Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

In 1997 when I started using the internet, I was obsessed with Kafka, so I used a combo of my name + one of his best known characters. I've been trying to get away from it b/c it's pretty much unique and it makes it too easy to cyber stalk me, but the only other name that appeals to me is "debaser" and that's too fanboy-ish.

ZS, will you name me?

Haha - Just remembered the other user name that started as a joke: Trampolina (or Trampolino). That has definite connotations....

sure!

just be Kdot

the thing about usernames is that you should never spend more than 7 seconds thinking of them

at least, that's my theory

xpost Kdot has is really neutral, no one will think twice about it, and then there's the bonus that maybe sometime a special someone will be like "does Kdot mean K., like in Kafka" and you can say "gaaaaaaah"

my username is a mashup of the mythical universal solvent and the heroine of The Scarlet Letter.

i'm thinking about pulling my account as i am kinda set for the moment and I always wanna follow up when people contact me regardless.

"it's low-risk, with considerable upside", as we in the pro username consulting biz like to say

Is 'familyguy4eva' available?

frequent name on gay.com is (or was, c. 2000) a variant of lQQking

Also: AnFboi, AandFboi and other combos of A[bercrombie] [a]n[d] F[itch] and the diminutive for "boy."

How about 'solve_et_caligula'?

"sturm_und_drangbus"

reactivated the other night out of boredom

got several messages within hours -- i guess you pop up in searches more often when you're 'new'

the whole thing somehow seems even weirder this time, but that could just be my mood

but no, no one pays much attention to the username. and if someone does and rules you out based on that, the relationship was doomed to failure from the start.

Weeeelll, I dont know. I can't say I'm drven to message someone called "hot4U" or "dropUrPanties" or "ImaLova", really. Especially baffling when a real icky comeon username is on a v normal person, too (tho usually its on the "hi I have my shirt off and my face isnt in the photo" type of dickhead).

if someone does and rules you out based on that, the relationship was doomed to failure from the start

i dunno about 'rules you out' but when working with v. limited information and a lot of potential 'candidates' (ugh, sorry), a ridic username is as much of a reason to slide on by as anything else

well, revisionism here but i didn't mean that any ol' username is ok. most people are going to be a bit put off by a guy calling himself Big8====D. i just mean it's not worth working yourself into a fit over the large % of names that fit within 3 standard deviations of normalcy

however, it's always possible that i am not within 3 SD's of normalcy. *paints self into corner*

reactivated the other night out of boredom

got several messages within hours -- i guess you pop up in searches more often when you're 'new'

the whole thing somehow seems even weirder this time, but that could just be my mood

― mookieproof, Tuesday, May 29, 2012 2:47 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is a good trick for short term self esteem boost btw

haha yeah

PROTIP: If you look at a zillion profiles and rate people, OKC also funnels people your way.

Oh sure I'm not gonna get het up over a silly username - my last guy had "quirky" in his, ffs. But LUVAYNRAND as a username and I'm going to ... not click on u.

i did not get a boost in messages when i reactivated just some guy telling me i was too pale or boring in my photos and then some guy who at first seemed cool and then made a not-cool comment about how i should use sexual bribery to get someone to install my air conditioner :( (my friends ended up doing it for 3 beers and also gave me a free bike!)

OH and the retired rock star who made tentative plans then didn't message for a week, then messaged some non-sequitur.

i wonder if this is the curse of 33.

If you look at a zillion profiles and rate people, OKC also funnels people your way

doesn't it inform people when you rate them highly? i haven't done this (except for ilxors! xo) -- seems like a cop-out when you could be messaging instead

this encapsulates my dating history pretty well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMhdksPFhCM

Lol.

I really don't mind the instances when I crash and burn without getting off the ground. I can do the "two dates in and it's pretty clearly going nowhere" mambo all the live-long day. I'm just tired of actually achieving takeoff and soaring for a good long while and just getting to the point of being comfortable and taking off my parachute before a flock of geese flies into the engines.

Hey! Relevant to what we were talking about yesterday and this morning: I am sitting on the patio of the Panera Bread on my block (fucking PERFECT weather in Chicago right now - 77 F and extremely low humidity), working on my laptop. You may remember that a week or two ago I mentioned that a super cute Trader Joe's worker messaged me on a proximity app. We texted for a few days then lost track. Well he and another guy walked past me about 20 minutes ago and I....stuck my nose in my work and pretended I hadn't seen him b/c he was w/ someone I didn't know, and I figured he probably wasn't going to be interested in talking, esp. since we'd stopped texting.

A minute ago I was reading a report on the Chicago Trib on the huge fire that shut down the north side commute at rush hour when I hear behind me "Jesse!" It was TJ dude and friend. We chatted for a few minutes and we talked about the fire and the beloved furniture store that it destroyed and it was very natural, etc.

This chat reinforces something I learn and forget all the time and what Lee was getting at: Get out of the fucking house. I live in a very active area and I recognize tons of the people who walk around here. Besides my shyness, a reason I'm not meeting them is that if I'm not at work or with friends, I spend most of my free time fucking around at home. Also, it really is NOT WEIRD to say hi to even very casual acquaintances.

Also: My perception of other people's interests is not so accurate.

