Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

Yeah, it's really hard not to feel some ~tildes of eyeroll~

(I have to admit I am sort of enjoying the semi-delicious terror over this work scenario. Which is ridiculous, and yet.)

I cannot find anyone at work sexy. I haven't had a 'work crush' in like 4 years. It's kinda great this way, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to have one again... now that I am in management I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to have one, though :/

I mean, it's cool to hash this stuff out all symposium-stylee, and I agree with all of the white male privilege arguments, but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of dating, I'm just pointing out on an anecdotal level that I couldn't and wouldn't date anyone who viewed me as emblematic of Maleness And Everything That's Wrong With It. Because, like I say, I don't really relate much to stereotypical maleness and I've gone to great lengths to be as respectful and undouchey as possible. I'm not looking for sympathy or admiration or whateverthehell, I'm just trying to draw attention to the fact that some guys are super gunshy about dating anymore because of the increasing prevalence of turdy, PUA dudes and the awreness that women increasingly have their hackles up as a result. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be getting more vicious.

It's good to have a work crush, gives you a reason not to wear your pajamas to the office. Or that may just be me.

I have one now. I will proceed to mope in a self-pitying way because when the phone rings it isn't him.

It's been so long since I had any kind of crush on a ~real person!~ I had forgotten how powerful they can be. And yet how inconvenient.

It's not just that I'm in a senior level position to him. In a tiny office with about 10 people in it. And also he is, like, 12. Maybe 13 because his voice has broken. And it is ridiculous and inconceivable in every way possible. And my work thought it would be hilarious to seat him opposite me so I have to look at him every time I get up from my desk. And I completely hate myself for being flummoxed by this.

And yet, Jesus Christ, is he pretty! I just can't imagine what it must be like to go through life with a face that beautiful. And have creepy disgusting women like me letch over you. Ugh.

Laurel, I don't *like* having to get dressed nicely every day for work. I like being able to go in wearing my pyjamas with my hair unwashed because who cares who sees me. And now suddenly I have started washing and even *brushing* my hair and putting on proper clothes. It is absurd.

I'm just pointing out on an anecdotal level that I couldn't and wouldn't date anyone who viewed me as emblematic of Maleness And Everything That's Wrong With It.
--Old Lunch

What would someone have to say/do to come off as someone who viewed you as emblematic of maleness?

Xp

I went years and years without a crush. Right now I am still sorta obsessing over a couple of people from the past, and I'd like that to be over with. I'd like to be a bit crushless for a bit. Or have a new obsession.

People From The Past tend to make very very bad crush/obsession material. New crushes are nice because they wipe away all that badness and make the world seem fresh and new again.

I would just really like a more age-appropriate one so I don't feel ~quite~ so Mrs Robinson at work.

i have a work crush, it's never going anywhere and she's married etc, but it's good cos she has enough depth for me to sometimes think she hates me and other times to feel exactly the opposite, which keeps it interesting. making her laugh makes meetings fun.

in more realistic stuff i have been speaking to someone really amazing i met on guardian soulmates, due to meet on tuesday. actually pretty excited albeit tempered with the knowledge that until you meet it all is meaningless really.

Yeah, but still, that's awesome!!!

xpost to rayuela

Well, just a recent example, but my last ex used to read these horrible Nerve True Dating Confessions all the time and she slowly started to get it in her head that I was cheating on her because she was constantly exposing herself to examples of men doing just that. I could only defend myself so much against a complete lack of evidence, motive (long explanations about how I was in a relationship, specifically with her, because I chose to be and that I took that very seriously), and logistical capability (like, we spent so much of our free time together that I would've literally had to have been fucking random strangers on the train on the elevator up to her apartment). It just completely wore me down, and I'll never put myself through that again.

I recently started reading another message board - and there was one particular subsection about it regarding dating that was so poisonous that for about a week I felt like I was hideous, unloveable, and should just become a cat lady.

Yeah, I think exposing yourself to the fucked up situations other people get themselves into has very limited instructional utility. At a point, you're just poisoning your own goodwill towards the very idea of dating.

