At what age did you lose your virginity?

actually, I lost my glasses last night.

shoot! sry dude.

20/20 behindsight

is it possible to lose virginity incrementally? because i'm pretty sure i did. there was no single moment – just a succession of rash and confused decisions that lead to me saying, eventually, that i was Not a Virgin. many of the sad weird fumbling things i did before PIV cost and required more psychologically and emotionally than the Actual Moment, which came a few years after i first fooled around. An actual Moment i can, truthfully, barely remember.

traditional PIV was kind of 'oh, we did that' whereas when i answered the poll – and thought about the question of losing virginit – i picked the moment in which i, err, grew up and sort of lost the starry-eyed teenaged love thing and connected sex to real life.

not trying to be difficult, but isn't that the case with most people? that the actual sex is a secondary virginity loss to some other edenic fall that can be either precedent or antecedent by many years?

so otm. it's manufacturing an ailment that has an antidote, like snake bites & sucking out venom.

Honey, you have to help me quick. A snake bit my penis.

that seems like it would be a foolproof ploy until she whips out the pocket knife

http://i.imgur.com/0RAh6.gif

I remember sitting on the stage during the commencement ceremony in my snow white dress (all-girls Catholic school thing) and just praying over and over again that I wasn't pregnant.
Ummmm....ENBB, I actually took on a Novena once because i didn't want to be pregnant. It was a most horrible two weeks. I didn't want to hurt or disappoint my grandparents. My parents I didn't really care about because I imagined they'd be so mega-pissed at me.

What I remember most, once I wasn't a virgin anymore, between the ages of 15 and 21 was a constant, deep, pit dwelling feeling in my stomach of my innocence slipping away. I think this is what would lead to night depression. I'd be great all day, world on a string, youthful highs, but nighttime was the opposite. In my bed alone, I would just cry myself to sleep. If I were in bed with someone else, I would just become slightly irritable and moody... post coital.

Eventually this went away and only returned the very few times I did drugs. Once I did mushrooms, smoked pot when I dated a guy who grew it in his closet. I then started to guard whatever innocence I had left.

See, I felt that way after the first time I ever let someone kiss me, at all. I went back to my dorm room and burst into tears and cried myself to sleep for a week or so because I could never have another "first" kiss and what if he wasn't the one? I would have wasted my innocence and it would be all my fault for making a bad choice.

I never kissed him again, and by the time I had another boyfriend, 4 years later, I had moved on a little with my personal drama llama. Thank god because seriously.

He went on to become an undertaker, so I don't feel like I really missed out by not keeping that going.

The first time I kissed someone at age 15, I had a lonnnng confession session to my bishop in which I spent 5-10 minutes crying before I could get the words out. I felt so guilty. It freaked my bishop out a little. He kept trying to reassure me it wasn't that big a deal and I kept making those horrible choking hiccup sobs.

When I confessed to a different bishop at age 19 that I'd done all the sexing except actual sex, he blamed it all on the guy and said I'd been "lead down a primrose path" by a "wolf in sheep's clothing," which I was happy to accept at the time but now it makes me a little cross. I had a say in the matter, too! Sheesh.

I probably spent 15 years of my life reading way too many books that were published in 1920 in which a woman's virtue was compromised if she looked promisingly at a man across the dinner table. It gave me a complex.

I am sad that people had to feel bad about "innocence" and stuff. I wasn't in Catholic school long enough to get that baggage & the secular school where I got sex-ed happened to be during this miraculous window in elementary school education where U of Chicago early-education grads were taking some pretty radical ideas into the schools.* We had a week of sex ed taught by a married couple and it was comprehensive & open. Sex saved my life, honestly; without it high school would have been total Hell for me; my home life was horrible, I was a scrawny different kid ripe for bullying. Sex was the best damn this in life.
* (A year or two after I moved on to junior high, the Reagan revolution came along and the local schoolboard ousted the principal for moving the curriculum in a whole-person-rather-than-test-results way - long story.)

TBH sex with my HS boyfriend was a pretty awesome experience and, weirdly, some of the best I've ever had. I didn't regret it then at all and still don't.

I did feel the loss of innocence thing after the 2nd guy I ever slept with. It wasn't exactly all that consensual and in the morning I was filled with massive amounts of guilt and regret and sadness. He insisted on walking me back to my dorm and I didn't really know what else to do so I let him. Along the way he said "It's always a little awkward the morning after you sleep with someone the first time" to which I shot back "Yeah? I wouldn't really know since I've only ever slept with one other person". When I got back to my dorm I laid on my friend's bed all day and cried until it was time to go out and get drunk again. That night we ran into someone we knew who mentioned that said dude had been boasting in class earlier that day that he'd gotten laid the night before and was all smiles.

