Depression and what it's really like

http://onemoviefiveviews.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/lgffd-00288.jpg

Boggle needs more slow-motion flame-bucket fights scored to Dead Can Dance song

more owl puns, please

Emily, I have def been diagnosed on a number of occasions with major depression. In he end the real diagnosis was ADD, anxiety and PTSD. Depression can be a symptom of these for sure but now I'm stuck taking anti-deps because I can't deal with being fucked up for a year while my brain readjusts.

Guess who got himself a case of shingles? Whoo-hoo!

I am the best at being the worst.

Oh no! I'm sorry - it's supposed to be really painful. Probably to do with all the stress? Take care of yourself, N.

Definitely to do with all of the stress. Thankfully, I caught it early because, because of it showing up with a few other nerve-y things, I had myself convinced that it was MS, so I went to the doctor as soon as I could.

^You can remove a "because," if you'd like.

It is at the least, a very good thing you dont have MS :D xx

Yikes dude! So glad you caught it early.

For me one of the worst things about the Major D is how, when it gets really bad, I start thinking everyone who doesn't have it is a stupid shit. Also how the bad mood magically brings back every other depressive episode ever and makes it seem like that's what MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN.

I really started to feel myself sliding down into the shit over the past few weeks--after a year of really bad anxiety, agoraphobia & hypochondria. Just absolutely exhausted, wanting to sleep all the time, bored and isolated, but too freaked out/tired whenever I tried to socialize/be active. But this thread for real made me feel slightly better to the point where I'm not utterly doomed. This and RuPaul's drag race. Also lists with stuff like 1.unload dishwasher 2.trim nails 3.clean cheese off the carpet.

<3 that list

Yeah finishing a lot of mundane and neccesary things is what keeps me going, sometimes. KNowing theyre DONE, such a weight off, even when its just doing the dishes (or in one recent amazing load off case of mine, doing 6 years of taxes and finally paying off a 15 year old student loan)

Most of that post sounds like my life last week. :) high five, emily!

let's go to rupaul U together, get dragulated.

Not that I regard myself as Clinical D depressed. I am a bit skewed downwards, and I certainly dont manage my moods or reactions as well as I could (hi, booze) but Ive never wanted to kill myself so I guess I'm ok?

That sounds like "I'm a good driver, I've never totaled my car!"

Haha yeah, I know :(

I say this as someone who has been in, and caused, a couple car accidents btw. No judgment.

Yeah, I've never wanted to kill myself, it's more I get to feeling like I'm gonna evaporate. I do worry about becoming suicidal, but that might be more an obsessional thing. But I don't think you have to have suicidal ideation to be clinically D'ed.

@finefine, I really need to have a tic tac lunch with Ru

I would but I ate in 2005..

Also her handling of Tyra's panic attack was classic. "Okay, do we need to breath into the paper bag?" I definitely need a calming, authoritative figure like that around.

Also, congrats Trayce. That's some serious taking care of adult business that I can't even fathom right now.

Yeah it really hung over my head like an ever-swinging scythe! I never realised how much it bothered me - it really is one of those adult things, and taxes, money in general has always really overwhelmed me for some reason. It does one wonders to achieve things like that, I think.

Found an IRL representation of our friend The Cartoon Owl.

http://i.imgur.com/acJy9.jpg

Maybe they are advertising a mobility-enhancing robot exoskeleton.

I was doing ok for a few days and just crashed hard today- just can't stop beating myself up over letting social phobia and depression take away not just college but now pretty much my entire 20s, and horrified at the thought of going to therapy (again) or on meds (again) when that's all I've been doing since age 12 or so and it's gotten me absolutely nothing beyond the basic ability to make eye contact for up to two seconds at a time without crying. Being told that after a few years of therapy I might be able to be feel comfortable around other people just kind of makes me want to die. I mean, what's the point now?

Oh god, eye contact is the worst. That and being around people. I live in New York, and am nowhere near being able to afford living on my own, and don't know anyone, so I have to live with craigslist randos, and I can't tell you how much I hate not being able to pee or go to the fridge or really anything without having to deal with someone else.

I'm sorry TT, this shit is incredibly rough. Are there people around that care about you? Maybe just do it (trying to get better, I mean) for them, and later in the process you can figure out how to do it for yourself.

One thing I'm learning is that, while I keep thinking "why should I get better when I can just stagnate and not have to go through all that shit?" that's not really an option. Doing nothing isn't a neutral thing, it just makes your day to day worse and worse. Unfortunately (at least I tend to think it's unfortunate, I'm sure the starry-eyed optimists think it's awesome) stasis isn't actually an option; things only get better or worse.

Also (and I'm incredibly guilty of thinking otherwise myself), we're actually very young, and nowhere near any point of no return. Even if it does take years of therapy (which seems like a discouraging, worst-case-scenario thing to say), whole new lives can start in, doing the rough math, your early 30's.

I don't know if any of this helps, it doesn't often when similar things are said to me, but I hope you feel better.

en i see kay perhaps you should have beers with the greater nyc ilx group sometime. i mean, we're people, but largely decent ones.

I'd be down for that. As long as no one gets stoned and talks *at* me for 15 minutes about how some guy is out of their league, you'll have one up on my roommate.

Do you know, in all this time I didn't realize you were RIGHT HERE. How COULD you??

No guilt, no guilt. I'm just saying.

i can promise to refrain from eye contact/getting stoned, though i obviously can't speak for others

Cripes tt, you sound just like me. It fucking blows BLOWSSSS ... it's like being dead while alive, but worse because you're living with excruciating torture everyday. Only recently shit's turning around for me, but it took a critical moment where I said "fuck it, I don't care what I gotta do, I'm fixing this shit." Cuz that's the only way... it's inevitable if you want to live life, but it's worth it when everyday becomes more and more bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable. But goddamn it's hard to do, especially on your own. There's no other way, though, but it's totally possible to get better. /hooray!

Because I'm an awful, terrible person, oh my god, I am so sorry, I always do this, etc.

xxpost

Listen, sorry, I'm kind of overbearing. The thing is we already know about your anxiety, right? So you can just have a beer and not talk, and we can mostly leave you alone if that's what you want, but at least you'll be out with people who know something about you? And still invited your company. That seems worthwhile?

Nah, I'd be up for that, and I appreciate the offer. Thanks!

You can meet iatee. I mean just think! An ilx legend.

man I want to meet iatee

I would like to meet p much any ilxors

that too

I don't know... see, I lived in the suburbs this one time... I was only house sitting for a friend, I swear.

i'm sure he'll be okay as long as you've understood your mistake lol

aaaaaaggghhh So I slept until 6 pm today. Was secretly relieved that it was 100 degrees outside so I could follow my natural inclination to stay in and do nothing. Around dusk finally decided to leave the house, only to feel, five minutes in, that my lungs were being crushed and I was going to die. I managed to make it to the package store a block away. Kind of hilariously used the brown bag on the walk home to keep from hyperventilating. Now back home on the internet. Life sucks right now.

Brown bags have many uses.

yep. I feel like I'm never gonna be able to do normal activities ever again. Too numb and distressed to even cry, which would be a relief. (Maybe at first...I've had crying jags in the past, and after awhile that really doesn't feel good either.)

I would like to meet p much any ilxors

― he bit me (it felt like a diss) (m bison),

Read this as "I would like to meet-punch any ilxors" and thought it a bit too aggresive for the thread.

devastating new variation on the meet-cute

vegemitegirl.. meditation is a great idea.

Really? I found it to be pretty much useless for combating anxiety. I open my eyes, and the fear and dread is back within a minute.