Basically on this one particular message board the attitude was that unless you were a supermodel, under 30 and wealthy you should just give up.

Hahaha so...everyone?? Well I guess it's time for everyone in the world to resign themselves to dying alone with cats who will eat your still-warm corpse, a web site said so.

Cheer up, mands! You're better than that nonsense.

I just can't find the words to say what I want to say, but, basically... humans cheat because they're assholes and they don't value their relationships enough. They don't cheat because they're men. (Or because they're women, either, when women cheat - and yes, they do, indeed.) I think that the stakes are higher for women who cheat because patriarchy has written them that way. And I think that there are a lot of men who get a lot of traction from, and promote this idea of coding infidelity as a "male" issue, because it somehow excuses them for their own actions.

And that sounds like a shitty thing to have to endure in a relationship (and trust me, I've been there - this was basically the start of how things went really terrible with my abusive ex-fiance, that he used to constantly accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat until I was barely allowed to leave the house.)

But in a way I feel like it is kind of muddying the waters, because unpleasant dating issues and asshole issues, as annoying as they are, are often used as a way of discounting the bigger and more systematic ways in which male privilege works, as just being this "battle of the sexes" relationship type quibbles. And it's a lot more and a lot bigger than that. While, seriously, not trying to discount the unpleasantness that you've experienced.

Sorry this is so poorly formed and thought out, it's late and I'm quite insomniac right now.

I suspended my OKC account today when I came across an answer that an otherwise seemingly nice person gave about dating someone even slightly overweight (she answered that there was no way she would). Bummed me out so bad I had to close my account down. Maybe an overreaction.

Yeah, that was a little too quick. Bryan, come back! Anyone who answers that question in that particular way has issues.

I think it's probably for the best. Leave the site to the people who can handle it.

Laurel, I am no longer bummed. It also happened to arrive at a time when I was feeling particularly unloved by the opposite sex, so it didn't help.

xpost

Yeah, you need some fortitude to wade through those waters. Which is probably at least part of why I deactivated my own account the other day. But I can never seem to shake that stupid site for long.

Was going to delete it like I did 4 years ago when I started a relationship with someone I met on there but I've answered a shitload of questions this time! Such a silly reason to not delete. Don't want to lose the CCrisphead name either, I suppose.

That sounds like it was a shitty situation, old lunch

Oh and apropos of the Work Crush discussion, my work crush finally left and I have to say that I am glad he's gone. It was a level of lust that might be in the neighborhood of what wcc was describing and it was a pain.

I thought I had cured myself of my inappropriate workplace crush, but it came back with a vengeance. I might have to bring back my old cold-shoulder policy.

I feel like maybe we should start an "office crush" or "work place crush oh noes" thread because believe it or not there isn't one on ILX. To maybe compliment the "annoying coworker" thread we could have a "colleagues who fill you with delight" thread. But I have started way too many crush threads in my ILX life.

thread of inappropriate professional attachments

i think there was a "dating a co-worker" thread on nb

I am not the slightest bit interested in dating him. I just want to lick him like a lollipop.

Possibly of relevance to the discussion upthread about seduction and romance

(warning, may contain Julie Burchill)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2001/sep/29/weekend.julieburchill
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/julie-burchill/julie-burchill-forget-about-romance-and-you-might-just-get-yourself-a-decent-marriage-2092527.html

I feel like I just met a guy who Ive known for years and years, somehow. Instant click, instant comfortable familiarity, so much in common, it was... pretty incredible actually. We were both really surprised and delighted.

NOW i get the point of dating someone my own age, ha.

Duh.

That is all.

Debating whether to remind this woman that asked me out immediately after asking if I was a virgin that she - 5 days ago - made tentative mention of meeting tomorrow evening. At this point I'm entirely indifferent and pretty busy. I'm also sort of o_O at the total lack of discussion about anything (it was pretty much - "hey are you selling yourself as a virgin?" - "kind of" - "ok, wanna get a drink?") and little else. And right now I'm too busy to spend an evening that could be used to get work done feeling awkward with someone whose motives and personality are a total mystery.

