Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

I will marry the first lady who messages me and tells me I look like an urchin.

A spiny one?

You want to be made into sushi?

I don't not want to be made into sushi.

I meant "I don't see why not" in terms of meeting him. Not in terms of his sexy changing your mind.

Shocked at how many seemingly cool people answer yes to the question "Do you find arrogance to be a turn-on?", even ones who say in their profiles that they can't stand douches (maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I've always thought of arrogance as the main defining characteristic of a douchebag. Vancouver's a weird fucking place).

i love it when someone messages you and so you check out their profile, and then they message you again because they saw you visit their profile, clearly not remembering that they messaged you only yesterday.

I have a date tomorrow with someone who appears to be a real, live grown-up who likes similar things to me and can write very capably and appears to have thoughts that make sense? Kind of don't know how to what to think of this tbh. I think dating grown-ups might raise the bar for me more than I'm comfortable with--at least when I date fuck-ups, I don't have to worry about not meeting their standards.

That makes it sound like I'm not into this date, and I totally am! It's just...he lives in a more gentrified neighborhood than I do, one that I couldn't afford anymore, and that makes me feel...funny.

i've seen this episode of New Girl

You might need to think less about whether you meet their standards, and more about whether they meet yours? Probably not a helpful observation to make, but still. Unless your problem is actually "argh, will this person want to drag ME kicking and screaming into adulthood?" which is a different issue.

I...it's complicated. I think I'm also transferring some feelings from a previous sitch that was v similar to this one, but which don't nec apply here. Ho hum. Will wait for actual daet.

Well I hope it's fun at any rate.

Haha. Thank you for tolerating my neurosis. I just washed two buckets of nice tops so hopefully I'll have something I feel like wearing by tomorrow evening.

OKC experiences are also pushing me to the edges of my tolerances... sympathy.

Totally understand where yr coming from tbh, L! I feel... intimidated by the kind of men who are my age/older with established homes/jobs/adult pursuits. And really. they dont interest me either? Terrible thing to admit, but I am who i yam!

(think Im gonna delete my okc profile fwiw)

there is nothing wrong with not being interested in a person!

do you have to delete, or couldn't you just leave it there but not log in?

No I meant its terrible that Im not interested in proper grown up manly men, maybe! Well, who knows. Its never come up tbh.

I dont log into okc as it is . And the few ppl who view my profile are, I'll be blunt, *creepy* looking. :(

Lots of really normal-seeming people are undercover weirdos who don't wear their weirdo costumes to work or on their dating profiles -- be interested or not, but it's something to consider.

i haven't really found dating on the internet to be any less or more weirdo-prone than dating "in real life" even friends of friends are a crap shoot (not surprising perhaps considering my friends)

I meant that in favor of quiet undercover weirdos, not as a warning!

ha ha ok fair enough. fwiw i wear my weirdo card on my sleeve irl & on the www tho, why let it be a surprise? i guess i was thinking you meant the bad kinds of weirdos (there's more than one kind don't cha think?)

I think people will interpret weirdness benignly from folks they meet in bars and from friends that would set off alarm bells in an OKC context. We are snuffling, irrational beasts.

Errr. what's the proper etiquette with replying to messages. In my week on okc I've received two, and in both cases it's been pretty clearly a so-not-gonna-happen type thing. Is a courtesy reply necessary if you're not an asshole, or is no reply half expected?

no reply necessary

oh thank god

Also forgot to add "first" before week, as in I've been on it for a week

it might be mean--i am not good at judging such things--but i tried to respond to everything when i first joined and i quickly learned that all it does is create more problems much of the time

Lots of really normal-seeming people are undercover weirdos who don't wear their weirdo costumes to work or on their dating profiles

For. Real. But then I think I pretty much put it all out there in my profile (to the extent that I don't think anyone who met me later would feel that I misrepresented myself) and I don't think it does me any real favors.

Errr. what's the proper etiquette with replying to messages. In my week on okc I've received two, and in both cases it's been pretty clearly a so-not-gonna-happen type thing.

