At what age did you lose your virginity?

So, as my previous question probably indicates, I am (at 24 years old) still sexually inactive (i.e. I haven't even kissed anyone*). I don't really feel like it, mostly because I think that when you bypass the teenage hormonal "I MUST get laid" mindset you also kind of lose most of the naivite and quasi-innocence that's often more associated with that age/worldview than with sex. Also, sexual inactivity has made me spend an inordinate amount of time thinking deeply about sexuality on a theoretical and philosophical level (R your DE, I know...) to the extent that I'm probably incomparably more open-minded and liberal about sexuality than I would have been entering early on into so-called normative hetero relationships, courtship and all. Anyways, 24 feels like it's past some line in the sand, in that it feels like it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. While my virginity is a product of morbid shyness and social introversion as opposed to, say, repression, religion, etc. (to say nothing of an up-and-down history of early sexual precociousness, the later self-imposed teenage reaction to that, and the counter-later reaction to that) I do worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships. I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

*Well, I once was kind of kissed by a guy at this outdoor party in montreal (piknic electronik, of course) who was, to my ignorance (at least initially) seriously cruising me. I was 18, on a 5 week long trip to montreal, and had just lost my wallet; after spending hours looking for it, I was happy to be able to commiserate with anyone or have anyone take my mind off the enormous stress I was just burdened with. He must have been in his later 20s, and more or less asked out-and-out if he could blow me, asked for my number, etc. He was pretty persistent, and was rubbing my leg (about which I didn't say anything - not out of intimidation or anything, though it was somewhat uncomfortable). I kept explaining that I was straight, despite his claims that I looked curious. (The latter wasn't entirely, 100%, absolutely untrue, but evidently I was far less bi-curious than I thought, let alone under such infortuiotous circumstances). After giving up he leaned in to kiss me and I didn't avoid it, and actually kind of pouted my lips in receipt. While obviously you can't expect a straight 18 year old to know cruising etiquette, I feel kind of foolish for being naive and leading him on, I guess. In any case I don't count it as a kiss: it was one-sided and had no tongue or anything fancy like that. Mostly it's just a "funny" anecdote now.

Woah, I didn't realize that was so long...

best post you could make, given the circumstances

I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

i reached this point when i was 20 & did just that... my sexual experiences for, like, an entire year often weren't anymore fulfilling than masturbating but it was just good to get it over with and push myself out of my comfort zone. i'd recommend exploring that avenue. morbid shyness probably won't help, but the best part about no strings attached is that there are no strings attached.

What he said. I lost my virginity at 21 and met the man (the second man I've ever dated, btw) I've been married to for 19 years less than six months later. I'd been turning down oppertunities to get laid since I was 17 simply because I was frightened of penetration, and I consider that to be one of the two worst decisions of my life. Get laid. Now.

Being really shy and introverted might make NSA stuff awkward and near impossible though? . . . it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. I do see the appeal of just jumping in, so to speak, to get over that THING and make it seem like less of an enormous issue. God, this is tricky! Do you, and I'm being totally serious here, have any friends you could rope in to help you out? Maybe a good friend you've known for years who would be willing to participate in some make out sesh with you?

I'm outgoing and extroverted and NSA stuff still can be awkward

24's really not that awkward imo, it's barely even an outlier in those results up there ^. I'd've said you'd be better 'overcoming' the shyness, or at least working around it. If you feel it's inhibited you, I'm guessing it's also done so in other ways too, so if you work on meeting people more generally you might find you pick up other experiences, the lack of which feels less pressing (and these might in turn lead to getting lucky, who knows?).

And I certainly wouldn't "worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships" - you don't sound like you're going to be falling into scenarios where that'd seem weird, and anyway all relationships are different and the world is full of shy and inexperienced people. Chances are it'll be far less of a deal for a partner than you might think.

I don't think there's anything weird about being a virgin at 24 either. It's more then never kissed someone thing that makes me think shyness is a big issue here. I assume this also means you've never had a relationship, right?

just get a fleshlight

srsly though i think there are scarier and more pleasurable things (in terms of the required trust and level of bonding) in a relationship ... ok tbh maybe only like 3 or 4 things but believe it or not sex w/o those other 3 or 4 things gets boring fast

anyway i think virgins should focus on enjoying that phase of their life, seeing past people as potential sexual partners is key to becoming sexual partners and it's hard to do that if you're stressed about being a virgin

you should take some intense martial arts and unicorn taming classes while you're still a virgin

maybe i should say "successful sexual partners" because obv a lot of people also settle for a sanitized version of the deathdrone approach

sex vs. relationships vs. success

haven't had much of any of those three lately....