While I have zero experience on all matters of dating or okcupid, but this all seems fairly weird, no?

a little. but the goal is, presumably, to meet ppl. unless there's some compelling reason not to, seems like it's worth an hour or two at worst

Actually, on second thought ed.b, after watching Andy Warhol's Dracula, I've come to the conclusion that this lady is a vampire and you should probably steer well clear.

That sounds hot!

Agree with Ed.B

is she a little older? sometimes people past their 20's don't make a big deal out of all this phone/message stuff leading up to the event - "ok i got you for sunday, we'll talk then" but a quick check by text to make sure it's still on seems reasonable. you can probably check to see if she's a vampire better in person, just bring some silver crosses or a small mirror or something if you need to be sure

suggest meeting up at http://www.garlicandshots.com/

Or you can always have quick rampant sex with the gardener on the way to meeting her, and if she tries to bite you, your blood will poison her and she'll vomit copiously everywhere? Not quite so hott. (Though somehow Udo Kier made it look hott so who knows.)

Argh, having my usual "first date was amazing and am now utterly impatient to have another one" frustration timez.

Pace yourself! Although, honestly, I wish I was better at pacing myself because I get the same way. I try to remember that that's why I occasionally wind up stuck in months-long situations that probably shouldn't have lasted more than a couple of dates.

So I reactivated my stupid account and did a massive overhaul of my profile. This time around, I favored a casual and laid-back approach that I feel better compliments my personality than the "warts and all" textual panic attack that was my former profile. It's probably a good thing to not expose the entirety of your psyche straight out of the gate, huh?

Well, this guy totally said he liked me and was amazed at how well we got on bla bla and he's definitely said he wants to see me again. I just gotta cool my damn jets. I'm so skittish about trusting ppl after recent bs.

You know something that has actually worked for me recently?

If I really want to see the person again, instead of saying at the end of the date "I had a really fun time, I'd like to see you again" I go "hey, there's this really fun specific thing that we could do in my neighbourhood, how about you email me and let me know when you're free?" So instead of vague plans, there is a specific activity that we are discussing, and a reason for either/both of us to get in contact if you really do want to see each other again. And it's a way that you can actually plan for the next date before the end of that date, but without the pressure of saying yes/no. If they're into you, either of you can get in touch relatively quickly saying all "yeah, that's good for me next Sunday" or whatever.

I seem to be seeing quite a bit of a specific person, it's quite nice. Funny story, though: on discovering that I was a Radiohead fan, they confessed sheepishly that they had never actually knowingly heard the band, and went so far as to run out and borrow a CD from a friend in order to bone up on their music. I was all "actually, I'm so impressed that you've managed to actually escape the all-pervasive cultural influence that I don't actually want to listen to it?"

Lol, I definitely removed the fact that I don't listen to metal from my profile after noticing several v.v. hot but also a little exotic metal chicks.

― formerly EDB (ed.b), Saturday, August 18, 2012 8:51 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Haha, this has already paid off.

If I really want to see the person again, instead of saying at the end of the date "I had a really fun time, I'd like to see you again" I go "hey, there's this really fun specific thing that we could do in my neighbourhood, how about you email me and let me know when you're free?"

This is a good point I never normally follow, I'm always so vague and "lets do whatever, when you like!" and I thought about what you said here, cos I'd been all "would you like to catch up again this week?" and was just getting "yes" as a reply and I was... nrrrgh! So I txtd him today and said "hey, come over my place tomorrow night I'll make us dinner". Success!

Yay! Good going!

See this has been such a hard lesson for me to learn because it goes against all my INTP vagueness but "this has been fun, let's meet again some time" is p much a guarantee you'll never see that person again while "hey do you wanna check out this new cafe, I can do Fri evening or Sunday afternoon, does either of those work for you?" inceases your chances of a second date tenfold.

Yeah I'm definitely not a leader type. Its been hard to be decisive! But it is good when it pays off :)

wcc i saw richard d. james at the gym tonight (although it's also possible that it was aj burnett in a wig)

he was quite fit, but he was wearing purple shorts and those running shoes with individual toes. in other words, a little creepy