Depression and what it's really like

you can be diagnosed w/ acute depression as result of a death in family, pregnancy, getting fired, coming back from afghanistan or any other big life change. and it can be the result of a medical condition, etc.

― the late great, Wednesday, September 26, 2012 3:18 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

[...]it's like having a low immune system for existential problems

― the late great, Wednesday, September 26, 2012 3:19 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Two great points which adequately explain the tailspin I'm still in the process of pulling myself out of ("low immune system for existential problems" + perfect storm of just a ridiculous number of hardships within a very short period of time = me bottoming out).

to drill down and repeat myself, how would one go about finding numbers for this? ie the number of pills gone out through the private healthcare system vs those in public & charity systems (if distinction can even be made)

by getting a public health PhD

xp

if you're in a tailspin, you're not bottomed out, if you're bottomed out, you're not in a tailspin

that's the negative version of

in the end, it'll be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end

i find it useful to keep these things in mind during shitstorms

I went to a city psych clinic for a while. The care itself was on a sliding scale (I think I paid $15/visit because I was poor), the meds were cheap ($5 for a month of ritalin). However, the clinic was a model of inefficiency and doctors were constantly leaving for bigger and better things. I'm lucky that I wasn't in desperate need the way some people were because I'm certain they didn't get the care they required with the consistency they required.

if you're in a tailspin, you're not bottomed out, if you're bottomed out, you're not in a tailspin

I was in a tailspin, and I absolutely bottomed out at the end of that tailspin. So I guess a more apt metaphor for my current sitch is that I'm cautiously flying at low altitudes in a shaky plane that I patched together with palm fronds and chewing gum in the hopes it will eventually get me off of this blasted island?

http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/12/127106/2456349-tintin_stock_de_coque__19__1958____p_gina_1_super.jpg

Ha.

Also, I think bottoming out is underrated. I'm certainly not out of my own personal woods, but I can always look back at the point of hitting bottom and realize how amazingly well-off I am now in comparison. And it really does give me hope that things can (and will...?) keep getting better.

yeah it's nice, you can see the upward arc of things

try telling the wizard story to this family http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/boy-interrupted/index.html

most psych meds in the US are provided to the poor for nothing.

what they neglect to point out is while that may or may not be true pharmaceutical companies are still being paid up the yin-yang for every last med they pump into the underprivileged classes, who only need the meds in the first place because poverty is one of the largest factors contributing to mental illness and/or depression and/or ill health in general.

not only are pharmaceutical companies still being paid, but it is the middle class paying for them.

and, frankly, anyone who's ever been on welfare can tell you being on welfare is a full-time job. if you don't understand what that means you've obviously never been on welfare.

<i>it's like having a low immune system for existential problems</i>

i like this.

oops. or i would if i had coded it right.

try telling the wizard story to this family

That's awful and sad, but I don't really get your point.

it's like having a low immune system for existential problems

i am so into this.

Sometimes I feel like Julianne Moore in Safe wrt existential problems.

i think wolves is saying that for some people, they never pull back any curtain, the curtain is never there in the first place if the genetic predisposition is strong enough.

xp I really should go back and check out that movie one day

yes, thanks late great.

nhex the movie is the reason why I posted here in the first place. it's heartbreaking and made me very angry.

It would be nice to read a comparative study of depressed people a hundred years ago, in the middle ages, something like that. I think it's a grayscale between those with mental illness and those affected by the society we live in but I'm sure most people suffer legitimely (not a medical condition) because of the atomized / consumer culture with zero political agency lifestyle we have today. just try going to a protest against the fucking government or whatever modern equivalent of the carnival where Capitalist Rule is suspended for even a couple hours and watch how your depression instantly disappears for a while. it's magical.