My first boy I ever kissed was named Clint. We were in 7th grade and were "going out". Our friends kept pressuring us to kiss but I wasn't sure I wanted to. One day he sent me a note that said "Do you want to make out? Circle one: yes no maybe. I circled maybe and a couple weeks later we kissed in the locker area during a school dance. His tongue felt like a slug.

my Mom got sex-ed at a Catholic school when her (occasional, I think) teacher walked across the classroom, closed the door & told all the kids they needed to know some things. so important.

are there any conservative christians here who did the socratic method to preserve their chastity promise to christ?

My guess is that a lot of women have some experience with coercion in sex, or maybe going along with it for a variety of reasons, the result being that you said "yes" but you didn't want to, or didn't want to then, or with that person, or something, so you end up feeling vaguely violated/aggressed. But also since you ALLOWED it, it's actually your fault, so you turn the feeling of violation on yourself and it shows up as depression or other socially acceptable ways for girls to be unhappy. This is handily branded as "a natural reaction to your LOSS OF INNOCENCE," you slutty slut. It's really destructive and insidious stuff all around.

When I confessed to a different bishop at age 19 that I'd done all the sexing except actual sex, he blamed it all on the guy and said I'd been "lead down a primrose path" by a "wolf in sheep's clothing," which I was happy to accept at the time but now it makes me a little cross. I had a say in the matter, too! Sheesh.

― Team Safeword (Abbbottt), Thursday, July 19, 2012 11:13 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Honestly, you get what you deserve for sexing up a furrie.

My guess is that a lot of women have some experience with coercion in sex, or maybe going along with it for a variety of reasons, the result being that you said "yes" but you didn't want to, or didn't want to then, or with that person, or something, so you end up feeling vaguely violated/aggressed.

very good point. although based on personal experience, i wouldn't describe this as a gender specific phenomenon. there's both a general/cultural/social coercion and a specific/incidental coercion at work in a lot of early sex-experiences. a bad old 'we should do this now!' drive or a 'you want to do this?' 'yes, don't you?' that stems from both developmental differences and particulars of the partners and overrides reason and better judgement.

'i must do this so i'm not left alone at the virgin table' or 'i don't want to seem like i'm not ready' or 'i've come this far and it's easier to just go along' or 'i'm terrified and don't know to do'

I never said that it couldn't also happen to men, of course boys can of course experience violation of their..hmm...personhood? just like girls can. But the pressures and consequences, both physical and social, are not evenly applied in real life dating.

It's not really about virginity or purity or innocence, it's about consent, is all I'm saying. Or I guess, proposing. Of course most sex ed/school systems/parents/etc are trying to crazy to keep kids from having any ability to give educated consent for anything involving their own bodies so I don't know what we expect to happen.

very true! i was meaning to indicate that there are a whole host of common and deep-rooted pressures and drives ('i'm not grown up until i do this thing and act like i like it, even if i don't' or 'yeah, the first time was awesome! it was amazing and so sexy and wrong!' 'whatever i'm a dude it was obviously awesome') that act internally/externally with equivalent nefariousness, if not countervailing force.

There are very few times in my life where I've had sex with someone for the first time and thought that it was during great circumstances. Too many times being drunk, or feeling pressured, or feeling like I was pressuring in some way, although the last is probably more hand-wringing than anything.

On the other hand, that makes the instances where the circumstances were good seem really great.

Awww Laurel, that's sweet though.

We'll have to agree to disagree about that, because I think it's needless self-flagellation.

I meant reading the books from that era part. I thought you were reading them at 15. Went back and re-read the post.

I am actually the one who wanted sex. The guy never even tried to kiss me until I told him too. He was just so weird, looking back at it all. He would sit there and stare at me most of the time. Didn't say much. I was okay with having sex the first time until he dropped me off at school that afternoon and my grandfather was there waiting. I found myself sitting in my grandfather's car as he drove me home wanting very much to just be a kid again. But at school the next day I felt great and was thinking of how we could meet up again. But every time
I was around my paternal grandparents or little sister I just became weird. Christmas that year was depressing, as was my birthday. I think this is what can happen when growing up Catholic and with a mother who couldn't even say sex. She'd spell it out.

Until I was 17 or so I always thought I was a pervert for wanting to do oral. As in, I thought it was a kink? I was worried my partners would think I was kinky. So I never did, even though I wanted to. Whoops and ouch.

ouch

I think yr doing it wrong

And even at 17, nobody told me. I still thought it was something other people'd find disgusting. I gave a "um you might think this is gross but I'd like to do something" speech the first time I went down. And afterward, I worried that I had an oral fixation and stopped chewing gum and toothpicks.

