Depression and what it's really like

xp Really? OK. You did get I wasn't justifying the shit he takes or advising him to leave ILX right? Just to try a fresh start under a new name, I mean what % of ILX regulars have done that at some point? Over 50?

jon calling out kev on its own thread is just asking for more misery.
you know that. I know you know that.

but if you ever need to come back in here and talk, there's people here who will let you talk and will listen.

xp

Guy has insecurities, feels like an outsider, so you suggest the best solution is to pretend to be somebody else altogether, like no connections he has now are worth anything and nothing he does will ever redeem his current incarnation, i.e. self? Dick move imo.

just kinda of amazing that i've been posting here for, i believe, 8 years and i still feel like such an outsider.

Dude, this totally describes me (at least since the handful of ILXors I knew IRL split forever ago). Being an outsider here is pretty far from the end of the world, and there's a kind of liberation to feeling slightly invisible if you just let yourself feel it rather than struggling to be in the in-crowd.

xp We're all "pretending to be somebody else altogether" because we're writing words on the internet. This isn't my "self." And it doesn't sound like he has "connections" he values here. That's fine, neither do I, it's just talking on the internet.

So if he likes ILX for music, etc. discussion, but ppl's desire to clown him gets in the way of that, go incognito, I hardly think it's an offensive proposition, but do you have a more practical piece of advice?

And it doesn't sound like he has "connections" he values here. That's fine, neither do I,

;_;

would connect with darragh

it has to be this way deems, I know you'd break my heart if I let you inside

tbh he wasn't looking for practical advice he was looking for an excuse to further wallow and/or to boss everyone about re: one extremely silly recurring joke. i like him, hope he returns post-haste in better form but he wasn't interested in engaging with anything anyone had to say to him today, from softy-lovely-listeny VG (<3) to blunt-arsehole-me

xp :D

Sorry boxall, I snapped a bit there. However, I don't adopt a pose online, and I suspect that Jon does / did not either. He may not have had great connections here, but he said himself that he didn't have anywhere else to go. I got the impression he was *looking* for connections, and in that case, telling him to adopt a new identity kinda underlined everything he was unhappy about.

sadly dmac otm...in another universe we might make a good tag team, lol :)

No offense taken! but I think keeping internet personae separate and distinct from our 'selves' is healthy and if the former j/v/c gives it a shot on ILX under a new name with no baggage he might be pleasantly surprised.

for the record you've been pretty dickish to me so I guess it kinda comes around man

the only time I've gotten real p.o.'d at ilx is when someone thought i was deat5hdrone. also i think someone insulted my peronal appearance once which was a little uncalled for. what kev did was pretty tame IMO

not to go all WCC itt but can the meta/talking about people who aren't here anymore go elsewhere?

ppl were here twenty mins ago but fair enough

not to derail things or anything, but have a depresso question. how on earth do you find real emotional support for this stuff? never had no one, man, got no mom or dad, etc. first person in my life who ever showed me support was a girl from europe i met in nyc who alas disappeared on some global adventure. so the whole idea of having someone in your life who genuinely gives a damn is a total mystery to me. whenever i make some progress with this stuff, it's basically a day before i get burned out and totally bummed. doing everything 100% alone (like, real alone, not depressed alone) is pretty tough going.

it can take a long time to find a person or people to rely on.

that isn't, you know, someone you're paying for the service

xp jon - i ilxmailed you, hopefully it doesn't go to an ancient account you no longer have

yeah, i understand that. it's just tough going at first ... have to break through the depression with no emotional support at all to get to a point to develop it. i've made it this far and accomplished a good deal while pretty much being alone in the world, so i can probably do this, too. wouldn't recommend it, though.

i'm in an outpatient program for my bipolar disorder right now, meets every day from 8:45 to 11:45 am. it's v expensive, like $100 / day, though otoh that's actually a pretty good deal compared to my therapist and psych who charge $100 for 45 minutes. will let everyone know how it goes. after 24 days of intensive work i am supposed to feel better. i just did day three. will let everyone know how it goes.

gl. gl all.

good luck, tlg, that sounds really intense. I hope you get something out of it.

me too

good luck TLG. let us know how it goes.

good luck dude, hope it helps

good luck tlg

word

So i've been kinda down lately. Fortunately i had to go to the grocery store today, and since I don't have a car, it's an hour and a half walk both ways. Got home feeling like a million bucks!!