Yeah, I hardly ever respond to these. And they're pretty much all I get. I just don't think there's much necessity in writing, "Not much is up, person with whom I appear to have very little in common, but I'm glad to hear that you also enjoy music. Is there anything else I can help you with?".

i SO don't write short stupid messages like that. i pretty much only message girls i have something in common with, who's pics make them look like someone i'd have a good shot at mutual attraction with if we met in real life. i write shortish-but-fully-literate, no-misspellings messages referencing stuff they talk about, maybe make a topical joke if i can think of one, and a leading question so they can write back easily if they're interested...

...and maybe one lady in 10 responds at all. ok maybe one in 5. which is fine! i understand that's more or less what the ratios are like. but remember ladies for every woman out there going "ugh who are these guys, do they think this would actually work?!?!" there's a perfectly nice guy going "what's up with 20 cold shoulders in a row, am i that horrible ffs?!?!?"

who's whose

guess that's why 4 women out of 5 don't answer my messages then! phew, i thought it was cause i was bald and overweight.

no wonder i can't get a date!

Ha ha, no, it's just funny that it's one of those guaranteed Things On The Internet that if you make a post talking about one's own literacy or lack of spelling or grammatical errors, it's absolutely guaranteed you will make at least one completely ridiculous spelling or grammar error. It is the Way Of Things.

i actually control-clicked the one red underlined word i typed and changed it and everything! now i guess i have to go through my entire okcupid profile again for grammar errors :/

Hey I will regret this later but if anyone wants to look at my profile and see what they think, look up a cocteau twins + harold budd song starting with memory.

btw messiah: typos are ok, they happen, its things like your/you're mistakes that ick me.

Every one has their own deal-breakers. Oddly, grammar/spelling is not actually one of mine - the quality of the thoughts expressed is far more important to me than whether they are expressed by the nonsensical and sometimes contradictory whims of English grammar. People's mileage varies.

But the only thing I would caution you about is self-describing as a "perfectly nice guy." Because that, for me, and for many ladies, is a giant massive red flag. One can usually tell guys who are perfectly reasonable by the way that they act perfectly reasonably. Any guy who has to take the time to point out that he is a "nice guy" (especially in the context of saying things like "I'm a perfectly nice guy and I still can't get women to respond to me") is doing the tell a little too much more than the show for comfort.

The only messages I get are from so not gonna happen type situations. They are always like, into Harley bikes and rednecking around, too.

Any guy who has to take the time to point out that he is a "nice guy" (especially in the context of saying things like "I'm a perfectly nice guy and I still can't get women to respond to me") is doing the tell a little too much more than the show for comfort.

― Shepton Mullet (White Chocolate Cheesecake), Saturday, August 18, 2012

100% agree here - people who describe themselves this way, it raises a suspicion, it sounds defensive + i'm never convinced that people who describe themselves as nice...are in any way nice whatsoever

...and maybe one lady in 10 responds at all. ok maybe one in 5. which is fine! i understand that's more or less what the ratios are like. but remember ladies for every woman out there going "ugh who are these guys, do they think this would actually work?!?!" there's a perfectly nice guy going "what's up with 20 cold shoulders in a row, am i that horrible ffs?!?!?"

― messiahwannabe, Saturday, August 18, 2012

there are multitudes of actually nice people that I wouldn't consider responding to (through no fault of their own, there is nothing wrong with them, just not for me) - it isn't a slight on those people and its not a slight on you if 4 out of 5 girls don't respond. I responded to a much lower % of girls than that on one profile i was on (the other i didnt at all). you can make your profile better, you can make your messages better - its just as likely to be the way you are selling yourself as anything else. they don't see you, they see what you present. can you improve it?

Hey I will regret this later but if anyone wants to look at my profile and see what they think, look up a cocteau twins + harold budd song starting with memory.

