At what age did you lose your virginity?

are there any conservative christians here who did the socratic method to preserve their chastity promise to christ?

My guess is that a lot of women have some experience with coercion in sex, or maybe going along with it for a variety of reasons, the result being that you said "yes" but you didn't want to, or didn't want to then, or with that person, or something, so you end up feeling vaguely violated/aggressed. But also since you ALLOWED it, it's actually your fault, so you turn the feeling of violation on yourself and it shows up as depression or other socially acceptable ways for girls to be unhappy. This is handily branded as "a natural reaction to your LOSS OF INNOCENCE," you slutty slut. It's really destructive and insidious stuff all around.

When I confessed to a different bishop at age 19 that I'd done all the sexing except actual sex, he blamed it all on the guy and said I'd been "lead down a primrose path" by a "wolf in sheep's clothing," which I was happy to accept at the time but now it makes me a little cross. I had a say in the matter, too! Sheesh.

― Team Safeword (Abbbottt), Thursday, July 19, 2012 11:13 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Honestly, you get what you deserve for sexing up a furrie.

My guess is that a lot of women have some experience with coercion in sex, or maybe going along with it for a variety of reasons, the result being that you said "yes" but you didn't want to, or didn't want to then, or with that person, or something, so you end up feeling vaguely violated/aggressed.

very good point. although based on personal experience, i wouldn't describe this as a gender specific phenomenon. there's both a general/cultural/social coercion and a specific/incidental coercion at work in a lot of early sex-experiences. a bad old 'we should do this now!' drive or a 'you want to do this?' 'yes, don't you?' that stems from both developmental differences and particulars of the partners and overrides reason and better judgement.

'i must do this so i'm not left alone at the virgin table' or 'i don't want to seem like i'm not ready' or 'i've come this far and it's easier to just go along' or 'i'm terrified and don't know to do'

I never said that it couldn't also happen to men, of course boys can of course experience violation of their..hmm...personhood? just like girls can. But the pressures and consequences, both physical and social, are not evenly applied in real life dating.

It's not really about virginity or purity or innocence, it's about consent, is all I'm saying. Or I guess, proposing. Of course most sex ed/school systems/parents/etc are trying to crazy to keep kids from having any ability to give educated consent for anything involving their own bodies so I don't know what we expect to happen.

very true! i was meaning to indicate that there are a whole host of common and deep-rooted pressures and drives ('i'm not grown up until i do this thing and act like i like it, even if i don't' or 'yeah, the first time was awesome! it was amazing and so sexy and wrong!' 'whatever i'm a dude it was obviously awesome') that act internally/externally with equivalent nefariousness, if not countervailing force.

There are very few times in my life where I've had sex with someone for the first time and thought that it was during great circumstances. Too many times being drunk, or feeling pressured, or feeling like I was pressuring in some way, although the last is probably more hand-wringing than anything.

On the other hand, that makes the instances where the circumstances were good seem really great.

Awww Laurel, that's sweet though.

We'll have to agree to disagree about that, because I think it's needless self-flagellation.

I meant reading the books from that era part. I thought you were reading them at 15. Went back and re-read the post.

I am actually the one who wanted sex. The guy never even tried to kiss me until I told him too. He was just so weird, looking back at it all. He would sit there and stare at me most of the time. Didn't say much. I was okay with having sex the first time until he dropped me off at school that afternoon and my grandfather was there waiting. I found myself sitting in my grandfather's car as he drove me home wanting very much to just be a kid again. But at school the next day I felt great and was thinking of how we could meet up again. But every time
I was around my paternal grandparents or little sister I just became weird. Christmas that year was depressing, as was my birthday. I think this is what can happen when growing up Catholic and with a mother who couldn't even say sex. She'd spell it out.

Until I was 17 or so I always thought I was a pervert for wanting to do oral. As in, I thought it was a kink? I was worried my partners would think I was kinky. So I never did, even though I wanted to. Whoops and ouch.

ouch

I think yr doing it wrong

And even at 17, nobody told me. I still thought it was something other people'd find disgusting. I gave a "um you might think this is gross but I'd like to do something" speech the first time I went down. And afterward, I worried that I had an oral fixation and stopped chewing gum and toothpicks.