*legitimately. really should stop posting here argh.

maybe find a different thread

those affected by the society we live in but I'm sure most people suffer legitimately (not a medical condition) because of the atomized / consumer culture with zero political agency lifestyle we have today. just try going to a protest against the fucking government or whatever modern equivalent of the carnival where Capitalist Rule is suspended for even a couple hours and watch how your depression instantly disappears for a while

thanks kim jong-il

the anatomy of melancholy by robert burton catalogued like four hundred types of depression, it was hardly unknown in the middle ages and recognized as a disease by the renaissance

also it's not magic, there's plenty of evidence going out and doing fun stuff will temporarily relieve even the worst-case depression you want to point at

Death by murder, suicide, suicide by murder, killing, being killed, succumbing to disease and starvation, slavery, religion, abuse and abusive behavior, failure to thrive, not living up to expectations, failure, amputation, imprisonment, homelessness, inscription, melancholy, resentment, addiction, refusal.

All of these things have always been available with varying degrees of consequence or inevitability.

ZT, what does 'inscription' mean, there?

wolves, i think yr personal feelings about protests are doing all of the work for you there! I think protests are important and by-and-large enjoy them but when I'm depressed they don't alleviate anything -- i just get frustrated and angry about the SWP (for example) as well as myself, and worse i'm stuck in a crowd and isolated from it. (also there is no true suspension of capitalist rule and it is precisely the carnival's reversal that is a reaffirmation etc etc etc)

Returning to the topic of wasted years/youth, I remember hearing the term "disability-adjusted life years" and thinking fuuuuck I have those. Absolutely useless to think about , though.

i'm trying to let go of the wasted years thing, no point in wasting time over wasted time.

work life's becoming a drag. think environment may contribute to depression... i work in a suburban/corporate job with regular F.O.L.K., "did u see the big game??!?" types, and makes me feel like that alienated outsider dude again. didn't experience this in the city with artists, scientists, architects, oddballs, and all that good stuff around, things felt natural... here it's like i'm in an outgroup or something. depression sez: you can't be around good people cuz you aren't as good as them! so you put yourself in a bummer of a situation that perpetuates things. it's sick how deep this goes.

also appreciate the great posters on here, definitely a help in realizing all this stuff.

think environment may contribute to depression... i work in a suburban/corporate job with regular F.O.L.K., "did u see the big game??!?" types

why don't you move back to the city?

thinking about it, i got out of the 'burbs as soon as i had enough money. thought things would be different this time, but it's laughably not. the ideal of beautiful common humanity! doesn't seem to work as well on the ground as i thought.

i work in a suburban/corporate job with regular F.O.L.K., "did u see the big game??!?" types,

GRRR. That moronic droning on about the "big game" is SO annoying. Especially when it's basketball season and everyone wants you to put fifty or a hundred of your hard earned dollars in the office pool. I just want to scream, "don't you know everyone around here does not like sports!!"

GRIDIRON ACTION. U DONT LIKE SPORTS?? R U SOM KINDF PUSSY OR SOMETHIN ?>!? seriously, though, it's the only thing the other guys at work talk about, so if you don't speak sports, it definitely feels like a barrier to getting along. i mean, i enjoy watching sports, but i'm way more into other shit, so i don't follow it. this was not a common occurrence in professional and city jobs where people were interested in ... well, had interests outside of sports, beer, and fuckin' sluts (or, replace fuckin' sluts with wife and kids).

yeah, this is depression. alright, seeing a therapist.

whatever you do, do not try to think of the word DEPRESSION! in the tune of that song from Fiddler on the Roof

yeah, this is depression. alright, seeing a therapist.