Nice. The Cocteaus are one of those things I will occasionally plug into the keywords field on the match search in the hopes of discovering someone with similar-ish tastes. A method by which I discovered that there's presumably only one female OKC-er in the Chicago area who's a fan of Inland Empire (confounding!).

ha ha, actually i was just being self depreciating (i mean, i *am* bald and overweight, but i rock it like it was in style) maybe i shouldn't have but i was actually kinda speaking for all the other perfectly nice guys out there when i said that! i would never EVER describe myself as a "nice guy" in a dating profile, ever. i know that much at least

i mean, i'm pretty sure i *am* a reasonably nice guy (i'm super tight with my band, guys and gals both, we've held together for a decade and counting, all my old high school and college buddy's seem to like hanging out w/me when i'm in town, i still have pleasant, cordial relationships with my various exes etc etc) but that said i've been cultivating a bad boy image since i started my first band in junior high, and tbh i'm pretty sure i've gotten that shit down to an art by this point. actually after a bit of a dry spell i have three dates this weekend! only one from okc but honestly i have no real complaints about the site or my results there.

i'm just saying! it's funny to hear people talk about how much they hate behavior x, but then when you try behavior y you still get plenty of cold, hard rejection... again i'm not complaining, i understand it's the nature of the beast and if i go ahead and send out 10 messages over the course of a couple evenings, i'll usually get a date or 2 out of the effort. which is fine.

some of the women on that site must get dozens of messages a day i guess? i just sorta imagine these "responds selectively" types sitting there going "nope, nope, nah, ugh facial hair <bangs delete button as hard as possible>, hey this one looks ok... nope shirtless pic never mind, delete delete delete, mmmm maybe, nope, nope, coldplay?!?!?, oh hell no, delete, hmmm this one looks ok, maybe, oh, look, it's 9pm already, time for the colbert report!" <closes browser without responding to anyone>

oh great, i just realized i'm being defensive about being a nice guy, no really! which means i'm not. good thing this isn't a dating site i guess

"responds selectively" isn't a bad thing!

your problem is you're putting "some of the women" on a pedastal, and yourself as one of the dozens competing for a reply - when you should be equals. it also sounds like you are just throwing stuff at a wall and seeing what sticks - are your eg 10 messages similar? this kind of approach is always going to result in a lower %

No one is saying you are or aren't a nice guy, its just at this is at best a) like saying, "Hey, I got shoes, I wear shoes, 3 pairs" and at worst b) "I'm nice ok, don't let anyone tell you different, I don't hit anyone - I got ZERO issues. Nice. with a capital N, got it?"

I maybe got it wrong, I only got your words to go on but there's a lot of "which is fine", and "I'm just saying" and "I have no real complaints" which kinda reads like frustration + the scattershot approach suggests impatience which maybe not a good combo

sorry if i got it wrong i don't mean to be a dick

ok who just visited my profile? Curious.

(hands up)

Your profile seems to paint an accurate picture of you, fwiw. To the extent that the ILX you is the real you. It's a favorable portrayal, is what I'm saying here.

thanks! :)

Also anyone who worked out what my username was from what i said earlier is win :)

trayce are you from portland? i have to admit i did the search you suggested. if that's you, our music tastes are pretty similar! would you guys find me if you searched for bali + waterproof ipod + hardboiled wonderland? i can't tell, my internet is being super patchy right now.

so yeah, sure, i may very well be coming off as insecure, here anyway. maybe in real life too, i suppose. probably! i made a decision sometime last year to stop being so player-y, stop dating loads of women casually all at once and concentrate on finding A Woman Of Quality who i could have a long term relationship with, maybe get married and have kids and stuff. obviously as soon as i tried to do that (and i've never been the kind of guy who couldn't get dates) BAM! it was like a desert. it was spooky! i've spent the better part of a year trying to get my mojo back, and it's only been over the last month or 2 i've been getting any attention from the opposite sex again. i still feel a bit spooked too.

really i don't know what i was thinking! i've always, ALWAYS done better when i've just embraced my inner nymphomaniac, it's somehow my best look <shrugs> in the past, when i've just let it all hang out, eventually i meet someone cool. hopefully that'll happen this time as well...