I don't remember when I found out that it was not only normal but considered necessary.

Def. didn't think it was normal, or at least commonplace, at 17. Don't think it's considered necessary even now.

(I mostly mean face-to-pie)

lol

contray to Owen's experience, I don't remember the first time I had anything besides oral. I mean, AIDS was in full bloom, that was about as intense as I wanted to get for awhile.

well if phone sex counts

at what age did you lose your phone sex virginity?

still pristine tbh

April 6, 2006
Assuming we're referring to hearing the Village People song
Is This The Finest Music Vid evah? (The Village People, "Sex Over the Phone")

middle school, when i got a sound card for my 386 and learned about the exciting world of sound boards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGvNJl_LQ7Y

How did I ever forget about Kathy McGinty!!

wow!

When that guy blew me at 14, it started with me really wanting asking blow him, asking him if I could, then getting rrrrreally freaked out, thinking about AIDS and the fact that he was a very grown up total stranger. I panicked (all internal, no freakout) but fortunately he started blowing me and I gave him a hand job.

For all the ways religion was a problem for me, I somehow never had nearly the guilt, shame, and inhibitions that Rome instilled in others. I always thought Catholic guilt was something people half-joked about b/c Catholics seem less uptight in so many ways (eg, drinking and smoking) but damn, maybe they're lax in those regards b/c they're working overtime ruining sex.

I feel so sad to read so many of you felt bad because of religious upbringing causing guilt about sex. :( I went to an ecumenica interfaith church camp at 16 where ppl were told "more than hugging/holding hands is SINFUL" and couples were crying and stuff and it made me so mad.

My first time was pretty eh but I'd done everything but that up to it so it wasnt a big deal. As others have said, even with every new partner, often the first time is kinda crap, you need time to find each other out, which can make 1 night stands a bit awkward. Mindblowing wow stuff has only been after 2-3 times with someone Ive adored.

I've deleted some posts, but left aero's because it's a generically otm post beyond its relationship to any one poster, and because it didn't have any identifiers. I can delete it as well if aero wants me to. I didn't see any deletion request in the Mod Request Board...? Anyway, let me know if there's more to be done.

should probably go ahead and delete it - it's in response to a post that's gone now. thanks WmC yr the best!

nah, I'm just drawn that way

So, as my previous question probably indicates, I am (at 24 years old) still sexually inactive (i.e. I haven't even kissed anyone*). I don't really feel like it, mostly because I think that when you bypass the teenage hormonal "I MUST get laid" mindset you also kind of lose most of the naivite and quasi-innocence that's often more associated with that age/worldview than with sex. Also, sexual inactivity has made me spend an inordinate amount of time thinking deeply about sexuality on a theoretical and philosophical level (R your DE, I know...) to the extent that I'm probably incomparably more open-minded and liberal about sexuality than I would have been entering early on into so-called normative hetero relationships, courtship and all. Anyways, 24 feels like it's past some line in the sand, in that it feels like it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. While my virginity is a product of morbid shyness and social introversion as opposed to, say, repression, religion, etc. (to say nothing of an up-and-down history of early sexual precociousness, the later self-imposed teenage reaction to that, and the counter-later reaction to that) I do worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships. I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

*Well, I once was kind of kissed by a guy at this outdoor party in montreal (piknic electronik, of course) who was, to my ignorance (at least initially) seriously cruising me. I was 18, on a 5 week long trip to montreal, and had just lost my wallet; after spending hours looking for it, I was happy to be able to commiserate with anyone or have anyone take my mind off the enormous stress I was just burdened with. He must have been in his later 20s, and more or less asked out-and-out if he could blow me, asked for my number, etc. He was pretty persistent, and was rubbing my leg (about which I didn't say anything - not out of intimidation or anything, though it was somewhat uncomfortable). I kept explaining that I was straight, despite his claims that I looked curious. (The latter wasn't entirely, 100%, absolutely untrue, but evidently I was far less bi-curious than I thought, let alone under such infortuiotous circumstances). After giving up he leaned in to kiss me and I didn't avoid it, and actually kind of pouted my lips in receipt. While obviously you can't expect a straight 18 year old to know cruising etiquette, I feel kind of foolish for being naive and leading him on, I guess. In any case I don't count it as a kiss: it was one-sided and had no tongue or anything fancy like that. Mostly it's just a "funny" anecdote now.