I think this should probably be the first step for anyone posting in this thread. Like, ideally, this should be for spillover between therapy sessions? Says the dude who hasn't seen a therapist in over a year. The point is: you can't fix this yourself and if you're driven to post your feelings in a thread about depression, you probably need professional help to get to where you need to be. IMO.

whatever you do, do not try to think of the word DEPRESSION! in the tune of that song from Fiddler on the Roof

― Nhex, Friday, September 28, 2012 3:15 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dying

I just did a search on this thread for postpartum depression and none to be found. It's been tough.

http://www.funny-potato.com/images/dead-end.jpg

http://blogs.reuters.com/macroscope//files/2010/08/cr_mega_38_wallpapers_wile-e-coyote_04_800.jpg

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j251/mzing12/416d0f183b30c-23-1.jpg

well i don't feel like that thank god

im reading 'drama of the gifted child' by alice miller. the style is kind of bland but i think shes onto something. does this stuff have any currency? its about being exploited as a child and subsequent effects. i was never physically abused but my mom was, that tramsferred over into emotional abuse when i was young, more brutal than i like to admit. feel like untangling all of that could take a while but i already feel better witnessing bits of it.

I liked Alice Miller a lot at one point – some of it is probably dated. My fave of hers was The Unturned Key. She is the one who hipped me to Christiane F!!

its weird though, how quick it becomes blurry and you start to wonder if you're making it up or laying blame unfairly on someone. im more and more sure that's bullshit though. to add to the headgames i have to help my parents out with their real estate business tuesday thursday and saturday in order to make min payments on all the stupid manically acquired debt i have. wah wah i know but i dread every day. dont feel so trapped now that i have this other job which is hopefully moving to full time soon, im sure they can smell the desperation on me. just wanted to type all that out for whatever reason.

oh tell me more about christane f!

Well if you haven't read Christiane F, it's worth reading as the proto-document of the SHOCKING TEEN SHOCKER drug addict autobio voyeur genre. In For Your Own Good, Alice Miller uses it as some primary document explaining why traditional German parenting is all fucked up. I really enjoyed that partic Miller book because it was so German – lots of soapboxing about the problems stemming from generations of forcing little German kinder to be toilet trained at the age of six months.

I did go through a big phase of reading her books maybe five years ago and it was a big part of how I got reconciled w/my parents after years of acrimony from me quitting their church. But certainly not the only factor. Those books are as old as you and I though, Matt, and I have to wonder if there isn't some secretly super outdated malignancy just chilling in there. Like Bettleheim & his refrigerator mothers. I guess sometime I need to start interacting with words, sounds, etc, made in the past 30 years.

your parents sound oddly like mine, Matt P, at least that one thing you wrote. Mine have "borrowed" over 10k from my brothers and I because they're incredibly irresponsible, and use all sorts of emotional blackmail to get their way... their favorite is guilt (we brought you into this world!) completely deny the existence of any of our emotions ("you're being too sensitive!" "you're making it up!"), and use the knowledge that we love them to extract as much as they can regardless of how it affects us.

Read a little bit of Drama of the Gifted Child and seemed good. Check out anything about narcissistic parents, could be a long shot, but I found a lot of answers through that. Headgames are the worst, though, especially when you're a kid ... totally fucks up your sense of reality and personhood... it's like brainwashing. For me it's that stuff that starts the depression cycle.

whooooops, read that post wrong.

that TLG / Spectrum exchange made me giggle because I have been using this image as wallpaper for weeks

http://annavinegrad.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/eibf-krapp-pic-3_lo.jpg

lol what the hell

i dont think i'm actually depressed, clinically or anything, just this week has put such a goddamned fucking strain on me and i'm just, ugh, not handling it well at all. realizing i have like zero friends is really fucking gnawing at me today because i really want someone to talk about all this with. short version - work dumped a bunch of shit on me, working super long hours, have to work all weekend - a portion of it three hours away from home, been traveling out of state a bunch for work too. so i'm going on day four of leaving for work before my son gets up and getting home after he's been in bed, which is normally a huge stress reliever for me - to play with him for a bit. work has made it very clear that this is just how it has to be right now, fine, but my wife thinks they are being unreasonable and sorta basically is implying without actually saying it thats it my fault for not standing up for my personal life. anyway, we just had our second huge fight this week over the work stuff and now i'm just sitting dwelling in a dark room over my laptop and venting my shit for a whole bunch of people who couldn't give fuck one in first place and oh god just shut up jon.