Depression and what it's really like

i keep adjusting my posture and doing yoga-type stretches and breathing deeply but my chest still feels like it's going to cave in on itself

do you have a doc you trust and friends who are clued in to your situation who you trust to make necessary phone calls if shit goes haywire? If you do then I'll bet it's worth trying the meds. (I'm unipolar d/anxious, not bipolar fwiw so I don't know what the special fun facts about lithium are) Anyway, hang in and keep taking care of yourself and being aware of your mood. And talk to a pro.

yeah i have a therapist and a psychiatrist i see every week and they both lecture and supervise in local clinical programs so they're both top notch (and f'ing expensive too). i talked to my psychiatrist tonight (i talk to her every few days). and i'm already taking two different medications for this, but my psychiatrist thinks maybe i should take lithium because ... well it's a long story but basically even though i'm as cool as a cucumber and self-reflective and know my cognitive behavioral therapy forward and back, i am still prone to occasional jekyll & hyde type mood swings where i do some really crazy shit, and since 15+ years of therapy and SSRIs is not turning the trick the psych is starting to float the idea of just taking lithium and valium every day

she's leaving it up to me obv because taking lithium and valium every day is no joke, and personally i'd rather make *lifestyle changes*, but seriously i've been dealing with this garbage forever, and i was locked up by the cops this month, and i haven't been leaving the house too much because i'm afraid of going berserk again, and i kind of don't have any energy for any more lifestyle changes

and aside from "start training for a marathon" i'm not sure what kind of lifestyle changes are left to be made

apparently i need SUNGLASSES though because BRIGHT LIGHTS MAKE ME GO CRAZY

sorry, this is just bitter venting over my not having more control over my ~feelings~ ... i'm continually surprised and disappointed by how little i have even though supposedly i've been putting major work into this (therapist every week and psychiatrist every month) for 15 years now

i don't know what to say. could you try lithium without the valium?

i mean, i came here to grouse about general malaise, but what you're going through sounds a lot rougher...

sunglasses otm

also: sorry about the rude reply to your "acceptance" thread a few days back, tlk. was feeling particularly bleak.

haha i didn't see that

and i forgot about thread

ahahahaa that was a good one contendo

i'm wondering what were you locked up for? i have been there once due to drunkenness and arrogant angriness towards a policeman who tried to get me to cool down so i imagine it's nothing extreme and nothing to feel particularly bad about (other than embarrassed, i mean). this shit happens. it does not mean you are a bad guy or even a particularly messed up guy. all the best x

i was in traffic trying to tell people important things i had figured out about time, physics, astrotravel, and the soul. the cops showed up and couldn't talk me down so they handcuffed me and took me to a jail for crazy people. i threw my iphone at one point, breaking it. and started cursing at the cops when they wouldn't let me TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THE TRUTH MAAAAAAAN.

i was not on any sort of drugs at the time, i was just, uh, being bipolar i guess.

xpost to contendo: it's true though, rage rage against the dying of the light, no surrender til death etc

it's seriously like some manchurian candidate shit, where i go away and a crazy person takes control of my body. and later i remember what i did but not what i was thinking or why it made sense to do it.

this happens only once every one or two years and i usually manage it better by going somewhere away from people (like camping, or a hospital) and riding it out

there was a very large part of it that had to with religion - i was very devout before college - and i don't remember that, except the other night i remember a tiny bit of it, and it made me weep, and then when i was done weeping i didn't remember it anymore

and later i remember what i did but not what i was thinking or why it made sense to do it.

i've been there. so many times.

creeeeeepy

and scary thinking about a future where you could be 60 and unmarried and away from your family and just ... lose your shit?

i want to be sun ra, not moondogg :-(

I dunno if this is a stupid question but what would life look like on lithium vs what you are taking now? I mean, from growing up I knew it was a super hardcore thing to be on.