Anyway, another tl;dr, maybe, but it was interesting to me.

doesn't it inform people when you rate them highly? i haven't done this (except for ilxors! xo) -- seems like a cop-out when you could be messaging instead

This is how my friend found out that the weird joke? profile guy was interested in her.

Also, it really is NOT WEIRD to say hi to even very casual acquaintances.

Oh, man, do I ever wish I could convince myself of this. If I feel like someone I only kinda know might not want to talk to me or I think someone I know saw me and didn't say anything, I will do just what you did: bury myself in whatever I'm doing at the time and try to make the other person's "obvious" disinterest as unpainful as possible for everyone. Which probably goes a long way towards informing that whole "standoffish" vibe I apparently give off. Someday I will finally learn to accept that I don't really understand nearly as much about people's motives towards me as I'd like to think I do. Really, I think a lot of people are insecure about this stuff. But I also think a lot of people just learn how not to let it get in their way so much.

'get out of the fucking house' is good advice

i think the heterosexual experience is maybe different tho? i have encountered corresponding situations that were decent but certainly not ideal. or maybe it's just me

DWH:

1. I'm very sure he didn't see that I saw him, and I figured he hadn't seen me, either. Ultimately, if I'm going to be real about this, it comes down to laziness. My shyness is no longer so crippling that it takes Herculean efforts to talk to people, but it's just so much easier not too. (Same thing for me w/ going to the opera, plays, and concerts: every time I go (almost every time), it's so fucking great and I wonder why I don't do it more often. But later I get lazy and it's easier to go home after work and nap or watch some DVD.)

2. Someday I will finally learn to accept that I don't really understand nearly as much about people's motives towards me as I'd like to think I do. OTFM. B/c: a. Too far that way lies madness and b. In my case, I usually err far on the side of figuring they're not interested.

i think the heterosexual experience is maybe different tho? i have encountered corresponding situations that were decent but certainly not ideal. or maybe it's just me

I'm don't get what you're getting at. How do you figure sexuality figures into things, and what is a "corresponding situation"?

In my case, I usually err far on the side of figuring they're not interested.

Ayup. If I could single out any one aspect of my social anxiety that is most damaging and which I would love to disappear forever, that'd be the one. It's far too easy for me to assume that I'm cluttering up the otberwise tidy lives of other people, up to and including family members. It's just...stupid and absolutely lacking in any utility whatsoever.

See, hearing you say that, it sounds irrational and surely incorrect, even though I get stuck in that kind of thinking, too. It makes Daily Affirmations seem sensible.

Oh, yeah, it's almost wholly irrational. Seeing it all spelled out like that definitely underscores how utterly ridiculous a neurosis it is.

In my case, I usually err far on the side of figuring they're not interested.

Yeah same here, and I know thats self-defeating. I know it logically. But still. Upthread also, someone said "Honestly, my ideal situation would be if people I knew a little and had spent some time around and was interested in eventually displayed an interest themselves."

This is so true for me, and to be honest I have a fair few single male friends I'm actually quite attracted to. But I daren't say so, cause if I fuck that up, its embarrassing for everyone, so I just... dont.

It might be a little bit of having had the "girls dont make the first move" BS beaten into my head as a teenager, too. THANKS MA.

IS it wholly irrational though?

(the idea that people don't want to be bothered in public)

i am always amazed at how nice and day-making it is to have a random person smile at me, let alone 'bother me'

it's surely more complicated for ppl who are not large white dudes tho

No, of course not wholly irrational. But feeling that you are bothering anyone you say hello to - even when you know better - is pretty irrational.

Yeah, I should've been clearer: irrational wrt strangers/people you don't know that well, pretty much wholly irrational wrt people who've voluntarily been in your life for any appreciable amount of time.

The more you try saying hi to people you recognize, esp. if you remember their name, the bigger your social circle gets. It's hard at first but it pays off fast, and the scariness of it goes away with practice. Think, if almost everyone feels like you do – "should I greet this person who I casually recognize?" – which tbh a lot of people do ––––– if you have that feeling too and break through it and say "hi," you've beat the game. I seriously think this is how "popular" people who know everyone do it. It doesn't take too much work, just a little initial discomfort, and sometimes continued discomfort for the occasional outlier who is too cool for school (fuck 'em).

Hmm... I see your point. That said, when the tables are turned, I would prefer such people just ignore me in public, even acquaintances I've known for years. Frankly, I dread the stop-n-chat. I just assume many feel the same...

But I guess you get what you give, to simplify

Well sure there are often times I don't want to be bothered, even by those I have met, which is when the following strategies work
wear sunglasses and headphones
read a book
look grouchy
don't smoke cigarettes because someone will ask you for one
and when those don't work
move a thousand miles away to a town where you know no one
they all work

wisdom robots

look grouchy

this works incredibly well for me

it's my best success too, that and the moving very far away one

Move a thousand miles away... still workin' on that one! Yeah, it would help me avoid these Seinfeld-type situations.

Think, if almost everyone feels like you do – "should I greet this person who I casually recognize?" – which tbh a lot of people do ––––– if you have that feeling too and break through it and say "hi," you've beat the game.

Abbbottt OTM

Yeah, I mean, that speaks to my belief that confidence is, like, the cheat code to modern life. I've tried every button combination I can think of but I still haven't quite mastered it.