Depression and what it's really like

I've tried that. Doesn't work.

flying carpet? :)

I'd love one...you can cast spells from 'em, after all, not like a griffin or a pegasus....

Problem is, I've been walled off emotionally from the outside world for so long that my moods now almost never have anything to do with what's going on around me.

(This includes lots of things, actually. I've never vomited or even felt nauseated from bad smells or the like. I don't smile or laugh when I think things are funny, I just think, "That's funny." Things like this scare me.)

Some days I wish there was some kind of evil bureaucracy i could go to, like the one in Soylent Green. Or at the very least, the murder booths in Futurama. We're supposed to be living in the future, dammit.

I feel like I've been telling myself "Tomorrow!" or "Next week!" for at least ten years now.

went to see a psychiatric nurse yesterday for an assessment and had a really good and sensible discussion. the upshot was that "hey, you've been in a very not good drinking cycle for the last 25 years and until you put that right no amount of therapy or meds is gonna make you better"

as one of ilx's most obvious problem boozers it's not like i didn't know that i had issues that way, but i've always found (pitiful) excuses to not deal with it - telling myself it was a symptom not a cause, telling myself cos i don't roll out of bed in the morning and grab a bedside bottle of rum the problem wasn't that bad, any amount of fairly obvious bullshit excuse-making i guess

but having it laid out so clear to me - i cannot change, i will not shake off the depression, until i stop getting amnesiac drunk twice a week - finally made sense. the penny's taken an inordinate amount of time to drop.

i'm crap at clinging to the wagon, i know i've publically renounced and failed a hundred times. almost all of my social life is tied into getting drunk. i feel like i'm staring into an oncoming bereavement. but i also finally think i have a purpose. if i want to have a shot at changing any of the stuff that ruins my head i have to start with the obvious and change how i drink. totally change it.

so if it's okay guys i might reach out to y'all here a lot and be more pathetic than ever sometimes cos i know it's gonna be the rockiest road and this is my best venting spot. but at least i have the semblance of a plan. no drunkeness may not equal no depression but there's always gonna be depression as long as there's drunkeness. how long did it take you to work that one out you stupid, stupid git?

it's been fun but hey, maybe not that much fun.

that sounds like an important step

ime the difference between heavy social drinkers and chronic alcoholics who hide whisky bottles in every available nook and probably cranny too, is that the latter at least know they are evading the problem even if they can't do much about it

almost all of my social life is tied into getting drunk = this is why i have become more of an antisocial drinker, a bottle of wine at home vs a bottle of wine to summon sociability, then the same again

hey noodle if im ever up north, we should go for a non alcoholic beverage and talk about disappointing football teams or something :D

cool. i need to do a london-y Fancy A Not-pint at some stage too

good luck NV. want to say something corny about being proud of you but I won't so instead *handshake*

All right. Now we're getting somewhere.

best of luck NV

thanks folks.

think we all know this will have its first crash by the weekend but i am working to a plan. and the aim isn't to teetotal it, it's to stay sober and enjoy the occasional glass of wine or beer. just may have to avoid the occasional glass early on until i've learned some proper self-control skillz.

Good luck, NV -- I'm glad this thread is here for you to use whenever and however needed.

Good luck, NV. I am not looking forward to eventually confronting my own substance abuse issues. Hugs to you.

High five, NV. Have you looked into Moderation Management?

well done, NV, best of luck

yeah, good luck mr vague, seriously rooting for you here

vegemitegirl.. meditation is a great idea.

― alpha farticles

Do other people really find it helpful? I find myself brooding on my issues to a degree that I'm sure can't be healthy. Although I may well be doing it wrong.

I can not sit still and think about nothing. Telling me to meditate is the same as telling me to watch a sunset without blinking.

the way I hear it the idea isn't to be able to think about nothing right away. it's to sit with your thoughts, have your thoughts, accept that they are your thoughts, then let them pass along. idk I have only tried a couple times.

It takes practice and effort to actually be able to do it. To me, that's the point.

