Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

In my case, I usually err far on the side of figuring they're not interested.

Ayup. If I could single out any one aspect of my social anxiety that is most damaging and which I would love to disappear forever, that'd be the one. It's far too easy for me to assume that I'm cluttering up the otberwise tidy lives of other people, up to and including family members. It's just...stupid and absolutely lacking in any utility whatsoever.

See, hearing you say that, it sounds irrational and surely incorrect, even though I get stuck in that kind of thinking, too. It makes Daily Affirmations seem sensible.

Oh, yeah, it's almost wholly irrational. Seeing it all spelled out like that definitely underscores how utterly ridiculous a neurosis it is.

In my case, I usually err far on the side of figuring they're not interested.

Yeah same here, and I know thats self-defeating. I know it logically. But still. Upthread also, someone said "Honestly, my ideal situation would be if people I knew a little and had spent some time around and was interested in eventually displayed an interest themselves."

This is so true for me, and to be honest I have a fair few single male friends I'm actually quite attracted to. But I daren't say so, cause if I fuck that up, its embarrassing for everyone, so I just... dont.

It might be a little bit of having had the "girls dont make the first move" BS beaten into my head as a teenager, too. THANKS MA.

IS it wholly irrational though?

(the idea that people don't want to be bothered in public)

i am always amazed at how nice and day-making it is to have a random person smile at me, let alone 'bother me'

it's surely more complicated for ppl who are not large white dudes tho

No, of course not wholly irrational. But feeling that you are bothering anyone you say hello to - even when you know better - is pretty irrational.

Yeah, I should've been clearer: irrational wrt strangers/people you don't know that well, pretty much wholly irrational wrt people who've voluntarily been in your life for any appreciable amount of time.

The more you try saying hi to people you recognize, esp. if you remember their name, the bigger your social circle gets. It's hard at first but it pays off fast, and the scariness of it goes away with practice. Think, if almost everyone feels like you do – "should I greet this person who I casually recognize?" – which tbh a lot of people do ––––– if you have that feeling too and break through it and say "hi," you've beat the game. I seriously think this is how "popular" people who know everyone do it. It doesn't take too much work, just a little initial discomfort, and sometimes continued discomfort for the occasional outlier who is too cool for school (fuck 'em).

Hmm... I see your point. That said, when the tables are turned, I would prefer such people just ignore me in public, even acquaintances I've known for years. Frankly, I dread the stop-n-chat. I just assume many feel the same...

But I guess you get what you give, to simplify

Well sure there are often times I don't want to be bothered, even by those I have met, which is when the following strategies work
wear sunglasses and headphones
read a book
look grouchy
don't smoke cigarettes because someone will ask you for one
and when those don't work
move a thousand miles away to a town where you know no one
they all work

wisdom robots

look grouchy

this works incredibly well for me

it's my best success too, that and the moving very far away one

Move a thousand miles away... still workin' on that one! Yeah, it would help me avoid these Seinfeld-type situations.

Think, if almost everyone feels like you do – "should I greet this person who I casually recognize?" – which tbh a lot of people do ––––– if you have that feeling too and break through it and say "hi," you've beat the game.

Abbbottt OTM

Yeah, I mean, that speaks to my belief that confidence is, like, the cheat code to modern life. I've tried every button combination I can think of but I still haven't quite mastered it.

Confidence = lying all the time right?

only to yourself

my job/life requires me to be outgoing, engaging, confident, upbeat and energetic and very often I'm faking all the above
but if you learn to do it right, it's like forcing yourself to smile: it works anyway

so basically, if you lie enough, it becomes true

Fake it until you make it.

Behavior can and does affect outlook.

Yeah it's the only reason I'm slightly less of a neurotic insaniac.

Just ACTING LIKE I WAS NOT. "You are what you pretend to be" – Kurt Vonnegut in Mother Night (which was meant cautionarily, any time you isolate a quote like that is just looks like it's supposed to be inspirational, which isn't really fair)

It works as both. Just like Nhex's last post does.

Yeah, as crippling as all that shit can be, I'm usually fine in most social respects other than trying to initiate conversations with strangers (and even that I can overcome if I put some effort into it). I don't even try to fake like I'm all smooth n' confident, though. I just, like, wall off the socially-anxious part of my brain when I need to, to the extent that my self-doubt can just stfu for a little while. Probably the same thing at the end of the day. But that's definitely one of the things I credit improv with helping/forcing me to do.

Wait what is this?? Email just now re a person whose profile I viewed:

He is checking you out right now!

We're letting you know because he's an exceptionally good match. You should check him out too. And a couple things:

• we're smart about sending these: we'll only ever send one
per person you view
• viewing someone a bunch won't send multiples
• therefore you can stalk safely without looking like a stalker

Go get 'em!

I didn't know this was a thing. I don't even think I have a picture or substantial profile.

it is a thing, but 'exceptionally good match' is not always accurate

I get those emails all the time! Havent you had one before now Jesse?

