Best snippet of overheard conversation

actually though, now i think about it, kinda cheating, but in alan bennet's book 'writing home' he quotes one man in a donkey jacket shouting at another likewise dressed in the street saying
"look, there's NOTHING you can teach ME about road-sweeping..."

"Armed robbery's a very serious offence, you know!"

"Yeah so i got the money, got all me mates round to celebrate... Fish and chips all round, strawberries and champagne, you know, the works!"

He's my favourite person of the day.

Mother: "If we wanted to see tigers we would've visited daddy at work"

Me : Hey darlin' we got a lot in common...I'm not wearing a bra either.

My friend turned around knowing it was me, while the lady next to her turned around and said "You Pig!!!" and slapped me...I guess she thought I was talking to her, because she really wasn't wearing a bra...

One sloppy drunk guy noticing the arrival of a packed police van, Central London, New Year's Eve, 1999.

"Martin, why are you being so defensive?"
"Yeah, yeah...well why are you being so OFFENSIVE?"

"today i feel like an indispensible cog in the machine"

1: hey
2: what?
1: you know who really needs a haircut?
2: who?
1: Michael Bolton.
2: yeah, you're right.

I slid under the table I was laughing so hard (and I was in a different booth)! Wish I could recall whether she took him home that night.

Woman behind bar:"You should try Gingko Bilboa, it's fantastic!"

Incredibly drunk guy covered in paint: "Will it give me a huge rectum?"

Man 1: You listen here. If they made me a decent looking woman, you know what I'm saying, it'd be perfect. I already understand guys.
Man 2: Fuck you are so right.

??!

"If you knew anything about space or love, you would never ever fuck with Björk."

ANTO 1: what are you up to this weekend?
ANTO 2: ah, i thought i'd go down to later.
ANTO 1: whaaa? you don't like dance music. why would you go there?
ANTO 2: sure it'll be full of gee!

("gee" = irish slang term for, er, female bits)

two antos (dublin equiv of geezers, maybe) on a bus, some years ago.

ANTO 1: what are you up to this weekend?
ANTO 2: ah, i thought i'd go down to (popular rave club) later.
ANTO 1: whaaa? you don't like dance music. why would you go there?
ANTO 2: sure it'll be full of gee!

("gee" = irish slang term for, er, female bits)

Dependent entirely when the campus pub is open. And we're on summer hours now unfortunately.

1: my dad wanted me to sign his living will, but no way.
2: but?
1: no way, i'm not signing it. i figure it's god's choice. when it's his time to go that's up to god.
2: but the medical bills. he could be like a vegetable like for years.
1: he's got money. i just won't do that.
2: it can be really expensive. it's do not resuscitate.
1: it's outta my hands.
2: ...
1: he's been real into this kinda stuff since he shot himself.
2: ?
1: didn't i tell you that? he put a gun to his head three years ago. blew out his eye, didn't kill him. he's got one eye now, he's still up and around.
3: oh my friend's dad did that. put a shotgun up under his chin, bssshh blew off the whole side of his face, but he lived.

"I'm a bad man, and sometimes a bad man's just got to be bad."
"And sometimes you're just DUMB."

Rude Boy 1: D'you get me. It was fucking out of order!
Rude Boy 2: Totally blood, disrespectful.
RB1: Yeah, he's got no 'spect. I sent him out for fresh pasta and he comes back with dried!
RB2: [shakes head sadly] Dried pasta's such a diss, man.

"Is he going into convulsions?"

"Not yet!"

I live next to the West Hollywood Russian mafia.

A: They don't have any [insert female recording artist name here] CDs!!!!

B: Maybe they're sold-out.

A: Maybe they're just SEXIST!

I also heard them complaining that the store didn't have "enough" Sex Pistols records, whatever that means. Oh, Berkeley..

Overheard on the bus.

"How's your leg these days?"

"Up and down."

Sometimes side to side

"I'm straight. I play 3lv3n C0nqu35t." (don't Google the un-Googleproofed version of that - it's some dodgy hentai game)
On the bus, said by an 18 year old Andr3w T4t3 worshipping idiot. It took all the physical self control I had not to burst out laughing.

we decided that as well as the skiing in winter we had to do tennis in the summer so now we're looking for a tennis club for the boys near barcelona. nice and warm.

in a bathroom:

"It's ok, I'm not offended that you're doing drugs in there"

We're always in Birmingham for Ocean Colour Scene. It's the only reason we come to Birmingham.

― dear confusion the catastrophe waitress (ledge), Wednesday, 3 August 2022 14:09 (seven months ago)

Poor Birmingham. It doesnt deserve such slander.

Two girls behind me in high school math class: "Does it make me a slut if I'm only easy with one guy?"

middle-aged couple ahead of me in line at the grocery store: "are we getting enough toilet paper for this food?"

― Simon H., Monday, March 11, 2019 4:22 PM (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

this is amazing

my favorite one of these was at a show once in college, i think at irving plaza, armchair critic gives his verdict on the band to his buddy: "too much mumbo, not enough jumbo"

He was in one of those Soviet places, not quite Soviet, like Turkey or Turkmenistan or one of those. We can’t get you home they said, but we can get you to Germany

They took him to Kazakhstan overnight, and everyone gave him a weird look. There was only one car.

Then they flew him to East Germany and from there to West Germany

ah i missed a bit out

He was in one of those Soviet places, not quite Soviet, like Turkey or Turkmenistan or one of those. It was Hungary, thats it

We can’t get you home they said, but we can get you to Germany

They took him to Kazakhstan overnight, and everyone gave him a weird look. There was only one car.

Then they flew him to East Germany and from there to West Germany

I was having to type so fast into textddit to try capture what I could, there was more but i couldnt get it fast enough