Exercise really is a great, natural cure. Ever since i lost my car I've been walking everywhere and as a result, even when i do get depressed, it doesn't hit me as hard.

Plus walking is sort of like meditating, you can go at whatever pace you want, just let your mind wander the entire time, and not have to talk to anyone.

Getting groceries usually makes me feel a little better, too.

finding a therapist is harder than I realized. tried 7 so far over the course of a few weeks, and they're all booked solid. will have to try 7 more. it's very frustrating feeling like you have noone to turn to, especially when overwhelming emotions take hold. when that happens you aren't on your A game, and other people easily forget about you. it's a vicious cycle. i'm jealous as hell of people who have parents, family, close friends they can call on, but that's not helpful. i feel like i'm driving on 70mph on a road with a BRIDGE OUT sign at the end of it.

keep trying

it's an annoying obstacle, but keep going

yeah, i'll keep trying. starting to feel like there's no point anymore. why go through all this ... just to enjoy a couple more transitory pleasures that are probably only an illusion anyway? might as well just live out the life i was given since i'm just going to be dead soon anyway. it's probably only my biology that's pushing me through this ... slave to my parents, slave to my body, slave to the world, and it's all pain by a different name.

if other people seem more content, better adjusted, that was the life they were born into. they didn't have to do any of this. so i do it for what, to have somebody elses' life that I know nothing about? it's all starting to seem like a farce.

there's mile-wide gaps in them there logic

when you're hungry, you get up and get a bowl of cereal, right? and when you're cold, you grab a sweater or a blanket, right? well, when you're sad, grab some mental health treatment, don't just sit there shivering or starving because you weren't born with a fur coat or a giant bag of potato chips attached to your waist.

if other people seem more content and better adjusted -> well, they're either pretending, they got lucky, or they put in work.

you don't know that they didn't have to do any of this, and you don't know that they don't need to.

you do it to improve your own life, to have a future life that, yes, you know nothing about, one that will be much less sad and depressing than the one you have right now.

why go through all this to enjoy a few more transitory pleasures? but that's what you've been doing ... forever? already? so why not just try to get more pleasure, or as much pleasure as possible, out of those transitory ones?

also there is no life you were "given", you were given a body but your life made itself as a combination of what other people did, what the environment did, and what you did. and if you're not happy with that life, then there is no sense justifying it as having been "given" to you since it never was given to you, it developed a certain way, and you can swerve the path of that development by changing what you do, by changing what other people do to you, and by changing your environment.

it's hard, but it's worth it.

http://h30499.www3.hp.com/t5/image/serverpage/image-id/2317i28BC9CE8FEAA50AB/image-size/original?v=mpbl-1&px=-1

thanks dude, that's some good perspective. sometimes my emotions get the best of me. a therapist called me tonight, actually. she seemed a little "uh huh", and said she could tell i was "insightful and have above average intelligence". makes me feel a little like she was flattering me to make a sale, seemed odd to say that in a conversation. last thing i need is a shyster therapist.

Well, you don't have to stick with one who you don't mesh with, but you should at least give her a shot. It usually takes a session or two to get comfortable with one.

xp

nah i don't think so, if you talk about your problems on a message board you're clearly 1) literate and 2) probably got opinions so there you go. other people she tells things like "well you clearly care about ..." and "well you definitely can achieve ..." and you don't hear that because you worry too much about shit from an intellectual angle.

Aw fuck, this again. Realized I've definitely begun the slide in the past week.

ive been reading in this book by noted fabulist jonah lehrer that depression (specifically bipolar) makes you a better author.
do you guys feel theres truth to this or is it more fabulism?

A better author than who?

better than some imaginary non bipolar version of the same author, or failing that, noted fabulist jonah lehrer.