And yeah I do wonder about how the matches work cos I'm like, 90-99% with quite a large group of ppl, none of whom really appeal to me, but eh.

i wondered that too. the theory i went with is that if you tend to answer a bunch of a certain kind of question, and someone else does too, then you'll get a lot of people who are scored as highly compatible with you, but really are mainly highly compatible with you in the one or two areas of questions that you answered a bunch of. for example, i answered a ton of questions about religion (basically trying to weed out any mega-religious people from my results because that was never going to work), and all of my 90%+ matches tended to be people who felt the same way.

btw i have no idea why i still have this thread bookmarked. i've been with my current gf for like 4 months now, things are going great, and we didn't even meet on okc! i feel like a crepe

i sort of like to see other "normal" people's experiences with the site. a couple times i have brought it up on dates but i think i am inadvertently friend zoning myself by doing that "lets talk about dating other people!"

I get those emails all the time! Havent you had one before now Jesse?

I haven't, but I haven't really been *using* the site. Like I said, I have't answered any questions or done "essays." I don't even think I have a picture up! Plus I looked at his profile on my phone when I got a Quiver match email, and I didn't expect the site would recognize me if I was on a device where I'd never logged in. (I know that's no miracle, but I just didn't think about it.)

clicking an email link seems to automatically log you in

Yeah it does. assume the u/p is in the URL or something.

i get like one of those every two days at least

The increase in casual sex offers has gone through the roof lately! What's going on? I am starting to clown these fools, because it's soooo annoying!

Exhibit A:
Got a message from a guy who lists BUD LIGHT as one of the six things he can't live without. He has written me several times about his HUGE COCK. I just sent him a response: "How many times are you going to send the same message over and over again? Take your eight incher elsewhere. I have no interest to get to know someone who can't live without BUD LIGHT."

Exhibit B:
Guy with no photo writes me to say he's in town for the weekend, and can he tempt me with an offer to visit his hotel and we can get drinks and watch A BASKETBALL GAME?

I guess there's nothing wrong with a basketball game, but I am clearly not the kind of girl who is at all into sports. Nonetheless driving to a stranger's hotel room to watch them.

that's okay, he probably doesn't really want to watch a basketball game either

ball-handling joke - wait, curses

YAAAAAARGH

Of COURSE. The one nearby person I was into (99% match/0% enemy!) and I just today (via OKC msg) discovered in mutual terror that we know some of the same people, and both have ... interesting ... Google histories. Theoretically this could have gone well, but I got tense and wouldn't send a photo (I don't have any on OKC, and actually don't have any a.t.m. that are less than a year and a half old), and made a preemptive joke about him being kind of a player. I instantly felt bad and apologized, but it was a moment of douchey internet-dating-related weirdness that I hope not to repeat. 'Spose it's not necessarily best to pursue people who are too similar to oneself, anyway. Back into my burrow I scuttle. The End.

I really hit it off (online) with this girl on OKC a few years ago, and as we were building towards actually meeting, we both slowly came to realize that she was "friends" with someone with whom I'd had this big meltdown falling out (the person in question has some, ahem, social difficulties, let's say). She got paranoid that her "friend" was fucking with her by putting me up to contacting her (not entirely outside the realm of possibility, given how her "friend" sometimes treated people). And then we wound up never actually meeting in person. So thanks for that, "friend".

Oh, although we never met up, we did keep talking on occasion, and she eventually had a falling out of her own with our mutual "friend". Unsurprisingly.

Hitting it off with someone online to discover that they are somehow already connected to my "real life" is def. a nightmare scenario to me

What?? See, this might be a relief to me!

yeah I don't mind it either tho it depends who they know I guess, I met one rly lovely guy who is friends with fellow ilx mongrels, alas he'd already started seeing someone else. one other mutual friend thing was a disaster tho, guy who knew my housemates gf of the time and inexplicably hated my housemate over what turned out to be a massive misunderstanding, it became a bizarre drama very quickly ugh.

ok so i have a bit of a saga involving a person i have NOT EVEN MET from okc.

a couple weeks ago when i reactivated okc this guy messaged me and he seemed kind cute and we talked about sci-fi and fantasy literature mostly and made some tentative plans to hang out and exchanged numbers (though as it becomes important later that i did not actually add his # to my phone) . i think i mentioned him up thread. well, he didn't write back for a week so i assumed he had other stuff going on, or whatever, and forgot about it. last week i got a text from someone and didn't recognize the number - i assumed it was a friend who's # i didn't have since my phone was stolen in spain and wrote back asking who it was. i proceed to get a barrage of more and more angry texts implying all kinds of things about me (i was called a player! that has to be a first haha) and i just wrote back sorry but the texts kept coming. there were a more the next morning when i woke up. then there was a very long email about how he couldn't comprehend how i did not know who it was that was texting me (but he still wanted to hang out but i had to initiate it?). i didn't reply. then the next day i got another email from him apologizing for getting mad at me (didn't respond) then another couple of emails pouring his heart out about all of this stuff he was going through and how terrible the last few months have been and i felt pretty sympathetic and wrote back to him offering to refer him to my psychiatrist and just kind of saying how much medication and therapy have helped me. he has written about four more emails that i haven't responded to and the last one was 1,200 words! this is someone i have NEVER MET. i'm just not sure what to do.

holy fuck