I don't remember when I found out that it was not only normal but considered necessary.

Def. didn't think it was normal, or at least commonplace, at 17. Don't think it's considered necessary even now.

(I mostly mean face-to-pie)

lol

contray to Owen's experience, I don't remember the first time I had anything besides oral. I mean, AIDS was in full bloom, that was about as intense as I wanted to get for awhile.

well if phone sex counts

at what age did you lose your phone sex virginity?

still pristine tbh

April 6, 2006
Assuming we're referring to hearing the Village People song
Is This The Finest Music Vid evah? (The Village People, "Sex Over the Phone")

middle school, when i got a sound card for my 386 and learned about the exciting world of sound boards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGvNJl_LQ7Y

How did I ever forget about Kathy McGinty!!

wow!

When that guy blew me at 14, it started with me really wanting asking blow him, asking him if I could, then getting rrrrreally freaked out, thinking about AIDS and the fact that he was a very grown up total stranger. I panicked (all internal, no freakout) but fortunately he started blowing me and I gave him a hand job.

For all the ways religion was a problem for me, I somehow never had nearly the guilt, shame, and inhibitions that Rome instilled in others. I always thought Catholic guilt was something people half-joked about b/c Catholics seem less uptight in so many ways (eg, drinking and smoking) but damn, maybe they're lax in those regards b/c they're working overtime ruining sex.

I feel so sad to read so many of you felt bad because of religious upbringing causing guilt about sex. :( I went to an ecumenica interfaith church camp at 16 where ppl were told "more than hugging/holding hands is SINFUL" and couples were crying and stuff and it made me so mad.

My first time was pretty eh but I'd done everything but that up to it so it wasnt a big deal. As others have said, even with every new partner, often the first time is kinda crap, you need time to find each other out, which can make 1 night stands a bit awkward. Mindblowing wow stuff has only been after 2-3 times with someone Ive adored.

I've deleted some posts, but left aero's because it's a generically otm post beyond its relationship to any one poster, and because it didn't have any identifiers. I can delete it as well if aero wants me to. I didn't see any deletion request in the Mod Request Board...? Anyway, let me know if there's more to be done.

should probably go ahead and delete it - it's in response to a post that's gone now. thanks WmC yr the best!

nah, I'm just drawn that way

So, as my previous question probably indicates, I am (at 24 years old) still sexually inactive (i.e. I haven't even kissed anyone*). I don't really feel like it, mostly because I think that when you bypass the teenage hormonal "I MUST get laid" mindset you also kind of lose most of the naivite and quasi-innocence that's often more associated with that age/worldview than with sex. Also, sexual inactivity has made me spend an inordinate amount of time thinking deeply about sexuality on a theoretical and philosophical level (R your DE, I know...) to the extent that I'm probably incomparably more open-minded and liberal about sexuality than I would have been entering early on into so-called normative hetero relationships, courtship and all. Anyways, 24 feels like it's past some line in the sand, in that it feels like it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. While my virginity is a product of morbid shyness and social introversion as opposed to, say, repression, religion, etc. (to say nothing of an up-and-down history of early sexual precociousness, the later self-imposed teenage reaction to that, and the counter-later reaction to that) I do worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships. I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

*Well, I once was kind of kissed by a guy at this outdoor party in montreal (piknic electronik, of course) who was, to my ignorance (at least initially) seriously cruising me. I was 18, on a 5 week long trip to montreal, and had just lost my wallet; after spending hours looking for it, I was happy to be able to commiserate with anyone or have anyone take my mind off the enormous stress I was just burdened with. He must have been in his later 20s, and more or less asked out-and-out if he could blow me, asked for my number, etc. He was pretty persistent, and was rubbing my leg (about which I didn't say anything - not out of intimidation or anything, though it was somewhat uncomfortable). I kept explaining that I was straight, despite his claims that I looked curious. (The latter wasn't entirely, 100%, absolutely untrue, but evidently I was far less bi-curious than I thought, let alone under such infortuiotous circumstances). After giving up he leaned in to kiss me and I didn't avoid it, and actually kind of pouted my lips in receipt. While obviously you can't expect a straight 18 year old to know cruising etiquette, I feel kind of foolish for being naive and leading him on, I guess. In any case I don't count it as a kiss: it was one-sided and had no tongue or anything fancy like that. Mostly it's just a "funny" anecdote now.