I don't have any experience in what you're dealing with LG, but I sure as hell feel for you, my friend

xp

yeah, i get those sorts of anxieties, though i'm not prone to lapses like the ones you describe. i mean, i seem to be sliding towards actual homelessness, and i'm not sure i've got the psychological wherewithal to do anything about it.

i want to be sun ra, not moondogg :-(

me too, man, for real

homelessness? why?

but what would life look like on lithium vs what you are taking now

lamictal + abilify + klonopin every day -> lithium + valium every day

or i guess we could try depakote + ativan first but those are weaker i think than lamictal + klonopin

all I know is to stick with the docs that know what they're doing and don't overload on the benzos. that shit can melt your brain, from what i've seen.

i seem to be sliding towards actual homelessness, and i'm not sure i've got the psychological wherewithal to do anything about it.

Boy oh boy do I identify with that. Pretty much exactly where I was last summer: I had quit my job and given up even trying to find another one. All I can suggest is, if you have someone who can help you out or take you in, swallow your pride and do what you have to do to prevent a short-term mindset from having long-term negative consequences on your life. I'm still not quite out of the hole that was dug by my (in)actions last year, but I'm on much more solid emotional ground.

yeah, i do have friends willing to help out, but i seem to be vanishing into a pit of indifference. i don't feel particularly bad; i just don't care about anything. it's sort of interesting to see what happens as i disengage. i realize that this is self-destructive behavior of a passive sort, but as my own motives seen opaque to me, it's hard to know how to change them.

apathy is pretty much depression 101

yeah, i know. i started taking an SSRI abt a year ago, when the evidence of collapse became impossible to ignore, but it made me feel comatose and didn't seem to help anyway, so i quit after a few months. i'm not sure why i'm posting here, tbh, as i know what's happening and what i ought to do about it. see somebody, different meds, change my routine, get some air. i guess i'm just scared.

scared is a good feeling? it's not total apathy.

yeah, true. fine line though.

all I know is to stick with the docs that know what they're doing and don't overload on the benzos. that shit can melt your brain, from what i've seen.

you may not recall but there is a story circa 2008 on ILX about me falling asleep at the wheel at six am after taking a klonopin at midnight, i missed a cyclist by about 5 yards before i drove off the road

xpost

I really don't think it is that fine a line. I spent most of last year feeling utterly apathetic about the idea of my continued existence and basically convinced that nothing (up to and including taking care of myself) had any point. The point when I started feeling fear again (i.e. the point when I started seeing some tiny pinprick of meaning in life) was the point when I started healing. Hope, in whatever form it manifests, is a big deal.

yes, hope is key

yeah, that's probably true. as well as feeling panicky, i'm exercising more and actually looking for work again, so it has to be a good thing. and thanks, all.

"Do not make best friends with a melancholy sad soul. They always are heavily loaded, and you must bear half." --Francois Fenelon

My mother said this (not as eloquent though).

Funny how depression/instability/*nerves* has at one point made me skinny and now fat. lololol

My comorbidity is flaring up again. I need to stop following politics but I can cuz im addicted.

Yoga seems to help, tho

http://www.avclub.com/articles/new-study-proves-music-is-more-depressing-now-than,84296/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=avclub_rss_daily

let's not be depressed about depressing other people, let's not feel awful about feeling awful, i think all human relations have the potential to be positive, you just got to know where to cut and run

do not make best friends with a chicken soup soul either

there's a difference between making friends with depressive people and making friends with negative people. i know depressives who are optimists and "happy" people who are always complaining.

in any case the depressed don't need to be shunned and have their lives made even worse by that sort of social ostracizing for their suffering

oh i think they can take care of that end on their own

Seriously. People don't even need that douchebag quote. Most people tend that way anyway, treating heavy-heartedness like a communicable disease. I'm right there with whoever said the heavy-hearted often (although certainly not always) go out of their way to not burden others with their shit.

negative people are a trip but i don't read that and think negative people

i have friends who are definitely depressed *and* negative but i have plenty of friends who manage not to be negative, depressed or no.

maybe that quote just comes from the era where people who needed help didn't get help ... UH like my negative friends!!!

corollary: don't be yr depressed friend's therapist

my soul feels dead and I kind of want to stab it a few times more just to make sure

sry sunny, but you should probably not do that

What if you stab it and it's still alive and just in a coma? That could end badly. You should try asking it to blink twice for yes, once for no, before you do anything drastic.

oh sunny :( souls are lazy feckers sometimes it may need a bump start and some hot wires or something