"I can not sit still and think about nothing."
are the thoughts like a single narrator or abstract fragments? i don't think meditation is the same thing as not thinking about stuff, is it?

nv we got a words with friends duel to settle iirc

I can not sit still and think about nothing.

i had a small breakthrough with meditation recently such that it's useful to a small extent now. for me, the necessary first step is listening to what's going on around me without my inner monologue commenting on it. so like right now there're a few birds and the occasional car passing. listening just to listen gets me out of my head - i can feel my awareness expand out from a knot inside my head to the space around me. it also has to do with a sense of the passage of time. somehow that subtly eases the ubiquitous background anxiety that wears me out and triggers depressive episodes. that slight calming effect makes breathing a little easier and thinking a little clearer so i can make a proactive next step rather than react to the anxiety by distracting myself from it. this all happens within 5/10 minutes and i get on with my day.

it doesn't always work though. i have to be mindful of how i feel from situation to situation so i don't get tripped up on something and spiral into a funk that lasts half the day.

the thing about depression i've realized from being mired in it for as long as i can remember is the process is slooow and gradual to get up and out of it. this applies to noodle vague's issue too. i have my own probs with intoxication though mine are spread across a few of them. take it slow, be good to yourself. steps back will be taken but be sure to always face forward and do the next right thing as best you can manage.

"Do not make best friends with a melancholy sad soul. They always are heavily loaded, and you must bear half." --Francois Fenelon

Ouch! Do you agree with this? Is it fair?

no

Yeah that's a load of crap. Plenty of melancholy sad souls I know are, if anything, hyper-vigilant of the possibility of becoming a burden to others.

How did I forget to respond to this? Yeah, fuck that guy in the ear.

maybe 'best' friends...whatever that means

great vlock tackle.

tancredi's link up play is A+

*block* tackle

whoops rong thread lol

Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss.

sounds like fenelon is a bit of a sad soul himself

me, my manic phase seems to be suddenly petering out for some reason and i've barely moved today out of fear that something bad will happen. i don't want to just gobble a bunch of sleeping pills, but i'm mostly just walking around the house *looking at stuff* like somethings going to happen

this fucking bipolar lifestyle sucks. i was looking forward to enjoying all this unnatural energy i've had for the past few week and then i just hit this brick wall made of ... nothing? loneliness, since my friends are all out of town this weekend and a lot of my plans fell through? how come i can't be manic at least through labor day?

what do you think, lithium or no lithium? big decisions.

i keep adjusting my posture and doing yoga-type stretches and breathing deeply but my chest still feels like it's going to cave in on itself

do you have a doc you trust and friends who are clued in to your situation who you trust to make necessary phone calls if shit goes haywire? If you do then I'll bet it's worth trying the meds. (I'm unipolar d/anxious, not bipolar fwiw so I don't know what the special fun facts about lithium are) Anyway, hang in and keep taking care of yourself and being aware of your mood. And talk to a pro.

yeah i have a therapist and a psychiatrist i see every week and they both lecture and supervise in local clinical programs so they're both top notch (and f'ing expensive too). i talked to my psychiatrist tonight (i talk to her every few days). and i'm already taking two different medications for this, but my psychiatrist thinks maybe i should take lithium because ... well it's a long story but basically even though i'm as cool as a cucumber and self-reflective and know my cognitive behavioral therapy forward and back, i am still prone to occasional jekyll & hyde type mood swings where i do some really crazy shit, and since 15+ years of therapy and SSRIs is not turning the trick the psych is starting to float the idea of just taking lithium and valium every day

she's leaving it up to me obv because taking lithium and valium every day is no joke, and personally i'd rather make *lifestyle changes*, but seriously i've been dealing with this garbage forever, and i was locked up by the cops this month, and i haven't been leaving the house too much because i'm afraid of going berserk again, and i kind of don't have any energy for any more lifestyle changes

and aside from "start training for a marathon" i'm not sure what kind of lifestyle changes are left to be made

apparently i need SUNGLASSES though because BRIGHT LIGHTS MAKE ME GO CRAZY

sorry, this is just bitter venting over my not having more control over my ~feelings~ ... i'm continually surprised and disappointed by how little i have even though supposedly i've been putting major work into this (therapist every week and psychiatrist every month) for 15 years now

i don't know what to say. could you try lithium without the valium?

i mean, i came here to grouse about general malaise, but what you're going through sounds a lot rougher...

sunglasses otm

also: sorry about the rude reply to your "acceptance" thread a few days back, tlk. was feeling particularly bleak.

haha i didn't see that

and i forgot about thread

ahahahaa that was a good one contendo