Here transcribe the most awkward conversations that you have had with relatives

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My father in law told me this one about an uncle and my brother in law. I'm glad it wasn't me .. I hope it's not breaking the rules, but it's fucking hilarious (and offensive as hell.)

(by the way, DISTANT uncle on my wife's side - that none of us are too proud of) He lives in rural PA, which will be evident by the end of the dialog.


B: So, you've got a nice place here.
U: yep.
B: Must be nice living out in the country.
U: yep.
B: Lots of space...
U: yep.
B: So, what's it like having Amish neighbors?
(long contemplative pause, drags off cigarette)
U: it's just like living with niggers.
(speechless)

dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:15 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

today over IM with my dad

Dad: YEH YEH YEH, HE LOVES ME YEH YEH YEH YEH.......
Me: dad, are you gay?
Dad: YES. NO. JUST CELEBATE
Dad: GUYS SMELL BAD
Dad: ARE YOU BI?
Me: and their beards hurt when you kiss em
Dad: HA. I HAVE YOU THINKING


uhhhhhhhhh

JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:08 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Kirsten: Hi, Grandpa! (hugs Grandpa)
Grandpa: Wow, Kirsten! You're getting pretty solid!
(This little exchange occurred when I was about 18 and was feeling a bit self-conscious, as I had just gained the Freshman 15, which was more like 20 for me.)

kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:22 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Scene: Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house, late 1980s. In attendance were most of my family, my mom's sister's family, including her son (my cousin), who had always had a tumultuous releationship to the family. Their whole family was pretty dysfunctional, so we didn't see a lot of them together.

Anyway, my aunt is talking about the holidays when her kids and my family were growing up, and how she always enjoyed making the holiday dinners. My cousin chimes in in a pissed off tone, "Ah ma, what could you possibly remember? You were always smashed off your ass, face down in the potatoes."

We all did our best to sort of go "Ch-ch-chhhh" and let that landmine pass us by.

Baked Bean Teeth (Baked Bean Teeth), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:38 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

JaXoN, is that conversation real?

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:40 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

could i make that up?!

JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:11 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

besides, you know it's real, my dad ALWAYS TALKS IN ALL CAPS!

JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:13 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Not quite family, but:

Chuck: (Upon first meeting girlfriend's dad at his farm) Hi, I'm Chuck!
Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)
Chuck: Hi!
Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)
Chuck: It's nice to finally put a face to a name!
Girlfriend's Dad: Would you like to see my kittens in the barn?
Chuck: Sure!
Girlfriend's Dad: There's only a couple left. Some of 'em slept in the tractor last night, and I been scraping 'em out the wheels all morning

Chuck Tatum (Chuck Tatum), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:15 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Penelope: Hi Aunt Jean

Aunt Jean: I'm not Aunt Jean, who are you?

Penelope: Yes you are Aunt Jean, how are you?

Aunt Jean: I don't care who you are, did you bring me fruit jellies?

penelope_11, Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:34 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

(over Thanksgiving dinner)

GRANDMOTHER: If it weren't for Bill Clinton and those liberals, you'd have a better job than working in a bookstore. Did you know that they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?

EVERYONE ELSE: ...

AUNT: Mother, you're disgusting. (storms out)

mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:36 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Chuck, that one reminds me of one of the first times I met my father-in-law. He's a sheep rancher. And he spent the entire evening inserting tampons into real live sheep vaginas. Heh.

He also had me hold lambs while he clipped off their tails:

Him: son, hold this
Me: uh-huh
Him: *sound of cauterization, horrible squeal, and smell of burning lamb*
Me: aw, fuck
Him: blowflies eating out their assholes is worse, son

David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:32 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

"Did you know they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?"

HAHAHAHA i'm going to fill every lull in conversation with this.

Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:04 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

"Nice sunset, eh?"
"yep"
....
"Did you know they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?"

Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:05 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Blowflies eating out their assholes!!! This is the best thread ever I'm going to be sick from enthusiasm.

Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:06 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

every year I end up driving an elderly relative to the hospital for her annual check-up. I don't She's v. posh, quite scary and going slowly nuts. Last year's trip went something like this (the first bit is usually the same, but this one got nasty:

Elderly relative (waking up from snooze in hot car) : What did you say?

