaign where he establishes a convincing legacy of trust and rapport that has led to this one moment where a handful of people click on a Cialis link

lol

darn, i've been caught....

(never mind that i've only pushed the free Cialis giveaways, and offered tips to avoid ever paying for it, so the manufacturer will lose money because of me

haha

Mr Veg tried viagra once years ago, and I found the whole thing kind of traumatic...I always kind of liked our short bursts, and then suddenly it was like this looooooooooong drawn out thing and him being all kind of wide eyed and intense and I was just like uuugggh this is really not helping either of us at all. It was v weird.

I never had any interest in Viagra because of the short active time - a 3-hour effectiveness period would be fine if it took effect immediately, but it takes maybe 45 minutes to kick in. By that time, I (or partner) probably won't be in the mood anymore, and just the feeling of being "on the clock" would probably contribute to ED problems. I much prefer the day-long (free!) Cialis for that reason - pop one pill early in the day and you're set for all night and at least the next morning - far more relaxed.

and you get his n hers bathtubs

picturing mr veg with the giant eyes of the villain from roger rabbit

pretty much O_O

Honestly, Mr. Veg makes me picture this:

http://www.scottbot.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/300px-Cucumber.jpg

lol

I had this problem a lot when I was younger, and I've found it's a big connection between whether I am mentally 'turned on' or not. My body is really responsive sometimes when my mind isn't. If it's just my body that's turned on I have a hard time getting off with a partner. If it's both (mind + body) it's super, super easy. This kinda sounds cheesy. Sorry.

I just long ago accepted the idea that het intercourse doesn't usually result in orgasms on its own, and thats pretty normal. But I've been lucky - Ive had partners who are AWESOME at oral or fingerfucking, inc current who is happy to get me off that way then we have fun for him. I like it that way.

I have 3 female friends who get off from intercourse. 2 of them can only get off that way (or by masturbating), and 1 of those two can only get off through bareback intercourse.

Not making any point, just sharing.

http://www.xojane.com/sex/everyone-got-so-mad-at-me-for-suggesting-penis-in-vagina-sex-doesnt-feel-that-great

Thanks, internet!!

524 Comments

ahhh yeah

I have a very love/hate relationship with the lady that wrote that. Mostly I think I hate her but I'm not really sure why. She just annoys me for some reason.

But the backlash from that tweet with ridiculous and fascinating.

keep mentally backing away from this thread's creation, open it, and then feel compelled to comment out of frustration

geez people, can't we just acknowledge there's a wide range of "normal?"

ask a loaded & short-sighted rhetorical question -> get loaded & short-sighted answers

but yeah, saying "we" in her tweet is kind of asking for it from a varied community. then again, it has to be phrased that way to take it away from the personal

crut otm

a lot of the responses to that tweet are nuts but she's the one who worded it the way she did, it's one thing to not experience pleasure there it's another to act like every single vagina-haver is faking it

xp yeah

i meant to recommend mary roach's BONK to anyone interested in sex research and/or historical sex and/or the ~mystery~surrounding climax. the audio book gets mighty tedious because the woman reading it sounds like terry gross, but the content was interesting enough to entertain me for nearly 14 hours of dull midwestern driving. there are moments when it veers into goofy/news of the weird shit, but the stuff about masters and johnson was good, among a bunch of other things.

i meant to recommend it earlier but did not want to search for this thread
yet here it is, so

maybe she should have used "many among us" instead of we but ehhhh who cares

i can't stand people who assume everyone is just like them; one of the most irritating traits imo

:)

"backlash" and "party leather" are a good post/dn combo.

anyway about that book -- her research is not partic deep or academic, but i think a lot of people who have trouble achieving in the "traditional" (scare quotes intentional) ways will find it gratifying (if not somewhat satisfying, hehehe)

btw the whole book is not focused on anorgasmia -- it's just part
it's mostly a lite historical look at scientific sex research

that's the same lady who did the "i look like lena dunham and bang hot guys" essay, right?

Yes. That's her.

I don't understand why people read her tweet as a universal statement? "Can't we all agree" is generally the lead-in for something outlandish and/or sarcastic, IME.