It is possible to not have had sex and still be happy with your life. As with everything in life, it only becomes a problem if you let it become one. I have better things to do than worry about solitude or virginity. The new Swans album leaked and it's awesome. :-)

Thanks for advice. To maybe clarify some things: involuntary celibacy doesn't bother me so much - I do enjoy freedom from relationship/chasing-tail burden - but growing complacency is making this look increasingly like an unecessarily long term thing. Basically, my problem is that I have a really difficult time meeting people and, especially, with maintaining relationships. As a result I have very few friends and hardly make any; at the same time, I've always figured whatever relationships I get into will come about through friendships, friends-of-friends, etc., which has never amounted to anything. I feel like I need to reconsider this strategy and go at it more... directly, I guess? In sum: last september I started an MA with a 36:3 male to female ratio. I mostly jokingly said to myself that if by [now] I'm still a virgin then I'm just going to give up on sexuality. This is like my crossroads ultimatum moment. And yes 24 isn't so bad, but I think it just feels long for someone who was sexually precocious early on (e.g masturbating at 10; more than daily at 12, lol).

I have better things to do
than worry about solitude or virginity.

- Rush, "The Eagle's Eye"

That's female to male ratio. And the other males are respectively partnered and a repulsive asshole.

Those are good odds; time to back yourself and make friends imo.

or you can just throw a post up on craigslist "casual encounters" and you'll be a non-virgin by next week. Though you probably won't enjoy the experience....

Are you in a university town, or a city? I know a number of guys who had that kind of ratio in engineering school--they hunkered down, worked hard, got great jobs and wives after.

EDB, you're not that far off where I was at your age. If you're a grad student, find the stodgiest bar that grad students hang out at and just start talking to people, if that's at all appealing.

Hey EDB I found this "guide to flirting" and I thought it was p helpful. Kind without being GAMEMASTER or creepy or weird, genuinely practical advice for a dingdong like me.

mh, why the stodgiest bar?

Grad students don't go to the partyingest college bars, that's for undergrads.

grad students go to the overpriced ones

OK, I give up. There's really no good reason I, at 25, and with an active libido and no relevant psychological or physical issues, should still be sexually inactive. I haven't even gotten anywhere, at all, since joining OkCupid more than a year ago. I dunno if I should, like, get this looked into, or whether I'm just subjecting myself to unnecessary self-pathologization.

if you ask someone "can i kiss you?" at a somewhat unusual moment in the midst of a conversation during a date or romantically charged hangout that's going well -- and sell it correctly by sounding confident yet somehow also caught off guard, as if the idea has just come to you -- you should be golden.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/05074a4364dfceceda751ad26a90ca3a/tumblr_mqbbkrQ7wd1rqw994o2_500.gif

ha

i mean, i am the first to admit i probably don't know what i am talking about. i just think that it might be a risk free way for ed.b to see where he stands if he finds himself in an ambiguous situation.

But if she says yes, then what do I do!?!?

The thing is, like, I haven't even gotten to the point where that was a possibility.

When I I I feel that something
I want to hold your haaaaaaand.
Please let me hold your ha-a-a-a-a-and.
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I fele happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide.

I wish libidos were like, say, kidneys so I could sell mine on the black market.

Been looking at site new answers all day, guess Matt P is taking some time off

*farts*

That's the spirit

do you have severe social anxiety and/or are you "holding out" for a supermodel? not joking. if the former you should address that in a more general sense rather than place too much emphasis on getting laid.

Well, I do have non-severe social anxiety issues - at least not severe enough to prevent me from going on dates - which is more or less the root of the problem. I rarely meet people, very rarely make friends, and have especial difficulty maintaining relationships, hence the fact I've never met and befriending available women where there's mutual attraction (I did come close this summer, but ultimately she wasn't interested in me).

Very tempted to start a sex/relationship advice column on ILTMI where people can benefit from my vast inexperience.

(a crowd gathers below the ledge and they chant)

do it! do it!

People that are ultimately not that interested might be sex partners before that ultimatum comes into effect

Is it possible to fail more totally as a human than by being a 28 year old virgin?

(excluding obvious answer of 'by being a 29/30/31 etc year old virgin')

short answer: yes

gotta say that never having put a part of your body into an opening in another person's body, or had a part of another person's body put into an opening in your body, does not strike me as a particularly noteworthy marker of one's success or lack thereof

OTM

yeah, WTF? (re soref)

28 yr old virgin = me, if that wasn't clear, not trying to have a go at anyone else.