Woah, I didn't realize that was so long...

best post you could make, given the circumstances

I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

i reached this point when i was 20 & did just that... my sexual experiences for, like, an entire year often weren't anymore fulfilling than masturbating but it was just good to get it over with and push myself out of my comfort zone. i'd recommend exploring that avenue. morbid shyness probably won't help, but the best part about no strings attached is that there are no strings attached.

What he said. I lost my virginity at 21 and met the man (the second man I've ever dated, btw) I've been married to for 19 years less than six months later. I'd been turning down oppertunities to get laid since I was 17 simply because I was frightened of penetration, and I consider that to be one of the two worst decisions of my life. Get laid. Now.

Being really shy and introverted might make NSA stuff awkward and near impossible though? . . . it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. I do see the appeal of just jumping in, so to speak, to get over that THING and make it seem like less of an enormous issue. God, this is tricky! Do you, and I'm being totally serious here, have any friends you could rope in to help you out? Maybe a good friend you've known for years who would be willing to participate in some make out sesh with you?

I'm outgoing and extroverted and NSA stuff still can be awkward

24's really not that awkward imo, it's barely even an outlier in those results up there ^. I'd've said you'd be better 'overcoming' the shyness, or at least working around it. If you feel it's inhibited you, I'm guessing it's also done so in other ways too, so if you work on meeting people more generally you might find you pick up other experiences, the lack of which feels less pressing (and these might in turn lead to getting lucky, who knows?).

And I certainly wouldn't "worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships" - you don't sound like you're going to be falling into scenarios where that'd seem weird, and anyway all relationships are different and the world is full of shy and inexperienced people. Chances are it'll be far less of a deal for a partner than you might think.

I don't think there's anything weird about being a virgin at 24 either. It's more then never kissed someone thing that makes me think shyness is a big issue here. I assume this also means you've never had a relationship, right?

just get a fleshlight

srsly though i think there are scarier and more pleasurable things (in terms of the required trust and level of bonding) in a relationship ... ok tbh maybe only like 3 or 4 things but believe it or not sex w/o those other 3 or 4 things gets boring fast

anyway i think virgins should focus on enjoying that phase of their life, seeing past people as potential sexual partners is key to becoming sexual partners and it's hard to do that if you're stressed about being a virgin

you should take some intense martial arts and unicorn taming classes while you're still a virgin

maybe i should say "successful sexual partners" because obv a lot of people also settle for a sanitized version of the deathdrone approach

sex vs. relationships vs. success

haven't had much of any of those three lately....

It is possible to not have had sex and still be happy with your life. As with everything in life, it only becomes a problem if you let it become one. I have better things to do than worry about solitude or virginity. The new Swans album leaked and it's awesome. :-)

Thanks for advice. To maybe clarify some things: involuntary celibacy doesn't bother me so much - I do enjoy freedom from relationship/chasing-tail burden - but growing complacency is making this look increasingly like an unecessarily long term thing. Basically, my problem is that I have a really difficult time meeting people and, especially, with maintaining relationships. As a result I have very few friends and hardly make any; at the same time, I've always figured whatever relationships I get into will come about through friendships, friends-of-friends, etc., which has never amounted to anything. I feel like I need to reconsider this strategy and go at it more... directly, I guess? In sum: last september I started an MA with a 36:3 male to female ratio. I mostly jokingly said to myself that if by [now] I'm still a virgin then I'm just going to give up on sexuality. This is like my crossroads ultimatum moment. And yes 24 isn't so bad, but I think it just feels long for someone who was sexually precocious early on (e.g masturbating at 10; more than daily at 12, lol).

I have better things to do
than worry about solitude or virginity.

- Rush, "The Eagle's Eye"

That's female to male ratio. And the other males are respectively partnered and a repulsive asshole.