Me: Traffic's bad today.
E.R : Who are you?
Me: I'm Dave, we're just going to the hospital?
E.R : Where's XXX (my elder sister)? Why isn't she taking me?
Me : She's at work, I expect.
E.R : Where's YYY (another sister)?
Me: I don't know.
E.R : Where's ZZZ (3rd sis)?
Me: Er.....on holiday.
E.R : Where's AAA (youngest sis)?
Me: Oh she's definitely at work today. Definitely at work.
E.R : None of you can be bothered with me, now I'm old.
Me : Oh they'd love to see you, I'm sure.

Me: Did you remember your appointment card?
E.R. Are you a homosexual?
Me: No, I'm not. I'm married to NNNN, remember?
E.R. Who?
Me: NNNN?
E.R : Oh her.
Awkward silence.
Me: Did you bring your appointment card?
E.R : Mind your own business, young man

Me : Are you too warm, would you like me to open your window a little?
E.R : The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he's a darkie.
Me: Is that a problem?
E.R : Yes. I should very much think that it is.
Me : We're nearly there.

E.R : GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU BLACK BASTARD!
Me: Oh god, I'm sorry. She's...you know. Look, sorry.
(I drag E.R to nearest seat)
Me: Look, I think that was very offensive. Please don't do that again!
E.R : Get stuffed.

E.R : Where's XXXX (eldest sister)?

and we go around again. Roll on this year's visit.

Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:15 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Oh a bit of this got missed out. The 'Get your hands off me' bit happened in the hospital reception when a male nurse attempted to help E.R to a chair. Now it might make sense.

Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:37 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Mum: Your Grandad says all we need now is for you and your sister to get married.

Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:44 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

that's not legal yet.

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:46 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

B'dum tish.

Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:47 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Ah the joy of confused elderly racialists. Will the next generation be the one that does NOT become/remain mortifyingly bigoted in old age?

Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:55 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he used to be in Toploader...

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:56 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

I thought it was mandatory to become reactionary and conservative in old age. I was really looking forward to it.

:(

hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:05 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

I'm looking forward to hating EVERYTHING though, why limit it to particular ethnic groups? :)

Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:09 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

to piss off your liberal grandkids

hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:25 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

garndma: "len? len? can you give t'kids 50p for't paki shop? oh, i shouldn't say that, should i..."


once went to my uncle's pub for a family/local alcoholics xmas get tohether. about 2/3rds of the folks in there started a churus of 'Who Let The Wogs Out'.

matthew james (matthew james), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:34 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

You are joking?

hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:38 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

On the Picadilly Line travelling part of the way through London with my uncle (all this is loud enough that the whole carriage could hear it)
Uncle: I wouldn't fucking have that!
Me: What?
Uncle: Look, a white guy's standing up while *he's* (points overtly to black guy) sitting!
Me: Erm...
Uncle: I'd be right over telling him 'that's a white man's seat yer in'

By this time I'm attempting to disappear into my seat.

He then turns to a black girl across the carriage.
Uncle: So d'you like that reggae music then doll?
Me: This is my stop!

Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:39 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

haha m. grout OTM!

Aaron A., Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:53 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

Grandma: So you're moving to London?
Me: Yup!
Grandma: Just don't go falling in love with an ARAB!
Me: Umm...

mandee, Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:56 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

dad: so, you ever try pot son?
me: no... i never really payed attention to that
dad: have you ever tried any of the harder drugs?
me:uhh... no.
dad: Me, I'd never inject anything.. thats where I draw the line
me: oh... cool
dad: so, you ever try seafood?
me: no.. dont like it

there was silence then for the next hour. Sometimes I really don't like my father.

sunjammerr, Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:00 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

xpost - Only comes in second to the time when she awkwardly asked if I was a lesbian.

mandee, Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:10 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

my dad once turned off the tv as he does when he's really serious. (when it's not that serious he just mutes.) And with this incredible stern face looks to the floor and says, "you know, son, me and your mum have come to a decisions." looks right at me. "we're going to make some spacecakes."

matthew james (matthew james), Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:11 (fifteen years ago) Permalink

fourteen years pass...

dad caught me on the couch with a girl one school lunchtime and the next day he put a heavy hand on my shoulder as i was trying to make a sandwich and i thought

please no

and he said i just have to say one thing

please im thinking please dont start into some fuzzy when two people love each other shite im fifteen and its the ninet-

fiercely, into my ear: you dont have to come in her to make her pregnant

and hes gone, like the fuckin batman of shockingly undadlike filth, leaving me catatonic over a slice of white pan

~mine own~ bitcoin (darraghmac), Thursday, 14 March 2019 23:33 (three months ago) Permalink


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