Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

xp I'm the awkward child of parents who were together for 60 years and should have split up after 15-20, and I wouldn't want to do that to a kid, either.

are you saying you'd rather not exist than be christine green leafy dragon indigo?!? :-(

i am always always afraid of turning out like my dad cause lord knows he made some big parenting mistakes but then i remember that i love my dad and he's my hero

warts and all

Yes but they'd be part of me, too! And I would have the same desire, presumably, to care for them at all costs. Someone else's? I kind of think they're always going to be a nuisance, if my reaction to my nephew and cousin's kid is anything to go by.

'presumably'?

I only have one close irl friend with kids and I have to stuff my irritation down when she cancels events or can't do things because of them. Doesn't bode well.

xp Oh who knows.

tbf I have friends who are overly involved in different sorts of organizations (publications, arts boards, public roles) outside of their careers and they're as apt to cancel or delay plans due to meetings running long or some sort of immediate issue popping up. It's really no different than friends with kids.

It's hard to say, like with a lot of dating stuff, bc you don't know what you can deal with until you find someone who makes dealing worthwhile.

Someone I know has been casually dating someone w 3 kids and a separated/ex wife still in the picture. It hasn't been going that well with cancellations and him trying to plan only at the last minute and not being there for her as much as she would like/needs, but all of those things could also be him being a bad person/date/boyfriend.

I'm the awkward child of parents who were together for 60 years and should have split up after 15-20, and I wouldn't want to do that to a kid, either.

Me too, and most of those 15-20 years were before I was born.

My feelings are nothing to do with whether my parents should or shouldn't have been together or should or shouldn't have separated - it's purely down to the idea that I think kids should have some choice in deciding when, where, how and how much they interact with their parents' new partners. And how quickly. Maybe this is down to my father's partner having extremely poor boundaries and massive control issues or my father having social ~issues~ but it makes me nervous about how I'd go about interacting with a potential partner's kids.

Hello, Jeremy Deller, why are you in my top matches?

This is just ultimately depressing because it's just like looking at this menu of all these amazing people who would never in a million years date you.

you know i feel weird saying this but i get extremely and parental, all the time! like even w/ random kids and shit, if someone is lost at the grocery store i'm on like orange alert

if the kid has one quality parent ... my ex-wife's dad married a single mom. he was from the middle east and she was from texas, he was a phd nuclear physicist (didn't want to get blown up by zionists) and she was an orphaned waitress who had left an abusive guy. he calls him dad, and people often think that he *is* his dad, because they have developed the same mannerisms and stuff. did he go through a crazy rebellious phase between, uh, 15-35? yeah, but kids do that w/ their biological parents too. i'm going to go out on a limb w/ science here but that connection is as much about time and proximity and groping towards "family" as it is genetics

That's exactly how I feel (xx-post).

obviously if the kids are shitty because the parents are shitty and that's the vibe then run like hell

Feeling protective of lost kids is the easiest part of that. I play with kids on the subways and give them my jewelry so they don't cry and make finger puppets at them and return lost ones on the beach to their parents, and take care of my neighbor kid when she's locked out and wrestle with toddlers and read to babies and stuff. I don't think it's comparable to raising them, though.

xp Yes, I'd rather not exist than have had my parents stay together as long as they did. They pretty much stayed together just because of me, and I've really done nothing in my life to justify my existence. (Actually, 15-20 years would have been enough to produce me. They were married in 1954, and I was born in 1970--16 years later.)

tbf you don't have to justify your existence to anyone, ever

a paper airplane's not comparable to an ultralight but you could build both w/ time and effort and i bet you'd be proud

I think that was kind of poetic

it didn't rhyme

xp I'm fully convinced "staying together for the kids" is the worst thing you could do for your kids. I could write a book about what it's like growing up between warring parents

xp also i stole it from gene wolfe's "shadow of the torturer"

I think "staying together for the kids" is one of those "well, I have this thing going, nothing else seems that great, this relationship blows, eh let's ride it out" things half the time

I actually convinced my dad not to leave my mom when I was 10. I regret it horribly, and I think about it at least once a week.

tbf, he had such strong feelings about it that he was able to be swayed and thought a 10 year old knew better than him, so I really don't think you were to blame

if a 10 year old, even if it was your kid, told you to jump off a bridge...

In my folks' case it was more staying together due to inertia and fear/dislike of being alone etc. than staying together for the kids. But yeah, my life would have been so much better had my parents divorced when I was 8.

xxp you know he could have decided for himself while you were talking to him, i wouldn't be so quick to judge yourself!

if you stay together for the kids and do the same shit different day that's evil

if you stay together for the kids and work hard on your issues for the kids and maybe negotiate a civilized separation w/ maturity for the kids that's commendable if not always successful

that sounds awful lee!

What I'm trying to say is, itt sure, we're talking about what we want out of relationships.

But if you are going to be dating someone with kids, it is actually quite important what those kids want. Not only what you want.

I'm going to stop trying to explain this now.

I don't think you have to explain it, I think that's clear?

I know a woman who just got engaged to someone with 5 kinds and a crazy ex-wise. He has custody of all 5. Nuts, huh? Works for her but I can't even imagine walking into that much baggage.

ex-wife, obv

i'm seeing the girl i met on here for the 6th time on friday. it's going pretty well i think!

I can talk about moai some more if the kids thing is getting problematic.

oh no i see what you mean, sorry

if you stay together for the kids and work hard on your issues for the kids and maybe negotiate a civilized separation w/ maturity for the kids that's commendable if not always successful

Agreed. The key here is that your idea of "staying together for the kids" is civilized separation, whereas for some, it's staying married and trying to shield from the kid(s) that things are amiss and pretending that everything's fine. That never works - kids invariably will pick up on their parents' distress, and will learn at home all sorts of damaging ideas about relationships.

that sounds awful lee!

It's even worse than you think, which is why I feel so strongly about parents who don't get along not staying together for the kids. I'd like to relate my story at some point - it would explaing many things i've posted elsewhere - but this isn't the thread to do it and I don't want to make it about me.

i have strong feelings about this because my uncle has two kids and his new wife has two kids and they have a new kid together and they're a beautiful family, much happier now than before

but i don't want to project my experience on anybody and i hope not to respect that w/ this lady too

er i hope to respect that

i have no maternal instinct or desire and mentally ill but for the grace of medication so i'm just not ever having kids of my own. i could see dating someone with kids if i never had to be around them, but not now, maybe in 20 years or something. hopefully that person's theoretical kids will be grown up by then though.

When I was in communion class when I was a high schooler, the instructor speculated that a parental death is less emotionally damaging for the kid than divorce because at least they knew their parents still loved each other. Fucking Catholics.

I know many people, some whose parents were married, whose parents never loved each other. Some turned out great nonetheless.

So, uh... if someone blocks you, does it look to you just like their account no longer exists? As if they deleted it?

Which would mean there's no way of knowing if a certain person has bailed from okc, or blocked one?

no, because i've blocked people and had them show up on my visitors list, like way too frequently

so they could still see that yr profile exists, then? huh, whats the point in that.

Someone I know's profile disappeared a while ago, I was curious as to wether theyd deleted it or something else. GUess they just deleted it.

blocking must just stop ppl from messaging, i guess.

(thanksfully Ive never had to deploy it!)